Wait a Minute! by Edward Crosby Wells

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BASIL and NIGEL, two men of flamboyant character, are leaning over
the railing of the Titanic and sipping champagne. It is

BASIL: (Raises glass to make a toast.) Happy anniversary, love.

NIGEL: Chin-chin, darling. (They drink.) I say, who ever would
have imagined we'd be celebrating our first anniversary on this
really big boat, the Titanic? I feel like the queen of the world!

BASIL: Careful, love. Somebody will hear you.

NIGEL: Oh, bother! As a member of the Oscar Wilde Society, I am
coming out of the armoire! Hear me, world! Hear me roar! Grrrr . . .

BASIL: Oh, dear! That champagne is going directly to your head,

NIGEL: Out of the armoire, boys, and into the streets!

BASIL: (Spots something off in the distance.) Oh, I say, what is
that, dear chap?

NIGEL: What is what, Basil?

BASIL: (Pointing.) That. Out there, darling. It looks like . . .
Oh, Zeus on Olympus! It looks like a giant penis!

NIGEL: Oh, I say! It is a giant penis, what? Pray tell, however do
you suppose a giant penis floated out into the middle of the north

BASIL: And whose penis do you suppose it is? I mean, that ought to
be the really huge question.

NIGEL: No one I know, darling. It must be fifty feet tall. Quick,
Basil! Get those really big oars out of that really big lifeboat over

BASIL: (Retrieving oars.) Whatever do you plan to do with these?

NIGEL: We're going to row, darling. We're going to row
this really big boat over to where we can get a really good look at
that really big penis.

(They put the oars in water and row.)

BASIL: Oh, Mary Queen of Scots, this is exhausting!

NIGEL: We're almost there. Row, darling, row! Row your little,
round, firm tushy off! Look at that! (They stop rowing.) It . . .
it's . . . it's an iceberg.

BASIL: Still . . . it looks like a penis.

NIGEL: Kind of . . . I mean, if you squint.


NIGEL: Really big.

BASIL: Nigel.

NIGEL: Basil?

BASIL: I think it is going to hit this boat, what?

I think you're right.

(The SOUND of the iceberg hitting the Ship. BOTH hold onto
the railing for dear life.)

BOTH: OOPS . . .

NIGEL: Quick! Get rid of the evidence. Throw the oars overboard.

BASIL: NO. We'll need them for the lifeboat. (Spots someone
he recognizes on the deck.) I say, there's that busybody American
woman over there.


BASIL: Molly somebody. Ah yes! Brown . . . Molly Brown from
Denver, Colorado. Very rich. Loves the Royals.

NIGEL: Then she'll love us!

BASIL: (Calling out to her.) Hello, Molly! Over here! Care to share
a lifeboat?

NIGEL: Wait a minute! Don't run! We'll save you, Miss Brown!
You'll be safe with us!



EDDIE and SUSIE are at a bus stop.

EDDIE: Howdy, Susie.

SUSIE: Howdy right back atcha, Eddie.

EDDIE: So where ya'll headed?

SUSIE: Yonder.

EDDIE: I 'spects I ain't never been to Yonder.

SUSIE: Gots me a cousin up in Yonder.

EDDIE: Really? I gots me one down Nowhere.

SUSIE: I've been to Nowhere. Couldn't wait to get out and get to

EDDIE: That's where most o' my folks live. Nice place.

SUSIE: Some say.

EDDIE: Some disagree.


EDDIE: Yup. I was born and raised in Somewhere. Were you
always from Here?

SUSIE: Nope. I moved to Here from Yonder.

EDDIE: Yonder's nice.

SUSIE: Yup. Some say it is.

EDDIE: Yup. That's what some say.

SUSIE: I like Hither better. Got an uncle in Hither.

EDDIE: I gots me an aunt in Hither. Here it is. There's m' bus.

SUSIE: Yup. There it is.


SUSIE: Mine too.

EDDIE: Really?

SUSIE: Yup. Only I'm goin' in the opposite direction.

EDDIE: Wait a minute! Then you best be gettin' on first.

[end of extract]

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