The Beginner's Guide to Murdering Your Husband by David Muncastor

This Play is the copyright of the Author, and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent

Characters

Maddy, a business woman F 35 45 Jim, her husband M 35 45 John, an employee M 20 40 Kerry, an employee F 20 40 Julie, an employee F 20 - 40

Production Notes

There are some very quick changes throughout this play and a suggestion of the appropriate clothing is probably more practicable than full costume changes. Sets should be kept simple

Music may keep the audience entertained between scenes

As the play progresses the scenes portrayed for the video become more and more representative of Maddy and Jim's relationship and the audience should become aware of the fact that they are watching a murder mystery

ACT I
Scene One

The lights come up to reveal MADDY, a smartly dressed business lady. To the side of the stage is MADDY's office. This is the office of a modern and successful business. MADDY is sitting at a desk in her office typing on a laptop computer. She stops typing and addresses the audience as if she was speaking to camera

MADDY: Hello there. Welcome to "The Beginners Guide to Murdering Your Husband". How do you like the title? It's rather good isn't it? The video is, of course, intended for women, but I wouldn't be at all surprised to find a few men taking a peek at it as well. After all, lots of men have a crafty look at women's magazines in the dentist's waiting room and are then found lurking around the moisturisers in Boots before you can say mid life crisis, but I should point out that results cannot be guaranteed

Now ladies, whether you have downloaded this film from our website, or bought a DVD in a store, I'm sure you are going to find our little instructional video very useful and you'll have a dead husband in no time at all. Oh, before I go on I must say that our lawyers have asked us to point out that murdering your husband is, strictly speaking, illegal. Well it is in the United Kingdom anyway, if you reside in another country it is probably worth your while checking on what the local regulations are. They do vary from country to country, or even state to state in America, I am led to believe. But, well, it is a bit like illegally downloading music from the internet isn't it? I mean, we all know we shouldn't do it, but we do it anyway and the police hardly have the resources to go round locking up everyone do they? But please remember that the authorities do sometimes like to make an example of someone, so the use of the techniques that I am about to teach you must be considered to be at your own risk

Right, sorry about that, had to get the legal stuff out of the way. You will have noticed that the subtitle of this film is 'Ten Easy Steps to Becoming a Widow'. Don't worry, there is nothing terribly complicated, it isn't like a recipe; first do this and then do that; we are simply going to show you a number of alternative methods to achieving your desire to be a widow. Some describe the act of doing away with your unwanted partner; others describe how to deal with the technicalities of, er, getting away with it. All you have to do is decide which method suits you the best

Enough of me talking. I think it is time to introduce to you the actors that are going to demonstrate our methods to you. First of all Jim, would you like to introduce yourself?

JIM appears. He is about the same age as MADDY and is dressed casually

JIM: Hello.

MADDY: Jim is my husband in real life. Don't worry, I don't really want to kill him, ha ha. Ahem, and here are Kerry, Julie and John (The three of them enter and wave.). We'll be seeing more of them later on. So, pour yourself a glass of wine, sit back, relax and enjoy learning how to murder your husband. MADDY exits and the others create a simple scene to represent a living room that is being decorated. Furniture, including a sofa, is covered with sheets. A step ladder is placed next to a wall that has recently been painted except for a section near the top. JIM addresses the audience.

JIM: Method One. "The DIY accident." JIM slides under the sheet covering the sofa so that just his arms and upper body are exposed. He opens a newspaper and starts to read. MADDY enters wearing a boiler suit and holding a paint roller.

MADDY: Don't put yourself out, will you?

JIM: Hmm?

MADDY: I mean, don't offer to help or anything.

JIM: I wasn't planning to.

MADDY: No, that is obvious.

JIM: It is you that insisted that the room needed decorating. I thought it was perfectly all right as it was.

MADDY: All right? We haven't decorated this room since we moved in!

JIM: And?

MADDY: And it needed doing. I want it nice before Mother comes to visit.

JIM: Oh Christ, yes. Your mother. That is what this is all about.

MADDY: And just what is that supposed to mean?

JIM: Why do we have to go to all this effort just because you mother deigns to visit us?

MADDY: We are not going to any effort.

JIM: Does she re-decorate because we are going to visit her?

MADDY: She doesn't need to: she doesn't live in a pigsty. And what do you mean 'deigns to visit us'? I hope you are not suggesting that you will not be absolutely delighted to see her.

JIM: Of course not dear. It is always a pleasure to see your mother. I only wish we had the room so that she could move in permanently. She is so like you, it would be like having double the pleasure every day. By the way, you've missed a bit.

