The Fridge by Alister Emerson


DOWNLOAD


This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent


ACT I. SC 1. DOUG AND FLORIN'S FLAT

The flat belonging to DOUG and FLORIN.

IN DARKNESS

The sounds of something metallic being hit.

Occasional grunts and vocalisations as they destroy the fridge. Until
finally… lights come up on two REPAIRERS in the flat with a stricken
fridge on the floor in pieces. A fridge is being torn apart by two
fridge REPAIRERS who have large false moustaches. The living room is
connected to the kitchen. It is obvious DOUG and FLORIN live frugally.
There is a broken TV set with no back. DOUG stands by helplessly
holding fridge parts.

REPAIRER #1

Doug, the inversion drive belt is deflecting particles instead of
routing heat to the defraction housing. And the utility power
transformer is diverting a stream of transient electric deviation
which has disabled the phase control system synchronizing the backup
generator plant.

DOUG

I don't know what you just said.

REPAIRER #1

The power sources must be…

REPAIRER #2

...phase-synchronized before they can be ...

REPAIRER #1

brought online to load. This requires manual…

REPAIRER #2

Resuscitation.

REPAIRER #1

Yes I concur.

REPAIRER #2

We could restore power to the availability zone…

REPAIRER #1

which would bring the EC2 instances up. But..

REPAIRER #2

(inhales sharply) ... there's no guarantee that would fix the

REPAIRER #1

cavitating…

REPAIRER #2

thermosatic instability.

REPAIRER #1

No… no guarantees.

DOUG

Can you fix it?

REPAIRER #1

Did you try turning it off and turning it back on again?

REPAIRER #2

We could try recalibrating the upstream transformer capacity.

REPAIRER #1

Far too risky. The load on the fractal chaos circuit would spleenify
the kidney drive.

DOUG

Did you just say spleenify?

REPAIRER #1

No, no, no, no… I said stream-a-line the oesophagus tract… panel.

DOUG

Fridges don't have oesophaguses.

REPAIRER #2

Oesophagi.

DOUG

What?

REPAIRER #2

Oesophagi. Is the plural of oesophagus.

DOUG

I'm pretty sure fridges don't have oesophagi or oesophaguses.

REPAIRER #1

Actually he's right you know

DOUG

Thank you.

REPAIRER #1

It can be oesophagi or oesophaguses.

REPAIRER #2

I did not know that

DOUG

I don't care. Fridges don't have oesophaguses, you made that up.

REPAIRER #2

Are you sure.

DOUG

Absolutely sure.

REPAIRER #2

Fridge expert all of a sudden are we? Why don't you fix it Mr Fridge
guru.

DOUG

No, I never said that… I just want to know what's wrong with the
fridge.

REPAIRER #1

Alright settle down, no need to get all shirty. Lets have another
look. Ok?

REPAIRER #2

Ok.

Pulls a stethoscope out of a bag, while REPAIRER #1 attempts to put a
bandage on the fridge

DOUG

Ok?

REPAIRER #2

Looks like you have a torn stabalising ligament, causing a critical
drop in liver function… and it is clear that its tonsils have to
come out. Do you concur?

REPAIRER #1

I concur. Clear…

Shocks the fridge with defib paddles.

DOUG

That's it. Fridges don't have tonsils.

REPAIRER #2

Are you sure?

REPAIRER #1 shrugs

DOUG

You're not fridge repair technicians are you?

REPAIRER #1 and REPAIRER #2

No.

DOUG

You don't know the first thing about them do you?

REPAIRERS shake their heads

REPAIRER #2

No. We're medical students who work for the fridge company in the
loading dock. But they were too busy to send an actual technician and
asked us to come.

DOUG

Look what you did to my fridge.

REPAIRER #1

It was pretty knackered before we got here.

DOUG

It was just the interior light that didn't work. It was under warranty
so I called you guys to come fix it. You ripped it to bits. I demand a
new fridge.

REPAIRER #1

Can't help you there, the warranty is void.

DOUG

What?

REPAIRER #2

It clearly states on the warranty if you tamper with the fridge it
voids the warranty. And this fridge has been tampered with.

DOUG

By you.

REPAIRER #1

We're not capable of doing this. We're only medical students.

They pack up the fridge and head for the door

We can take it back to the shop and you'll have to fill out this B4-27
form stating your case and submit it to our warranty claims
department. If you ask me the fridge was knackered anyway - it clearly
had dislocated tonsils before we arrived. Sign here… and here… and
here and we'll take it away for further assessment. Probably take
three to six months before you hear from us.

DOUG

What am I supposed to do in the meantime?

REPAIRER #1

You look like a decent bloke so we could do you a favour and leave the
doors of the ambulance open on the way back to the shop. If this
fridge were to accidentally slide out the back and get broken you
could claim it on insurance.

DOUG

I don't have any insurance cos I don't own anything new except this
fridge. But I couldn't do that, it's not honest. I'll take my chances
with the warranty department.

REPAIRER #1

Suit yourself.

REPAIRER #2

Cut back feeding your other appliances sugary foods and don't put any
small objects in your ear. I still suspect this fridge has early signs
of gestational diabetes.

