Wait a Minute! by Edward Crosby Wells

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This Play is the copyright of the Author and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author’s prior consent

  ACT ONE

    A REALLY BIG BOAT

    BASIL and NIGEL, two men of flamboyant character, are leaning over
    the railing of the Titanic and sipping champagne. It is
    night.




    BASIL: (Raises glass to make a toast.) Happy anniversary, love.

    NIGEL: Chin-chin, darling. (They drink.) I say, who ever would
    have imagined we’d be celebrating our first anniversary on this
    really big boat, the Titanic?  I feel like the queen of the world!

    BASIL: Careful, love.  Somebody will hear you.

    NIGEL: Oh, bother! As a member of the Oscar Wilde Society, I am
    coming out of the armoire!  Hear me, world!  Hear me roar!  Grrrr . .    .

    BASIL: Oh, dear!  That champagne is going directly to your head,
    Nigel.



    NIGEL: Out of the armoire, boys, and into the streets!



    BASIL: (Spots something off in the distance.) Oh, I say, what is
    that, dear chap?



    NIGEL: What is what, Basil?



    BASIL: (Pointing.) That.  Out there, darling.  It looks like . . .
    Oh, Zeus on Olympus!  It looks like a giant penis!



    NIGEL: Oh, I say!  It is a giant penis, what?  Pray tell, however do
    you suppose a giant penis floated out into the middle of the north
    Atlantic?



    BASIL: And whose penis do you suppose it is?  I mean, that ought to
    be the really huge question.



    NIGEL: No one I know, darling.  It must be fifty feet tall.  Quick,
    Basil!  Get those really big oars out of that really big lifeboat over
    there.



    BASIL: (Retrieving oars.) Whatever do you plan to do with these?

    NIGEL: We’re going to row, darling.  We’re going to row
    this really big boat over to where we can get a really good look at
    that really big penis.


    (They put the oars in water and row.)



    BASIL: Oh, Mary Queen of Scots, this is exhausting!



    NIGEL: We’re almost there.  Row, darling, row!  Row your little,
    round, firm tushy off!  Look at that!  (They stop rowing.)  It . . .
    it’s . . . it’s an iceberg.

    BASIL: Still . . . it looks like a penis.



    NIGEL: Kind of . . . I mean, if you squint.

BASIL:
    Big.

NIGEL: Really big.



    BASIL: Nigel.

    NIGEL: Basil?

    BASIL: I think it is going to hit this boat, what?

NIGEL:
    I think you’re right.

    (The SOUND of the iceberg hitting the Ship.  BOTH hold onto
    the railing for dear life.)



    BOTH: OOPS . . .

    NIGEL: Quick!  Get rid of the evidence.  Throw the oars overboard.

    BASIL: NO.  We’ll need them for the lifeboat.  (Spots someone
    he recognizes on the deck.)  I say, there’s that busybody American
    woman over there.

    NIGEL: Who?

    BASIL: Molly somebody.  Ah yes!  Brown . . . Molly Brown from
    Denver, Colorado.  Very rich.  Loves the Royals.

    NIGEL: Then she’ll love us!

    BASIL: (Calling out to her.) Hello, Molly!  Over here!  Care to share
    a lifeboat?



    NIGEL: Wait a minute!  Don’t run!  We’ll save you, Miss Brown!
    You’ll be safe with us!

    ~END~

    AH, SHUCKS!

    EDDIE and SUSIE are at a bus stop.

    EDDIE: Howdy, Susie.

    SUSIE: Howdy right back atcha, Eddie.

    EDDIE: So where ya’ll headed?

    SUSIE: Yonder.

    EDDIE: I ‘spects I ain’t never been to Yonder.

    SUSIE: Gots me a cousin up in Yonder.

    EDDIE: Really?  I gots me one down Nowhere.

    SUSIE: I’ve been to Nowhere.  Couldn’t wait to get out and get to
    Somewhere.

    EDDIE: That’s where most o’ my folks live.  Nice place.

    SUSIE: Some say.

    EDDIE: Some disagree.

    SUSIE: Yup.

    EDDIE: Yup.  I was born and raised in Somewhere.  Were you
    always from Here?

    SUSIE: Nope. I moved to Here from Yonder.

    EDDIE: Yonder’s nice.

    SUSIE: Yup.  Some say it is.

    EDDIE: Yup.  That’s what some say.

    SUSIE: I like Hither better.  Got an uncle in Hither.

    EDDIE: I gots me an aunt in Hither.  Here it is.  There’s m’ bus.


    SUSIE: Yup.  There it is.

    EDDIE: Yup.

    SUSIE: Mine too.

    EDDIE: Really?

    SUSIE: Yup.  Only I’m goin’ in the opposite direction.

    EDDIE: Wait a minute!  Then you best be gettin’ on first.

[end of extract]

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