Rightyville Vs Leftyland by Tom DeMuro


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This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author’s PRIOR consent

 

      CAST:

      Leftyland Narrator
      Rightyville Narrator
      Officer Hucklebee
      Rightyville Citizens #1 – 4
      Leftyland Citizens #1 – 4

      RIGHTYVILLE TOWNSPEOPLE

      Manicurist
      Mrs. Mayberry
      Waitress
      Man
      Woman
      Mrs. Beckman
      Student #1
      Student #2
      Student #3
      Student #4

      LEFTYLAND TOWNSPEOPLE

      Driving teacher
      Melissa
      Judge
      Mr. Clark
      June Rose
      Lily Goldman
      Mrs. Goldman
      Nancy
      Jennifer
      Jimmy

      LEFTYLAND SENIOR CITIZENS

      Mrs. Lewis
      Mrs. Jones
      Mrs. Williams
      Rightyville Senior Citizens
      Mr. Marconi
      Mrs. Gordon
      Mrs. Mendocino

      Alyssa – Recreation Director at the ‘Young at Heart Senior Center’
      Lefty Larry – Mayor of Leftyland
      Righty Rick – Mayor of Rightyville

      Cast – 31f & 9m

      OR, by using multiple roles of 4 actors each for the Townspeople in
      scenes 2 and 3,that can easily be narrowed down to a total of 28. 

      In addition, 15 of the roles including both Narrators, Officer Hucklebee,
      Rightyville & Leftyland Citizens & the 4 Students offer the flexibility of using
      either male or female actors.


      SCENE ONE
      The Conflict Continues

      (SPOTLIGHT UP:  On STAGE RIGHT with the curtains closed.  LEFTYLAND
      NARRATOR is reading the Leftyland Daily News with the front page of
      the paper facing the AUDIENCE that reads “Rightyville Bans
      Lefthanded Scissors”.)

      LEFTYLAND NARRATOR:  (Looking up and noticing the AUDIENCE.  Sounding
      disgusted.)  Oh, hi!  I’m just reading today’s paper.  Look at
      this!  Can you believe it?  (Pointing to the newspaper and quoting the
      headlines in frustration.)  “Rightyville Bans Lefthanded
      Scissors”.  This, of course, follows their ban on lefthanded
      baseball gloves passed last year.  Nothing new here.  It’s the same
      old thing.  The folks on the other side of town are at it again.

      (SPOTLIGHT comes up on STAGE LEFT as the RIGHTYVILLE NARATOR enters
      with the curtains remaining closed.)

      RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR:  (Responding in disbelief.)  Excuse me?!
      We’re at it again?  Don’t you think your viewpoint is just a little one sided?

      LEFTYLAND NARRATOR:  One sided?  Really?  Maybe you need to take a
      good look in the mirror.  You’re the ones who always think they’re right.

      RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR:  Maybe you need to practice what you preach, my
      friend.

      LEFTYLAND NARRATOR:  Oh, please!  (Once again referring to the
      newspaper headlines.)  Banning all of your stores from selling
      left-handed scissors?  Really?

      RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR:  Oh, relax!  You could always pick them up on
      Amazon if you’re really desperate.  Besides, once in a while, it
      would be nice to see you show some respect towards the opinions of
      others.

      LEFTYLAND NARRATOR:  Why don’t you step over here and I’ll give
      you five opinions. (Raising her lefthanded clutched fist.)

      RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR:  (Shaking her head in disgust.)  Always looking
      for trouble, aren’t you?

      LEFTYLAND NARRATOR:  Seems like you have a short memory.  Who was the
      one who started the argument yesterday? 

      (The two NARRATORS start walking towards each other as they reach the
      point of rage.  Slowly, they raise their respective fists, grab each
      other with their free hand and are about to go at it when they
      suddenly hear some unusual, but obviously familiar, music playing in
      the background.  Simultaneously, their motion freezes and their faces
      are filled with fear as they seem to sense what’s about to happen.
      As the theme music continues, OFFICER HUCKLEBEE slowly swaggers onto
      the stage with a nightstick in her hand and makes her presence
      known.)

      OFFICER HUCKLEBEE:  (Paces back and forth as she speaks slowly, calmly
      and firmly.)  Now folks… didn’t we just go through this same exact thing yesterday? 

      BOTH NARRATORS:  (The two remain frozen, avoid eye contact with her
      and mumble their answer back to the policeman.)  Yes, Officer Hucklebee.

