Wait a Minute! by Edward Crosby Wells
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This Play is the copyright of the Author and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent
ACT ONE
A REALLY BIG BOAT
BASIL and NIGEL, two men of flamboyant character, are leaning over
the railing of the Titanic and sipping champagne. It is
night.
BASIL: (Raises glass to make a toast.) Happy anniversary, love.
NIGEL: Chin-chin, darling. (They drink.) I say, who ever would
have imagined we'd be celebrating our first anniversary on this
really big boat, the Titanic? I feel like the queen of the world!
BASIL: Careful, love. Somebody will hear you.
NIGEL: Oh, bother! As a member of the Oscar Wilde Society, I am
coming out of the armoire! Hear me, world! Hear me roar! Grrrr . . .
BASIL: Oh, dear! That champagne is going directly to your head,
Nigel.
NIGEL: Out of the armoire, boys, and into the streets!
BASIL: (Spots something off in the distance.) Oh, I say, what is
that, dear chap?
NIGEL: What is what, Basil?
BASIL: (Pointing.) That. Out there, darling. It looks like . . .
Oh, Zeus on Olympus! It looks like a giant penis!
NIGEL: Oh, I say! It is a giant penis, what? Pray tell, however do
you suppose a giant penis floated out into the middle of the north
Atlantic?
BASIL: And whose penis do you suppose it is? I mean, that ought to
be the really huge question.
NIGEL: No one I know, darling. It must be fifty feet tall. Quick,
Basil! Get those really big oars out of that really big lifeboat over
there.
BASIL: (Retrieving oars.) Whatever do you plan to do with these?
NIGEL: We're going to row, darling. We're going to row
this really big boat over to where we can get a really good look at
that really big penis.
(They put the oars in water and row.)
BASIL: Oh, Mary Queen of Scots, this is exhausting!
NIGEL: We're almost there. Row, darling, row! Row your little,
round, firm tushy off! Look at that! (They stop rowing.) It . . .
it's . . . it's an iceberg.
BASIL: Still . . . it looks like a penis.
NIGEL: Kind of . . . I mean, if you squint.
BASIL:
Big.
NIGEL: Really big.
BASIL: Nigel.
NIGEL: Basil?
BASIL: I think it is going to hit this boat, what?
NIGEL:
I think you're right.
(The SOUND of the iceberg hitting the Ship. BOTH hold onto
the railing for dear life.)
BOTH: OOPS . . .
NIGEL: Quick! Get rid of the evidence. Throw the oars overboard.
BASIL: NO. We'll need them for the lifeboat. (Spots someone
he recognizes on the deck.) I say, there's that busybody American
woman over there.
NIGEL: Who?
BASIL: Molly somebody. Ah yes! Brown . . . Molly Brown from
Denver, Colorado. Very rich. Loves the Royals.
NIGEL: Then she'll love us!
BASIL: (Calling out to her.) Hello, Molly! Over here! Care to share
a lifeboat?
NIGEL: Wait a minute! Don't run! We'll save you, Miss Brown!
You'll be safe with us!
~END~
AH, SHUCKS!
EDDIE and SUSIE are at a bus stop.
EDDIE: Howdy, Susie.
SUSIE: Howdy right back atcha, Eddie.
EDDIE: So where ya'll headed?
SUSIE: Yonder.
EDDIE: I 'spects I ain't never been to Yonder.
SUSIE: Gots me a cousin up in Yonder.
EDDIE: Really? I gots me one down Nowhere.
SUSIE: I've been to Nowhere. Couldn't wait to get out and get to
Somewhere.
EDDIE: That's where most o' my folks live. Nice place.
SUSIE: Some say.
EDDIE: Some disagree.
SUSIE: Yup.
EDDIE: Yup. I was born and raised in Somewhere. Were you
always from Here?
SUSIE: Nope. I moved to Here from Yonder.
EDDIE: Yonder's nice.
SUSIE: Yup. Some say it is.
EDDIE: Yup. That's what some say.
SUSIE: I like Hither better. Got an uncle in Hither.
EDDIE: I gots me an aunt in Hither. Here it is. There's m' bus.
SUSIE: Yup. There it is.
EDDIE: Yup.
SUSIE: Mine too.
EDDIE: Really?
SUSIE: Yup. Only I'm goin' in the opposite direction.
EDDIE: Wait a minute! Then you best be gettin' on first.
[end of extract]
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