Nuns by Robert Luxford

This Play is the copyright of the Author and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent

LIGHTS UP

We open on a bare stage. Three nuns enter looking very nervous. They
are looking around as if someone is looking for them or they expect to
be found.

SISTER CATHRINE::Can you see anyone ?

SISTER ROZZA: No. You ?

SISTER BERNADETTE: All clear.

SISTER CATHRINE: Thank god, I thought we'd never get away.

SISTER ROZZA: Yeah

SISTER BERNADETTE: Cigarette ?

SISTER CATHRINE: Thanks .

SISTER ROZZA: Cheers.

BERNADETTE - looks for her cigarettes.

SISTER BERNADETTE: Oh dear !

SISTER ROZZA: What ?

SISTER BERNADETTE: I think I left them inside.

SISTER CATHRINE: Tell me you're joking.

SISTER BERNADETTE: Sorry.

SISTER CATHRINE: Sorry, Do you have any idea what I go through to get
us here.

SISTER ROZZA: Calm down.

SISTER CATHRINE: Calm down. Calm down ! I haven't had a cigarette
since YESTERDAY ! AND NOW THE ONLY OPPORTUNITY I HAVE UNTIL
TOMORROW IS GONE AND YOU'RE TELLING ME TO CALM DOWN.

SISTER ROZZA: Sister relax.

SISTER BERNADETTE: I'll go back inside and get them.

SISTER ROZZA: You can't. If mother superior sees you she'll make
you do dishes.

SISTER CATHRINE: And were stuck out here with nothing.

SISTER BERNADETTE: It's okay. Look.

BERNADETTE takes out half a cigarette.

SISTER CATHRINE: Give me that. Did you bring the lighter ?

SISTER ROZZA: Of course.

SISTER ROZZA: takes out a lighter and tries to light the cigarette
but it doesn't work.

SISTER ROZZA: (CONT'D) It's not working.

SISTER CATHRINE: Keep trying.

SISTER BERNADETTE: Give it to me.

BERNADETTE tries it. Still doesn't work.

SISTER BERNADETTE: (CONT'D)I think it's out of fluid.

SISTER CATHRINE: OUT OF FLUID ! HOW COULD IT BE OUT OF FLUID !
DIDN'T YOU FILL IT UP !

SISTER ROZZA: It's a disposable.

SISTER CATHRINE: Disposable ! You bought a disposable lighter ? What
good is that ? It's not as if we can go out and buy lighters whenever we want, is it ?

SISTER ROZZA: Can't exactly go out and get lighter fluid either .

SISTER BERNADETTE: Wait nearly got it.

They try again and get a small flame. SISTER CATHRINE: puffs away

SISTER CATHRINE: Oh yes, Oh yes, Oh God. That is better then sex.

SISTER ROZZA: Pardon ?

SISTER BERNADETTE: How do you know it's better then sex ?

SISTER CATHRINE: Uumm…well think about it you can suck on a
cigarette and….

SISTER BERNADETTE: puts her hands over her ears.

SISTER BERNADETTE: Thank you I don't need to hear any more.

SISTER ROZZA: Actually cigarettes are better then men.

SISTER BERNADETTE: I don't need to hear this.

SISTER ROZZA: They don't leave the toilet seat up for one.

SISTER CATHRINE: They don't hog the sheets

SISTER ROZZA:They don't care what you look like naked.

SISTER BERNADETTE: You two need to go to confession.

SISTER CATHRINE: A cigarette is always long and hard.

She looks at the half smoked cigarette.

SISTER CATHRINE: (CONT'D) Most of the time.

SISTER BERNADETTE: You two have a very unhealthy preoccupation with
sex.

SISTER ROZZA: Sister don't be such a fuddy duddy.

SISTER CATHRINE: We're just having a little fun.

SISTER BERNADETTE: I suppose. It's not as if you would really do
anything… like that.

Cathrine &Kimberly shoot each other a knowing look. BERNADETTE:
catches it.

SISTER BERNADETTE: (CONT'D) Sisters ?

SISTER ROZZA: (GUILTY) What ?

SISTER BERNADETTE: Tell me you haven't..

SISTER CATHRINE: Alright. We won't tell you.

SISTER BERNADETTE: gasps and does the sign of the cross.

SISTER BERNADETTE: Mother Mary and Joseph.