MADDY: I know. I was wondering if you could do the top bit for me.

JIM: Me?

MADDY: I can't reach.

JIM: That's what the ladders are for.

MADDY: But it would be easier for you.

JIM: How do make that out?

MADDY: You are taller than me.

JIM: But I'd still need the ladder. I'd just be on a lower rung, that's all. I don't see how that makes it any easier.

MADDY: Oh go on Jim.

JIM: I can't, and you know I can't. Are you trying to humiliate me?

MADDY: You know I wouldn't do that.

JIM: I get vertigo standing on a kerb stone. You'd never get me up a ladder, not after that accident at work.

MADDY: (Unconvincingly) Oh yes, I'd forgotten.

JIM: Well I haven't. I've still got the bruises.

MADDY: So, you get dizzy if you go up a ladder do you?

JIM: Finally, it has sunk in.

MADDY: So no one would be the least bit surprised if you fell off one.

JIM: Eh?

MADDY: Oh nothing.

JIM: If you had asked earlier on I might have done a bit, but I can't do the top bit.

MADDY: No dear. That's quite all right.

JIM: Yes?

MADDY: Yes what?

JIM: 'That's quite all right, but.' There is usually a but.

MADDY: No. No buts. Except this one. MADDY wiggles her bottom at him.

JIM: Do you mind? I've not long eaten.

MADDY: Is there room under that sheet for two?

JIM: Er. Well. Yes. I suppose.

MADDY: Hutch up then. MADDY slides under the sheet next to JIM and plays with his chest seductively.

JIM: What are you doing?

MADDY: What does it look like?

JIM: Are you feeling OK?

MADDY: Just marvellous Jim. How about a bit of fun?

JIM: Here?

MADDY: Why not?

JIM: We have a perfectly functioning bedroom upstairs.

MADDY: Is that an invitation?

JIM: What's got into you?

MADDY: You. In a minute, hopefully. Come on this is exciting.

JIM: How do you make that out?

MADDY: Do you want to know what I've got under this boiler suit?

JIM: I dread to think.

MADDY: Nothing at all.

JIM: That is what I feared.

MADDY: I could be out of it in a jiffy.

JIM: Yes, they're very functional like that.

MADDY: Then I could help you out of your clothes.

JIM: I think I'll stay as I am, thanks.

MADDY: And we could paint in the nude.

JIM: Not a very practical suggestion if you don't mind me saying so.

MADDY: We could get all covered in paint and then have a bath together like in that film Shirley Valentine.

JIM: It would never work. We only have a standard size bath, no room for the two of us.

MADDY: Don't you - desire me?

JIM: Yes dear, you're lovely but not right at this minute.

MADDY: Fine, I just wondered that's all. She gets out from under the sheet and picks up her roller.

JIM: I suppose you're not talking to me now.

MADDY: No dear, my apologies, I don't know what came over me.

JIM: Oh, er, well, that's all right.

MADDY: There's a time and a place for that sort of thing and this isn't it, right?

JIM: Well, yes.

MADDY: So I'll just get on and finish this and I'll clear up.

JIM: Good. Yes. Good idea.

MADDY: Oh, just one thing. I do so want you and my mother to get along. I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to tell her that you did all this! In honour of her visit.

JIM: What?

MADDY: I'll tell her that you insisted on making it nice before she arrived.

JIM: Are you sure? That's very nice of you.

MADDY: It will make her see you in a new light. And maybe then you will be friends.

JIM: Well, OK. If you say so.

MADDY: Perhaps you ought to do a little bit though. Just so that there is some truth in it.

JIM: Oh, I get it. You are still trying to get me up that ladder.

MADDY: No, no. Just go over a bit I've done that's all.

JIM: Well, if it makes you feel better.

MADDY: Yes, come on. JIM emerges from under the sheet and approaches MADDY. She hands him the roller.

MADDY: There you are, just do that bit there. No! Hold on. I'll go and fetch my camera, then my mother will know how hard you've been working. Don't move! MADDY exits. JIM stands motionless facing the wall, the roller in his hand. MADDY returns with a large frying pan and whacks JIM around the back of the head. He collapses to the ground.

JIM: Jesus!

MADDY: Shut up, you're dead.

JIM: You might have warned me.

MADDY: The look of surprise on your face is important for the video.

JIM: Well, you didn't have to do it that hard. MADDY lays the ladder on its side and arranges JIM so that he looks as though he has fallen off it.

