The Super Awesome Legend of Sir Duncuvaman! by Milton Joseph

This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent

ACT I

A generic medieval town in the Untitled (Oon-teet-led) Kingdom, daytime. TREE is either already onstage pretending to be a tree or enters when the lights come up. Lights open. The NARRATOR enters with a book chronicling the adventures of SIR BILLY MARVELOUSNESS.

NARRATOR: Welcome, everyone. We will be telling the story of Sir Billy Marvelousness, the greatest hero to have ever existed in the Untitled (Un-tight-old) Kingdom.

BILLY: [offstage] It’s pronounced “Untitled” (Oon-teet-led).

NARRATOR: Nobody asked you Billy. Ahem… “Long ago, there was once a great and noble knight that went by the title, Sir Billy Marvelousness. This name was an alias that he had created for himself in order to provide the King’s people with hope during a terribly troubled period in history, though some sources indicate that he may have simply been consumed by pride. At the time, King Wilcock Magnanti I was under the threat of the all powerful Demon Queen of Jade, Mara, who was prepared to destroy the Untitled (Un-tight-old) Kingdom-”

BILLY: [offstage] “Untitled” (Oon-teet-led)!

NARRATOR: Shut up! Stop interrupting, Billy! God, it always has to be about him, doesn’t it? “Sir Billy Marvelousness was called in for an audience with the King himself. The King made a single request: defeat the Demon Queen of Jade. Sir Marvelousness accepted and thus, King Magnanti I sent the marvellous knight, pardon the pun, on a grand adventure to save the kingdom! Some stories suggest that Mara is immortal, possibly due to the power of a magical jadestone she somehow obtained through seemingly unknown means.” Wow, this book really isn’t very comprehensive, huh? “Despite this obstacle, Sir Marvelousness was ready to-”

SIR JIMMY THAT DUNCUVAMAN enters with a fake book chronicling his own adventures.

JIMMY: Alright, stop! Stop, stop, stop!

NARRATOR: Whoa, hey, what are you doing? The show’s started.

JIMMY: You’re reading the wrong book.

NARRATOR: What? No I’m not.

JIMMY: Yes, you are.

NARRATOR: No, no. This right here is a book handed to me by the props manager. And oh, would you look at that! It’s a book chronicling the history of the legendary hero, Sir Billy Marvelousness. Whom of which is the subject of our show.

JIMMY: Oh yeah? Well listen, Narrator, if that’s even your real name! There’s been a change in tonight’s programming. But you wouldn’t know that since you skipped all of those rehearsals because you were out with the “plague.” Nice excuse, by the way.

NARRATOR: Wasn’t an excuse, but whatever. Is it true we changed the show?

JIMMY: Yes! A long time ago, in fact.

NARRATOR: I see. You know, I did wonder why there weren’t any actors up here.

JIMMY: If you noticed then maybe you should’ve stopped.

NARRATOR: Well, you know what they say: “the show must go on,” right?

JIMMY: …Who says that?

NARRATOR: So, what did we change the show to be?

JIMMY: The play is about Sir Jimmy now.

NARRATOR: …Who?

JIMMY: Me! The new legendary hero!

NARRATOR: Never heard of you.

JIMMY: You seriously haven’t-I am the ever amazing Sir Jimmy That Duncuvaman!

NARRATOR: Is that seriously your full title?

JIMMY: Indeed. It’s such a great title. The King gave it to me himself!

NARRATOR: Sounds more like a parody of a title to me.

JIMMY: It is absolutely the best parody, I tell you! And it is that parody that you need to provide narration for, not that stupid Sir Marvelousness guy.

BILLY: [offstage] Hey! Rude!

NARRATOR: Billy, would you-can somebody shut Billy up? Thanks.

JIMMY: Seriously, though, how did you fail to notice that all of the adverts and programs list this show as being called, “The Super Awesome Legend of Sir Duncuvaman!”?

NARRATOR: That’s what the play is called?

JIMMY: Indeed, such a magnanimous title, no?

NARRATOR: That title is terrible.

JIMMY: I didn't ask for your opinion, okay? Look, just take this book and read it instead. Props Bob the props manager simply gave you the wrong one.

NARRATOR: Alright, alright. As long as I get paid for this, I don’t care what I gotta read.

JIMMY gives the NARRATOR the fake book, takes the Sir Marvelousness book, and throws the book away. He then poses centre stage, waiting for his cue.

NARRATOR: Ahem… “Several years ago, there was a stupid man-”

JIMMY: “Stupendous.”

NARRATOR: Oh. Sorry. Guess I read that wrong.

JIMMY: It’s an honest mistake. I’ll let it pass.

