Who Took the Bite Out of Sir Arthur Knight by Sharon Mullen
SETTING: Reception room of funeral home. Flower sprays, chairs
scattered, casket standing centerstage
ACTION: SEAN and JOYCE enter. JOYCE quite shaken as SEAN
helps HER out of HER coat. THEY move to flowers and
begin to read the names on the cards.
JOYCE
The O'Neils.
SEAN
The O'Neils.
JOYCE
The Foxes…...
SEAN
Ah yes, the Foxes…..
JOYCE
( Runs Her hand lovingly across top of coffin, looks at SEAN with
a sniffle)
SEAN
There now…there now….
JOYCE
(Facing audience) Thank you so much for coming. It would have meant so
much to Arthur. Please sign the guest book in the lobby.
SEAN
What are you doing, Luv?
JOYCE
Practicing what to say when the guests arrive…I was afraid we'd be
late.Sean couldn't any socks to match his kilt.
SEAN
Hose! Not socks! If Arthur had not hidden them from me all the
time…
ah….don't speak ill of the dead.
JOYCE
Arthur hated that kilt. May your spirit find peace and your memory
live on.
SEAN
I'm sure it will…for some time to come.
ACTION: (MILLIE enters, juggling bags and looking ruffled)
JOYCE
Millie, darling I had given up on you.
MILLIE
Well, I don't know why. I pulled into the lot the same time you did.
JOYCE
Did you?
MILLIE
You know I did, mother. I called to the two of you hoping you'd help
me carry this stuff. You ignored me.
SEAN
It's the grief. It'll make you say and do things you'd never imagine.
MILLIE
Yeah…right. If you want all this stuff out by the time everybody
gets
here, we'd better get busy. (begins to unload bags, pulls out candle
stick) Where do you want this?
JOYCE
Here on the table. Did you get everything I had on the list?
MILLIE
Everything but a lighter.
JOYCE
What good is the candle if we can't light it?
MILLIE
I don't know. Why did you want it anyway?
JOYCE
To set the mood.
MILLIE
Mood for what?
JOYCE
The mood to find a killer.
SEAN
A killer!?
JOYCE
Arthur Knight was murdered.
MILLIE
Mother, has the doctor changed your medication?
JOYCE
I'm not on any medication.
MILLIE
(Moves in front of JOYCE) Breath.
JOYCE
(emits a long breath)
MILLIE
No medication and she's not drinking.
SEAN
It's the grief. It'll make you do and say things you'd never imagine.
JOYCE
Grief, my ass….what it is…is the truth.
SEAN
Young lady, be watching your mouth there. You've come from better
stock than to be standing there swearing like a fish wife.
JOYCE
It's the grief. It'll make you do and say things you'd never imagine.
MILLIE
Please don't turn this wake into a carnival. Leave him some dignity.
JOYCE
If you had put half the effort into finding the things I had on my
list as you have trying to make me look foolish, we'd have matches for
the candle.
MILLIE
You're saying we made you look foolish?
JOYCE
No but you're trying.
SEAN
I didn't think you thought so.
JOYCE
What I feel is matchless.
MILLIE
I was not prepared for this little scavenger hunt you sprang on me
twenty minutes before we walked out the door.
SEAN
(turns HIS back to audience, fumbles in His kilt and pulls out a
lighter) Here….use my lighter.
MILLIE
Where is there in a kilt to hide a lighter?
SEAN
If someone hadn't sewn my sporran shut…it could have been there.
JOYCE
That and everything else in ten counties.
MILLIE
I really don't want to know where you had this.
JOYCE
For goodness sake, Sean Don't stand there with the lighter in your
hand looking stupid…light the candle.
SEAN
(lighting candle) I was only waiting for you to ask me so nicely.
MILLIE
Where do you want the trophy?
JOYCE
(set's it gently on table) Remember, Millie? We were so proud of him.
He was magnificent that day. I can remember wrapping my arms around
him and planting a big, sloppy kiss on his….
MILLIE
He was a sloppy kisser alright. I hated it when he kissed me.
JOYCE
So did I. He wasn't suppose to be kissing you.
MILLIE
He didn't-that often.
SEAN
i wish I could say the same.
MILLIE
I thought you said he hated you.
SEAN
Aye. That's why he did it.
JOYCE
Both of you were jealous of him.
MILLIE
Because you could never tear yourself away from him to find time for
me.
JOYCE
How much attention does a grown woman need from her mother?
MILLIE
That was wicked!