Stick ‘Em Up! (or The Wrong Cowboy) by Glenn Beatty

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This Play is the copyright of the Author and must not be Performed or Copied without the Author’s prior consent


    Characters*
      (In order of appearance)

      Miss Kitty: She is a tough businesswoman with a heart of gold. She’s
      been through a lot and weathered it well: sexy, holds no punches, has
      no fear. She loves the Sheriff.

      Tombstone Tom/Salamander S. Smith: He is your basic nasty bad guy;
      smart, tough, loves to beat people up, gun them down and laugh about
      it.

      Big Slim Liveright: Dudley Do-right reincarnated; strong, sure of
      himself, decisive, occasionally shy or awkward. He shoots only in
      self-defense or to protect others, like a good guy should.

      The Sheriff:  Centered. Doesn’t get riled much, except by his deputy’s
      ineptitude. Loves Kitty, but won’t marry her as long as he’s a
      lawman.

      Blabby Bingo: A Don Knotts type loveable incompetent. A kind guy who
      always does the wrong thing. Not likely to succeed as Sheriff.

      Plain Jane: A tomboyish plain Jane who’s in love with Blabby. A smart,
      sensitive woman who’s so in love with Blabby that she can’t quite
      figure out how to land him.

      Mandy May: the Sheriff’s daughter and a homespun lass, intelligent,
      gutsy and not afraid to protect the man she loves.  Makes pies with
      files in them.

      * Music & Song lyrics by Glenn Beatty and others as noted

      Time: Back then.

      Place:  out west in Texas…

      Set: Minimal and flexible. I suggest a simple painted backdrop(s) and
      necessary furniture. The Jail/Jail Cell need to be functional. As with
      all my work, the set should facilitate the play moving like the wind.

      Costumes: Have fun and go as far as you like…but as above,
      suggestions rather than full-blown costumes will work fine.

      Props: Toy hand Guns for Slim, the Sheriff, Blabby(2)Tombstone Tom.
      Breakfast on a tray for Big Slim, a prop pie (never eaten) with a file
      in it. A guitar for Big Slim, bonds for the safe (safe is never seen),
      keys for the jail cell on a ring.

      General Note:  Play the play straight and it works great ... and you
      will have full houses. Comment on it, make fun of it and you are
      doomed. It must be played purely, very realistically, with
      full-heart-ed actors who believe every word they say.  Best of luck
      and most importantly, HAVE FUN!  GB

      Narrator

      Two cowboys, so un-like in Dignity
      In fair Verona, (Texas) where we lay our scene
      From newborn greed, Tombstone Tom breaks to new mutiny
      Where Tom frames Big Slim Big… so unclean!
      From forth the fetal loins of this here town
      3 pairs of star-blessed lovers sing their life
      (off-stage) All sing: “Figaro, Figaro!”
      whose misadventured “perilous love-picadillo’s”
      with their talent will bury your daily strife.
      this fearless story of stealing,jail & escape willy-Nelly
      (off-stage) All sing: “Nilly not Nelly!”
      the fearless story of stealing, jail and escape willy-Nelly
      Guarantees the continuance of your laughs of belly,
      Which, but the actors skills, nought could continue,
      is now the one hours traffic of our stage.
      The which, if you with patient ears attend,
      Shall nought not miss and yuck until the end.

      The Play opens with Miss Kitty entering from the audience and ending
      up on stage in her bar/club singing (possibly “Jack of Diamonds”)
      and being interrupted by gunfire!

      Kitty (sings)
      Jack of Diamonds by Daniel Moore
      Jack of Diamonds
      Jack of Diamonds
      Take my money
      You can have my life of luxury
      You can have my precious silver
      Plated saddle, oh, yeah
      But you cannot take my soul
      No, you cannot take my soul today.