JIM: Just tell me where you want me to be and I'll move myself. Stop prodding me.

MADDY: For a dead man you don't half complain a lot. There,that'll do. MADDY removes the boiler suit to reveal that she is not, in fact, naked underneath but is wearing her business suit. She returns to her seat behind the desk.

MADDY: So there you have the first lesson. "The DIY accident." It is so easy to accomplish. Our little demonstration here was just to give you an idea of how you might go about it. As with all the methods,you must use your imagination to come up with your own plan.

JIM: Can I get up now?

MADDY: So many things can go wrong when doing work around the house. A fatal mix of water and electricity is always a good one.

JIM: I'm getting cramp.

MADDY: Just hold on a minute will you. I'm doing a piece to camera.

JIM: Well, get on with it. This is really uncomfortable.

MADDY: Though one must always make sure that one takes the necessary safety precautions to ensure that one does not become the victim oneself, if you see what I mean.

JIM: Sod this. JIM gets up and leaves.

MADDY: Jim! Jim! Oh well, that leads us nicely on to the next method. Jim!

JIM: (Off) Yes dear.

MADDY: Get the placard.

Scene Two

MADDY exits

KERRY, JULIE and JOHN come on and remove the living room scene. They bring on a counter and a few effects to indicate that this is now a police station. They exit and JIM comes with a placard that reads. 'He Just Disappeared' and shows this to the audience. He exits.

MADDY enters wearing a coat. She rings a bell on the counter and waits. As soon as he is ready JOHN appears behind the counter dressed as a policeman.

JOHN: Yes madam. How can I help you?

MADDY: Oh, it's terrible. He's gone!

JOHN: Who has gone madam?

MADDY: My husband. He has just disappeared.

JOHN: I'm sorry to hear that, did you want to report him missing?

MADDY: I don't know what can have happened to him. He is not like this.

JOHN: Don't upset yourself. There is probably a perfectly rational explanation to all this.

MADDY: How can there be? Where can he be?

JOHN: In the vast majority of cases the missing people just turn up again.

MADDY: (Archly) Jim won't.

JOHN: I'm sorry?

MADDY: I mean, I pray for his safe return.

JOHN: Jim did you say?

MADDY: Yes.

JOHN: And what is his surname?

MADDY: Bennett.

JOHN: Jim Bennett. Any other names?

MADDY: His middle name is Gordon.

JOHN: Jim Gordon Bennett.

MADDY: His parents were so cruel.

JOHN: And your name?

MADDY: I'm Maddy Bennett. His wife.

JOHN: When did you last see your husband?

MADDY: On Sunday. He took the car to the car wash.

JOHN: So he is in his car.

MADDY: Damn! No. Er, he took the car to the car wash; then he returned and went out again for a walk.

JOHN: What time was this?

MADDY: About three o'clock in the afternoon.

JOHN: Do you know if anyone saw him after he went for a walk?

MADDY: Not that I know of.

JOHN: So, the last person to have seen him, apart from yourself, will have been the people at the car wash.

MADDY: Oh hell. No. Forget about the car wash.

JOHN: But it might be important.

MADDY: OK then, it was one of those automatic ones. He won't have seen anyone. In fact the car is filthy. He didn't go to a car wash.

JOHN: But you just said that he did.

MADDY: No he said he was going to the car wash, then he came back, but he hadn't been to the car wash, and then he went out again for a walk.

JOHN: Right, so he went out in the car but you don't know where he went.

MADDY: That's it, yes.

JOHN: And how was he when he went out?

MADDY: Fine, his usual self.

JOHN: He didn't seem upset, or distracted at all?

MADDY: Oh, that's a good idea, yes, he seemed depressed.

JOHN: In what way?

MADDY: What?

JOHN: What gave you the impression that he was depressed?

MADDY: He said he was going to kill himself.

JOHN: I see. That is quite significant you know.

MADDY: I'm sorry. I'd forgotten.

JOHN: You'd forgotten that he said he was going to kill himself.

MADDY: Well, what with the stress and everything.

JOHN: I see. Are there any friends or relatives he might have gone to visit?

MADDY: (Incredulous) You mean to help him to kill himself?

JOHN: No, just anywhere that he might have gone.

MADDY: Oh no. I don't think so. He was too depressed for that.

JOHN: Hmm. Even so we'll need a list of names and addresses from you. Now, apart from being depressed, how is his health generally?

MADDY: Well, to be honest, his health has taken a bit of a nose dive in the very recent past.

JOHN: In what way?

MADDY: (Off hand) He hasn't been looking too good since Sunday.

