How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse by Ben Muir


This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author’s PRIOR consent


      Dr Dale Seslick
      The Seminar leader. Cool, Calm, Collected, Charismatic and many other
      words beginning with C. Fluent in zombie survival lore, he is never
      stumped for an answer. He treats his training seminars much like
      office training seminars with continual use of hand gestures and buzz

      Judy O’Dea
      Dr Dale’s second in command. She is scientific to a fault. Smart and
      to the point. She is the one who attempts to control the other two
      members of the team, although often gets drawn into the insanity
      unwillingly, but just continues to act and react as if everything was
      carrying on normally.

      Donald Straite
      The aged survivalist has followed every conspiracy theory in the book
      and has attempted an succeeded many difficult training exercises (he
      once lived for seven days up a flag pole with nothing to eat but a
      cheese sandwich) Very, very, very keen to be involved in all aspects
      of training but can get easily distracted if there is a pretty lady in
      the audience.

      Tristen Granger
      Dr Dale’s nephew. He tries so, so hard but has absolutely no idea
      what is going on at any point at all during the seminar. His stupidity
      is that of a childish wonderment - and he always tries to listen and
      understand what’s going on… until his mind drifts and he starts
      thinking about puppies and clouds.

      The Show

      As the audience enter the auditorium, they are greeted by Donald, Judy
      and Tristen who supply each of them with sticky badges that they can
      write their names on.

      Inside, the stage is set with a lectern centre and four chairs - two
      either side and slightly back from the Lectern.

      Once the audience are in, the cast leave and the lights dim. The
      opening track begins and Judy, Donald and Tristen re-enter at the
      specific points in the music that reference their area of expertise.
      They sit on the chairs Donald Far SR, Judy Near SR, Tristen far SL.

      At the end of the music Dr Dale enters, and stands behind the

      DALE : Good evening and welcome to How To Survive a Zombie Apocalypse,
      I’m Dr Dale, author of Dr Dale’s Zombie Dictionary and founder of
      the School of Survival or as we like to call it S.O.S (hand gesture)
      and I’m here to teach you today - How To Survive A Zombie
      Apocalypse. Now here at the School of Survival… or S.O.S. (hand
      gesture) we don’t believe in just standing there and talking at you
      (hand gesture), expecting you to soak it all up like a sponge. No.
      That’s not how we roll. (hand gesture) No - we believe in Inclusion
      with a capital I. (hand gesture) Working together as a team. Inviting
      you to participate. Invoking Team Work And Togetherness. (hand
      gesture). We expect you to get involved with us. Share your thoughts,
      theories and ideas. In fact, to start you off slowly, let’s just try
      a little bit of that inclusion now. Very simple question for you. I
      want to know, how many people here believe that as of this moment that
      they could survive a zombie apocalypse.

      Audience put hands up. Dr Dale reacts accordingly with surprise or

      DALE : Okay, well let’s break it down shall we, let’s put this in
      levels. Let’s see what varying degrees of survival expertise we have
      here. Now put your hands up if you truly believe you could survive.
      Now when I say truly believe I mean you know where you’d go, you
      know what weapons you’d use, you know which family member you’d

      Audience put hands up. Dale reacts accordingly.

      DALE : Okay, now how thinks they are at an intermediate level.
      You’ve got a good chance of survival. You’ve seen some zombie
      films, played zombie games, read zombie books. You’ve got a basic
      idea about the zombie mythology.

      Audience puts hands up and Dale reacts

      DALE : Okay, now who here couldn’t care less about the zombie
      apocalypse and has been dragged along here by someone else against
      their will?

      Audience puts hands up - usually it requires encouragement from Dale
      to keep their hands up.

      DALE : Okay, that’s good, no, be honest, keep your hands up, we need
      to see what levels we’re dealing with here today, nobody’s going
      to make fun of you. (Points at one person) okay. Stand up! Now don’t
      be alarmed, we’re not here to embarrass you, everyone just turn and
      look at this person. Look at them closely. Stare at them. You see this
      person here shouldn’t be mocked for coming here with no natural
      awareness of the fact that they would die the moment the apocalypse
      began. Now, this person should be applauded. Applauded for not only
      their honesty, but realising that they had a problem and acting on it.
      Acting on the fact they know nothing and coming here to join us to
      learn and ultimately thrive and survive when the dead revive. So give
      them a round of applause.