REPAIRERS exit with fridge.

FLORIN enters from the bedroom holding a paint brush. She has some
paint on her face and clothes. FLORIN is visibly pregnant.

FLORIN

Did they fix the light in the fridge sweetheart?

DOUG

No it's worse than we thought Florin. They took it away to be
assessed.

FLORIN

For a broken light? I knew I should have fixed it myself.

DOUG

It might have voided the warranty. I know you could have.

FLOrin

How long til we get the fridge back?

DOUG

(mumbles) three to six months

FLORIN

pardon?

DOUG

Three to six months

FLORIN

We can't have no fridge for three to six months. The baby is coming.

DOUG

Now?

FLORIN

No, the baby is coming soon and we need a fridge Doug. I've almost
finished painting the baby's room, and you promised to help me put the
cot together.

DOUG

At least the baby's not going to sleep in the fridge.

FLORIN

You're an idiot sometimes Doug. (gently) Can you sort it out for me
tomorrow please honey?

DOUG

Yeah, I'll call them from work. At least I'm your idiot.

FLORIN

Yes you are. (FLORIN kisses Doug) Come and see the baby's room.

DOUG and FLORIN exit bantering as they exit

DOUG

Do you want to make another baby?

FLORIN

Doug!

SC 2. THE BANK

Barracuda Industries Bank. DOUG, and STEVO are working sticking horns
on tiny unicorns and putting them into Welcome to the Bank Bags. A
SECURITY GUARD watches them closely making sure they don't steal any
of the bank's unicorns.

DOUG

3892… 3893… 3894…

STEVO

4231… 1671… 89… 238… Giraffe…

DOUG

You made me lose count again Stevo.

STEVO

Just make it up, I do.

DOUG

And then some kid won't get a unicorn toy in their welcome to the bank
bag.

STEVO

Like I care. It's just some crazy stuff the Bank Manager dreamed up.

DOUG

It's how I was raised I suppose.

STEVO

What are those gerbil things? Yeah lemmings, lemmings are raised to
jump off cliffs in massive numbers. Lucky you weren't born a lemming.

DOUG

Feel like one sometimes.

DOUG answers his mobile phone

Hello Doug speaking…. yes… did you know I was on hold for twenty
minutes this morning?.. Look the repair guys damaged my fridge
yesterday… yes it was still under warranty… no the warranty wasn't
voided… I never touched it…They were medical students… I am not
being funny… do I sound like I'm laughing? What? That's rubbish.
Your guys trashed my fridge… Can I prove they damaged it? No. What?
Can I speak to your manager?... hello… hello… They hung up!

STEVO

You should have taken the offer to let it fall off the back of the
ambulance.

DOUG

I know, I know.

STEVO

Whaddya reckon Florin will say?

DOUG

That I should have taken the offer to let it fall off the back of the
ambulance. It was the only new thing we had. I'll have to get another
one from somewhere.

STEVO

How are you gonna do that?

DOUG

I dunno. We could tighten our budget.

STEVO

On these wages? Maybe you could go hang around the hospital and see if
one falls out the back of an ambulance.

DOUG

Ya egg.

DR GRÜBER enters.

DR GRüBER

Doug Small.

DOUG

That's me. What can I do for you?

DR GRüBER

My name is Dr Grüber. I work for Mr Bighorn on Level four and owing
to your recent serious misconduct with the candy machine I have to
sing the termination song for you.

DR GRÜBER sings the song to the tune of Happy Birthday

By Barracuda Bank you were hired,
And now today you have been fired,
We know you might think its wrong,
So we've put it in a song,

Doug

What? I put in a two dollar coin in the machine and the chocolate got
stuck in the little spiral thing. I just gave it a tap to shake it
loose.

DR GRÜBER

Please let me continue. This is very difficult for me. The reasons for
your termination of employment include:

1. a flimsy accusation of theft of company property;
2. nominal machine abuse which did not leave a mark on the machine;
3. and more importantly we can now outsource your job to a worker in
India for thirty cents a day;

Please leave the premises immediately after being subjected to a full
body cavity search for any company property. Any outstanding pay will
be forwarded to your bank account minus two dollars for the chocolate
bar.

Yours sincerely,
Ted Bighorn
Bank Manager

Grüber… oh this bit is for me. Now destroy this letter and conduct
the cavity search personally.

DR GRÜBER stuffs the letter in his mouth and then proceeds to put on
rubber gloves for the body search.

DOUG pushes past DR GRÜBER and heads offstage.

DOUG

I'm going to give Ted Bighorn a piece of my mind.

DR GRÜBER follows him off calling after him.

DR GRÜBER

Mr Small could I just get you to stop for a moment for the compulsory
cavity search…


SC 3. TED'S OFFICE

TED BIGHORN'S office at the bank. The furniture opposite TED'S desk is
designed to belittle people by being childlike proportions, small and
awkward. DOUG bursts into TED'S office with DR GRÜBER and SECURITY
GUARD in tow. TED is on the floor rolling in money. He has many
unicorns displayed around his office.

