Jack and the Beanstalk by Paul Kalburgi


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This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent


ACT ONE

SCENE 1 - WELCOME TO LILLYSHAW

House tabs open to a busy marketplace in the
village of Lillyshaw. Villagers and townspeople
burst into song and dance, led by the PRINCESS OF
DIAMONDS.

#BIG OPENING NUMBER#

As the song finishes a trio of bugles sound,
followed by an announcement from off-stage.

#ROYAL BUGLES SOUNDS#

TOM/DICK/HARRY (OFF)
His Majesty, the King of Spades.

The villagers quickly shut up their shops and
within seconds the town square is deserted. The
PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS hides behind a flower market
cart.

The KING OF SPADES enters, followed by palace
jesters TOM, DICK and HARRY who each carry a
bugle.

KING OF SPADES
Now hear this! Now hear this! Oh… I say, where has
everyone gone? I could have sworn I heard music and
laughter.

TOM
The villagers are scared, You're Highness.

DICK
Terrified, Your Excellency!

HARRY
Petrified, Your Greatness!

KING OF SPADES
Yes, well… they should be! The golden hourglass has
been stolen from the palace and I want it back!

TOM
Yes!

DICK
Of course!

HARRY
Without doubt!

KING OF SPADES
Something funny is going on around here.

TOM
Yes, it's a pantomime, Sir…

DICK and HARRY give TOM the elbow.

TOM (CONT.)
Your Imperial Highness. Sir.

KING OF SPADES
Hmmm… well, I don't like it. These villagers are
trying to get back at me for putting up their taxes.
What they must understand, is that the price of candy
floss has gone up; and I refuse to be without it!

HARRY
With all… due… respect… Your Worship… we don't
know that is was one of the villagers who stole from
you.

DICK
Not for sure.

TOM
No!

KING OF SPADES
Stick to the bugle boys! I am the King of Spades, ruler
of Lillyshaw, and I say who did what.

TOM
Quite right.

DICK
Yes, of course.

HARRY
You are the King of Spades!

TOM/DICK/HARRY
Ruler of Lillyshaw!

KING OF SPADES
Now, unless I have that hourglass back, with an
apology… the entire village will be demolished!

TOM/DICK/HARRY
Demolished!

KING OF SPADES
Demolished! Spread the word. Now, the Queen of Hearts
will have my jelly and ice cream waiting, take me home!

DICK
But… Your Highness…

TOM
If we pull down all of the houses…

HARRY
The entire village will be homeless.

KING OF SPADES
And if you don't… then you'll be homeless!

(beat)

TOM
Yes.

DICK
Quite right, sir.

HARRY
Very good.

KING OF SPADES
Now… to the palace! My jelly and ice cream will be
getting cold!

#ROYAL BUGLE SOUNDS#

The KING OF SPADES and JESTERS exit.

TOM/DICK/HARRY
You're Highness… jelly and ice cream usually is cold!


#CLAP OF THUNDER#

JEOPARDY enters behind a pyrotechnic flash.

(evil laugh)

JEOPARDY
His plan is plot, his deed is done, It's time for the
King to have some fun. Just imagine Christmas day,
Homeless families nowhere to stay! Away from the snow,
away from the sleet, Frosty fingers, and icy feet. No
mince pies or Christmas pud, These boys and girls have
not been good. Well dear children lets watch on, Let's
see what they'll do when their homes are gone!

#TWINKLING BELLS#

VIRTUE enters behind a puff of smoke.

VIRTUE
Fear not, she talks in jest, Do you trust a sprite in a
bullet proof vest?! This town is strong, tough and
hearty, This little setback won't ruin the party. The
King's just upset, he want's his things back, So let's
read the next scene and meet our friend Jack. Stick
with us kids, our adventure goes on… I'll leave as I
came, with a puff and song.

#TWINKLING BELLS#

In a puff of smoke, VIRTUE and JEOPARDY exit.

Withthe coast clear, the PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS comes
out from her hiding place, holding a beautiful bunch of flowers.

PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS
Oh dear.

After a moment she notices the audience.

PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS (CONT.)
Oh… hello, boys and girls!

AUDIENCE
Hello!

PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS
I'm the Princess of Diamonds. I live up at the palace
here in Lillyshaw with my mother, the Queen of
Hearts… and my father, the King of Spades; who I
guess you just met. He's not always so mean boys and
girls… honestly. It's just, well… a lot of very
precious golden things have been going missing from the
palace lately and father won't rest until he gets them
back. I do hope we find them soon.

PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS smells the flowers.

PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS (CONT.)
I was just out buying some flowers from the market…
it's such a lovely day. I was hoping to see my
friends… I wanted to invite them to my birthday
party, but I guess everyone has gone now. Hey… I
know! Would you all like to come to my birthday party
boys and girls?

