Jack and the Beanstalk by Paul Kalburgi


DOWNLOAD


This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author’s PRIOR consent


    ACT ONE

                            SCENE 1 - WELCOME TO LILLYSHAW

                  House tabs open to a busy marketplace in the
                  village of Lillyshaw. Villagers and townspeople
                  burst into song and dance, led by the PRINCESS OF
                  DIAMONDS.

                                    #BIG OPENING NUMBER#

                  As the song finishes a trio of bugles sound,
                  followed by an announcement from off-stage.

                                  #ROYAL BUGLES SOUNDS#

            TOM/DICK/HARRY (OFF)
                His Majesty, the King of Spades.

                  The villagers quickly shut up their shops and
                  within seconds the town square is deserted. The
                  PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS hides behind a flower market
                  cart.

                  The KING OF SPADES enters, followed by palace
                  jesters TOM, DICK and HARRY who each carry a
                  bugle.

            KING OF SPADES
                Now hear this! Now hear this! Oh… I say, where has
                everyone gone? I could have sworn I heard music and
                laughter.

            TOM
                The villagers are scared, You’re Highness.

            DICK
                Terrified, Your Excellency!

            HARRY
                Petrified, Your Greatness!

            KING OF SPADES
                Yes, well… they should be! The golden hourglass has
                been stolen from the palace and I want it back!

            TOM
                Yes!

            DICK
                Of course!

            HARRY
                Without doubt!

            KING OF SPADES
                Something funny is going on around here.

            TOM
                Yes, it’s a pantomime, Sir…

                  DICK and HARRY give TOM the elbow.

            TOM (CONT.)
                Your Imperial Highness. Sir.

            KING OF SPADES
                Hmmm… well, I don’t like it. These villagers are
                trying to get back at me for putting up their taxes.
                What they must understand, is that the price of candy
                floss has gone up; and I refuse to be without it!

            HARRY
                With all… due… respect… Your Worship… we don’t
                know that is was one of the villagers who stole from
                you.

            DICK
                Not for sure.

            TOM
                No!

            KING OF SPADES
                Stick to the bugle boys! I am the King of Spades, ruler
                of Lillyshaw, and I say who did what.

            TOM
                Quite right.

            DICK
                Yes, of course.

            HARRY
                You are the King of Spades!

            TOM/DICK/HARRY
                Ruler of Lillyshaw!

            KING OF SPADES
                Now, unless I have that hourglass back, with an
                apology… the entire village will be demolished!

            TOM/DICK/HARRY
                Demolished!

            KING OF SPADES
                Demolished! Spread the word. Now, the Queen of Hearts
                will have my jelly and ice cream waiting, take me home!

            DICK
                But… Your Highness…

            TOM
                If we pull down all of the houses…

            HARRY
                The entire village will be homeless.

            KING OF SPADES
                And if you don’t… then you’ll be homeless!

                      (beat)

            TOM
                Yes.

            DICK
                Quite right, sir.

            HARRY
                Very good.

            KING OF SPADES
                Now… to the palace! My jelly and ice cream will be
                getting cold!

                                    #ROYAL BUGLE SOUNDS#

                  The KING OF SPADES and JESTERS exit.

            TOM/DICK/HARRY
                You’re Highness… jelly and ice cream usually is cold!


                                      #CLAP OF THUNDER#

                  JEOPARDY enters behind a pyrotechnic flash.

                      (evil laugh)

            JEOPARDY
                His plan is plot, his deed is done, It’s time for the
                King to have some fun. Just imagine Christmas day,
                Homeless families nowhere to stay! Away from the snow,
                away from the sleet, Frosty fingers, and icy feet. No
                mince pies or Christmas pud, These boys and girls have
                not been good. Well dear children lets watch on, Let’s
                see what they’ll do when their homes are gone!

                                      #TWINKLING BELLS#

                  VIRTUE enters behind a puff of smoke.

