How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse - RELOADED by Ben Muir

This Play is the copyright of the Author and must not be Performed or Copied without the Author's prior consent

Characters

Although the 4 characters from the original show have been portrayed as both male or female, you
may present the seminar in any gender mix you wish

If so, some aspects of the seminar script will need altering in order to present characters as
alternate genders and should any lines need to be changed, please contact the author for approval
(pronoun changes do not require approval).

The Original Characters were ...

Dr Dale Seslick

The Seminar leader. Cool, Calm, Collected, Charismatic. Fluent in zombie survival lore, he is
never stumped for an answer. He punctuates his training seminars with continual use of hand
gestures and buzz words.

Judy O’Dea

Dr Dale’s second in command. She is scientific to a fault. Smart and to the point. She is the one
who attempts to control the other two members of the team, although often gets drawn into
the insanity unwillingly, she continues to act and react as if everything was carrying on
normally.

Donald Straite

The aged survivalist who has followed every conspiracy theory in the book and has attempted and
succeeded many difficult training exercises (he once lived for seven days up a flag pole with
nothing to eat but a cheese sandwich). Very keen to be involved in all aspects of training but can
get easily distracted if there is a pretty lady in the audience.

Tristen Granger

Dr Dale’s nephew. He tries so, so hard but has absolutely no idea what is going on during the
seminar. His stupidity is that of a childish wonderment
- and he always tries to listen and understand what’s going on… until his
ind drifts and he starts thinking about puppies and clouds.

As the audience enters the auditorium, they are greeted by Donald, Judy and Tristen who supply each
of them with a double sided card. Each card has ‘A’ printed on one side and ‘B’ printed on the other

Inside, the stage is set with a lectern centre and four chairs - two either side and slightly back
from the lectern.

Around the walls of the auditorium, placed to look like theatre row allocations are 8
cards which say A1, B2, A3, B4, A5, B6, A7, B8 - these cards can be altered dependant on the shape
of the room as long as the letter and numbers correspond to the correct answer to each numbered
question.

Once the audience is in, the cast leaves and the lights dim. The opening track – opening intro
music is available from Funcast Ltd - begins and Judy, Donald and Tristen re-enter at the specific
points in the music that reference their area of expertise. They sit on the chairs - Donald Far SR,
Judy Near SR, Tristen far SL.

At the end of the music Dr Dale enters, and stands behind the lectern.

DALE: Good evening and welcome to How To Survive a Zombie Apocalypse, I’m Dr Dale,
author of Dr Dale’s Zombie Dictionary and founder of the School of Survival or, as we like to
call it, S.O.S (hand gesture) and I’m here to teach you today - How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse.
Now here at the School of Survival… or S.O.S. (hand gesture) we don’t believe in just standing
there and talking at you (hand gesture), expecting you to soak it all up like a sponge. No. That’s
not how we roll. (hand gesture) No - we believe in Inclusion with a capital I. (hand gesture)
Working together as a team. Inviting you to participate. Invoking Team Work And Togetherness (hand
gesture). We expect you to get involved with us. Share your thoughts, theories and ideas. In fact,
to start you off slowly, let’s just try a little bit of that inclusion now. Very simple question
for you. I want to know, how many people here believe, as of this moment, that they could survive a
zombie apocalypse.

Audience put hands up. Dr Dale reacts accordingly with surprise or disappointment.

DALE: Okay, well let’s break this down shall we into separate levels of training. Just so we get an
idea of how much we need to teach you. What kind of people are in here? Firstly, put your hand up
if you really don’t think you could survive at all. You’re the kind of person that we might as well
sacrifice for the good of all as soon as we hear the apocalypse has begun.

Audience put hands up. Dale reacts accordingly.

DALE: Okay, now who thinks they are at an intermediate level? You’ve got a good chance of survival.
You’ve seen some zombie films, played zombie games, read zombie books. You’ve got a basic
idea about the zombie mythology.

Audience puts hands up and Dale reacts

DALE: Okay, now who here believes they are a true expert? And by expert I mean you know what
weapons you’d take, where you’d head to, which close family member you’d sacrifice if the need
arose.

Audience puts hands up

DALE: Okay, that’s good. I tell you what, just stand up for me if you believe that you are a true
survivor.