AUDIENCE
Yes!

PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS
Really?

AUDIENCE

PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS
Oh great! I'd better get back to the palace now, Mother
will be worried, I've been such a long time. I'll see you
again soon!

PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS goes to exit. As she does,
JACK enters, bumping into the Princess and
knocking the flowers out of her hands.

JACK
Oh my… I'm so sorry… here let me help…

JACK picks up the flowers. They both blush,
equally embarrassed and clearly taken with each
other. There is a brief pause as they hold each
other's gaze. Eventually, JACK hands the flowers
back to the PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS.

JACK (CONT.)
Oh, sorry… here you go.

PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS
Yes. Thank you. You're very kind.

JACK
Yes. You're very…

PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS
I really must be going.

JACK
Yes. Goodbye.

PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS
Goodbye. And… thank you.

The PRINCESS OF DIAMONDS exits, glancing back to
JACK as she does. He snaps out of his daydream and
notices the audience.

JACK
Hiya, boys and girls!

JACK looks around, realising that the market is
deserted.

JACK (CONT.)
Oh, where is everyone? Did you see where everyone went?
This is strange, it looks like the market has closed!
I'd better go and see if [LOCAL SHOP] is still open,
you see I need some cough medicine for Mother. Oh I'm
sorry, I forgot to introduce myself, I'll start again.
I'm Jack! I live here in Lillyshaw with my mother. I'm
actually quite sad at the moment boys and girls.

AUDIENCE
Awww.

JACK
No, it's worse than that!

AUDIENCE
Awwwwwwww.

JACK
No, no… it's much worse than that!

AUDIENCE
Awwwwwwwwwwwww.

JACK
All right… it's not that bad! You see, I don't have
many friends here in the village. Hey, I'll tell you
what… maybe you could be my friends? Oh, will you
boys and girls?

AUDIENCE
Yes!

JACK
Really?

AUDIENCE
Yes!!

JACK
Oh cool, thanks, guys! Wait until I tell Mother. Oh,
just one more thing… whenever I come on stage and
shout “Hiya, kids”, will you all shout back “Hiya,
Jack”!

AUDIENCE
Yes!

JACK
Brilliant! Let's have a go.

JACK quickly runs off stage, and then back on.

JACK (CONT.)
Hiya, kids!

AUDIENCE
Hiya, Jack!

JACK
Oh, that's great! So many new friends!! Well if the
market has closed I'd better get going, we haven't got
anything for dinner tonight.
(he chuckles)

JACK (CONT.)
That's not the market's fault… we never have anything
in for dinner! Oh well… looks like cabbage soup
again. I'll see ya later, boys and girls. Bye, everyone!

AUDIENCE
Bye, Jack!

JACK exits.

SCENE 2 - UNHAPPY WANDERERS

A clearing in the forest. An argument between AUNT
VERRUCA and DAME DILLY DALLY DALLY can be heard
off-stage.

AUNT VERRUCA (OFF)
Keep up!

DILLY DALLY (OFF)
Slow down!

AUNT VERRUCA (OFF)
Keep up!

DILLY DALLY (OFF)
Slow down! This stuff is too heavy… it's your turn!

AUNT VERRUCA (OFF)
You're a big girl… you'll manage.

After a moment they enter. AUNT VERRUCA is dressed
in a girl scout uniform, complete with map and
compass. DILLY DALLY wears a big bright
traditional panto Dame costume (possibly covered
in sweets). She carries both of their rucksacks
from them an assortment of pans and camping
regalia hang.

DILLY DALLY
Will you slow down?

AUNT VERRUCA
Will you hurry up?

DILLY DALLY
My feet are hurting, Aunt Verruca! We'll have to stop
for a breather… and maybe a little cappuccino… or a
KFC?

AUNT VERRUCA
I told you those shoes weren't suitable for hiking.

DILLY DALLY
They're not shoes, they're Choo's. And they're perfect
for any occasion. You could try them on… but you
haven't got the legs for them.

AUNT VERRUCA
Look, Dilly Dally… I'm tired. I'm frustrated. My hair
is out of control and I smell like a litter tray…

DILLY DALLY
What's new?

AUNT VERRUCA
I'm hungry! I want to eat too, but we're in the middle
of nowhere… we haven't passed a petrol station for
twenty miles, let alone a KFC! So, while you're sat
here talking day-to-evening-glamor, there is a very
real possibility of day-to-evening-starvation!

AUNT VERUCCA turns the maps upside down and back
to front in desperation. DILLY DALLY takes off the
rucksacks.

