Stick 'Em Up! (or The Wrong Cowboy) by Glenn Beatty
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This Play is the copyright of the Author and must not be Performed or Copied without the Author's prior consent Characters*
(In order of appearance)
Miss Kitty: She is a tough businesswoman with a heart of gold. She's
been through a lot and weathered it well: sexy, holds no punches, has
no fear. She loves the Sheriff.
Tombstone Tom/Salamander S. Smith: He is your basic nasty bad guy;
smart, tough, loves to beat people up, gun them down and laugh about
it.
Big Slim Liveright: Dudley Do-right reincarnated; strong, sure of
himself, decisive, occasionally shy or awkward. He shoots only in
self-defense or to protect others, like a good guy should.
The Sheriff: Centered. Doesn't get riled much, except by his deputy's
ineptitude. Loves Kitty, but won't marry her as long as he's a
lawman.
Blabby Bingo: A Don Knotts type loveable incompetent. A kind guy who
always does the wrong thing. Not likely to succeed as Sheriff.
Plain Jane: A tomboyish plain Jane who's in love with Blabby. A smart,
sensitive woman who's so in love with Blabby that she can't quite
figure out how to land him.
Mandy May: the Sheriff's daughter and a homespun lass, intelligent,
gutsy and not afraid to protect the man she loves. Makes pies with
files in them.
* Music &Song lyrics by Glenn Beatty and others as noted
Time: Back then.
Place: out west in Texas…
Set: Minimal and flexible. I suggest a simple painted backdrop(s) and
necessary furniture. The Jail/Jail Cell need to be functional. As with
all my work, the set should facilitate the play moving like the wind.
Costumes: Have fun and go as far as you like…but as above,
suggestions rather than full-blown costumes will work fine.
Props: Toy hand Guns for Slim, the Sheriff, Blabby(2)Tombstone Tom.
Breakfast on a tray for Big Slim, a prop pie (never eaten) with a file
in it. A guitar for Big Slim, bonds for the safe (safe is never seen),
keys for the jail cell on a ring.
General Note: Play the play straight and it works great ... and you
will have full houses. Comment on it, make fun of it and you are
doomed. It must be played purely, very realistically, with
full-heart-ed actors who believe every word they say. Best of luck
and most importantly, HAVE FUN! GB
Narrator
Two cowboys, so un-like in Dignity
In fair Verona, (Texas) where we lay our scene
From newborn greed, Tombstone Tom breaks to new mutiny
Where Tom frames Big Slim Big… so unclean!
From forth the fetal loins of this here town
3 pairs of star-blessed lovers sing their life
(off-stage) All sing: "Figaro, Figaro!"
whose misadventured "perilous love-picadillo's"
with their talent will bury your daily strife.
this fearless story of stealing,jail &escape willy-Nelly
(off-stage) All sing: "Nilly not Nelly!"
the fearless story of stealing, jail and escape willy-Nelly
Guarantees the continuance of your laughs of belly,
Which, but the actors skills, nought could continue,
is now the one hours traffic of our stage.
The which, if you with patient ears attend,
Shall nought not miss and yuck until the end.
The Play opens with Miss Kitty entering from the audience and ending
up on stage in her bar/club singing (possibly "Jack of Diamonds")
and being interrupted by gunfire!
Kitty (sings)
Jack of Diamonds by Daniel Moore
Jack of Diamonds
Jack of Diamonds
Take my money
You can have my life of luxury
You can have my precious silver
Plated saddle, oh, yeah
But you cannot take my soul
No, you cannot take my soul today.
We hear gunshots as Tombstone Tom enters from back of house, shooting
as he goes speaks to Kitty
tombstone tom
Stick'em Up! Gimme the cash! One wrong move and you'll be pourin'
shots for Saint Peter! (Kitty turns over money). That's all you got?
Let me see that cash box. Alright, where's the rest of it, Missy?
Don't ya go playin' no games with me or yer friends'll start comparin'
you to a sand sifter!
kitty
I don't like you callin' me, Missy, Mister. The names' Miss Kitty and
don't forget the "Miss"...Mister!
Tom
Well, Miss Gutsy Lady with a six-gun starin' up yer nose, I want more
money, NOW!
Kitty
That's it. Take it or leave it.
Tom
What about yer safe?
Kitty
Ain't nothin' in that safe but some old worthless bonds, you can
have'em.
(Noise offstage)
Tom
What's that?
kitty
Probably the Sheriff and his deputy, Blabby Bingo.
Tom
The Sheriff, huh. Time for me to be mosey-in' down the road. Listen,
you give me a ten minute start before you go whinin' 'bout this or
you'll be meetin' yer maker a lot sooner than you planned. You got
that?