      OFFICER HUCKLEBEE:  (She gets visibly agitated and raises her voice.)

      I can’t hear you!

      BOTH NARRATORS:  (They respond a little bit louder.)  Yes, Officer
      Hucklebee.

      OFFICER HUCKLEBEE:  (Walks behind the two NARRATORS and slowly pushes
      their hands down, steps between them and responds in a thunderous
      voice.)  I said I can’t hear you!

      BOTH NARRATORS:  (Standing at attention as if they were soldiers and
      responding with loud crisp voices.)  Yes, Officer Hucklebee!!

      OFFICER HUCKLEBEE: (Goes back to her pacing and calmness returns to
      her voice temporarily.)  Personally, I’m getting a little sick and
      tired of having to constantly get in the middle of you two.  (Raising
      her voice and pounding her nightstick into her hand.)  I gotta tell
      ya’… it’s starting to get old.  (Showing frustration and
      pointing to the AUDIENCE.) You gotta remember, these kind people out
      there don’t even know what you’re arguing about.  (The two start
      right back in where they left off.)

      LEFTYLAND NARRATOR:  I’ll tell you what we’re arguing about!  Just
      look at these ridiculous headlines!  We’re not going to tolerate
      this anymore!

      RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR:  Ridiculous?  How dare you make fun of our laws!

      (The two begin to grab each other briefly until the policeman extends
      her arms to separate them and restore order.)

      OFFICER HUCKLEBEE:  Now, let’s be civil and explain to these nice
      folks in the audience why it is that the two of you can’t seem to
      get along any better than the Road Runner and Wyle E. Coyote.

      BOTH NARRATORS:  (Looking at each other in confusion.)  Who?

      OFFICER HUCKLEBEE:  You know, that old cartoon with…nevermind,
      it’s not important.  Now, who wants to go first?  (The shouting
      match resumes.)

      RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR:  I’ll go first.  It’s important that we
      begin with the truth!

      LEFTYLAND NARRATOR:  The truth?  According to who?

      OFFICER HUCKLEBEE:  (She separates them one more time.) OK. OK.  My
      mistake.  Let’s try this again. (Hides her fist behind her back.)
      I’m thinking of a number between one and ten.  Whoever is closer,
      goes first.  (They reluctantly agree as she points to them one at a time.)

      LEFTYLAND NARRATOR:  Three.

      RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR:  Eight.

      OFFICER HUCKLEBEE:  (Slowly reveals her hidden fingers.)  The number
      was two.  (She points to the LEFTYLAND NARRATOR).  You may begin.

      RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR:  That’s not fair.  She cheated.  (OFFICER
      HUCKLEBEE puts her head in her hands in exasperation.)

      LEFTYLAND NARRATOR:  How could I have cheated?

      RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR:  I saw you peaking behind her back!  I call…
      do over!!  (One more time, they get physical with each other.)

      OFFICER HUCKLEBEE:  (Screaming.)  That’s it!  (She blows her whistle
      and two other policemen come out to remove the RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR
      from the stage.)

      RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR:  (Trying to get in the last word to the AUDIENCE
      before she is dragged through the curtain.)  Don’t believe a word
      she says!  It’s lies, I tell ya’…all lies!

      OFFICER HUCKLEBEE:  (Waits for quiet and speaks directly to the
      AUDIENCE.)  Sometimes that’s the only way to keep your sanity around
      here.  (Looks at her watch.)  Well, I gotta run, folks.  Call me if
      things get out of hand…again.  (Speaking to the LEFTYLAND
      NARRATOR.)  They’re all yours.  (She slowly disappears through the
      curtain with her theme music playing, the same way she arrived.)

      LEFTYLAND NARRATOR:  (Relieved that she finally has the chance to
      tell the AUDIENCE her side of the story, she moves to CENTERSTAGE.)
      Wow… Where do I start?  I guess from the beginning.  I’m from
      Leftyland where all of our citizens are – you guessed it –
      lefthanded.  From everything I’ve read and from what my parents tell
      me, we just got tired of being treated like second class citizens.  As
      Lefties, let’s face it, we are so outnumbered.  So, we decided to
      just keep to our side of town and do things our way.  (The RIGHTYVILLE
      CITIZENS enter STAGE LEFT prepared to share their part of the story.)
      But those people on the other side of town are just… well… I guess
      they would probably tell you…

      (SPOTLIGHTS come up on STAGE LEFT.  The LEFTYLAND NARRATOR strolls
      back to STAGE RIGHT.  She looks on in silence, but shows her
      disagreement through facial expressions.)