NARRATOR: “There was a stupendous man born in the greatest kingdom in the world. This man is the great Sir Jimmy That Duncuvaman, sometimes referred to as Sir Duncuvaman, otherwise known as Sir Knight, also called “the best,” affectionately called Jimmy by his mother, sometimes called Jimbo by Bob and only Bob, to be eternally remembered as-”

ALL: [everyone who is offstage and TREE] Just get on with it!

TREE: Oh, whoops. [goes back to pretending to be a tree]

JIMMY: Wait, Narrator hasn’t listed off all my names yet-

NARRATOR: Yeah, uh, I don’t think anybody cares. “Sir Jimmy That Duncuvaman very quickly became one of the greatest knights ever to bless this kingdom-”

KNIGHT 1 suddenly enters.

KNIGHT 1: That’s not true!

JIMMY throws something and hits the offstage KNIGHT 2.

KNIGHT 2: [offstage] Oof!

JIMMY: Oh, whoops, sorry. I meant to hit this guy. Could you smack him for me?

KNIGHT 2 enters, bonks KNIGHT 1 on the head, and both exit.

KNIGHT 1: Ow! That wasn’t necessary, man…

NARRATOR: You’re quite violent for a supposed “noble knight.”

JIMMY: You’re not here to make witty remarks. You’re here to read.

NARRATOR: I’ll continue then. “Sir Duncuvaman is dumb-”

JIMMY: “Delicate.”

NARRATOR: “…he’s a delicate individual and an idiot-”

JIMMY: “Idol!” You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?

NARRATOR: No, I’m not, it’s just that I, uh, misplaced my reading glasses or something. Fine, I’ll take this seriously. “After being super awesome and amazing for several years…” doubtful. “He was called into King Wilcock Magnanti IV’s throne room. The great knight anxiously entered the room with anticipation.” Did you write this?

KING WILCOCK MAGNANTI IV and his KNIGHTS enter. The KNIGHTS bring in a throne to create the throne room set. THOROLD ANCELOT enters and hides. The KING sits, holding a script with his KNIGHTS at either side.

JIMMY: Indeed I did. Why do you ask?

NARRATOR: Just thought I’d say that you’re not as terrible a writer as I expected. You’ve even been using some surprisingly big words. Good job, Jimbo.

JIMMY: That’s Sir Jimmy to you. Only Ghost Writer Bob can call me Jimbo.

KING: Sir Jimmy!

JIMMY: Yes, my lord?

KING: “We must say that, after careful observation of you, we are left with no choice but to… give you a promotion? For… all the great work that you’ve done…?”

JIMMY: Really, my lord? Well, I must say that I am undeserving of such a reward-

KING: You most definitely do not deserve it! This isn’t what happened at all!

JIMMY: Yes it is. I remember this moment as if it happened yesterday.

KING: No you don’t! I knew this script was a fake!

The KING crushes the script and throws it away. The KING then finds the real book chronicling SIR JIMMY’s adventures.

JIMMY: Dammit!

KING: Sir Knight, give the narrator this book that chronicles the true events of this dunce of a man’s life! I’m sure the one they’re currently reading is nothing but a farce!

KNIGHT 1: “Sir Knight?” I have a name, you know.

KNIGHT 2 smacks KNIGHT 1’s head.

KNIGHT 1: Ow! Would you stop hitting me!?

KNIGHT 2: I will when you stop being a jackass.

KING: Just hurry up and swap the books, Sir Jackass.

KNIGHT 1: …Yes, my lord. What shall I do with Jimmy’s book?

JIMMY: Sir Jimmy.

KING: Quiet! You can just… throw it away or something.

JIMMY: Throw it away!? But it tells of my greatness and-

KING: I said shut it!

KNIGHT 1 swaps the books and throws the fake book away.

JIMMY: My life story! No!

KING: Oh, don’t worry. This book has a much more detailed depiction of your life story. Narrator, you’ll notice we’ve highlighted all the bits we expect you to read.

NARRATOR: “Sir Jimmy had been called by the King due to his ineptitude, repeated failure to follow instructions, and his amazing ability to “accidentally” commit crimes.”

JIMMY: My lord, please, this book is ridiculous! It makes me sound like the bad guy-

KING: Sir Jimmy!

JIMMY: Yes!

KING: You have disappointed us for the last time with your ridiculous shenanigans! For a long while, I-we have foolishly allowed you to work with these noble knights despite your inability to function.

KNIGHT 1: Hey, why’s the King talking in the third person?

KNIGHT 2: I don’t know, that’s just what Kings do, I think.

