How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse - RELOADED by Ben Muir

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This Play is the copyright of the Author and must not be Performed or Copied without the Author’s prior consent


  Characters

      Dr Dale Seslick
      The Seminar leader. Cool, Calm, Collected, Charismatic and many other
      words beginning with C. Fluent in zombie survival lore, he is never
      stumped for an answer. He treats his training seminars much like
      office training seminars with continual use of hand gestures and buzz
      words.

      Judy OíDea
      Dr Daleís second in command. She is scientific to a fault. Smart and
      to the point. She is the one who attempts to control the other two
      members of the team, although often gets drawn into the insanity
      unwillingly, but just continues to act and react as if everything was
      continuing normally.

      Donald Straite
      The aged survivalist has followed every conspiracy theory in the book
      and has attempted an succeeded many difficult training exercises (he
      once lived for seven days up a flag pole with nothing to eat but a
      cheese sandwich) Very, very, very keen to be involved in all aspects
      of training but can get easily distracted if there is a pretty lady in
      the audience.

      Tristen Granger
      Dr Daleís nephew. He tries so, so hard but has absolutely no idea
      what is going on at any point at all during the seminar. His stupidity
      is that of a childish wonderment - and he always tries to listen and
      understand whatís going onÖ until his mind drifts and he starts
      thinking about puppies and clouds.


      The Show

      As the audience enter the auditorium, they are greeted by Donald, Judy
      and Tristen who supply each of them with a double sided card. Each
      card has ĎAí printed on one side and ĎBí printed on the other


      Inside, the stage is set with a lectern centre and four chairs - two
      either side and slightly back from the Lectern.

      Around the walls of the auditorium, placed to look like theatre row
      allocations are 8 cards which say A1, B2, A3, B4, A5, B6, A7, B8
      (these cards can be altered dependant on the shape of the room as long
      as the letter and numbers correspond to the correct answer to each
      numbered question)

      Once the audience are in, the cast leave and the lights dim. The
      opening track begins and Judy, Donald and Tristen re-enter at the
      specific points in the music that reference their area of expertise.
      They sit on the chairs Donald Far SR, Judy Near SR, Tristen far SL.

      At the end of the music Dr Dale enters, and stands behind the
      lectern.

      DALE : Good evening and welcome to How To Survive a Zombie Apocalypse,
      Iím Dr Dale, author of Dr Daleís Zombie Dictionary and founder of
      the School of Survival or as we like to call it S.O.S (hand gesture)
      and Iím here to teach you today - How To Survive A Zombie
      Apocalypse. Now here at the School of SurvivalÖ or S.O.S. (hand
      gesture) we donít believe in just standing there and talking at you
      (hand gesture), expecting you to soak it all up like a sponge. No.
      Thatís not how we roll. (hand gesture) No - we believe in Inclusion
      with a capital I. (hand gesture) Working together as a team. Inviting
      you to participate. Invoking Team Work And Togetherness. (hand
      gesture). We expect you to get involved with us. Share your thoughts,
      theories and ideas. In fact, to start you off slowly, letís just try
      a little bit of that inclusion now. Very simple question for you. I
      want to know, how many people here believe that as of this moment that
      they could survive a zombie apocalypse.

      Audience put hands up. Dr Dale reacts accordingly with surprise or
      disappointment.

      DALE : Okay, well letís break this down shall we into separate
      levels of training. Just so we get an idea of how much we need to
      teach you. What kind of people are in here. Firstly, put your hand up
      if you really donít think you could survive at all. Youíre the
      kind of person that we might as well sacrifice for the good of all as
      soon as we hear the apocalypse has begun?

      Audience put hands up. Dale reacts accordingly.

      DALE : Okay, now how thinks they are at an intermediate level.
      Youíve got a good chance of survival. Youíve seen some zombie
      films, played zombie games, read zombie books. Youíve got a basic
      idea about the zombie mythology.

      Audience puts hands up and Dale reacts

      DALE : Okay, now who here believes they are a true expert. And by
      expert I mean you know what weapons youíd take, where youíd head
      to, which close family member youíd sacrifice if the need arose.

      Audience puts hands up

      DALE : Okay, thatís good. I tell you what, just stand up for me if
      you believe that you are a true survivor.

      Audience stands up

      DALE : I want everyone to see the confidence that seeps from your
      pores. Thatís it, everyone else, just take a look at these people.
      These are the people who are trained for survival, they think about
      how to react in the apocalypse every day and surely that should
      inspire the rest of you to pull your finger out and start learning how
      to survive because currently these are the people who will be left to
      build the human race! Is that what you want? These people! The future
      of civilisation?! No, I thought not, so that is why youíre all here
      today to learn so that it wonít be just these happy few repopulating
      together to rebuild humanity. Okay, thanks guys, sit yourselves down.