            VIRTUE
                Fear not, she talks in jest, Do you trust a sprite in a
                bullet proof vest?! This town is strong, tough and
                hearty, This little setback won’t ruin the party. The
                King’s just upset, he want’s his things back, So let’s
                read the next scene and meet our friend Jack. Stick
                with us kids, our adventure goes on… I’ll leave as I
                came, with a puff and song.

                                      #TWINKLING BELLS#

                  In a puff of smoke, VIRTUE and JEOPARDY exit.

                  Withthe coast clear, the PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS comes
                  out from her hiding place, holding a beautiful bunch of flowers.

            PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS
                Oh dear.

                  After a moment she notices the audience.

            PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS (CONT.)
                Oh… hello, boys and girls!

            AUDIENCE
                Hello!

            PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS
                I’m the Princess of Diamonds. I live up at the palace
                here in Lillyshaw with my mother, the Queen of
                Hearts… and my father, the King of Spades; who I
                guess you just met. He’s not always so mean boys and
                girls… honestly. It’s just, well… a lot of very
                precious golden things have been going missing from the
                palace lately and father won’t rest until he gets them
                back. I do hope we find them soon.

                  PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS smells the flowers.

            PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS (CONT.)
                I was just out buying some flowers from the market…
                it’s such a lovely day. I was hoping to see my
                friends… I wanted to invite them to my birthday
                party, but I guess everyone has gone now. Hey… I
                know! Would you all like to come to my birthday party
                boys and girls?

            AUDIENCE
                Yes!

            PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS
                Really?

            AUDIENCE

            PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS
                Oh great! I’d better get back to the palace now, Mother
                will be worried, I’ve been such a long time. I’ll see you
                again soon!

                  PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS goes to exit. As she does,
                  JACK enters, bumping into the Princess and
                  knocking the flowers out of her hands.

            JACK
                Oh my… I’m so sorry… here let me help…

                  JACK picks up the flowers. They both blush,
                  equally embarrassed and clearly taken with each
                  other. There is a brief pause as they hold each
                  other’s gaze. Eventually, JACK hands the flowers
                  back to the PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS.

            JACK (CONT.)
                Oh, sorry… here you go.

            PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS
                Yes. Thank you. You’re very kind.

            JACK
                Yes. You’re very…

            PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS
                I really must be going.

            JACK
                Yes. Goodbye.

            PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS
                Goodbye. And… thank you.

                  The PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS exits, glancing back to
                  JACK as she does. He snaps out of his daydream and
                  notices the audience.

            JACK
                Hiya, boys and girls!

                  JACK looks around, realising that the market is
                  deserted.

            JACK (CONT.)
                Oh, where is everyone? Did you see where everyone went?
                This is strange, it looks like the market has closed!
                I’d better go and see if [LOCAL SHOP] is still open,
                you see I need some cough medicine for Mother. Oh I’m
                sorry, I forgot to introduce myself, I’ll start again.
                I’m Jack! I live here in Lillyshaw with my mother. I’m
                actually quite sad at the moment boys and girls.

            AUDIENCE
                Awww.

            JACK
                No, it’s worse than that!

            AUDIENCE
                Awwwwwwww.

            JACK
                No, no… it’s much worse than that!

            AUDIENCE
                Awwwwwwwwwwwww.

            JACK
                All right… it’s not that bad! You see, I don’t have
                many friends here in the village. Hey, I’ll tell you
                what… maybe you could be my friends? Oh, will you
                boys and girls?

            AUDIENCE
                Yes!

            JACK
                Really?

            AUDIENCE
                Yes!!

            JACK
                Oh cool, thanks, guys! Wait until I tell Mother. Oh,
                just one more thing… whenever I come on stage and
                shout “Hiya, kids”, will you all shout back “Hiya,
                Jack”!

            AUDIENCE
                Yes!

            JACK
                Brilliant! Let’s have a go.

                  JACK quickly runs off stage, and then back on.