JOHN: I'm sorry.

MADDY: That's quite all right.

JOHN: No, I mean I didn't hear what you said.

MADDY: Oh, I was just saying he didn't seem very well on Sunday.

JOHN: Did he complain of anything in particular?

MADDY: Yes! He said he was having dizzy spells.

JOHN: And yet he went out in the car.

MADDY: They got better.

JOHN: I see. Did he have any long term health problems? Something he had seen his doctor about?

MADDY: Oh no. Do you know that you've started to talk about him in the past tense?

JOHN: Oh, I'm really sorry.

MADDY: That's quite all right.

JOHN: When he went for his walk, did he have any credit cards with or forms of identity, that sort of thing?

MADDY: No. Nothing.

JOHN: Are you sure?

MADDY: Quite sure. He didn't have a penny on him.

JOHN: Was it usual for him to leave the house like that?

MADDY: Well, no. But he was wearing his gardening trousers. The pockets are full of holes and he wouldn't want to lose anything.

JOHN: Why was he wearing his gardening trousers?

MADDY: He'd been gardening of course.

JOHN: After he came back in the car, but before he went for a walk?

MADDY: No. Before he went out in the car.

JOHN: So, he said he was going to the car wash but he was wearing his gardening trousers and didn't have a penny on him?

MADDY: Er, yes. That's how I knew he was lying.

JOHN: Plus, the car is filthy.

MADDY: Exactly.

JOHN: Did he say where he had been when he came back?

MADDY: He said he'd been to the car wash.

JOHN: Which you knew was a lie.

MADDY: Yes. Hey, yes, that's it. I said he was lying. We had a row and he went for a walk.

JOHN: You had a row.

MADDY: NO! No, no, we didn't have a row. I was going to say that he was lying but I didn't, and we didn't have a row, but he did go for a walk.

JOHN: Are you sure?

MADDY: Yes. Absolutely.

JOHN: Right. Do you have a recent photograph of your husband?

MADDY: Oh yes. Here. (She passes him a photograph.)

JOHN: Does he always look like this?

MADDY: Like what?

JOHN: Well, scared to be honest. MADDY snatches the photograph back.

MADDY: Perhaps that one is a little too recent. Here. (She passes him an alternative photograph.)

JOHN: OK. We'll get this copied and circulated. Now, don't worry yourself. He has probably just holed up somewhere and will turn up in the next day or so.

MADDY: Yes, he certainly is holed up somewhere.

JOHN: If you could let us know immediately if he does turn up. In the meantime I'll arrange for an officer to come and search your house.

MADDY: What!

JOHN: This is standard procedure, nothing to worry about. There might be clues there to his disappearance that you haven't noticed.

MADDY: That's what I am worried about.

JOHN: So, if you could try to leave things pretty much as they are. Don't start having a big clear out.

MADDY: Er, I might have already started.

JOHN: If you could just sign here. This gives us consent to search your home.

MADDY: No. I'd rather you didn't.

JOHN: It might hamper our investigation. You do want your husband found don't you?

MADDY: Um. Yes, of course. It's just that you'll need to give me a few days to destroy the… er I mean to, to, er, get used to the idea.

JOHN: As you wish. Now I can give you some leaflets for support organisations: The Missing Persons Bureau, The Samaritans, that sort of thing.

MADDY: Oh, I wouldn't bother.

JOHN: And you're not to fret. He is most likely to be safe and sound. In fact it wouldn't surprise me at all if you got home and found him up to his neck with things in the garden.

MADDY: Or even deeper than that perhaps. Thank you. MADDY removes her coat whilst the others remove the counter. MADDY resumes her seat behind her desk.

MADDY: I hope our little demonstration has shown you some of the pitfalls that are easy to fall into when you report your husband missing. My recommendation is that the type of murder where you have to dispose of the body and pretend that he 'just disappeared' should only be a last resort. The most effective murder is where he dies in front of dozens of other people, all of whom will swear that you had nothing to do with it. Our next method is a perfect example. It takes a bit of forward planning but, if done properly, can be very effective. We call this 'Food Poisoning'.

Scene Three

MADDY exits and the others set a restaurant scene with a table for two centre stage. On this table is placed a sign reading 'Was it something he ate?' After a moment JIM appears dressed for a romantic meal. He sits at the table and the sign is removed.

When she is ready MADDY joins him. She is, perhaps, wearing a scarf or something to distinguish her from the previous scene.

MADDY: Hello darling, I'm sorry I'm late.