      All:  We do things right! 

      RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #1:  We throw with our right hand.

      RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #2:  We catch with our right hand.

      RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #3:  We eat with our right hand and…

      RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #4:  we write with our right hand.  In our humble
      opinion…

      All:  (Raising their right hand to support their claim.)  We do
      everything right! 

      RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #4:  (Glancing to her right.)  Unlike some other
      people we know…

      RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #1:  But, let’s be clear about this. 

      RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #2:  This rivalry is about much more than which
      hand we prefer to use.

      RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #3:  Those folks on the other side of town are
      just a little “different” (She puts the quotes in the air with her
      fingers.) in a lot of ways.

      (SPOTLIGHTS go up on STAGE RIGHT and remain on for STAGE LEFT.  The
      LEFTYLAND CITIZENS enter through the curtain STAGE RIGHT.  The
      RIGHTIES immediately turn their backs on them.)

      LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #1:  And may we ask what is your definition of
      “different”?  (Also demonstrating quotes in the air with his
      fingers.)

      LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #2:  (Sarcastically.)  Not like you?

      LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #3:  Yes, we use our left-hand…

      LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #4:  To throw.

      LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #1:  To catch.

      LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #2:  To write.

      LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #3:  To read.

      LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #1, 2 & 4:  (Confused by her statement.)  To read??

      LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #3:  I just wanted to see if the audience was paying
      attention.

      LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #4:  But we do agree about one thing.

      LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #2:  That is, that we disagree about pretty much
      everything.

      (The two groups slowly move closer to CENTERSTAGE as the dialogue goes
      back and forth between the two sides.)

      RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #1:  We drink Coke.

      LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #1:  No Coke – Pepsi!

      RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #2:  We love the Yankees.

      LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #2:  We are true blue Mets fans.

      RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #3:  We wear our hats forward.

      LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #4:  We prefer to wear ours backward.

      LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #3:  Wait, wait!  That’s not really a fair
      comparison.  You kind of have to wear your hat backwards when you’re
      a Mets fan.

      RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #4:  We thrive on loud, hard driving rock music!

      LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #1:  We love the smooth sophisticated sound of jazz.

      RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #1:  We’re strict vegetarians.

      LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #2:  We believe that a delicious rack of barbeque
      ribs never hurt anyone.

      RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #2:  We would play video games 24 hours a day if
      our parents would let us.  (Smiling.)  And they do!

      LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #3:  We’d rather be outside on the sports field
      any day.

      RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #3:  There’s nothing like the purr of our cats
      as they cuddle up on our laps in our living rooms.

      LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #4:  Cats have attitudes.  Dogs only in our
      neighborhoods.

      RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #4:  Our favorite color is red.

      LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #1:  Ours… (They all point to a certain part of
      their wardrobe which features every color but red.)

      ALL LEFTYLAND CITIZENS:  Isn’t!

      (The RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR bursts through the curtain STAGE LEFT and
      brushes herself off.  She looks around, clearly out of breath, as if
      she just escaped from the two policemen.  The two NARRATORS pick up
      the conversation as the groups slowly turn their backs on each
      other.)

      RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR:  To be honest, we’re not really sure how this
      whole fight got started, but my grandpa says it’s been that way for as
      long as he can remember and it doesn’t look like things will change
      anytime soon.

      LEFTYLAND NARRATOR:  How can they when one side (Points to the LEFTIES
      with her thumb.) refuses to respect the rights of others.

      RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR:  (Just as sarcastically.)  And what side might
      you be referring to?

      LEFTYLAND NARRATOR:  Well, since it’s obviously not us, I guess that
      leaves the Coke drinking, righthanded Yankee fans, doesn’t it?

      RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR:  (Shouting back with tremendous sarcasm.) 
      Obviously!  It couldn’t possibly be the lefthanded, carnivorous jazz
      lovers, could it?  (Shouting even louder with hands on hips.)  Heaven
      forbid that you admit that you are the ones who are “different”
      around here.

