The World's Worst Play, Ever by Ryan Paul James

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This Play is the copyright of the Author and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent

THE AUDIENCE IS SEATED AND JERRY WHITMAN, THE THEATRE DIRECTOR, WHO BY
THE WAY IS A BIG FAN OF STAR TREK, WALKS TO CENTER STAGE TO WELCOME
THE AUDIENCE. HE IS DRESSED NICE WITH A STAR TREK TIE.

1. Spot light on Jerry

JERRY WHITMAN:
Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and
welcome. I need to tell you all
some really bad news. Our lead
actor, Clayton Shivers, has decided
not to go on tonight. He and the
stage manager had a fall out, so he
has left the building. The good
news, is that we have his
understudy here. Here is a little
bio on him. He has performed in
N.Y. and was mentioned in the New
York Times as being fair. He was
also mentioned in the Brooklyn
Times as being adequate. His name
is Jerry Whitman.
Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to the
Enterprise Theatre Companies very
first production, "Merrytown". I'm
Jerry Whitman and we are so excited
that you all have joined us. All
the actors in our play are members
of my theatre company, The
Enterprise Theatre Company. We have
worked so hard for you, and I know
you will enjoy tonight's show. I
want to remind all of you to turn
off all cell phones and phasers.
That's a little joke. Thank you for
supporting live theatre. Now sit
back and enjoy, "Merrytown".

2. Light out on Jerry.

Old dixie music, on a piano, starts to play.

MERRYTOWN BEGINS

3. Spot light on Narrator.

THE NARRATOR WALKS TO CENTER STAGE.

4. SFX: Crickets chirping on a low volume.

Lights Up.

THE NARRATOR:
Good evening, folks. Our story
tonight, takes place in the deep
south, circa 1894, in a small
little town, in Georgia, called
Merrytown.

5. SFX: Crickets get a little louder. Narrator speaks a
little louder.

THE NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Merrytown, is a most awesome city,
where moss hangs from the big old
oak trees. There is one church, and
one general store. Oh yes, and a
life like statue, of our biggest
hero, Robert E. Lee. I swear
sometimes, if you listen carefully,
you can still hear the rumble of
cannons off in the distance.
Merrytown is known for the only
town to be spared by Gen. Sherman.
Apparently it was raining the day
he and his men came through, so
they didn't torch the town.

6. SFX: Crickets getting noticeably louder. Narrator talks a little
louder.

THE NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Everybody knows everybody's name
here. And if you were to move here,
you would be welcomed with open
arms. Depending on your skin color
of course. We are a peaceful bunch
here, and we love our town.

7. SFX: Crickets are way too loud, prompting the narrator to start
shouting his lines.

THE NARRATOR (CONT'D)
LETS GO NOW TO A LITTLE HOUSE ON
THE CORNER OF COTTON AND PEACH!

8. Lights out. Lights up on Mary Joe and Mary Beth.

THE SETTING IS A LIVING ROOM, WHERE MARY JOE AND MARY BETH ARE PUTTING
ON MAKE UP AND DOING THEIR HAIR.

MARY JOE:
I do declare, Mary Beth, Why? Why
oh why do I go out of my way to
doll myself up for Mr. Douglas?
Mary Beth sits there brushing her hair.

MARY BETH:
Mary Joe, Mr. Douglas is your
knight in shining armor.

MARY JOE:
Mary Beth, I could not agree with
you more. He is my knight in
shining armor.

They both share a giggle.

MARY BETH:
I wish I could find me a man.

MARY JOE:
I do declare, What would be your
dream guy?

MARY BETH:
Well, let me see… He has to be
white.

MARY JOE:
Of course.

MARY BETH:
And he has to be at least six feet
tall, with a mustach, and I also
want my man to have blue eyes.

MARY JOE:
I do declare, Mary Joe, that sounds
like an aweful like Mr. Douglas.

MARY BETH:
Hmm.

MARY SUE (O.S.)
(Yelling) Mary Joe and Mary Beth,
Dinner!!!

MARY JOE:
Thanks, Ma.

MARY BETH:
Thanks, Ma.

MARY JOE:
You know, Mary Beth, I just know
that Mr. Douglas is going to ask me
to marry him, but when?