JIM: Oh, not by much, I was just about to order some wine. Shall I ask for the wine list?

MADDY: Oh you choose darling. You know so much about these things.

JIM: Thank you. I will. Er, excuse me. KERRY appears dressed as a waitress.

KERRY: Yes Sir?

JIM: Can I see the wine list

KERRY: Certainly Sir. She picks up the wine list that was on the table all the time and gives it to JIM. He studies it after due deliberation.

JIM: I think we'll have the Vin de la Maison.

KERRY: Thank you Sir (She exits.)

MADDY: Is that a good one?

JIM: Oh yes. We had that when we went out on my birthday. I expect it's from the same vineyard.

MADDY: It must be satisfying to be so knowledgeable about the finer things in life.

JIM: Oh well, I just pick things up as I go along. JULIE appears dressed as a waitress. JULIE: Are you ready to order Sir?

JIM: Oh. I'm sorry; we've been too busy chatting. Can you give us a few minutes? JULIE: Certainly Sir. She exits. JIM hands MADDY a copy of the menu.

MADDY: Thank you dear. I'm not sure I want a starter. I'm not that hungry.

JIM: Oh, but it is a special occasion darling. Not everyone can boast they have been married as long as we have.

MADDY: No dear.

JIM: But don't have one if you don't want one.

MADDY: Did you want one?

JIM: Well I was going to ask about the soup of the day.

MADDY: Oh, go on then. I'll have the same.

JIM: Are you sure?

MADDY: Yes.

JIM: You said you didn't fancy a starter.

MADDY: But I can't leave you to eat on your own.

JIM: So you are just eating to please me.

MADDY: Yes, well, no.

JIM: Which is it?

MADDY: I don't want to have an argument.

JIM: We're not having an argument. We are deciding whether to have a starter.

MADDY: Well it sounds like an argument to me.

JIM: Well, you should know.

MADDY: And what does that mean?

JIM: You've started enough.

MADDY: Well, I didn't start this one. Look, I'm trying to be nice here.

JIM: By making me feel guilty about having a starter?

MADDY: I'm not making you feel guilty.

JIM: Yes you are. How can you say that you are not? You don't know whether I feel guilty or not. Only I know if I feel guilty.

MADDY: I don't care whether you have a starter or not. I'm going to the toilet. Please try to make your mind up whilst I am gone. MADDY exits. JULIE appears. JULIE: Have you decided yet?

JIM: Just a few more minutes please. Oh, by the way, what is the soup of the day? JULIE: Broccoli Sir.

JIM: Eeuugh. JULIE: But we've run out so it's chicken.

JIM: I'm sorry? JULIE: The soup of the day is broccoli, but we've run out, so it's chicken.

JIM: Why didn't you just say the soup of the day is chicken? JULIE: But it isn't Sir. It's broccoli.

JIM: Yes, but you haven't got any. JULIE: No Sir. We've run out.

JIM: So, in effect, the soup of the day is chicken. JULIE: I don't follow you Sir.

JIM: If I were to order soup of the day, what would I get? JULIE: Chicken Sir.

JIM: So the soup of the day is chicken. JULIE: Oh no Sir. It's broccoli.

JIM: Do you know? I don't think I'll bother with a starter. MADDY returns.

JIM: Hello darling. Did you decide what you wanted for you main course darling?

MADDY: What? Oh, er, the chicken. JULIE: Oh, I'm sorry Madam. We've run out of chicken.

JIM: Do you have broccoli? JULIE: I beg your pardon Sir?

MADDY: Oh, I'll have the lamb cutlets then. JULIE: Certainly. And for you, Sir?

JIM: Rump steak. Medium rare. With fries. JULIE: Did you want fries or potatoes madam?

MADDY: Er, fries, no potatoes. No. Actually I think I'll have the fish. With potatoes. JULIE: Certainly Madam. JULIE exits.

MADDY: Why aren't you having a starter?

JIM: They didn't have what I wanted. See? Problem over. Now can we just enjoy the meal? KERRY arrives with the wine and pours some for JIM to taste. He does so, swirling the wine around in glass, sipping it, pouring in the glassful, gargling with it before swallowing and nodding his approval. KERRY pours them both a drink and exits.

MADDY: I see you are being your usual adventurous self.

JIM: Hmm?

MADDY: Rump steak. Medium rare. With fries. I've never known you have anything else when we go out.

JIM: You can't go wrong with rump steak. They can't muck about with it too much. You don't know what you're eating with half the stuff on the menu. You'd think that they were trying to poison you.