      We hear gunshots as Tombstone Tom enters from back of house, shooting
      as he goes – speaks to Kitty

      tombstone tom
      Stick’em Up! Gimme the cash! One wrong move and you’ll be pourin’
      shots for Saint Peter! (Kitty turns over money). That’s all you got?
      Let me see that cash box. Alright, where’s the rest of it, Missy?
      Don’t ya go playin’ no games with me or yer friends’ll start comparin’
      you to a sand sifter!
      kitty
      I don’t like you callin’ me, Missy, Mister. The names’ Miss Kitty and
      don’t forget the “Miss”...Mister!
      Tom
      Well, Miss Gutsy Lady with a six-gun starin’ up yer nose, I want more
      money, NOW!
      Kitty
      That’s it. Take it or leave it.

      Tom
      What about yer safe?
      Kitty
      Ain’t nothin’ in that safe but some old worthless bonds, you can
      have’em.
      (Noise offstage)
      Tom
      What’s that?
      kitty
      Probably the Sheriff and his deputy, Blabby Bingo.
      Tom
      The Sheriff, huh. Time for me to be mosey-in’ down the road. Listen,
      you give me a ten minute start before you go whinin’ ‘bout this or
      you’ll be meetin’ yer maker a lot sooner than you planned. You got
      that?
      Kitty
      I got that. You givin’ away anythin’ else….Mister?
      Tom
      Ain’t got time or I would, Missy.

      Tom begins to exit through the center aisle to the back of the house,
      saying “Stick’em up! To various audience members.


      Kitty
      Sheriff!
      (As She exits)
      Sheriff! Sheriff! Sheriff! Sheriff! Sheriff! Sheriff!

      Enter Big Slim – Dressed exactly as Tombstone Tom

      slim
      Stick’em up!  I said, Stick’em up!

      (in unison SLIM & TOM do take out front)

      slim & tom
      I wonder if he’s got the same tailor.

      slim
      Stick’em up, I said!

      tom
      Look out!

      (They fight, SLIM is knocked out)

      tom
      Ain’t nobody ever defeated Tombstone Tom! (Villain laugh) Too bad that
      Sheriff had to show up before I got into that safe. The takin’ of the
      cash was just a sham. Those bonds is worth….wait, wait, I got me an
      idear. Be a nice piece of deviltry to blame my robbery on this piece
      of…by the look of him… “angeltry”! Yeah….(villain laugh)
      Hope you hang, dude!

      (Aside - Ain’t I just the villainist villain, you ever had the
      privilege of casting your eyes on? No, don’t answer, I embarrass
      easy)

      Now, the next thing to do is to transform myself into…Salamander S.
      Smith, the new bank president of this here little city.  Mr. Smith and
      myself chanced to meet on the road and I convinced him he needed a
      rest, so I bought him a new wooden bed, with a lid on it! (villain
      laugh) He was so happy, he gave me his new suit. Yup, ought to work
      out fined. I have my fun in this town. I hear tell the Sheriff’s got a
      sweet little daughter, too. Yup, I’ll have my fun; ye-siree!!!
      (Villain laugh on exit through house)


      Enter SHERIFF, BLABBY AND KITTY

      SHERIFF

      Alright, Kitty, times a wastin’, tell me; which a way did he go?

      Blabby
      Yeah, which a way did he go?
      SHERIFF
      Quiet, Blabby! Let Kitty talk; times a’ wastin’
      Blabby
      Sorry, Sheriff. Which a way did he go?
      SHERIFF
      Blabby!
      Blabby
      But I like sayin’ it.
      Sheriff
      Then say it!
      Blabby
      Thanks, Sheriff! Which a way did he go?

      Kitty
      He went that a way!
      Blabby
      Which a way?
      Kitty
      That a way!
      Blabby
      Oh, that a way.
      SHERIFF
      Blabby, Blabby-boy; we know he went that a way. Now, what do you
      suggest?
      Blabby
      what duh yuh mean, Sheriff?
      sheriff
      Don’t cha think we ought to go, that a way?
      Blabby
      Yes, Sir, that’s a good idear, it sure is, it sure is…
      SHERIFF
      Yes, Blabby, that’s why I’m the Sheriff and your the dum…your not!
      Now, get movin’, you no account, good fer nuthin’...
      Blabby
      (to audience)
      Stick’em up!  Stick’em up! Stick’em up!
      Slim
      Oh, my achin’ head.
      Blabby
      (To SLIM)
      Stick’em up!
      Slim
      Don’t anybody around here know any other words but but Stick’em up?