      (They all begin to shout at each other and, just when it looks like
      chaos is about to erupt, the familiar music announcing the imminent
      arrival of OFFICER HUCKLEBEE begins to play again and everyone cringes
      in anticipation.  They look at each other deciding whether they should
      hang around or run.  Both NARRATORS are the first to leave and EXIT
      through the center curtain.  After a few more seconds, ALL CITIZENS
      EXCEPT FOR RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #2 and LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #1 scatter in
      fear.  The two remain on the stage facing each other, laughing
      hysterically.)

      LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #1:  (Laughing.) Do you believe those guys?

      RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #2:  (Laughing right along with him.) I know,
      right?  Running away like a bunch of scaredy cats.  (HUCKLEBEE appears
      STAGE LEFT, but neither of them notice her.)

      LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #1:  (Laughing even harder.)  You would think
      Hucklebee is six foot ten or something the way they were bolting out
      of here.

      RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #2:  (Keeping up with his laughter.)  I know.
      What is she like four foot three or something?  I could crush her with
      one hand tied behind my back.  (They go to smack each other five with
      their respective hands when they suddenly catch themselves remembering
      that they are from different sides of town.)

      LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #1:  (Notices HUCKLEBEE standing with her arms
      folded a few feet behind RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #2.)  Umm…I gotta get
      going!

      RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #2:  Don’t tell me you’re afraid, too?  (He
      totally ignores her question and backs away slowly through the curtain
      STAGE RIGHT.  She yells after him.)  Well, some of us don’t scare
      that easily!  (OFFICER HUCKLEBEE quietly moves closer to her.)


      OFFICER HUCKLEBEE:  (Speaking in a calm voice.)  Really?  Well,
      that’s good to know.  (Without turning around, RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN
      #2 immediately shows signs of panic. Takes out her handkerchief and
      begins to wipe perspiration off of her forehead.  OFFICER HUCKLEBEE
      begins banging her nightstick first against her thigh and then on the
      palm of her hand to intimidate her.)  So, what were you saying again
      about crushing me with one hand tied behind your back?
      (Sarcastically.)  Now, I’m assuming that your left hand would be the
      one tied behind your back (Takes her left hand and gently twists it
      behind her back.), since you prefer to use your right hand.  Am I
      correct about that?

      RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #2:  (Nervously.)  Oh that?  I was just kidding,
      Officer Hucklebee.  Another thing you probably don’t know about us
      Righties is that we have a great sense of humor.  Yup, real jokesters.
      That’s us.

      OFFICER HUCKLEBEE:  (Sarcastically.)  Hmm… no I didn’t realize
      that.  I guess we learn something every day. (Putting a little more
      pressure on her arm as she raises her voice.)  Well, I suggest you
      take that sense of humor back to your side of town where I’m sure it
      will be much more appreciated!

      RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #2:  Yes, Officer Hucklebee!  (She puts her
      handkerchief back in her pocket and cautiously begins to leave the
      stage feeling relieved to get off the hook.)  Thank you!  Have a great
      day, ma’am!

      OFFICER HUCKLEBEE:  (Shaking her head and speaking directly to the
      AUDIENCE.)  And on and on the insanity goes, folks.  I tell ya’, the
      bickering between these two groups never stops.  That’s why I moved
      out of this area completely a few years back.  Nothing ever changes
      around here. The LEFTIES stay on their side of town called Leftyland.
      The RIGHTIES keep to themselves in Rightyville.  From speaking to the
      local historians, I’ve learned that years ago both sides used to
      live peacefully in one town called Togethertown.  (Smiles to herself.)
      Imagine that… all living together in one place and getting along.
      No disrespect.  No judgment.  No prejudice.  Man… must’ve been a
      beautiful thing.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  Leftyland and
      Rightyville are beautiful places – but, for some reason, they just
      can’t be beautiful together.  I remember a few years back we
      actually came close to having peace and harmony.  And in the final
      step, when it was time to shake hands on the agreement, we hit a snag.
      (Both CITIZENS #4 come out to demonstrate what OFFICER HUCKLEBEE is
      explaining.)  The Righties wanted to shake hands with their right hand
      and, of course, the Lefties insisted on shaking with their left hand.
      It just didn’t work out.  (The CITIZENS demonstrate the dilemma and
      then leave.)  Well, I know this is your first time visiting the area,
      so I’ll let you look around for yourselves. (Her theme song plays as
      she slowly walks off the stage.  The curtain opens for the AUDIENCE to
      get their first view of RIGHTYVILLE.)



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