Wait a Minute! by Edward Crosby Wells

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This Play is the copyright of the Author and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author’s prior consent



    BASIL and NIGEL, two men of flamboyant character, are leaning over
    the railing of the Titanic and sipping champagne. It is

    BASIL: (Raises glass to make a toast.) Happy anniversary, love.

    NIGEL: Chin-chin, darling. (They drink.) I say, who ever would
    have imagined we’d be celebrating our first anniversary on this
    really big boat, the Titanic?  I feel like the queen of the world!

    BASIL: Careful, love.  Somebody will hear you.

    NIGEL: Oh, bother! As a member of the Oscar Wilde Society, I am
    coming out of the armoire!  Hear me, world!  Hear me roar!  Grrrr . .    .

    BASIL: Oh, dear!  That champagne is going directly to your head,

    NIGEL: Out of the armoire, boys, and into the streets!

    BASIL: (Spots something off in the distance.) Oh, I say, what is
    that, dear chap?

    NIGEL: What is what, Basil?

    BASIL: (Pointing.) That.  Out there, darling.  It looks like . . .
    Oh, Zeus on Olympus!  It looks like a giant penis!

    NIGEL: Oh, I say!  It is a giant penis, what?  Pray tell, however do
    you suppose a giant penis floated out into the middle of the north

    BASIL: And whose penis do you suppose it is?  I mean, that ought to
    be the really huge question.

    NIGEL: No one I know, darling.  It must be fifty feet tall.  Quick,
    Basil!  Get those really big oars out of that really big lifeboat over

    BASIL: (Retrieving oars.) Whatever do you plan to do with these?

    NIGEL: We’re going to row, darling.  We’re going to row
    this really big boat over to where we can get a really good look at
    that really big penis.

    (They put the oars in water and row.)

    BASIL: Oh, Mary Queen of Scots, this is exhausting!

    NIGEL: We’re almost there.  Row, darling, row!  Row your little,
    round, firm tushy off!  Look at that!  (They stop rowing.)  It . . .
    it’s . . . it’s an iceberg.

    BASIL: Still . . . it looks like a penis.

    NIGEL: Kind of . . . I mean, if you squint.


NIGEL: Really big.

    BASIL: Nigel.

    NIGEL: Basil?

    BASIL: I think it is going to hit this boat, what?

    I think you’re right.

    (The SOUND of the iceberg hitting the Ship.  BOTH hold onto
    the railing for dear life.)

    BOTH: OOPS . . .

    NIGEL: Quick!  Get rid of the evidence.  Throw the oars overboard.

    BASIL: NO.  We’ll need them for the lifeboat.  (Spots someone
    he recognizes on the deck.)  I say, there’s that busybody American
    woman over there.

    NIGEL: Who?

    BASIL: Molly somebody.  Ah yes!  Brown . . . Molly Brown from
    Denver, Colorado.  Very rich.  Loves the Royals.

    NIGEL: Then she’ll love us!

    BASIL: (Calling out to her.) Hello, Molly!  Over here!  Care to share
    a lifeboat?

    NIGEL: Wait a minute!  Don’t run!  We’ll save you, Miss Brown!
    You’ll be safe with us!



    EDDIE and SUSIE are at a bus stop.

    EDDIE: Howdy, Susie.

    SUSIE: Howdy right back atcha, Eddie.

    EDDIE: So where ya’ll headed?

    SUSIE: Yonder.

    EDDIE: I ‘spects I ain’t never been to Yonder.

    SUSIE: Gots me a cousin up in Yonder.

    EDDIE: Really?  I gots me one down Nowhere.

    SUSIE: I’ve been to Nowhere.  Couldn’t wait to get out and get to

    EDDIE: That’s where most o’ my folks live.  Nice place.

    SUSIE: Some say.

    EDDIE: Some disagree.

    SUSIE: Yup.

    EDDIE: Yup.  I was born and raised in Somewhere.  Were you
    always from Here?

    SUSIE: Nope. I moved to Here from Yonder.

    EDDIE: Yonder’s nice.

    SUSIE: Yup.  Some say it is.

    EDDIE: Yup.  That’s what some say.

    SUSIE: I like Hither better.  Got an uncle in Hither.

    EDDIE: I gots me an aunt in Hither.  Here it is.  There’s m’ bus.

    SUSIE: Yup.  There it is.

    EDDIE: Yup.

    SUSIE: Mine too.

    EDDIE: Really?

    SUSIE: Yup.  Only I’m goin’ in the opposite direction.

    EDDIE: Wait a minute!  Then you best be gettin’ on first.

[end of extract]

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