Slings and Arrows by Scott Peeler
ACT ONE
DIRK descends the stairs into a combination living/dining room in a
two-story Spanish Revival home in West Hollywood
He dusts the furniture, applying polish where needed, and puts away stray items
To him, the home must always look like it is ready for an open house
He is obsessive-compulsive
DIRK: (Calling upstairs) MICHAEL MICHAEL! Are you ready?
MICHAEL (offstage): I'll be down in a minute!
DIRK: Well, God damn it, you invited the guy. Get down here and help
me!
MICHAEL: All right, all right! Keep your pants on.
DIRK begins to set the table.
DIRK: Do I have to do everything? Get your ass down here. He's your
guest!
MICHAEL descends into the living/dining room, exquisitely dressed for
the occasion.
DIRK: Jesus! Look at you!
MICHAEL: Oh, this old thing?
DIRK: You could have warned me you were going to wear that.
MICHAEL: You look great, too.
DIRK: In this? Are you serious?
MICHAEL: It's gonna be fine, honey. Relax.
DIRK: What does that mean?
MICHAEL: It means you don't have anything to worry about.
DIRK: I'm always worried when you say there's nothing to worry
about.
MICHAEL: Me? What could I possibly have planned?
DIRK: Are you kidding me?
MICHAEL: I don't know what you're talking about.
DIRK: What is he selling?
MICHAEL: It's a superhero saga.
DIRK: God. Like we need one more of those comic book movies. I'm so
damned sick of them. What is wrong with us that we need to turn to
these stories about characters who have super-powers? What does that
say about us?
MICHAEL: They sell tickets, honey, and that's all that matters in
our business.
DIRK: But Locus is an indie producer. We make films that are edgy and
original. Films that have a voice, a vision. We made "Sex, Lies, and
MPEGs," "Eternal Twilight of the Thoughtless Mind," and
"Him." Why are we making this film?
MICHAEL: It's where the money is. You have to focus on that. Stick
with that, and you'll make it in this industry.
DIRK (Sighing): I know. I appreciate all the, um, wisdom you've
given me. I've learned a lot from you, but this business is pretty
fucking weird. Does no one else besides preadolescent boys go to the
movies anymore?
MICHAEL: You'll get the hang of it before long.
DIRK: I (DIRK approaches MICHAEL) I am grateful to you, you know,
for showing me how this business works. (DIRK kisses MICHAEL.)
MICHAEL: I was lucky to meet someone who showed me the ropes when I
was younger.
DIRK: I don't think you told me about him.
MICHAEL: He took me under his wing, as they say. Taught me everything
I know. Taught me what to watch out for, when to know when you're
being taken for a ride, and what to do when that happens. He taught me
how never to get fucked by anybody.
DIRK: And have you taught me everything he taught you?
MICHAEL: Is the house ready for our guest?
DIRK: Probably not.
MICHAEL: The house? Or you?
DIRK gives MICHAEL a dirty look.
DIRK: Who is this guy? What's his name?
MICHAEL: CHRIS Lee.
DIRK: As in Stan? Stan Lee? Any relation?
MICHAEL: I don't know about that.
DIRK: What do you know about him?
MICHAEL: He's young. Twenties. He's got a script that looks
promising. Something about a guy who was bitten by a dachshund that
was exposed to radiation.
DIRK: Are you fucking kidding me? A radioactive dachshund?
MICHAEL: Yes.
DIRK: So, what? Superwiener?
MICHAEL: Something like that.
DIRK: And we're gonna market this pig?
MICHAEL: We are.
DIRK shakes his head.
MICHAEL: Honey, just finish setting the table.
DIRK: Yes, dear.
MICHAEL disappears into the kitchen. DIRK sets the table.
DIRK: (Yelling to MICHAEL) Dinner ready?
MICHAEL: (Offstage) It will be!
MICHAEL: (Enters the room and sets down the salad bowl) The table
looks beautiful.
DIRK: Uh-huh.
MICHAEL: You know I love you.
DIRK: Uh-huh.
MICHAEL: Well, looks like we're ready.
DIRK: Yeah. I guess we are.
MICHAEL: Nice job, honey.
MICHAEL looks uncertainly at DIRK. DIRK stares him down.
Silence. A long silence.
DIRK: I'm ready when you are.
MICHAEL is silent.
DIRK: What?
Time ticks by.
There is a knock at the door.
DIRK stares at MICHAEL.
MICHAEL opens the door. CHRIS is there.
MICHAEL: Chris. Welcome. Come on in. Can I get you a glass of wine?
CHRIS: Not just yet, thanks.
MICHAEL: I'll put the bottle on ice.
MICHAEL escorts CHRIS into the house. He introduces him to DIRK.
MICHAEL: This is my partner, Dirk.
CHRIS extends a hand.
CHRIS: Glad to meet you, Dirk.
DIRK: Same here.
DIRK winks at CHRIS. CHRIS pretends not to have noticed.
DIRK: (To MICHAEL) You didn't mention how handsome he was.
MICHAEL: Didn't I?
DIRK: No. You didn't.
[end of extract]