      Audience sit down

      DALE : Okay now we know a little bit about you. That weíve got some
      experts and remedials I think maybe itís time I introduced you to
      some special people who will be working closely with me to work
      closely with you. You see no man works alone on such a great endeavour
      as learning how to survive. No, I work alone as a team, and Iíd like
      to introduce you to that team now. First off, our survival expert Mr
      Donald Straite. Now Donald, do you have any survival tips that youíd
      like to share with the team?

      Donald stands

      DONALD : Oh yes! My tip would be to stock up on food and supplies now.
      Tins of pilchards, cheese, other food. You never know when the
      apocalypse is going to begin and you need to have supplies prepared so
      that youíre not short.

      Donald sits

      DALE : Thank you, Donald, wise words from a man who knows a lot about
      being short. Okay moving on, Judy, the science expert. Judy, do you
      have anything youíd like to share?

      Judy stands

      JUDY : Oh yes, recently Iíve been experimenting with the
      effectiveness of cattle prods as a weapon and I have discovered that
      at their highest setting an industrial cattle prod can fry a brain
      beyond repair in 3.2 seconds.

      Judy sits

      DALE : Thank you, Judy. Trying out the effectiveness of weapons is
      indeed important and finally Tristen, do you have anything to share
      with us?

      Tristen stands

      TRISTEN : Cattle prods hurt

      Tristen sits

      DALE : Okay, thank you, Tristen. Now, those of you who have taken part
      in our live seminar before will know that before we get the teaching
      rolling there is something very important that we have to get out of
      the way first and that is teaching you what exactly youíll be up
      against. You see, there is the potential for many different kinds of
      zombie to rear their heads when the time comes, and if we were to
      focus on all the different forms in the live seminar then things might
      get slightly confusing. So, we chose to focus on one specific kind of
      zombie, a zombie that has four specific rules attached to it. And
      before we begin teaching you how to survive weíre going to teach you
      what youíre surviving from. So this is the part that the avid
      learners amongst you might want to start making notes.

      123 ZOMBIE

      Dale moves the Lectern to FSL and Tristen, Judy and Donald each take a
      card from the lectern and hold them so the numbers arenít facing the
      audience. All the cards have numbers on and it is important that the
      numbers are large and in a calculator font. Tristen is first in line
      and has Ď1í Judy is second in line and has Ď2í Donald is third
      in line and has Ď0í

      DALE : Okay, so the four rules that apply to the zombie we will be
      dealing with today are as follows. Rule number One.

      Tristen turns his card

      TRISTEN : A zombie is dead.

      DALE : Rule number one

      TRISTEN : A zombie is dead

      DALE : Yes a zombie is dead! In some forms of media such as 28 days
      later, 28 weeks later, Left 4 Dead Zombies are portrayed as live human
      beings that have been infected by some form of virus that makes them
      crave human flesh or a little bit angry. These are not zombies. A live
      human being who wants to eat another live human being is called a
      cannibal and this is not ĎHow To Survive A Cannibal Apocalypseí
      thatís next year. So! Rule number one.

      TRISTEN : A zombie is dead.

      DALE : Good. So next up, itís to do with how the infection is passed
      on. So, rule number two isÖ

      Judy turns her card

      JUDY : The infection is passed on by biting

      DALE : Quite simply if you are bitten by a zombie you will end up dead
      and you will reanimate as a zombie. Okay, good. So moving on to the
      next rule. How do we destroy a zombie, well, this is done in a very
      specific way and is explained in rule number three.

      Donald turns his card

      DONALD : There is No cure.

      DALE : Whoa, wait a minute DonaldÖ

      DONALD : there is no cure.

      DALE : Donald, thatís rule number four.

      DONALD : Yes, but Iíve got O. Nooo Cure.

      DALE : Yes, Donald I know thatís the one youíve got, but youíre
      in position for rule number three.

      DONALD : But Iíve got noooo cure.

      DALE : But you canít do rule number four before doing rule number
      four.

      DONALD : I havenít got any other rule.

      TRISTEN : I could do rule number three!

      DALE : Okay, well, do you have a number three card?

      TRISTEN : No.

      Dale passes him a number three card of the lectern.

      DALE : Okay, well you do rule number three, then. You do know rule
      number three donít you?

      TRISTEN : Yes.

      Dale turns back to the audience and doesnít see Tristen move to the
      end of the line after Donald, so Judy is first.

