The Vacuous Case of Mister Um by Raymond Alexander Turco
ACT II: SCENE 1
Lights up. The courtroom. No change of time. The JUDGE and MAGISTRATE
sit in their places, as do the PROSECUTOR and the LAWYER. The ACCUSED
enters and sits, though distancing himself from the LAWYER. This time,
there is a large book under the MAGISTRATE's seat and a gun on the
evidence table.
JUDGE
Ahem Let us reconvene. Do you, Mister Um, take Miss Sir to be your
lawfully—?
MAGISTRATE
My Lord?
JUDGE
Oh sorry. How could I forget: Mister Sir.
MAGISTRATE
No my Lord. The trial.
JUDGE
Ah yes Now where were we?
MAGISTRATE
Well, the first witness has been called and cross-examined by the
defense and we have heard the doctor's testimony. There was a
terrible bit with a box, some shouting, the lawyer of the accused
abandoned his client—
JUDGE
Yes, yes. I know all that. But all this bores me Let's get on
with it. Call the next witness.
WITNESS 2 enters. PROSECUTOR stands.
PROSECUTOR
Okay, sir Hang on, haven't we seen you before?
WITNESS 2
I, sir? Never. Not once, I say.
Pause.
PROSECUTOR
Please state your relation to the accused.
WITNESS 2
I don't know, sir.
PROSECUTOR
Don't know?
WITNESS 2
That's right, sir. I've never seen him, sir.
PROSECUTOR
But you must have somewhere. Or else you wouldn't be testifying.
WITNESS 2
Wouldn't I? (Pauses to reflect on this fact) Yes. Yes, you're
right. I guess I wouldn't. I must know him then.
PROSECUTOR
You must.
WITNESS 2
Yes, I must.
LAWYER
His logic is very sound.
ACCUSED
I object!
Murmurs go out around the crowd.
JUDGE
Do you? (To the MAGISTRATE) Does he?
MAGISTRATE
I'm afraid so.
JUDGE
Can he do that?
MAGISTRATE
Let me consult the rulebook
MAGISTRATE retrieves the book from under his seat and flips to a
page.
MAGISTRATE (Cont'd)
Why there's nothing that says he can't. In fact, there's
nothing that says anything at all. It's blank.
JUDGE
So speak, then, if it brings you peace.
ACCUSED
Thank you, your Honor. I object because the prosecution is using the
power of suggestion to sway the witness.
LAWYER
Ridiculous.
PROSECUTOR
There's no such rule on that. Sit down.
ACCUSED
No. I contend that this whole trial is a sham.
Murmurs in the crowd.
JUDGE
What do you mean by this last statement?
ACCUSED
It's nonsense. All of it.
JUDGE
What is?
ACCUSED
The trial.
JUDGE
In what way?
ACCUSED
In every way.
JUDGE
Sit down. You make no sense.
LAWYER
He must therefore, be nothing.
JUDGE
I beg your pardon?
LAWYER
It's elementary. He makes no sense, therefore he is nothing.
JUDGE
Explain yourself.
LAWYER
With certainty. We have already established that nothing is nothing.
And thusly we have established that nothing definitely is not
something. This is simple. We can further conclude that nothing surely
cannot, in any way, make sense because it is, in fact, nothing.
JUDGE
What are you getting at?
LAWYER
It's nothing.
JUDGE
Good.
LAWYER
No. "It" meaning "he".
JUDGE
"It" meaning "he"? How?
LAWYER
It is he. The accused. It is he.
ACCUSED
Huh?
JUDGE
How?
LAWYER
However--
ACCUSED
This is making me sick again.
LAWYER
However, this brings up a very interesting question. If our accused is
nothing then do we have to give him a fair trial? In the hands of the
law, there is no piece of legislation that protects something that is
nothing. Therefore, we don't even have to treat him like a human
being!
JUDGE
Is this true?
The MAGISTRATE consults the rulebook.
MAGISTRATE
I guess he's right.
JUDGE
Excellent! I now call for a supreme reconstruction of this case.
MAGISTRATE
Splendid motion, your Highness.
JUDGE
Magnificent. So now, it's the lawyer and the prosecutor all on one
side and the accused stands alone. We have you now Strange. I
almost saw this coming. Let us proceed anyway.
Pause.
LAWYER
What do we do?
PROSECUTOR
Should we pick up where we left off?
JUDGE
Sounds good.
PROSECUTOR
Okay.
WITNESS 2
So I can go now?
PROSECUTOR
Not quite yet I would like to present—
LAWYER
The next piece of evidence.
PROSECUTOR
Hey! How did you—?
LAWYER
Know what you were going to say? Hmm I don't know. It just seemed
like the right thing to say at the time.
PROSECUTOR
Interesting.
LAWYER
Very. In any case, Exhibit B—Well not in any case, really. Just this
one.
PROSECUTOR
Ladies and gentlemen, the gun.
(The PROSECUTOR takes it in hand.)
LAWYER
Be careful, it's loaded.
Screams and shouts.
PROSECUTOR
No it's not.
LAWYER
Are you sure?
PROSECUTOR
Not really.
LAWYER
Proceed.
PROSECUTOR
Thank you. This gun was found some time after the crime took place.
Sir, is it not true that the accused did wave this firearm in your
face, asking for something?
WITNESS 2
No.
PROSECUTOR
So it is true.
WITNESS 2
No.
LAWYER
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is yet another vital maxim.
PROSECUTOR
So, Mister Witness Two, how can this fact be neither true nor
untrue. Do you mean it is both?
WITNESS 2
No. I mean I don't know.
PROSECUTOR
I think you do. For this man held you at gunpoint and demanded
everything from you, everything you owned, didn't he?
WITNESS 2
I don't see why not.
ACCUSED
Hey! He's doing it again. The power of suggestion—
JUDGE
Shut up. Continue please, Mister Prosecutor.
PROSECUTOR
Thank you. So he did demand everything?
LAWYER
It may very well have been nothing.
PROSECUTOR
Did he demand everything from you or nothing from you?
WITNESS 2
I don't know, sir.
LAWYER
Let me ask you this: Did he demand both everything from you and
nothing from you?
WITNESS 2
I suppose he did.
PROSECUTOR
Excellent. This is looking very bad for you, Mister accused person.
MAGISTRATE
His name is Um.
JUDGE
Who gives a damn what his name is? Let's get this over with.
ACCUSED
This isn't right. No! I won't stand for this.
PROSECUTOR
Then you're welcome to sit down.
LAWYER
Or you might not be.
ACCUSED
Fuck you. Fuck all of you. I'm done with this shit.
The ACCUSED leaps for the gun, grabs it from the PROSECUTOR, and holds
everyone at gunpoint, standing off to the side.