MADDY: Ah, ahem, yes. Well I wouldn't stop you having what you want on our anniversary darling.

JIM: Sixteen years! Hasn't it flown by?

MADDY: Yes dear. We've had six happy years.

JIM: Sixteen dear.

MADDY: Six happy years though darling.

JIM: Oh, I see. You were making a joke.

MADDY: Nice of you to recognise it.

JIM: Well, I've always had a great sense of humour.

MADDY: Go on.

JIM: What?

MADDY: Finish your little joke.

JIM: After all, I married you didn't I?

MADDY: Thank you Jim. You are so reliable. I must have heard that a hundred times.

JIM: I've told you a million times not to exaggerate.

MADDY: And that.

JIM: Well, I'm sorry. I'm trying to be nice here. If my conversation isn't sparkling enough for you perhaps we should just go home and watch TV.

MADDY: Good idea. Do I get to chose what we watch?

JIM: What do you mean? You know that I will always let you see whatever you want.

MADDY: Oh really? You guard that control like your life depends on it.

JIM: Rubbish!

MADDY: So, tell me, where is the control at this moment?

JIM: I have no idea.

MADDY: Of course you do. It is stuffed behind the cushion on your chair. You always hide it there in case I find it when you are out.

JIM: This is just a figment of your imagination.

MADDY: So how come it is always in your possession?

JIM: I don't know. It's probably because it is me that turns it off. You go to bed before me.

MADDY: Yes, that's another thing. What exactly do you watch after I have gone to bed?

JIM: Oh, sport, documentaries, that sort of thing.

MADDY: So how come the TV is always on Channel X if I happen to turn it on in the morning?

JIM: Channel X?

MADDY: And how come all that I can here after I go to bed is grunting and groaning?

JIM: That'll be the tennis.

MADDY: Come off it Jim. I don't mind you watching your sordid little programmes late at night, but at least have the decency to be honest about it. Unseen by JIM, JULIE has arrived to set the cutlery.

JIM: To what are you referring?

MADDY: I know what they show on Channel X

JIM: OK then. Yes, you're quite correct. I watch porn films every night. A man's got to have some pleasure and I don't care if you do know: Big Titty Bonanza; Naughty Girls in Lycra; The World's Best MILFs.

MADDY: What's a MILF?

JIM: A Mother I'd Like to F… JULIE: Fish knife Madam?

MADDY: Thank you. JULIE: Thank you Madam. Sir. (She exits)

MADDY: You were saying darling?

JIM: You cow! You knew she was there. I'll murder you for that.

MADDY: Not if I get you first. Anyway you can watch what you like after I have gone to bed, it doesn't bother me in the slightest,but I do wish you would let me see the odd programme in the evening.

JIM: You can watch whatever you like.

MADDY: So long as it is Police,Camera, Action, or Cops with Cameras or Road Wars or anything else with car chases in it. How can you watch the same thing again and again?

JIM: I suppose you'd like to watch soap operas all night?

MADDY: Well it would be interesting to know what Ena Sharples and Minnie Caldwell are getting up to these days.

JIM: Ena. Oh, I see. Another joke. You really should be on the stage. Sweeping it.

MADDY: You're so full of wit darling. JULIE is back with the food.

JIM: Oh, drop dead you old… JULIE: Trout. And Rump steak for you Sir? (She exits.)

JIM: Ah. At least we can have a bit of peace whilst we eat.

MADDY: You're not going to eat that are you?

JIM: Yes, of course. What's wrong with it?

MADDY: Nothing but look at your hands.

JIM: My hands?

MADDY: They're filthy.

JIM: They are?

MADDY: Yes. Go and wash them. You'll get botulism.

JIM: They don't look dirty to me.

MADDY: Better to be safe darling.

JIM: Why do you care all of a sudden?

MADDY: Someone has to look after you. Just pop to the toilet.

JIM: Oh, all right. If it will make you happy. JIM exits. MADDY takes a syringe from her handbag and injects something into JIM's rump steak. She returns the syringe to her handbag and sips her wine until JIM returns.

JIM: (Showing her his hands) Happy now?

MADDY: Just thinking of you darling. Let's eat before it gets cold. (They eat.)

JIM: Mmn. This is good actually. The steak is nice and juicy. Listen. Let's not argue any more. This should be a happy occasion, why not enjoy ourselves? We could go on somewhere from here. Go dancing perhaps?

MADDY: Dancing! You?

JIM: Why not?

MADDY: Well, you can't dance for a start.

JIM: Yes I can.