Kitty
I got that. You givin' away anythin' else….Mister?
Tom
Ain't got time or I would, Missy.
Tom begins to exit through the center aisle to the back of the house,
saying "Stick'em up! To various audience members.
Kitty
Sheriff!
(As She exits)
Sheriff! Sheriff! Sheriff! Sheriff! Sheriff! Sheriff!
Enter Big Slim Dressed exactly as Tombstone Tom
slim
Stick'em up! I said, Stick'em up!
(in unison SLIM &TOM do take out front)
slim &tom
I wonder if he's got the same tailor.
slim
Stick'em up, I said!
tom
Look out!
(They fight, SLIM is knocked out)
tom
Ain't nobody ever defeated Tombstone Tom! (Villain laugh) Too bad that
Sheriff had to show up before I got into that safe. The takin' of the
cash was just a sham. Those bonds is worth….wait, wait, I got me an
idear. Be a nice piece of deviltry to blame my robbery on this piece
of…by the look of him… "angeltry"! Yeah….(villain laugh)
Hope you hang, dude!
(Aside - Ain't I just the villainist villain, you ever had the
privilege of casting your eyes on? No, don't answer, I embarrass
easy)
Now, the next thing to do is to transform myself into…Salamander S.
Smith, the new bank president of this here little city. Mr. Smith and
myself chanced to meet on the road and I convinced him he needed a
rest, so I bought him a new wooden bed, with a lid on it! (villain
laugh) He was so happy, he gave me his new suit. Yup, ought to work
out fined. I have my fun in this town. I hear tell the Sheriff's got a
sweet little daughter, too. Yup, I'll have my fun; ye-siree!!!
(Villain laugh on exit through house)
Enter SHERIFF, BLABBY AND KITTY
SHERIFF
Alright, Kitty, times a wastin', tell me; which a way did he go?
Blabby
Yeah, which a way did he go?
SHERIFF
Quiet, Blabby! Let Kitty talk; times a' wastin'
Blabby
Sorry, Sheriff. Which a way did he go?
SHERIFF
Blabby!
Blabby
But I like sayin' it.
Sheriff
Then say it!
Blabby
Thanks, Sheriff! Which a way did he go?
Kitty
He went that a way!
Blabby
Which a way?
Kitty
That a way!
Blabby
Oh, that a way.
SHERIFF
Blabby, Blabby-boy; we know he went that a way. Now, what do you
suggest?
Blabby
what duh yuh mean, Sheriff?
sheriff
Don't cha think we ought to go, that a way?
Blabby
Yes, Sir, that's a good idear, it sure is, it sure is…
SHERIFF
Yes, Blabby, that's why I'm the Sheriff and your the dum…your not!
Now, get movin', you no account, good fer nuthin'...
Blabby
(to audience)
Stick'em up! Stick'em up! Stick'em up!
Slim
Oh, my achin' head.
Blabby
(To SLIM)
Stick'em up!
Slim
Don't anybody around here know any other words but but Stick'em up?
Blabby
Not so fast, you mangy-mite a' mule manure! Hold it right there.
Thought you were gonna break the law in my town, eh? You worthless
pile a' cow poopie you shiftless slice of…
sheriff
Cut the blab, Blabby! Insults is a waste a breath. Get his gun before
he uses it on you! Very convenient you stoppin' right in front of the
Jail, Mister. Lock'em up, Blabby.
Slim
Hold on a minute, Sheriff, ya got the wrong cowboy. I fought with the
coyote you're looking for and the varmint gave me a lump the size of a
corn porn and…
blabby &sheriff
Aside - Whats' a corn pone?
Slim
Then he lit out. He was dressed exactly like me.
(aside)
Sort of hurt my pride. Now my name is Big Slim Liveright and I'm here
to….
sheriff
Liveright? Well, sonny, you ain't livin' right if your out robbin'
bars and getting' bonked on the noggin and havin' DE-lusions about
some guy walkin' round in yer clothes. Liveright! Boy, you ain't
thinkin' right. Lock'em up, Blabby.
Sheriff
Then how come you got the stolen money on you? You'll get yer chance
at the trial.
Slim
But Sheriff…
sheriff
Kid, I'll check out yer story. Rest easy. We ain't never hung an
innocent man in this town yet, did we Blabby?
Blabby
Well, there was that one time. But it wasn't my fault. How was I
ta'know Greasy Gertie was goin' to break down and confess the day
after the hangin'.
Slim
Sheriff, I'm beginin' ta get nervous.
Sheriff
Don't worry. Try and sleep. My daughter Mandy May will be bringin'
breakfast.
Blabby
Mandy May…
Sheriff
That'll cheer you up. But don't you be getting' any funny ideas!