            JACK (CONT.)
                Hiya, kids!

            AUDIENCE
                Hiya, Jack!

            JACK
                Oh, that’s great! So many new friends!! Well if the
                market has closed I’d better get going, we haven’t got
                anything for dinner tonight.
                      (he chuckles)

            JACK (CONT.)
                That’s not the market’s fault… we never have anything
                in for dinner! Oh well… looks like cabbage soup
                again. I’ll see ya later, boys and girls. Bye, everyone!

            AUDIENCE
                Bye, Jack!

                  JACK exits.

                            SCENE 2 - UNHAPPY WANDERERS

                  A clearing in the forest. An argument between AUNT
                  VERRUCA and DAME DILLY DALLY DALLY can be heard
                  off-stage.

            AUNT VERRUCA (OFF)
                Keep up!

            DILLY DALLY (OFF)
                Slow down!

            AUNT VERRUCA (OFF)
                Keep up!

            DILLY DALLY (OFF)
                Slow down! This stuff is too heavy… it’s your turn!

            AUNT VERRUCA (OFF)
                You’re a big girl… you’ll manage.

                  After a moment they enter. AUNT VERRUCA is dressed
                  in a girl scout uniform, complete with map and
                  compass. DILLY DALLY wears a big bright
                  traditional panto Dame costume (possibly covered
                  in sweets). She carries both of their rucksacks
                  from them an assortment of pans and camping
                  regalia hang.

            DILLY DALLY
                Will you slow down?

            AUNT VERRUCA
                Will you hurry up?

            DILLY DALLY
                My feet are hurting, Aunt Verruca! We’ll have to stop
                for a breather… and maybe a little cappuccino… or a
                KFC?

            AUNT VERRUCA
                I told you those shoes weren’t suitable for hiking.

            DILLY DALLY
                They’re not shoes, they’re Choo’s. And they’re perfect
                for any occasion. You could try them on… but you
                haven’t got the legs for them.

            AUNT VERRUCA
                Look, Dilly Dally… I’m tired. I’m frustrated. My hair
                is out of control and I smell like a litter tray…

            DILLY DALLY
                What’s new?

            AUNT VERRUCA
                I’m hungry! I want to eat too, but we’re in the middle
                of nowhere… we haven’t passed a petrol station for
                twenty miles, let alone a KFC! So, while you’re sat
                here talking day-to-evening-glamor, there is a very
                real possibility of day-to-evening-starvation!

                  AUNT VERUCCA turns the maps upside down and back
                  to front in desperation. DILLY DALLY takes off the
                  rucksacks.

            DILLY DALLY
                I’m sure when we get there Aunt Veronica will have laid
                on a feast! We’ll have wine and grapes ... we’ll dance
                till we drop into lovely warm beds.

                  AUNT VERRUCA reads from her directions…

            AUNT VERRUCA
                “Cross the dam and make your way around the foot of the
                steep path that climbs to the saddle on the north side
                of Monty Stickle”. Well haven’t we done that twice
                already?! Oh this blithering map! Wait there you lazy
                lump… I’ll go back and check that last signpost again.

                  AUNT VERRUCA exits.

            DILLY DALLY
                Suit yourself! I’ll just sit here and… eat all of
                these sweeties I happened to find in my bag!

                  DILLY DALLY starts to eat the sweets

                  ... then notices the audience.

            DILLY DALLY (CONT.)
                Oh! Well hello you lot! I didn’t see you there.

                      (beat)

            DILLY DALLY (CONT.)
                I said hello!

            AUDIENCE
                Hello!

            DILLY DALLY
                My name is Dilly. Dilly Dally, actually… but you can
                call me Dame Dilly Dally! I’m trying to find some
                horrible little village called Lillyshaw with my
                horrible Aunt Verruca. Well it’s nice to see you all, I hope
                you’re having more fun than I am. Are you having fun?

            AUDIENCE
                Yes!