KNIGHT 1: But he never talks like this-

KING: Ahem! Although you are of noble blood, you have forsaken this kingdom far too much! I-we must recognize that you are quite unbecoming of a knight, therefore it is with great joy that we use our exceptional power to relieve you of your status and dismiss you from the Order of Knights! We will, however, be merciful. You can continue to live out your remaining days in peace. Before you go, we shall bestow upon you the most unfortunate title of Sir Jimmy, “that dunce of a man!” [laughs] A title only befitting an individual who is both insane and stupid enough to, let’s say, rush straight into the Demon Queen’s castle and challenge her to a fight! [laughs]

JIMMY: Woo! I am so honoured! Thank you so much, King… what-his-face! Yes!

KNIGHT 2: Why’s he happy about this?

NARRATOR: “Sir Jimmy That Duncuvaman, failing to see the irony, was incredibly happy that he finally received a title. He took this opportunity to celebrate for an entire 15-minutes straight.” Yeah, we’re not doing that. Just continue with your lines.

KING: Oh, thank God.

JIMMY: What? But we choreographed this-

KING: Sir Jimmy! You are dismissed!

JIMMY: Yes, my lord! I will [obvious wink] definitely not [obvious wink] go and fight the Demon Queen and defeat her once and for all! [obvious wink]

KING: …I’m sorry, what? Did I miss something?

JIMMY: Farewell, King! I will not disappoint you! I will defeat the Demon Queen-uh, I mean, I will not defeat the Demon Queen! [obvious wink]

KING: No, wait, I didn’t say you should fight the Demon Queen! It was just a metaphor!

JIMMY exits quickly. The KING sighs.

KING: Oh, for the love of-Sir Ancelot!

THOROLD comes out of hiding and kneels before the KING. THOROLD is dressed in a way that hides his face and hair.

THOROLD: My lord?

KING: I-we have a mission for you: we order you assassinate Sir Jimmy!

THOROLD: Before I respond, may I ask a question?

KING: You shall.

THOROLD: Is there a purpose in killing him when he will most likely be taken out by the Demon Queen anyway? Or… perhaps my lord has a reason they do not want Sir Jimmy to meet with her?

KING: [beat] Sir Ancelot, do you accept this mission or not?

THOROLD: …Yes, my lord.

THOROLD exits. The KING takes a deep breath.

KNIGHT 2: …If I may, my lord?

KING: You may speak.

KNIGHT 2: Why has my lord hired that assassin? There is something suspicious about him!

KING: Sir Thorold Ancelot is the most proficient individual at his craft. This is not a matter of trust. If Sir Ancelot fails to meet our expectations, then we will dispose of him.

KNIGHT 1: …Can we go now? It’s lunch time already.

KING: Lunch time!? Carry my throne, knaves! For I must feast on that ham!

KNIGHT 2: And now he’s back to first-person.

The KING and KNIGHTS exit, carrying the throne offstage. JIMMY enters, walking confidently.

NARRATOR: “Sir Jimmy, who had somehow misconstrued the King’s joke into a promotion, went on believing he was still a knight who could one day become a living legend like his great ancestor, Sir Billy Marvelousness-” Wait, really? You’re Sir Marvelousness’ descendant?

JIMMY: Indeed I am.

NARRATOR: Where did your family go wrong?

JIMMY: They did not go wrong, as they have given life to me, the newest hero!

NARRATOR: The worst things really do happen to the best people.

JIMMY: I can’t help but believe you are insulting me. I will not take-

NARRATOR: “Sir Jimmy, excited by his false promotion, gathered nearby citizens and celebrated in the streets. He celebrated for a while, dancing for 2 hours straight”? Ugh, this again? We’re skipping this… “On top of attaining a new title, Sir Jimmy managed to convince himself that the King was enlisting him on a top secret mission to complete the task of defeating the Demon Queen of Jade, Mara, once and for all. She was defeated once by Sir Marvelousness, but due to her alleged immortality, he was only able to stop her temporarily at the time. The Demon Queen continues to live on to this day, though notably she hasn’t been witnessed performing any evil deeds at all since her last battle. Or really doing anything for that matter.”

JIMMY: Alright! I am going to do what Marveloser couldn’t do by defeating the Demon Queen of Jade, Mara! Like, for real this time!

NARRATOR: Were you aware that the Demon Queen is immortal?

JIMMY: Well, yeah, but it’s not like that would stop me from killing her.

NARRATOR: What? You know that being immortal means… never mind.

JIMMY: At a loss for words? No doubt it’s due to my brilliance-

NARRATOR: “Sir Jimmy continued to flaunt his greatness to every passerby he encountered. Before he was to set off, however, he felt that he needed to fill up on items and equipment, so he went to talk to Bob the Merchant..."