Opera is Awesome by Linda Suda


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This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author’s PRIOR consent

      SINGER/TEACHER: Welcome parents, students and friends to an evening that we think will
      be full of fun.  I have selected some lovely examples of grand opera which I will sing
      for you this evening.  My lecture, which accompanies these arias is entitled, “Opera,
      Not So Grand After All” because it is for everyone.  Now, let us begin. The vocal apparatus
      is one consisting of four major parts. . .

      CHILD ONE:  (interrupting) No!  No! No!  The opera I know is fun, not
      boring!

      CHILD TWO:  Opera is Awesome!

      SINGER/ TEACHER:  Awesome?  I don’t think I’ve ever heard that
      word to describe opera.  I’m not sure I understand.

      CHILD THREE:  We happen to have an opera planned.  We’d be happy to
      show you.

      CHILD FOUR:  Wait.  To open the show we’ve selected a very special
      person.

      ANNOUNCER:  Le signore e gentiluomini;  ladies and gentlemen.  Esso è
      con più profondo orgoglio and great pleasure that we welcome you
      tonight.  E adesso, noi invitare you to relax.  Per favore take a seat
      as the students of _______________ proudly present OPERA IS AWESOME!
      (Enter entire cast)
      SONG- “NEVER MIND THE WHY AND WHEREFORE” HMS PINAFORE

      CHILD FIVE:  You see, __________, we told you.  Opera is awesome!

      CHILD SIX:  All you have to do is communicate with the audience and
      you’ll have them eating right out of your hand.  Non c’è problema!

      (All performers exit and Soldiers for “CARMEN PIECE” enter)

      SONG- “AVEC LA GARDE MONTANTE”  CARMEN
      (At the end of the piece, all Soldiers exit; Performers for the
      segment “Donahue Diaphragm” enter)

      SINGER/ TEACHER:  What a wonderful way to introduce us to the world of
      opera!  But can you enlighten us as to what happens when a singer
      sings?

      CHILD ONE:  Sure!  But we’re not going to drive the audience crazy
      with a lot of boring stuff- no offense.

      CHILD TWO:  Yeah, we’ve got a “visual aide”.

      (enter DONAHUE (OR DEANNA)  DIAPHRAGM)

      CHILD THREE:  Not only is he important to a singer, but he’s a real
      hottie!

      CHILD ONE:  Lei puo repetere, per favore? 

      CHILD THREE:  No, I’m just making an observation.

      DONAHUE:  That’s right!  Hello!  Let me put my weights down for a
      minute.  My name is Donahue Diaphragm; better known as the most
      important muscle of the actuator group for singing.

      SINGER/ TEACHER:  But how do we know when we’re using you, Donahue?

      DONAHUE:  That’s easy.  The next time you go to bed, put your hand
      just below your rib cage.  As you breathe deeply you will feel your
      diaphragm’s movement.  It is very different from clavicular breathing
      that you use during the day.

      SINGER/ TEACHER:  It seems to me that when you sing you must remember
      to breathe deeply despite any case of “The Nerves.”  You seem to
      me to be fickle.  Sometimes whenever I need you the most, you’re
      just not there!

      SONG - “LA DONNE È MOBILE”  RIGOLETTO

      SINGER/ TEACHER:  Well, that just proves my point.  A singer has to be
      consistent with his or her breathing.

      CHILD ONE:  If you think that’s something, you should see the way he
      makes them sweat when their posture’s not correct!

      CHILD TWO:  Why, they get so frustrated that they want to give up!

      (Enter Director, Maestro Specklebird, with great flourish)

      DIRECTOR:  Give up?  Give up?  Why would you do that when one of the
      greatest directors the world has ever seen has chosen this gala to
      bless with his awesome presence!

      DONAHUE:  Now just a minute!

      DIRECTOR:  Please, I have no time for amateurs!  You, singer, up on
      stage!  You sing, I direct.  We will challenge this “posture
      thing” and win!  I can accomplish anything!

      DONAHUE:  I accept the posture challenge - let us begin!

      DIRECTOR:  You, singer, begin - I am inspired!

      SONG - “ART IS CALLING FOR ME” THE ENCHANTRESS

      Enter Blondes with great bombasity)

      BLONDE ONE:  We waited and waited and we just couldn’t stand it no
      more.  We must’a lost you when you set off the security alarm at the
      airport checkpoint.

      BLONDE TWO:  You know we’re your biggest fans!  How come you ran
      away like that?

      BLONDE THREE:  Yeah, you’re actin’ like you don’t like us.

      TEACHER/ SINGER:  Excuse me, Mr. Specklebird, but rumor has it that
      the _________ theatre is looking for a new director and. . .

      (Blondes and the Director exit quickly)

      (Vic and Vinnie plus tough guys enter)

      VIC:  Scusi , but we should like to make your acquaintance.  Lei come
      si chiama?

      (Vinnie interrupts)

      VINNIE:  To be sure.  My illustrious companion and I are known as the
      dynamic duo of Vic and Vinnie Vocal Cords. 

      TEACHER/ SINGER:  Hello!

      VIC:  We do not wish to be rude but . . .

      (“Dolls” enter, interrupting Vic)

      DOLL ONE:  You should not hang around with unsavory characters like
      that Donahue Diaphragm.

      VINNIE:  (looking at someone in the audience) Nice material!  (to
      another)  Hey whatta you lookin’ at?

      DOLL TWO:  Hiya Vic.  Looks like you got a little more work to do on
      your friend Vinnie there in the manners department.

      DOLL THREE:  Yeah, you gotta learn to control your temper.  Any person
      with class knows that.

      TOUGH GUY ONE: So then, what’s your excuse?

      TOUGH GUY TWO:  Hey, lay off the guy.  He’s here to do a very
      important public service.

      VIC:  Let’s move on to more important matters.  The boss says
      you’re lookin’ for the most classy part of ‘da voice.  Well you
      got no cords, no voice, capice?

      VINNIE:  Yeah, like (MAKES NOISE AND MOVEMENT OF SLITTING THROAT).

      DOLL FOUR:  He means to say that they’re da caviar,

      DOLL FIVE:  . . .  da champagne of ‘dem all.  In fact, they’re
      like ‘dat joker from that operetta about a bat. . . you know, that
      uppity Russian Prince.

      TEACHER/ SINGER:  Prince Orlofsky?

      VIC AND VINNIE:  ‘Dat’s it!!

      SONG-  Chacun a son goût DIE FLEDERMAUS

      (They exit.  “Rosie” enters)

      ROSIE:  Your attention please, Ladies and Gentlemen!  I have arrived
      so therefore the show may begin.  I am Rosie the Resonator, the most
      important part of the singer’s apparatus.  Those “people” who
      just left are nothing compared to “moi”.  Let me introduce you to
      the “total sum of my parts”.

      (Enter the rest of the resonating parts - as cheerleaders or acrobats
      - they will form a line.)
      NEDDA:  I am Nedda Nasal Cavity- I amplify sound.
      PHYLLIS:  I am Phyllis Pharynx- I amplify sound.
      MARTHA:  I am Martha Mouth- I also amplify sound. 

      (All performers cheer with physical movement)

      MARTHA:  Ready, go!

      NEDDA:  Give me an R!

      PHYLLIS:  Give me an O!

      MARTHA:  Give me an S!

      NEDDA:  Give me an I!

      PHYLLIS:  Give me an E!

      ROSIE:  What’ve you got?

      ALL:  Rosie the Resonator, Yeah!!

      TEACHER/ SINGER:  As you can see, Rosie is very taken with herself.
      However, without her and her cohorts, we, as singers could not amplify
      our sound.

[End of Extract]


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