      Blabby
      Not so fast, you mangy-mite a’ mule manure! Hold it right there.
      Thought you were gonna break the law in my town, eh? You worthless
      pile a’ cow poopie – you shiftless slice of…
      sheriff
      Cut the blab, Blabby! Insults is a waste a breath. Get his gun before
      he uses it on you! Very convenient you stoppin’ right in front of the
      Jail, Mister. Lock’em up, Blabby.
      Slim
      Hold on a minute, Sheriff, ya got the wrong cowboy. I fought with the
      coyote you’re looking for and the varmint gave me a lump the size of a
      corn porn and…

      blabby & sheriff
      Aside - Whats’ a corn pone?

      Slim
      Then he lit out.  He was dressed exactly like me.
      (aside)
      Sort of hurt my pride.  Now my name is Big Slim Liveright and I’m here
      to….

      sheriff
      Liveright? Well, sonny, you ain’t livin’ right if your out robbin’
      bars and getting’ bonked on the noggin and havin’ DE-lusions about
      some guy walkin’ round in yer clothes. Liveright! Boy, you ain’t
      thinkin’ right. Lock’em up, Blabby.
      Sheriff
      Then how come you got the stolen money on you? You’ll get yer chance
      at the trial.
      Slim
      But Sheriff…
      sheriff
      Kid, I’ll check out yer story. Rest easy. We ain’t never hung an
      innocent man in this town yet, did we Blabby?

      Blabby
      Well, there was that one time. But it wasn’t my fault. How was I
      ta’know Greasy Gertie was goin’ to break down and confess the day
      after the hangin’.
      Slim
      Sheriff, I’m beginin’ ta get nervous.
      Sheriff
      Don’t worry. Try and sleep. My daughter Mandy May will be bringin’
      breakfast.
      Blabby
      Mandy May…
      Sheriff
      That’ll cheer you up. But don’t you be getting’ any funny ideas!
      Blabby, I’m goin’ over to Kitty’s to get some more details about our
      friends imaginary twin. Be back.
      Blabby
      Go on ahead, Sheriff. Everything’s a hunky-dory here.
      Sheriff
      (aside)
      What’s a Hunky-dory?
      Sheriff
      I’m a goin…but Blabby….
      blabby
      Yes, Sheriff?
      Sheriff
      Don’t talk him to death before he gets to trial, OK?
      Blabby
      Sheriff, me? How could ya think?
      Sheriff
      Your name ain’t Silent-Shiba, it’s Blabby, Blabby.
      Blabby
      Sheriff, somebody accusin’ me of talkin’ outta turn? I am insulted! I
      don’t know this Silent-Shiba person but I…
      Sheriff
      Blabby, blutton bup, button blup, crip, blip, I mean Zip it!
      Ya make me want to sing a song and I got a lousy voice….now, silence
      while I exit, you got that!
      (Blabby starts to open his mouth)
      One more word and I have you and the prisoner trade places.

      (exit SHERIFF)
      blabby
      Now, listen up, ya weasel-waisted wimp, its’ time you learned the
      house rules at this here “hotel”. We call it, “The Stone”.
      Slim
      Don’t you mean “the Rock”.
      Blabby
      Rock, Stone, it’s all the same senseless thing.
      (stops and smells)
      You smell somethin’?
      Slim
      Sure do and it ain’t prairie oysters neither.
      (Plain Jane enters with muffins)
      Jane
      Mornin’, Elmer!  Bought you some of yer favorite muffins.
      Blue-berry!
      Slim
      Blue-berry…Elmer! Elmer, indeed!
      Blabby
      Quiet, pine-needle nose!  Plain Jane, I told you a trillion times
      never to call me Elmer, ya know it makes my saddle sores itch! Golburn
      it, woman…
      Jane
      Now, Blabby, see, I called you by that name I hate. Blabby, be nice. I
      made you some nice muffins and you ain’t gonna be polite-like with me,
      yer gonna wear’em!