Mary Joe breaks out in song. "When Will My Man Give Me A Ring"

MARY JOE:
(singing) Oh… when will my man,
give me a ring, give me a ring,
give me a ring. Oh… when will my
man, give me a ring, give me a
ring, today…

MARY BETH:
Yes… When will her man give her a
ring, give her a ring, give her a
ring, Oh when will her man give her
a ring, give her a ring today…

MARY JOE:
I so want to be a married lady, a
married lady, a married lady. Oh…
I so want to be a married lady, a
married lady today.

MARY BETH:
Oh she so wants to be a married
lady, A married lady, a married
lady, Oh she so wants to be a
married lady, A married lady today.

MARY BETH and MARY JOE:
Toooooooooo Daaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy.

Song ends

MARY SUE (O.S.)
Girls, DINNER!!!

MARY JOE:
Oh, Okay Mama, we're coming.

9. Light out on set and up on the narrator.

THE NARRATOR:
Mary Joe is deeply in love with one
Mr. Douglas. She wants that ring,
and something tells me, she is
going to get one. (he laughs to
himself) Let's go across town to
see what Mr. Douglas is up to.

10. Lights up on main stage. A crew member wearing all black is still
on stage placing a prop.

Mr. Douglas is getting ready for his date with Mary Joe.

MR. DOUGLAS:
(Rehearsing to himself while looking in the mirror) Mary Joe, will you
marry me? Mary Joe, will
you marry me?

Enter his brother, Hank Douglas. In a Civil War Confederate uniform.

HANK DOUGLAS:
Jack? Do you know where my
Confederate hat is?

MR. DOUGLAS:
Hank, do you ever knock?

HANK DOUGLAS:
Oh, gee willickers, I'm sorry, Jack. I just have this Civil War
reenactment tonight, with the boys,
and I'm running late.

MR. DOUGLAS:
It's okay, the hat is suppose to be
right there.

HANK DOUGLAS:
(Improved) Oh geez… I wonder
where could it be, brother.

Actor playing Bubba comes in with a hat on a chair. He places it in
the wrong place.

MR. DOUGLAS:
Well that doesn't go there. It goes
over here.

Bubba then moves the chair and hat in the right place.

HANK DOUGLAS:
Yeah right there.

MR. DOUGLAS:
Thank you Bubba.

Mr. Douglas and Hank get back to the script.

MR. DOUGLAS (CONT'D)
You know Hank. Tonight is going to
be a special night. I'm gonna ask
Mary Joe to marry me.

HANK DOUGLAS:
Get out.

MR. DOUGLAS:
Yes… And I have her ring right
here.

He pulls out a ring box and opens it. It is empty.

MR. DOUGLAS (CONT'D)
Well, my, my the ring is even
missing.

Bubba comes out again wearing the ring and handing it to Mr. Douglas.

MR. DOUGLAS (CONT'D)
Here's that ring I was telling you
about.

HANK DOUGLAS:
My, my that's a purty ring.

Mr. Douglas notices the piano is not playing the music.

MR. DOUGLAS:
...and I've written a song about it.

Mr. Douglas breaks out in song. Hank skips around him.

MR. DOUGLAS (CONT'D)
Oh, when will I give, Mary Joe a
ring, Mary Joe a ring, Mary Joe a
ring, oh when will I give Mary Joe
a ring. Mary Joe a ring today.

Mr. Douglas starts to skip around him.

HANK DOUGLAS
Oh, when will you give Mary Joe a
ring, Mary Joe a ring, Mary Joe a
ring, Oh when will you give, Mary
Joe a ring, Mary Joe a ring…

TOGETHER
Tooooodaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy.

MOMMA
Boys, DINNER!

MR. DOUGLAS
Okay, Momma, we're coming.

Hank exits. Mr. Douglas looks at himself one more time in the mirror,
and looks at the ring one more time.
He exits.

11. Lights out on main stage, and lights up on Narrator.

THE NARRATOR:
Well, it looks like Mary Joe is getting just what she wants, a purty
ring. Just in case you were not payin attention.

The narrator's mustache starts to come loose. He tries to fix it.

THE NARRATOR (CONT'D)
I'm starting to think that Mary Joe is about to have a great night.