            DILLY DALLY
                You don’t sound very sure?! Are you all having a good
                time?

            AUDIENCE
                Yes!!

            DILLY DALLY
                Well I’m not! Oh kids… I’ve got a little problem you
                see. Well actually it’s quite a big problem.

                  DILLY DALLY takes a cracked vanity mirror out from
                  her rucksack.

            DILLY DALLY (CONT.)
                Look… my mirror is cracked and I can’t see to fix my
                beautiful hair… or put my makeup on, and now I feel
                all ugly.

            AUDIENCE
                Awwww

            DILLY DALLY
                Will you help to cheer me up, boys and girls?

            AUDIENCE
                Yes!

            DILLY DALLY
                Will you?

            AUDIENCE
                Yes!!

            DILLY DALLY
                Oh that’s super! Right… I’ll teach you my little
                song. This always does the trick. I’ll sing it to you
                first, and then we’ll try it all together.

                  DILLY DALLY sings her song, to the tune of ‘Peter
                  Rabbit’s got a fly upon his nose’.

                                #BASKET FULL OF SWEETS#

            DILLY DALLY (CONT.)
                #Dilly Dally’s got a basket full of sweets, Dilly
                Dally’s sweets are really good to eat! Dilly Dally’s
                got a basket full of sweets, If we say she’s really
                pretty then she’ll give us some to eat!
                      (beat)

            DILLY DALLY (CONT.)
                Now I’ll say the words line by line and you all repeat
                after me! #Dilly Dally’s got a basket full of sweets.

            AUDIENCE
                Dilly Dally’s got a basket full of sweets.

            DILLY DALLY
                #Dilly Dally’s sweets are really good to eat!

            AUDIENCE
                Dilly Dally’s sweets are really good to eat!

            DILLY DALLY
                #Dilly Dally’s got a basket full of sweets.

            AUDIENCE
                Dilly Dally’s got a basket full of sweets.

            DILLY DALLY
                #If we say she’s really pretty then she’ll give us
      some
                to eat!

            AUDIENCE
                If we say she’s really pretty then she’ll give us some
                to eat!

            DILLY DALLY
                Fantastic! Ok, shall we try with the music now? Here we
                go!

                                #BASKET FULL OF SWEETS#

            DILLY DALLY (CONT.)
                Oh you were brilliant! Would you like some sweeties now
                boys and girls?

            AUDIENCE
                Yes!

            DILLY DALLY
                I can’t hear you!

            AUDIENCE
                Yes!!

            DILLY DALLY
                Well tough… they’re all mine!
                      (beat)

            DILLY DALLY (CONT.)
                I’m only joking… Ok, here you go.

                  DILLY DALLY throws sweets out into the audience.

            DILLY DALLY
                Now just one more thing, every time I say to you, “Oh
                boys and girls, I feel sooooooooooooooo ugly!” Will you
                shout back “Don’t be silly, Dilly!” Will you do that?

            AUDIENCE
                Yes!

            DILLY DALLY
                Ok let’s try that. Oh, boys and girls, I feel
                sooooooooo ugly!

            AUDIENCE
                Don’t be silly, Dilly!

            DILLY DALLY
                Brilliant! Oh, you’ve made me feel all fabulous again.

                  AUNT VERRUCA enters… now covered in mud, with
                  bits of the forest in her hair.

            AUNT VERRUCA
                There’s nothing back there… just an old derelict
                shack. Who were you talking too? And what are you
                eating?!

                  DILLY DALLY quickly puts the sweets away.

            DILLY DALLY
                Never mind me… what is that smell?!

                  AUNT VERRUCA sniffs her hands, then her armpits.

            DILLY DALLY (CONT.)
                You smell like you’ve just lost a fight with a skunk!

                  AUNT VERRUCA glares at DILLY DALLY.

            DILLY DALLY (CONT.)
                I’m sorry. No really… I am. You look a million
                dollars ... all green and wrinkly!

[end of extract]



DOWNLOAD