Blabby, I'm goin' over to Kitty's to get some more details about our
friends imaginary twin. Be back.
Blabby
Go on ahead, Sheriff. Everything's a hunky-dory here.
Sheriff
(aside)
What's a Hunky-dory?
Sheriff
I'm a goin…but Blabby….
blabby
Yes, Sheriff?
Sheriff
Don't talk him to death before he gets to trial, OK?
Blabby
Sheriff, me? How could ya think?
Sheriff
Your name ain't Silent-Shiba, it's Blabby, Blabby.
Blabby
Sheriff, somebody accusin' me of talkin' outta turn? I am insulted! I
don't know this Silent-Shiba person but I…
Sheriff
Blabby, blutton bup, button blup, crip, blip, I mean Zip it!
Ya make me want to sing a song and I got a lousy voice….now, silence
while I exit, you got that!
(Blabby starts to open his mouth)
One more word and I have you and the prisoner trade places.
(exit SHERIFF)
blabby
Now, listen up, ya weasel-waisted wimp, its' time you learned the
house rules at this here "hotel". We call it, "The Stone".
Slim
Don't you mean "the Rock".
Blabby
Rock, Stone, it's all the same senseless thing.
(stops and smells)
You smell somethin'?
Slim
Sure do and it ain't prairie oysters neither.
(Plain Jane enters with muffins)
Jane
Mornin', Elmer! Bought you some of yer favorite muffins.
Blue-berry!
Slim
Blue-berry…Elmer! Elmer, indeed!
Blabby
Quiet, pine-needle nose! Plain Jane, I told you a trillion times
never to call me Elmer, ya know it makes my saddle sores itch! Golburn
it, woman…
Jane
Now, Blabby, see, I called you by that name I hate. Blabby, be nice. I
made you some nice muffins and you ain't gonna be polite-like with me,
yer gonna wear'em!
Blabby
Now, Plain, leave me be. Can't you see I'm interrogatin' a prisoner?
Jane
Oh,shur, the "Wrong Cowboy Story". It's all over town. Hey,
Mister, that's a good one. You'll hang anyway. First one caught is the
one that did it in this town. Have a muffin, it'll make ya feel
better.
Blabby
Plain Jane, you get yer carcass outta here before I…
Slim &Jane
(aside)
What's a carcass?
Jane
Before you what? Hey, Mister, wanna hear the latest gossip, since some
people ain't interested. They got a new Bank President in town. Just
got in. Stayin' over at Miss Kitty's place, the Chester Arms. Snakey
cuss but a cute dresser. Blabby, you ought to dress better, ya know.
Blabby
And you ought to disappear better, ya know.
Jane
Alright, alright, I'm a goin'. (pause) Blabby, honey, there's a
full-moon out tonight…so later, maybe, you'll, you'll… meet me by
our special tree?
Blabby
Plain Jane, we ain't never had no special tree. We ain't never had no
special toothpick and we ain't like to have. And don't you be playin'
piani over to Miss Kitty's neither. Now, Skedaddle! Go on, go on! That
Preacher daddy a yers finds you here and he'll beat the bottom off yer
dress, if ya know what I mean!
Jane
I know very well what you mean and your cruel, Blabby Bingo, cruel,
cruel, cruel.
(aside)
If he wasn't so moonstruck for the Sheriff's daughter, I wouldn't have
to work so hard.
Blabby
Now, Plain…
Jane
Don't Plain me. I'm tellin' ya, Daddy likes you…a lot.
But I don't, not no more and I never will. I hate you, Blabby Bingo!
Goodbye!
(JANE - FALSE EXIT)
Blabby
And good riddance!
Jane
(JANE re-enters)
See you in the moonlight….ELMER!!!
(JANE exits)
Blabby
Golburn it woman, I'll…
(but she is gone)
One of these days, I'm a gonna….
slim
One a these days that woman is gonna marry you, I'll bet.
Blabby
Close yer face, you sorry excuse for a Buffalo Chip. It's lights out
for you at "The Stone"
slim
"The Rock"
Blabby
It's my jail and I call it what I want! Anyway, its' lights out for
you…
slim
It's almost mornin'...
Blabby
I decide on the time here, Bippie-Breath!
Slim
(aside)
What's Bippie-breath?
Blabby
And if I hear any more grunts outta that "live-a-right" speech
mechanism a yours, you'll have matchin' corn pone lumps on your
koo-koo noggin savvy?
Slim
Yes, Sir. I savvy.
Blabby
Good-night, then.
(curls up in desk chair to sleep)
slim
Goodnight….ELMER.
Blabby
Ohhh! Goodnight!
(turns out light, there is a pause and we blackout/crossfade to
morning light. Enter Mandy May with breakfast and places it on desk.