DILLY DALLY
I'm sure when we get there Aunt Veronica will have laid
on a feast! We'll have wine and grapes ... we'll dance
till we drop into lovely warm beds.

AUNT VERRUCA reads from her directions…

AUNT VERRUCA
“Cross the dam and make your way around the foot of the
steep path that climbs to the saddle on the north side
of Monty Stickle”. Well haven't we done that twice
already?! Oh this blithering map! Wait there you lazy
lump… I'll go back and check that last signpost again.

AUNT VERRUCA exits.

DILLY DALLY
Suit yourself! I'll just sit here and… eat all of
these sweeties I happened to find in my bag!

DILLY DALLY starts to eat the sweets

... then notices the audience.

DILLY DALLY (CONT.)
Oh! Well hello you lot! I didn't see you there.

(beat)

DILLY DALLY (CONT.)
I said hello!

AUDIENCE
Hello!

DILLY DALLY
My name is Dilly. Dilly Dally, actually… but you can
call me Dame Dilly Dally! I'm trying to find some
horrible little village called Lillyshaw with my
horrible Aunt Verruca. Well it's nice to see you all, I hope
you're having more fun than I am. Are you having fun?

AUDIENCE
Yes!

DILLY DALLY
You don't sound very sure?! Are you all having a good
time?

AUDIENCE
Yes!!

DILLY DALLY
Well I'm not! Oh kids… I've got a little problem you
see. Well actually it's quite a big problem.

DILLY DALLY takes a cracked vanity mirror out from
her rucksack.

DILLY DALLY (CONT.)
Look… my mirror is cracked and I can't see to fix my
beautiful hair… or put my makeup on, and now I feel
all ugly.

AUDIENCE
Awwww

DILLY DALLY
Will you help to cheer me up, boys and girls?

AUDIENCE
Yes!

DILLY DALLY
Will you?

AUDIENCE
Yes!!

DILLY DALLY
Oh that's super! Right… I'll teach you my little
song. This always does the trick. I'll sing it to you
first, and then we'll try it all together.

DILLY DALLY sings her song, to the tune of 'Peter
Rabbit's got a fly upon his nose'.

#BASKET FULL OF SWEETS#

DILLY DALLY (CONT.)
#Dilly Dally's got a basket full of sweets, Dilly
Dally's sweets are really good to eat! Dilly Dally's
got a basket full of sweets, If we say she's really
pretty then she'll give us some to eat!
(beat)

DILLY DALLY (CONT.)
Now I'll say the words line by line and you all repeat
after me! #Dilly Dally's got a basket full of sweets.

AUDIENCE
Dilly Dally's got a basket full of sweets.

DILLY DALLY
#Dilly Dally's sweets are really good to eat!

AUDIENCE
Dilly Dally's sweets are really good to eat!

DILLY DALLY
#Dilly Dally's got a basket full of sweets.

AUDIENCE
Dilly Dally's got a basket full of sweets.

DILLY DALLY
#If we say she's really pretty then she'll give us
some
to eat!

AUDIENCE
If we say she's really pretty then she'll give us some
to eat!

DILLY DALLY
Fantastic! Ok, shall we try with the music now? Here we
go!

#BASKET FULL OF SWEETS#

DILLY DALLY (CONT.)
Oh you were brilliant! Would you like some sweeties now
boys and girls?

AUDIENCE
Yes!

DILLY DALLY
I can't hear you!

AUDIENCE
Yes!!

DILLY DALLY
Well tough… they're all mine!
(beat)

DILLY DALLY (CONT.)
I'm only joking… Ok, here you go.

DILLY DALLY throws sweets out into the audience.

DILLY DALLY
Now just one more thing, every time I say to you, “Oh
boys and girls, I feel sooooooooooooooo ugly!” Will you
shout back “Don't be silly, Dilly!” Will you do that?

AUDIENCE
Yes!

DILLY DALLY
Ok let's try that. Oh, boys and girls, I feel
sooooooooo ugly!

AUDIENCE
Don't be silly, Dilly!

DILLY DALLY
Brilliant! Oh, you've made me feel all fabulous again.

AUNT VERRUCA enters… now covered in mud, with
bits of the forest in her hair.

AUNT VERRUCA
There's nothing back there… just an old derelict
shack. Who were you talking too? And what are you
eating?!

DILLY DALLY quickly puts the sweets away.

DILLY DALLY
Never mind me… what is that smell?!

AUNT VERRUCA sniffs her hands, then her armpits.

DILLY DALLY (CONT.)
You smell like you've just lost a fight with a skunk!

AUNT VERRUCA glares at DILLY DALLY.

DILLY DALLY (CONT.)
I'm sorry. No really… I am. You look a million
dollars ... all green and wrinkly!

[end of extract]



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