      Blabby
      Now, Plain, leave me be. Can’t you see I’m interrogatin’ a prisoner?
      Jane
      Oh,shur, the “Wrong Cowboy Story”. It’s all over town. Hey,
      Mister, that’s a good one. You’ll hang anyway. First one caught is the
      one that did it in this town. Have a muffin, it’ll make ya feel
      better.
      Blabby
      Plain Jane, you get yer carcass outta here before I…

      Slim & Jane
      (aside)
      What’s a carcass?
      Jane
      Before you what? Hey, Mister, wanna hear the latest gossip, since some
      people ain’t interested. They got a new Bank President in town. Just
      got in.  Stayin’ over at Miss Kitty’s place, the Chester Arms. Snakey
      cuss but a cute dresser. Blabby, you ought to dress better, ya know.
      Blabby
      And you ought to disappear better, ya know.
      Jane
      Alright, alright, I’m a goin’. (pause) Blabby, honey, there’s a
      full-moon out tonight…so later, maybe, you’ll, you’ll… meet me by
      our special tree?
      Blabby
      Plain Jane, we ain’t never had no special tree. We ain’t never had no
      special toothpick and we ain’t like to have. And don’t you be playin’
      piani over to Miss Kitty’s neither. Now, Skedaddle! Go on, go on! That
      Preacher daddy a yers finds you here and he’ll beat the bottom off yer
      dress, if ya know what I mean!
      Jane
      I know very well what you mean and your cruel, Blabby Bingo, cruel,
      cruel, cruel.
      (aside)
      If he wasn’t so moonstruck for the Sheriff’s daughter, I wouldn’t have
      to work so hard.
      Blabby
      Now, Plain…
      Jane
      Don’t Plain me. I’m tellin’ ya, Daddy likes you…a lot.
      But I don’t, not no more and I never will. I hate you, Blabby Bingo!
      Goodbye!
      (JANE - FALSE EXIT)
      Blabby
      And good riddance!
      Jane
      (JANE re-enters)
      See you in the moonlight….ELMER!!!
      (JANE exits)
      Blabby
      Golburn it woman, I’ll…
      (but she is gone)
      One of these days, I’m a gonna….
      slim
      One a these days that woman is gonna marry you, I’ll bet.
      Blabby
      Close yer face, you sorry excuse for a Buffalo Chip.  It’s lights out
      for you at “The Stone”
      slim
      “The Rock”
      Blabby
      It’s my jail and I call it what I want! Anyway, its’ lights out for
      you…
      slim
      It’s almost mornin’...
      Blabby
      I decide on the time here, Bippie-Breath!
      Slim
      (aside)
      What’s Bippie-breath?
      Blabby
      And if I hear any more grunts outta that “live-a-right” speech
      mechanism a yours, you’ll have matchin’ corn pone lumps on your
      koo-koo noggin – savvy?
      Slim
      Yes, Sir. I savvy.
      Blabby
      Good-night, then.
      (curls up in desk chair to sleep)
      slim
      Goodnight….ELMER.
      Blabby
      Ohhh! Goodnight!
      (turns out light, there is a pause and we blackout/crossfade to
      morning light. Enter Mandy May with breakfast and places it on desk.
      Blabby sleeps)

      slim
      (sees MANDY MAY)
      Golly!
      Mandy may
      Oh!
      (turns to go)
      slim
      Please! Don’t go!.  May I know your name, please Miss?
      (aside)
      I hope its’ Miss)
      Mandy
      (aside)
      I hope its’ Miss, too. What a hottie!
      (recovering…to SLIM)
      Mandy May.
      Slim
      My name is Big Slim Liveright and I’m here to…
      Mandy
      I’m not supposed to talk to you! I mean, I’m not supposed to talk
      to…prisoners….but especially you, Daddy said so. I’m here to get
      your breakfast. So…here it is.
      Slim
      You’re the Sheriff’s daughter?
      Mandy
      Yes, but why do you say it like that?
      Slim
      Pardon me, Ma’am, but you’re not what my minds’ eye had in mind when
      it was thinkin’ bout a Sheriff’s daughter.
      Mandy
      Well, you’re sure not what I had in my minds’ when I was thinkin’ bout
      a bar robber, neither.
      Slim
      (aside)
      Gad, she’s purty.
      mandy
      (aside)
      Gad, he’s purty.
      Mandy and slim
      (aside)
      Makes me feel like singin’!