Audience stands up

DALE: I want everyone to see the confidence that seeps from your pores. That’s it! Everyone else,
just take a look at these people. These are the people who are trained for survival, they think
about how to react in the apocalypse every day and surely that should inspire the rest of you to
pull your finger out and start learning how to survive because currently these are the people who
will be left to build the human race! Is that what you want? These people! The future of
civilisation?! No, I thought not, so that is why you’re all here today to learn so that it won’t be
just these happy few repopulating together to rebuild humanity. Okay, thanks guys, sit
yourselves down.

Audience sit down

DALE: Okay now we know a little bit about you. That we’ve got some experts and remedials I think
maybe it’s time I introduced you to some special people who will be working closely with me to work
closely with you. You see no man works alone on such a great endeavour as learning how to survive.
No, I work alone as a team, and I’d like to introduce you to that team now. First off, our survival
expert Mr Donald Straite. Now Donald, do you have any survival tips that you’d like to share with
the team?

Donald stands

DONALD: Oh yes! My tip would be to stock up on food and supplies now. Tins of pilchards, cheese,
other food. You never know when the apocalypse is going to begin and you need to have supplies
prepared so that you’re not short.

Donald sits.

DALE: Thank you, Donald, wise words from a man who knows a lot about being short. Okay moving on,
Judy, the science expert. Judy, do you have anything you’d like to share?

Judy stands

JUDY: Oh yes! Recently I’ve been experimenting with the effectiveness of cattle prods as a
weapon and I have discovered that, at their highest setting, an industrial cattle prod
can fry a brain beyond repair in 3.2 seconds.

Judy sits

DALE: Thank you, Judy. Trying out the effectiveness of weapons is indeed important. And finally
Tristen, do you have anything to share with us?

Tristen stands

TRISTEN: Cattle prods hurt

Tristen sits

DALE: Okay, thank you, Tristen. Now, those of you who have taken part in our live seminar before
will know that before we get the teaching rolling there is something very important that we have to
get out of the way first, and that is teaching you what exactly you’ll be up against. You see,
there is the potential for many different kinds of zombie to rear their heads when the time comes,
and if we were to focus on all the different forms in the live seminar then things might get
slightly confusing. So, we chose to focus on one specific kind of zombie, a zombie that
has four specific rules attached to it. And before we begin teaching you how to survive, we’re
going to teach you what you’re surviving from. So this is the part that the avid learners amongst
you might want to start making notes.

123 ZOMBIE (The heading to this segment of the play might be displayed on an overhead projector or
flip chart)

Dale moves the lectern to FSL and Tristen, Judy and Donald each take a card from the lectern and
hold them so the numbers aren’t facing the audience. All the cards have numbers on. It is important
that the numbers are large and in a calculator font. Tristen is first in line and has ‘1’, Judy is
second in line and has ‘2’, Donald is third in line and has ‘0’

DALE: Okay, so the four rules that apply to the zombie we will be dealing with today are as
follows. Rule number One.

Tristen turns his card

TRISTEN: A zombie is dead.

DALE: Rule number one

TRISTEN: A zombie is dead

DALE: Yes, a zombie is dead! In some forms of media such as 28 days later, 28 weeks later, Left 4
Dead, Zombies are portrayed as live human beings that have been infected by some form of virus that
makes them crave human flesh or a little bit angry. These are not zombies. A live
human being who wants to eat another live human being is called a cannibal and this is
not ‘How To Survive A Cannibal Apocalypse’- that’s next year. So! Rule number one.

TRISTEN: A zombie is dead.

DALE: Good. So next up, it’s to do with how the infection is passed on. So, rule number two is…

Judy turns her card

JUDY: The infection is passed on by biting

DALE: Quite simply, if you are bitten by a zombie you will end up dead and you will reanimate as a
zombie. Okay, good. So moving on to the next rule. How do we destroy a zombie? Well, this is done
in a very specific way and is explained in rule number three.

Donald turns his card

DONALD: There is NO cure.

DALE: Whoa, wait a minute Donald… DONALD: There is no cure.

DALE: Donald, that’s rule number four. DONALD: Yes, but I’ve got O. Nooo Cure.

DALE: Yes, Donald I know that’s the one you’ve got, but you’re in position for rule number three.

DONALD: But I’ve got noooo cure.

DALE: But you can’t do rule number four before doing rule number three. DONALD: I haven’t got any
other rule.

TRISTEN: I could do rule number three!

DALE: Okay, well, do you have a number three card? TRISTEN: No.
Dale passes him a number three card off the lectern.