      DALE : Okay, team, sorry about this. Just a bit of a mix up there.
      Weíre going to start this again so as not to get confused. The four
      rules are as follows. Rule number oneÖ..

      Nothing

      DALE : Rule number one?

      Nothing

      DALE : Judy. Rule number one.

      JUDY : Iím rule number two.

      DALE : Youíre in position for Rule number one.

      JUDY : Yes, but Iím rule number two.

      DALE : I know that, but youíre in position for ruleÖ.

      JUDY : Iím number two.

      DALE : Right, well, whoís rule number one!

      TRISTEN : I was doing rule number one, but you told me to do rule
      number three.

      DALE : But you need to do rule number one.

      TRISTEN : Oh!

      DONALD : No, Iím O- noooo cure.

      Tristen moves back into position one.

      DALE : Right, sorry about this guys, weíll start again. Rule number
      one.

      TRISTEN : A zombie is dead

      DALE : Rule number two

      JUDY : The infection is passed on by biting

      DALE : Rule number three.

      DONALD : There is no cure.

      DALE : Donald thatís rule number four!

      DONALD : Yes, but itís all Iíve got. Noooo Cure.

      DALE : Tristen, I thought you were doing rule number three.

      TRISTEN : You told me to do rule number one.

      DALE : But I expected you to move and do rule number three after doing
      rule number one.

      TRISTEN : Well you didnít explain that properly.

      DALE : I tell you what, forget it, Judy, can you do rule number
      three?

      Dale hands Judy another number three card. Judy goes to move.

      JUDY : Of course.

      DALE : Whoa! Donít move yet. Donít forget youíve got to do rule
      number two first.

      JUDY : Oh yes.

      DALE : Okay, right, sorry about this, guys. We need to make sure this
      is right, though, as we wouldnít want anyone getting confused at the
      importance of these rules. Okay, letís start again. Rule number
      one.

      TRISTEN : A zombie is dead.

      DALE : Rule number two

      JUDY : The infection is passed on by biting.

      Judy moves into position on the other side of Donald

      DALE : Rule number three

      DONALD : There is no cure.

      DALE : Donald!

      DONALD : What? Itís all Iíve got! Can this not be rule number
      three?

      DALE : Youíre not even in position for rule number three, Donald.

      DONALD : Iím not?

      DALE : No, youíre in position for rule number two!

      DONALD : Am I?

      DALE : Yes.

      DONALD : Thatís not right, is it, I think you must be getting mixed
      up Dr Dale.

      DALE : Look! Can we just take a moment to get this sorted. Who is
      number two?

      JUDY : I am.

      DALE : Well you donít want to be stood there, do you Judy.

      JUDY : No, sorry.

      Judy moves back into the middle position for rule number two.

      DALE : Right, so if youíre number one, Tristen and youíre number
      two Judy, whoís number three?

      TRISTEN : Well Iím number three!

      Dale gives Tristen another number three card

      DALE : Well move into position for number three.

      TRISTEN : Okay.

      Tristen moves into position three at the end of the line.

      DALE : Okay, thatís good, now whoís doing number one?

      JUDY : Well now Iím in position for number one.

      DALE : Do you mind doing number one? As youíre in that position.

      JUDY : Well on this occasion I suppose I could.

      Dale passes Judy another number one card

      DALE : Just make sure you give Donald the number two card.

      JUDY : Right.

      Judy gives Donald her number two card.

      DONALD : Okay.

      DALE : Now is everybody sorted.

      All : Yes.

      DALE : The important thing is you just need to make sure you are in
      the correct position for the rule you are giving out. Okay?

      All : Right.

      DALE : So, sorry about this guys. I think weíre finally ready to go
      through these rules, sorry about the delay, but getting the details
      right is important. So! Rule number one!

      Tristen moves back to stand next to Judy in position two

      TRISTEN/JUDY : A zombie is dead

      DALE : Rule number two

      Donald moves back in between Tristen and Judy

      DONALD : The infection is passed on by biting.

      DALE : Rule number three

      Judy moves to stand in position three next to Tristen

      TRISTEN/JUDY : You must destroy the brain

      DALE : Rule number four

      Donald moves to the end of the line into position three

      DONALD : There is no cure.

      DALE : excellent. Now those are the four rules that you need to
      remember as told to you by Donald, Tristen and Judy.

      The three of them muster to get into that order.

      DALE : The thing you have to remember is that if you put all those
      rules together as one. Thereís only one thing they add up to.

      The team hold all their cards up and it spells ĎZOMBIEí as in the
      picture below.

[end of extract]

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