      (Song # 1 “Purty” by Carol Hope. See end of script for sheet
      music)

      “PURTY”

      slim
      Things ain’t always what they seem.
      Beauty only is skin deep.

      Mandy
      Tell me this is not a dream
      If I’m dreaming let me sleep.

      Chorus
      He’s so Purty (She’s so Purty)
      He’s so Purty (She’s so Purty)
      Tell me please that what I see
      Is what it appears to be.

      Slim
      Her lips are red and her eyes are blue
      I’ll be happy you can bet
      If what they say is really true
      That what you see is what you get.

      (no chorus after second verse)

      Mandy
      Someone who’s as sweet as he,
      All my life I’ve waited for.
      Just my luck that he should be
      Locked behind an iron door.

      (repeat chorus)

      Slim
      Ma’am, I didn’t rob no bar but nobody in this town will believe me.
      I’m sure you’ve heard my story, do you believe me?
      Mandy
      It ain’t my place to believe or disbelieve. Everybody ever been in
      this Jail thought they were innocent.
      (aside)
      But somebody this purty couldn’t be guilty!
      Slim
      Ma’am, it’s exactly as I said it was.
      (aside)
      Oh, my goodness, I’m fallin’ in love.
      Ma’am, I’d never rob nobody for nothin’. I was raised to live right
      - like my name. I been out prospectin’ and and if somebody would let
      me outta here I’d prove my innocence and file my claim. And its’ a big
      one. I’d be a rich man if
      I wasn’t in Jail. Please, Ma’am, I know it sounds crazy but I know I
      only know’d ya for 5 minutes but I love you and want you to be my
      wife.
      Mandy
      Wait, wait, Oh, wait, it’s all happening so fast….
      (aside)
      It’s like a fairy tale.
      (to SLIM)
      Mr. Liveright…
      SLIM
      Call me, Slim, please… Mandy May.

      Mandy
      MISTER Liveright, MISTER Slim….Mister…Sir! You…you may have been
      raised to live right but you shur weren’t raised to have right
      manners. You can’t go around proposing from a prison cell to a gal you
      just met when she don’t know if your a robber or a killer and be
      askin’ her to help you escape at the same time.
      (aside)
      Oh, I’m so confused, I could just choke!
      (to SLIM)
      The funny thing is, well, it’s all of it kinda funny but, well, I
      don’t know.
      SLIM
      Mandy May, listen, you don’t have to help me escape. I’ll marry you
      right here, right now.
      Mandy
      And make me a widow before the week is out? Oh, no, Mister, your plum
      crazy!
      (aside)
      But I think I love this squirlley gent!
      (BLABBY speaks as he wakes up from his nightmare)

      blabby
      Plain Jane, get yer muffins outta here! Plain, what are you doin’
      here? Oh, Mandy May! Oh, boy, its’ you Mandy May. How is the prettiest
      girl in this whole wide world? No, don’t answer, I know, you’re
      gettin’ prettier every day.
      Mandy
      Why, Blabby Bingo, that tongue of yours keeps growing and growing;
      pretty soon you’ll have to carry it around in a wheelbarrow! You’re
      sweet though, thank you for the compliment. Well, I got to get back to
      the house, its’ bakin’ day.  Well, goodbye, Blabby. Bye, Mister.
      SLIM
      Thanks for the breakfast, Ma’am Will you be bringin’ lunch?
      Mandy
      Well, I might and I might not. Bye, now.

      (Exit Mandy and Enter Sheriff)

      SHERRIF
      Mornin’, Blabby. Mornin’, Mister.
      Blabby
      Mornin’, Sheriff. Well, I…
      Sherrif
      Blabby talk yer head off all night, Sonny?
      SLIM
      No, Sherrif, I just took off my socks and put’em in my ears. I didn’t
      sleep much but then I didn’t hear nuthin’ either.

      (Enter SALAMANDER S. SMITH)

      SMITH
      (to SHERIFF)

      You the Sheriff?
      SHERIFF
      I ain’t never had no other name. I must be him.

[end of extract]

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