SISTER ROZZA: Actually Brother Michael if you must know.

SISTER CATHRINE: I thought he was gay.

SISTER ROZZA: Bi actually.

SISTER BERNADETTE: This is sinful. I must report this to mother
superior.

SISTER CATHRINE: Whoa ! Hang on a second.

SISTER ROZZA: If you say anything she will ask exactly how you found
out. Which means you will have to tell aboutour little sessions together.

SISTER BERNADETTE: I am willing to suffer the consequences of my
actions. And I will do penance accordingly.

SISTER CATHRINE: And the fact you also found out about her and
Father Calligan.

SISTER BERNADETTE: What do you mean ?

SISTER CATHRINE: Lets just say their shoes share the same space
under the bed.

SISTER BERNADETTE: No, you are lying.

SISTER CATHRINE: I wouldn't lie. It's a sin.

SISTER BERNADETTE: Then how do you know ?

SISTER ROZZA: We've seen the video.

SISTER BERNADETTE: How could there be a video unless someone
filmed.

SISTER ROZZA: Brother Samuelson. For a bottle of scotch no less.

SISTER CATHRINE: A very good bottle of scotch.

SISTER BERNADETTE: Brother Samuelson!

SISTER CATHRINE: He likes to watch.

SISTER ROZZA: Very artistic with the lens.

SISTER CATHRINE: Bit arty for my liking.

SISTER BERNADETTE: I don't believe any of this.

SISTER CATHRINE: We can show you if you like.

SISTER BERNADETTE: NO ! Please I really don't...

SISTER ROZZA: And it's not just the Mother superior. Sex, drugs
rock and roll They're all into it.

SISTER CATHRINE: Yep. Brother Edwards' quite the head banger.

SISTER BERNADETTE: This is wrong I need to report this.

SISTER ROZZA: To whom ?

SISTER BERNADETTE: I..I'll go to the Bishop.

Kimberly and Cathrine burst into laughter.

SISTER BERNADETTE: (CONT'D) What's so funny ?

SISTER CATHRINE: Let's just say we've also seen his private
videos.

SISTER ROZZA: And he looks very smart in leather.

SISTER CATHRINE: Let me put it this way. You can do anything you
want.

SISTER ROZZA: Provided your discreet and don't tell anybody.

SISTER CATHRINE: Anything and I mean anything.

SISTER ROZZA: Except smoke.

SISTER BERNADETTE: And why is that ?

SISTER CATHRINE: Well, for starters smoking is bad for you.

SISTER ROZZA: It's also political.

SISTER BERNADETTE: That's ridiculous.

SISTER CATHRINE: It's like this Cigarettes are owned by big
business. And even though they don't admit it, corporations influence
government policy.

SISTER ROZZA: The government gets support from corporations during
election time and even though they can't be seen to support corporations they
can't win without them.

SISTER CATHRINE: And once they're in power the corporations
exercise their influence. But the government still puts up the front to oppose
cigarettes in order to keep the votes of the people.

SISTER BERNADETTE: And what about the Medical association ?

SISTER CATHRINE: The medical association.

SISTER ROZZA: Don't get us started about them

SISTER CATHRINE: The medical community is funded by the Government
and the corporations.

SISTER ROZZA: It needs the funding from both to stay in business. So
even though it is seen to be against cigarettes it doesn't do a lot really.

SISTER BERNADETTE: This has nothing to do with the church or what
seems to be going on here.

SISTER CATHRINE: That's were you're wrong.

SISTER ROZZA: Even though Church and state are separate, they're
not really.

SISTER CATHRINE: The church and the government have been in bed
together for a long time.

SISTER ROZZA: Each lends support to the other.

SISTER CATHRINE: But everything needs to be seen to be above board.

SISTER ROZZA: Otherwise the people will get wind that something
isn't right. And neither the government, the corporation or the
church want that.

SISTER CATHRINE: Which is why we are not allowed to smoke.

SISTER BERNADETTE: They turn a blind eye to everything else except
smoking.

SISTER CATHRINE: (nods) It's political and corporate poison.

SISTER BERNADETTE: But it's discrimination.

SISTER ROZZA: Tell me about it.

SISTER BERNADETTE: I mean we should have the right to choose for
ourselves if we want to smoke.

SISTER CATHRINE: No argument there.