MADDY: No, you think you can when you've had a few. Don't forget that I saw you at my sister's wedding. You looked like you were having a fit.

JIM: Just because you don't know the modern styles.

MADDY: Darling, you dance like a bag of spanners in a tumble dryer.

JIM: Well, that's charming, isn't it? I'm trying to be nice.

MADDY: All right then Michael Flatley. Where do you imagine that you are going to take me dancing then? The old Palais has gone you know. It's a bingo hall now.

JIM: No, it was a bingo hall. Then it was a casino; then it was a carpet warehouse. Now it's a car park. There are other places you know.

MADDY: No I don't know, and I sincerely hope you don't know, unless you a leading a double life.

JIM: What is that supposed to mean?

MADDY: What I mean is, if you are so familiar with the nightclubs in this town, who is it that you are familiar with to become familiar with them. If you understand me.

JIM: Sorry, you lost me on the first familiar.

MADDY: Who is the other woman?

JIM: What other woman?

MADDY: The one you take to nightclubs.

JIM: There isn't one. I don't go to nightclubs.

MADDY: So how do you know so much about them?

JIM: I don't. Who said anything about nightclubs?

MADDY: You did.

JIM: No, all I said is there are places to go dancing now that the Palais De Dance has closed down.

MADDY: And what sort of places are they?

JIM: Well, nightclubs I suppose.

MADDY: Exactly!

JIM: But I've never been inside one.

MADDY: But you want to take me to one tonight to make a fool of me.

JIM: I won't be making a fool of you.

MADDY: You will if you start dancing.

JIM: Oh I give up. Have you finished (Her dinner)

MADDY: Yes. How was the steak?

JIM: Very nice actually. Unusual sauce, tasted a bit of lime, but nice all the same. Having a dessert?

MADDY: I might as well. As you are determined that we are going to enjoy ourselves, it would be as well to bring chocolate into the equation. JULIE has appeared.

JULIE:Was everything OK?

JIM: Yes, fine. We'll see the dessert menu please. As JULIE clears the things JIM poke his tongue around inside his mouth as if trying to work out what it is he can taste.

MADDY: Do stop doing that. You look like you've just come out of the dentist.

JIM: Bit of an odd after-taste.

MADDY: Well, have a sip of your wine. JIM has stuck his tongue out and as trying to examine to tip of it.

JIM: Doth ny tung ook thunny?

MADDY: No your tongue looks fine, put it away.

JIM: Are oo thaw?

MADDY: Yes. Jim, put it away. You look like you are doing a Maori Haka.

JIM: (Having put his tongue away he launches into the All Blacks Haka, complete with arm movements and staring eyes.) ka mate, ka mate, ka ora, ka ora, ka mate ka mate, ka ora ka..

JULIE is back

JULIE:I beg your pardon sir?

JIM: Er, Ki-ora. Have you got any Ki-ora. Or any type of orange juice?

JULIE: We have freshly squeezed orange juice sir. Would you like me to bring you a glass?

JIM: Oh, on second thoughts no. We'll just take the dessert menus thank you.

JULIE hands them the menus and hovers.

JIM: Now then. I think you were after something chocolatey, weren't you darling? MADDY has been staring at him with blank amazement.

JIM: How about profiteroles? Eh?

MADDY: Profiteroles.

JIM: Yes? Profiteroles?

MADDY: Profiteroles.

JIM: Yes, my wife will have profiteroles. Just coffee for me. Did you want coffee darling?

MADDY: Profiteroles.

JIM: Just the one coffee thank you. JULIE: Thank you sir. (She exits.)

JIM: Is everything OK darling? You seem a little distracted.

MADDY: Yes. Yes, I'm fine. How very odd. Yes, er, profiteroles will be fine.

JIM: Good job I ordered them then. Are you sure you didn't want coffee?

MADDY: Coffee?

JIM: I asked you if you wanted coffee.

MADDY: Did you?

JIM: Yes.

MADDY: Did I?

JIM: No.

MADDY: Right. OK. Jim. Did you just do the All Blacks Haka just now?

JIM: Um. Possibly. I came over a bit funny to be honest. I think I got away with it though. I covered myself quite cleverly.

MADDY: Fine. So long as no one noticed. So, how's your tongue now?

JIM: Strange it feels like it is getting tighter.

MADDY: Your tongue is getting tighter?

JIM: Yes.

MADDY: Well it makes sense I suppose.

JIM: About dancing. I don't think I'm up to it to be honest. I think I'd prefer an early night.

MADDY: Go home you mean?