TED stands up embarrassed.

TED BIGHORN

I told you never to interrupt me when I am having my special time.

DR GRÜBER

Yes, Mr Bighorn. I'm very sorry sir but this employee from unicorn
assembly refuses to leave.

TED BIGHORN

Did you sing him the termination song?

DR GRÜBER

He's very stubborn.

TED BIGHORN

Get him out of my office. You know I'm allergic to peasants. Call more
security.

DOUG

I was hoping you might reconsider my dismissal. There seems to be a
misunderstanding about a chocolate bar jammed in the vending machine.

TED BIGHORN

A beggar. I think I'm going to be sick.

DR GRÜBER

You must leave now. You're making Mr Bighorn uncomfortable.

DOUG

Wait, please my wife Florin and I are having a baby. I can't afford to
lose this job.

TED BIGHORN

What was that?

DOUG

I said… I can't afford to lose this job.

TED BIGHORN

Blah, blah, job, shlob… no the other bit. What did you say?

DOUG

My wife Florin and I…

TED BIGHORN

Florin? Florin Golding? So you're the one. Doug Small. Why didn't you
say so in the first place? Bring him back. Make yourself comfortable
and we can chat about Florin.

SECURITY brings DOUG over to the awkward little chair where DOUG tries
desperately to make himself comfortable.

DR GRÜBER

Will there be anything else sir?

TED BIGHORN

I spilled something on my snow leopard fur rug and it's being dry
cleaned, the floor looks empty without it. Assume the position.

The SECURITY GUARD stretches out on the floor face down like an animal
rug with his mouth open.

Florin used to work for me as a teller in the money laundering
department. How did you end up with a hot little chicky like her
Doug?

DOUG

She's not a hot little chicky, she's my wife.

TED

I don't think of her as your wife, she's my unicorn.

DOUG

Your unicorn?

TED BIGHORN

My unicorn, a beautiful mythical creature… pointy horn.. hard to
catch. You've been stuffing them into bags for the past year, not too
bright are you? She got away from me once but I will have her. Florin
and I shared a special moment at the Grated Polar Bear Restaurant if
you know what I mean. Now I have to appear in a flashback for the
audience.

A tight spotlight come up on a table on a different part of the stage
where a younger not-pregnant FLORIN is at a table in a restaurant. The
MAITRE D' hovers behind her. TED BIGHORN crosses to the table where he
tries to hit on FLORIN and she slaps him and storms out. TED BIGHORN
returns to the present nursing his cheek.

She was into me. I could tell. Nothing is over til the fat lady sings.
And I will make her sing. Do you hunt Doug?

DOUG

Can't say I ever do.

TED BIGHORN

No… I do. I was safari hunting three months ago when I shot this
one. Crept up on it for about six hours in the mountains. I had to
take my gloves off to aim at the slippery little bugger as it was
hiding in the snow, going you can't see me, I'm a snowflake. But I
could Doug. I tried to not make a sound as I leaned out of the
helicopter and BANG! Snow leopard fur rug for Ted. Taught you right
you filthy little mongrel, you won't give me cold fingers again. And
we ate its heart right there in the snow… actually a chef back at
the resort made a snow leopard pâté with a little duck thrown in to
take the edge off it.

DOUG

That's a charming story.

TED BIGHORN

No it's a man story. Next month I'm going to bag me an elephant or two
because I am the man that other men want to be. I am the man Florin
can't get out of her mind but mark my words I will bag her too. Admit
it she sent you to see me, didn't she? She has finally come to her
senses and wants to come crawling back to me.

DOUG

Ahh..no. You fired me about 10 minutes ago and I was hoping you might
reconsider and give me my job back.

TED BIGHORN

Laughs Bahahahahahaha…. You get Florin to come down here and let's
see what happens.

DOUG

I knew this was a stupid idea.

TED BIGHORN

I don't know what she sees in you, you worm. You can't even provide
for her. You just got fired from your job, what a loser. Tell you
what, I'll give you your job back and a bonus fifty thousand dollars
to walk away from her. Right now, tax free.

TED BIGHORN pulls out his checkbook

DOUG

What?

TED BIGHORN

$50 thousand dollars and I will chuck in this watch made with parts
from the last space shuttle, it counters the effects of the earth's
gravitational field.

DOUG

Are you serious?

TED BIGHORN

Deadly serious. She's my unicorn. Got away from me once but I will
have her. I'll make this check out to Doug Small.

TED BIGHORN hands DOUG a check


DOWNLOAD

Script Finder

Male Roles:

Female Roles:

Browse Library

About Stageplays

Stageplays offers you the largest collection of Plays & Musicals in the world.

Based in the UK and the USA, we’ve been serving the online theatre community since the last century. We’re primarily a family-run business and several of us also work in professional theatre.

But we’re all passionate about theatre and we all work hard to share that passion with you and the world’s online community.

Subscribe to our theatre newsletter

We'll email you regular details of new plays and half-price special offers on a broad range of theatre titles.

Shipping

We can deliver any play in print to any country in the world - and we ship from both the US and the UK.

© 2010 - 2021 Stageplays, Inc.