Piano music starts to play again. The narrator fixes his
mustache. On the main stage, in the black out, we can here stuff being
moved around and an argument breaks out. While this is going on, the
narrator stays in character and tries to light up a pipe.

CREW MEMBER #1:
(whispering loudly) NO!!! That goes over there.

CREW MEMBER #2:
(whispering) No, it doesn't.

CREW MEMBER #3:
(whipsering) Would you two shut up. The audience can hear you.

CREW MEMBER #1:
(whispering) No they can't, we are whispering.

CREW MEMBER #3:
SHSHSHSH!!!!

THE NARRATOR:
Life in Merrytown, is QUIET!!! and pleasant. However, when there is a
rumor in town, the word travels fast. Let us now go to the general
store.

12. Lights out on Narrator and up on the main stage.

4 ensemble actors are shopping. There is a black store
clerk, Jimmy Allen, stocking a shelf, and Maggie Sue working the
register. Jimmy Allen is wearing an apron and gloves.

MAGGIE SUE:
Now, Jimmy, make sure those cans don't tip over. I ain't fixin to
have to clean up another one of your messes.

JIMMY ALLEN:
Yes, ma'am, Miss Sue. I'll stack them three high this time instead
of ten high.

MAGGIE SUE:
I didn't know you could count to ten.

Mary Joe and Mary Beth come skipping in, and start to shop.

CUSTOMER #1:
(to Maggie Sue)
(very bad southern accent, so bad no one understands a word he says)
I'm a looking for a can of sugar.

MAGGIE SUE:
Back there in the corner, by the soups.

CUSTOMER #1:
(Still bad and not understandable)
Thank you. I'll go over there now.
It's my bother's birthday and I am
making a very big cake…

MAGGIE SUE:
Alright, you have fun.

Clair Ann and Fay May enter store. They are talking up a
storm.

CLAIR ANN:
... and then Mr. Bill said, "Oh Hailey."

They both laugh real hard as they make their way over to
Maggie Sue.

MAGGIE SUE:
What is so funny girls?

FAY MAY:
Oh, Clair Ann tellin some of her great stories.

CLAIR ANN:
So Maggie Sue, when you fixin on gettin off?

MAGGIE SUE:
Oh, I ain't fixin to be home til 8pm tonight.

CLAIR ANN:
Why that's a shame, because Old Man Backus is fixin to have one of
his square dances tonight. Shame you
ain't fixin to come.

MAGGIE SUE:
Oh shucks, that always happens to me. Just once I'd like to be fixin
to go to one them parties.

FAY MAY:
You know, Sheriff Roy Rogers will be there.

MAGGIE SUE:
Oh damn, Fay May!!! Why did you go and tell me that?

CLAIR ANN:
Well, we better go. We ain't fixin on being late. Tah tah, Maggie
Sue.

They leave and Maggie Sue waves goodbye.

Mary Joe comes over to Jimmy Allen.

MARY JOE:
I do declare, Jimmy Allen, you look so cute in your work outfit. Can
you tell me where I might find some
perfume?

JIMMY ALLEN:
Why, I sure can Miss Mary Joe. It's on the other side of the store
near the front door.

MARY JOE:
Thank you, Jimmy Allen.

She kisses him on the cheek. Everybody in the store stops what they
are doing and gasps.

13. Lights fade on main stage and come up on Narrator.

THE NARRATOR:
(He now has a completely different looking mustache with handle bars)
Wow… Now that is something I was not expecting. How about you?

14. Lights up on main stage, General Store. Sheriff Roy
Rogers is now on the scene.

Lots of commotion. People are all upset.

SHERIFF ROY ROGERS:
Alright, alright… calm down everybody, calm down!!! Now one at a
time tell me what happened. Go ahead sir.

CUSTOMER #1:
(Bad southern accent, still can't understand him) I was getting
sugar over there on the other side of the
store…

SHERIFF ROY ROGERS:
Some one I can understand.

Commotion starts up again on stage.

SHERIFF ROY ROGERS (CONT'D)
QUIET!!! How about you little darlin?

MARY BETH:
Well, I was looking at the different jams. I wasn't payin no attention.

Commotion starts up again.

[end of extract]

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