SISTER BERNADETTE: We should stand up for our rights. We should
protest.

SISTER CATHRINE: Hold on a second sister.

SISTER BERNADETTE: Shout from he roof tops.

SISTER ROZZA: What ? No ! No, shouting.

SISTER BERNADETTE: Come out of the closet. (yells) I'M A SMOKER AND
I'M PROUD OF IT !

SISTER CATHRINE: Will you keep it down.

SISTER ROZZA: Mother superior will hear you.

SISTER BERNADETTE: I DON'T CARE. MOTHER SUPERIOR IS A SINNER.

Cathrine puts her hand over BERNADETTE:s mouth.

SISTER CATHRINE: Be quiet dammit.

SISTER BERNADETTE: We need to write up petitions, picket the bishops
office. Burn huge cigarette effigies outside the Vatican.

SISTER ROZZA: Activism isn't the answer.

SISTER BERNADETTE: No, we have to stand up for our rights.

SISTER CATHRINE: Protesting doesn't work. People loose interest
after the first few minutes of a rally.

SISTER ROZZA: It's a headline one day and kitty litter the next.

SISTER BERNADETTE: But smokers need a voice they have to be heard.

SISTER CATHRINE: It's not how things are done.

SISTER ROZZA: Real change happens from within.

SISTER BERNADETTE: I don't understand.

SISTER CATHRINE: The same things that keep corporations, governments
and the church in power is the same tool that can be used to bring change.

SISTER BERNADETTE: Funding ?

SISTER ROZZA: Leverage.

SISTER CATHRINE: If you have leverage you have power.

SISTER BERNADETTE: But we don't have any leverage.

SISTER CATHRINE: Oh but we do.

SISTER ROZZA: DVD's

SISTER BERNADETTE: Oh.(realizes) OH !

SISTER CATHRINE: When the time is right.

SISTER ROZZA: Soon we won't have to hide behind the convent.

SISTER BERNADETTE: But won't we go to hell for this.

SISTER CATHRINE: The devil is a business man.

SISTER ROZZA: I'm sure we can come to some arrangement.

The cigarette butt is offered to SISTER BERNADETTE:.She takes it and
gleefully drags on it.

SCENE 2

Cathrine, is preening herself. At least as best she can considering
her attire.

SISTER ROZZA: Another date with Brother Michael ?

SISTER CATHRINE: Actually, No. Brother Simon has asked me to assist
him in preparing his art class.

SISTER ROZZA: (knowingly) Oh, really.

Cathrine just grins. Clearly there is more to it.

SISTER BERNADETTE: I think it's very commendable.

SISTER CATHRINE: Do you now ?

SISTER BERNADETTE: The importance of art in ones overall education
is so often overlooked. What sort of art will you be preparing ? Still life's perhaps ?

SISTER CATHRINE: Trust me there will be nothing still about it.

SISTER BERNADETTE: I don't understand.

SISTER CATHRINE: This will be more an appreciation of the human
body.

SISTER BERNADETTE: Wonderful. Figure drawing can be very
stimulating.

SISTER CATHRINE: Stimulating, yes.

BERNADETTE notices the looks and giggles Cathrine and Kimberly are
passing back and forth.

SISTER BERNADETTE: You're not really helping Brother Simon with
his drawings are you.

SISTER CATHRINE: Of course I am. But what he will be drawing won't
be on display in the class.

SISTER BERNADETTE: That's disgusting.

SISTER CATHRINE: Oh, Bambi. I thought you'd learnt by now.
Anything is fair game.

SISTER BERNADETTE: So you've said. I'm still adjusting to that.

SISTER CATHRINE: Well don't sweat it. Just remember the
commandments.

SISTER BERNADETTE: The Ten commandments.

SISTER CATHRINE: The unwritten commandments.

SISTER ROZZA: Thou shalt do whatever thou wants provided thou
doesn't get caught.

SISTER CATHRINE: Thou shalt do whatever it takes not to get caught.

SISTER BERNADETTE: Yes, but what if Brother Michael finds out….

SISTER CATHRINE: Finally, and most importantly. THOU SHALT NOT
SQUEAL.!

SISTER ROZZA: Violation of this last one can result in eternal
damnation.

SISTER CATHRINE: You got that. ?

SISTER BERNADETTE:
Oh yes. I understand perfectly.

[end of extract]

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