DALE: Okay, well you do rule number three, then. You do know rule number three don’t
you?

TRISTEN: Yes.

Dale turns back to the audience and doesn’t see Tristen move to the end of the line after Donald,
so Judy is first.

DALE: Okay, team, sorry about this. Just a bit of a mix up there. We’re going to start this again
so as not to get confused. The four rules are as follows. Rule number one…

Nothing

DALE: Rule number one?

Nothing

DALE: Judy. Rule number one. JUDY: I’m rule number two.
DALE: You’re in position for Rule number one. JUDY: Yes, but I’m rule number two.
DALE: I know that, but you’re in position for rule…. JUDY: I’m number two.
DALE: Right, well, who’s rule number one!

TRISTEN: I was doing rule number one, but you told me to do rule number three.

DALE: But you need to do rule number one. TRISTEN: Oh!

DONALD: No, I’m O- noooo cure.

Tristen moves back into position one.

DALE: Right, sorry about this, guys, we’ll start again. Rule number one. TRISTEN: A zombie is dead
DALE: Rule number two

JUDY: The infection is passed on by biting DALE: Rule number three.
DONALD: There is no cure.

DALE: Donald that’s rule number four! DONALD: Yes, but it’s all I’ve got. Noooo Cure.

DALE: Tristen, I thought you were doing rule number three. TRISTEN: You told me to do rule number
one.

DALE: But I expected you to move and do rule number three after doing rule number one.

TRISTEN: Well you didn’t explain that properly.

DALE: I tell you what, forget it, Judy, can you do rule number three?

Dale hands Judy another number three card. Judy goes to move.

JUDY: Of course.

DALE: Whoa! Don’t move yet. Don’t forget you’ve got to do rule number two first.

JUDY: Oh yes.

DALE: Okay, right, sorry about this, guys. We need to make sure this is right though, as we
wouldn’t want anyone getting confused at the importance of these rules. Okay, let’s start
again. Rule number one.

TRISTEN: A zombie is dead. DALE: Rule number two

JUDY: The infection is passed on by biting.

Judy moves into position on the other side of Donald

DALE: Rule number three DONALD: There is no cure. DALE: Donald!

DONALD: What? It’s all I’ve got! Can this not be rule number three? DALE: You’re not even in
position for rule number three, Donald.

DONALD: I’m not?

DALE: No, you’re in position for rule number two! DONALD: Am I?

DALE: Yes.

DONALD: That’s not right, is it? I think you must be getting mixed up Dr Dale.

DALE: Look! Can we just take a moment to get this sorted. Who is number two?

JUDY: I am.

DALE: Well you don’t want to be stood there, do you Judy? JUDY: No, sorry.
Judy moves back into the middle position for rule number two.

DALE: Right, so if you’re number one, Tristen and you’re number two Judy, who’s number three?

TRISTEN: Well I’m number three!

Dale gives Tristen another number three card

DALE: Well move into position for number three.

TRISTEN: Okay.

Tristen moves into position three at the end of the line.

DALE: Okay, that’s good, now who’s doing number one?

JUDY: Well now I’m in position for number one.

DALE: Do you mind doing number one? As you’re in that position. JUDY: Well on this occasion I
suppose I could.

Dale passes Judy another number one card

DALE: Just make sure you give Donald the number two card. JUDY: Right.

Judy gives Donald her number two card.

DONALD: Okay.

DALE: Now is everybody sorted? All: Yes.

DALE: The important thing is you just need to make sure you are in the correct position for the
rule you are giving out. Okay?

All: Right.

DALE: So, sorry about this guys. I think we’re finally ready to go through these rules, sorry
about the delay, but getting the details right is important. So! Rule number one!

Tristen moves back to stand next to Judy in position two

TRISTEN/JUDY: A zombie is dead DALE: Rule number two

Donald moves back in between Tristen and Judy

DONALD: The infection is passed on by biting.

DALE: Rule number three

Judy moves to stand in position three next to Tristen

TRISTEN/JUDY: You must destroy the brain

DALE: Rule number four

Donald moves to the end of the line into position three

DONALD: There is no cure.

DALE: excellent. Now those are the four rules that you need to remember as told to you by Donald,
Tristen and Judy.

The three of them muster to get into that order.

DALE: The thing you have to remember is that if you put all those rules together as one. There’s
only one thing they add up to.

The team hold all their cards up and it spells ‘ZOMBIE’

[end of extract]



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