The Snow Day Monologues by Lee Mueller


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BRITTNEY enters her area. She is plainly dressed: sweatshirt,
jeans etc.. holding a shopping bag.

BRITTNEY: I can't believe this! I spent 240 dollars on my daddy's
charge card on this awesome new outfit and what happens? School has a
snow day! A snow day! Now I can't even wear it! Seriously! Stupid
snow! Stupid school! Stupid day! I wasted four hours of my life in the
stupid mall… actually, I take it back. I love the mall. It's not
stupid. Except for those creeps in the food court. Anyway, I wasted 4
hours of my life trying things on, finding the right accessories, the
right shoes, the right purse, coordinating everything and.. and…
it's all wasted by the stupid snow. It could be days..or even weeks
until I can wear it! Who's going to care by then? It may be out of
fashion by the time school opens again! (thinks for a moment) Well,I
don't care! Today is my day and it's all in fashion right now!
(stomps off)

HERB walks into his area holding small video camera. He speaks
directly into camera.

HERB: Today will be my first “Snow Day” V-log. So, on this day, I get
a reprieve from Kelly the killer Larson and his lunch-money-extortion
plot. The whole thing's sad and yet.. funny. Because, you see, I bring
my lunch. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I bring Tuna Salad on
whole wheat, sliced apples and a pudding cup and on Tuesdays and
Thursdays I bring Salami and cheddar on white, chips and jello. I've
been doing this since the school year started. Actually since second
grade. Yet everyday, in the hallway, Larson grabs the hood of my
Gallifrey High Council limited edition jacket and says, “OK Four eyes!
Gimme your lunch money!” to which I reply, “I don't have any 'Lunch'
money. I brought my lunch. Again.” And then he looks puzzled for the
487th time. Then he twists my arm and says, “Say Uncle!” So… I say
“Uncle” and then he lets me go with this pathetic fake laugh. I
don't even have an Uncle. And if I did, I seriously doubt he would
help me.

SIMONE enters her area

SIMONE: So help me, this is no time to be bored. I have a whole free
day ahead of me. I can do a million things. I can…(thinks) Well, I
can't really go anywhere.. I mean, it's snowing. That pretty much
limits me to—well, staying here. Staying home. (sighs) But like I
said, I have a whole free day to not be bored. I mean, really,
anything could happen. I could do so much! Like what? What do people
do on days like this? (thinks) Well, my mom freaks out and sends my
dad out to buy bread and milk. I'm not sure what's up with that. Milk
and bread are boring. Personally, I would stock up on soda and chips.
Or pop tarts. Yea. Pop tarts. I could live on that if I had to. I
heard about some guy who got trapped in his car during a blizzard. He
was stuck for like—a whole week and the only thing he had food-wise
was breath mints. Wintergreen. Amazing that's all he had to eat. He
lost like twenty pounds but he had amazing breath. (sighs) I couldn't
imagine being trapped in car for a week. I mean, if I'm going to be
trapped in a blizzard, I'd much rather be at home. It's much roomier
than a car. Oh. I guess my wish came true. I am trapped at home.
Actually, I could be trapped at school right now. That would be the
ultimate bore. I guess the real question is which would be worse? If I
was at school, I'd be in Earth Science right about now, looking at
rocks. We'd be going over something like… the difference between
stalagmites and stalactites. “Stalag- mites rise from the floor and
they might reach the ceiling. Stalac-tites hang from the ceiling and
they don't fall because they hang on tight!” (long sigh) Really? How
utterly fascinating Simone. I didn't know that. Thank you.

TODD runs in his area -dressed for school: coat with hoodie,
gloves, book bag.

TODD: (removing book bag and coat) Oh thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I was soooo not ready for that Algebra test today! Thank you, thank
you, thank you! Oh and Bonus! This also means I get an extra time to
finish the Grapes of Wrath book report! And that Matchu Pitchu essay
for World History! (beat) Is that it? (thinks) Yes! Thank you!(does
small victory dance) OK right, so.. I need to use this time wisely.
Wise time! Wise productive time! I gotta nail this! No slack time. No
snow angels, snow ball fights or sled riding at Shady Valley. I know
it's tempting but no way Jose. Don't go there. I won't! So, right!
First we… we… what do we do first? Book report? World History? Let
me think. I'm carrying a B right now in History.. a low B, but a B
none the less. And American Lit, a high C. Algebra.. about the same.
So, which one really needs my attention first? And why?

TODD continues searching as BEVERLY enters her area and plops
down on bed.

BEVERLY: Why? I mean seriously. I got up at 4 am to listen to the
school closings, just hoping to get the day off, so I can get some
serious sleep! And what happens? I get the day off. I can can get some
serious sleep and now.. I'm wide awake! (gets up from bed) For no good
reason! Why? Why couldn't I have just heard the news and returned to
snooze. (beat) Hey, that rhymes! (thinks) Cause I've got the times…
When the alarm bell chimes… I'm awake and… it's such a crime. OK!
Now I've completely lost it! I've finally snapped! I'm spewing poems
for no reason. I'm so tired. (short pause) Utterly wired. Completely
admired. All right stop! Snap out of it! I need to sleep. (lays down
on floor -long heavy sigh) I need to shut off my brain. If I could
just stop thinking I could go back to sleep! (pause sits ups) I wonder
though if that's how poets do it, you know? Get up like.. amazingly
early in the morning and just start talking to themselves? And
everything they say comes out in a poem. That probably explains that
one guy… what his face? e e cummings. He was so tired he couldn't
even capitalize or punctuate. And that Frost guy. He was so tired he
had to stop in the woods on snowy evening. I bet he wanted to sleep. I
want to sleep. Deep…. Sleep…. Meryl Streep. Such a creep.
(yawns plops back onto bed)

[end of extract]



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