Blabby sleeps)
slim
(sees MANDY MAY)
Golly!
Mandy may
Oh!
(turns to go)
slim
Please! Don't go!. May I know your name, please Miss?
(aside)
I hope its' Miss)
Mandy
(aside)
I hope its' Miss, too. What a hottie!
(recovering…to SLIM)
Mandy May.
Slim
My name is Big Slim Liveright and I'm here to…
Mandy
I'm not supposed to talk to you! I mean, I'm not supposed to talk
to…prisoners….but especially you, Daddy said so. I'm here to get
your breakfast. So…here it is.
Slim
You're the Sheriff's daughter?
Mandy
Yes, but why do you say it like that?
Slim
Pardon me, Ma'am, but you're not what my minds' eye had in mind when
it was thinkin' bout a Sheriff's daughter.
Mandy
Well, you're sure not what I had in my minds' when I was thinkin' bout
a bar robber, neither.
Slim
(aside)
Gad, she's purty.
mandy
(aside)
Gad, he's purty.
Mandy and slim
(aside)
Makes me feel like singin'!
(Song # 1 "Purty" by Carol Hope. See end of script for sheet
music)
"PURTY"
slim
Things ain't always what they seem.
Beauty only is skin deep.
Mandy
Tell me this is not a dream
If I'm dreaming let me sleep.
Chorus
He's so Purty (She's so Purty)
He's so Purty (She's so Purty)
Tell me please that what I see
Is what it appears to be.
Slim
Her lips are red and her eyes are blue
I'll be happy you can bet
If what they say is really true
That what you see is what you get.
(no chorus after second verse)
Mandy
Someone who's as sweet as he,
All my life I've waited for.
Just my luck that he should be
Locked behind an iron door.
(repeat chorus)
Slim
Ma'am, I didn't rob no bar but nobody in this town will believe me.
I'm sure you've heard my story, do you believe me?
Mandy
It ain't my place to believe or disbelieve. Everybody ever been in
this Jail thought they were innocent.
(aside)
But somebody this purty couldn't be guilty!
Slim
Ma'am, it's exactly as I said it was.
(aside)
Oh, my goodness, I'm fallin' in love.
Ma'am, I'd never rob nobody for nothin'. I was raised to live right
- like my name. I been out prospectin' and and if somebody would let
me outta here I'd prove my innocence and file my claim. And its' a big
one. I'd be a rich man if
I wasn't in Jail. Please, Ma'am, I know it sounds crazy but I know I
only know'd ya for 5 minutes but I love you and want you to be my
wife.
Mandy
Wait, wait, Oh, wait, it's all happening so fast….
(aside)
It's like a fairy tale.
(to SLIM)
Mr. Liveright…
SLIM
Call me, Slim, please… Mandy May.
Mandy
MISTER Liveright, MISTER Slim….Mister…Sir! You…you may have been
raised to live right but you shur weren't raised to have right
manners. You can't go around proposing from a prison cell to a gal you
just met when she don't know if your a robber or a killer and be
askin' her to help you escape at the same time.
(aside)
Oh, I'm so confused, I could just choke!
(to SLIM)
The funny thing is, well, it's all of it kinda funny but, well, I
don't know.
SLIM
Mandy May, listen, you don't have to help me escape. I'll marry you
right here, right now.
Mandy
And make me a widow before the week is out? Oh, no, Mister, your plum
crazy!
(aside)
But I think I love this squirlley gent!
(BLABBY speaks as he wakes up from his nightmare)
blabby
Plain Jane, get yer muffins outta here! Plain, what are you doin'
here? Oh, Mandy May! Oh, boy, its' you Mandy May. How is the prettiest
girl in this whole wide world? No, don't answer, I know, you're
gettin' prettier every day.
Mandy
Why, Blabby Bingo, that tongue of yours keeps growing and growing;
pretty soon you'll have to carry it around in a wheelbarrow! You're
sweet though, thank you for the compliment. Well, I got to get back to
the house, its' bakin' day. Well, goodbye, Blabby. Bye, Mister.
SLIM
Thanks for the breakfast, Ma'am Will you be bringin' lunch?
Mandy
Well, I might and I might not. Bye, now.
(Exit Mandy and Enter Sheriff)
SHERRIF
Mornin', Blabby. Mornin', Mister.
Blabby
Mornin', Sheriff. Well, I…
Sherrif
Blabby talk yer head off all night, Sonny?
SLIM
No, Sherrif, I just took off my socks and put'em in my ears. I didn't
sleep much but then I didn't hear nuthin' either.
(Enter SALAMANDER S. SMITH)
SMITH
(to SHERIFF)
You the Sheriff?
SHERIFF
I ain't never had no other name. I must be him.
[end of extract]
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