JIM: Yes. Well, you didn't want to go dancing, did you?

MADDY: No, but I'd like to go somewhere, er, public.

JIM: Public?

MADDY: I mean, I don't think I want to go home just yet, You're right. It's our anniversary. Let's make a night of it. Perhaps we could have cocktails or something. JULIE serves MADDY's dessert and JIM's coffee then exits.

JIM: Well. I suppose we could go through to the lounge. I've never known you have cocktails.

MADDY: It is our anniversary.

JIM: Well OK. If the lady wants cocktails, then she shall have cocktails.

MADDY: Thank you.

JIM: And you can have some too. (MADDY laughs.) That's better, nice to see you appreciating my humour.

MADDY: I'm glad that it is ending like this.

JIM: What?

MADDY: On good terms I mean.

JIM: What is ending?

MADDY: The evening of course.

JIM: Oh. The evening. Of course. I wondered what you meant. 'Ending'. It sounded so final. How's the profiteroles?

MADDY: Fine. How's the coffee.

JIM: It's good. I hope it doesn't keep me awake.

MADDY: Oh, I don't think it will do that.

JIM: It's not been a bad marriage has it? We've had our ups and downs, but who doesn't. I don't regret anything. Do you darling?

MADDY: Not a thing.

JIM: It makes me so happy to hear that.

MADDY: Good. I'm glad that you're happy.

JIM: Oh, Waitress!

JULIE appears

JULIE: Yes Sir?

JIM: We're going to have cocktails in the lounge. Do you think you could transfer our bill through to there and we'll pay all together. JULIE: Certainly Sir. Was everything all right with your meal?

JIM: Yes, very nice thank you. JULIE: Thank you Sir, Madam.

JULIE exits

JIM: Are you finished.

MADDY: Yes. Thank you.

JIM: Shall we go through to the lounge then?

MADDY: You go. I'll be there in a moment.

Both stand. JIM exits and MADDY returns to behind her desk.

MADDY: Now, I'm sure you are all itching to know what it was that I injected into Jim's meat whilst he was in the loo.

JIM: (Off) What!

MADDY: Well, it was botox. Yes, the stuff that you can get pumped into your face to get your wrinkles to disappear. Except I was using it to make my husband disappear. It is highly poisonous and, if swallowed, can cause botulism.

JIM is heard violently retching off stage.

MADDY: Getting hold of it is relatively simple. Just book yourself in for a facial and find a way to distract the staff whilst you slip a few vials into your handbag. More retching.

MADDY: Botulism is, of course, food poisoning, so you have to make sure that you eat out so that the blame falls on the restaurant. I feel a bit bad about that, they'll probably get closed down, but it is not like I was ever going to go there again, was it?

JIM: (Off) Call an ambulance.

MADDY: (Shouting) Oh, stop fussing Jim. It was only a small amount. You'd need gallons to kill you but the suckers buying this don't know that do they. KERRY rushes from JIM's side of the stage to the other, scowling at MADDY as she passes.

JIM: (Off) Are you sure?

MADDY: Of course. You don't think I'd really kill you do you? Not while we're filming anyway.

KERRY rushes back with a mop and bucket muttering something along the lines of 'evil bitch' under her breath. JIM enters wiping his mouth with a small towel. As they pass each other they exchange a glance. A sympathetic look from KERRY; a grateful smile from JIM.

JIM: Couldn't you have just injected it with water? Or gravy?

MADDY: We have to go for realism Jim. The scenes have to be believable.

JIM: Why? If we had a scene where you shoot me would you put real bullets in the gun? (Silence) I wish I hadn't asked. (He exits.)

MADDY: So there we are: "Food Poisoning". Very effective if done correctly but it does depend on your getting hold of the right poison. It's no good just feeding your husband weed killer or rat poison, any good doctor will spot them a mile off. But, on the other hand, if you are on good terms with a doctor, well, anything will do. And that leads us nicely into the next demonstration: "Bribing the doctor!"

Scene Four

JIM appears looking extremely unhappy. He is carrying a sign that reads 'Natural Causes'. He slams this on to the table and exits

JOHN, JULIE and KERRY recreate the living room scene with the sofa centre. Finally they remove the table and sign.

When ready, MADDY appears dressed in a sexy dressing gown. She has a magazine and sits on the sofa to read this for a few moments until the doorbell rings.

She exits to answer and returns with JOHN who is carrying a doctor's bag.

MADDY: I'm so grateful to you for coming Dr Bingham.

[end of extract]

[end of extract]

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