      As the applause begins Tristen stands up and starts singing

      TRISTEN : You’re special! You’re special! You’re a very special
      girl! You’re e Special! You’re a very Special girl!

      DALE : Tristen…. Tristen! What did we say about the special song? We
      said we wouldn’t sing it anymore didn’t we…. It can mean other

      Tristen sits slightly confused but in agreement

      DALE : Okay now we know a little bit about you. That we’ve got some
      experts and remedials I think maybe it’s time I introduced you to
      some special people who will be working closely with me to work
      closely with you. You see no man works alone on such a great endeavour
      as learning how to survive. No, I work alone as a team, and I’d like
      to introduce you to that team now. First off, our survival expert Mr
      Donald Straite.

      Donald Stands and steps forward

      DONALD : Hello, I’m Donald Straite, and I’m a survival expert. Do
      you know. I once survived for a week on just a cheese sandwich. A
      week. Yes.

      DALE : Thank you, Donald.

      Donald sits

      DALE : Donald is our survival expert, an expert indeed, as you can
      see, so far he has survived a very, very long time. Next up is My
      Science expert, Judy O’Dea.

      JUDY : Hello, I’m Judy O’Dea

      Judy stands up and steps forward

      JUDY : Hello, I’m Judy O’Dea and I do experiments and things.

      Judy sits down

      DALE : Okay, thank you Judy, and finally. Tristen.

      Tristen stands up

      TRISTEN : Hello! I’m Tristen. Judy does experiments on me.

      Tristen sits

      DALE : Now, of course, we don’t just experiment on Tristen at the
      School of Survival. Obviously, the very nature of learning how to
      survive a zombie apocalypse is that there hasn’t been one yet, so no
      actual zombies exist at the moment so we have to do a lot of
      theorising, experimentation and looking on Wikipedia. As there are no
      live (or dead) zombie specimens around we do do some experimentation
      on Tristen, but nothing to dangerous… we do those kinds of
      experiments on the homeless. No, it’s fine. Completely fine. Nobody
      notices when they go missing and they’ll do anything for a sandwich.
      Now - we’ve all met each other, we all know what we’re here for, I
      think that the first thing to do is discover all about what a zombie


      The team get into position. Dale remains at the lectern. Donald stands
      POSITION A far SR to Dale at the front of the stage (preferably near a
      female audience member of a legal age), Judy stands POSITION B far SL
      at the front of the stage and Tristen sits POSITION C in the front row
      of the audience directly in front of Dr Dale (or several rows back if
      there is a centre aisle)

      DALE : You see, if you’ve done any research into zombies, you’ll
      know that there are several different forms a zombie could take.
      There’s parasitic, viral, genetic, supernatural, dead, undead….
      But here at the School of Survival we deal with only one specific kind
      of zombie so we know where to focus our research and keep the
      variables at a minimum and that particular zombie has four rules
      attached to it that we’re going to go through now. If you’re
      planning to make notes then now might be a good time to start….
      Okay! Rule Number One : A Zombie is -

      Dale points to Donald

      DONALD : Dead!

      DALE : A zombie is…

      Dale points to Donald

      DONALD : Dead.

      DALE : Thank you Donald. Yes a zombie is dead! In some forms of media
      such as 28 days later, 28 weeks later, Left 4 Dead Zombies are
      portrayed as live human beings that have been infected by some form of
      virus that makes them crave human flesh or a little bit angry. These
      are not zombies. A live human being who wants to eat another live
      human being is called a cannibal and this is not ‘How To Survive A
      Cannibal Apocalypse’ that’s next year. So! Rule number one. A
      zombie is…

      Dale points at Donald

      DONALD : Dead!

      DALE : Excellent!  Rule number two concerns how one becomes a zombie.
      Now in the cases of other zombies it could be because of a virus, it
      could be radioactive gas, it could be magic space dust or a parasite
      could attach itself to your head like a jaunty hat. But in the case of
      our zombie. The infection is passed on by…

      Dale points at Judy

      JUDY : Biting!

      DALE : Which means if you are…

      Dale points at Judy

      JUDY : Bitten

      DALE : by a zombie you will end up…

      Dale points at Donald

      DONALD : Dead.

      DALE : Very good. So next up we’re going to learn how to kill a
      zombie. Well, we know that we can’t technically kill a zombie
      because it is already…

      Dale points at Donald

      DONALD : Dead.

      DALE : But we can stop it in its tracks. Stop it being a threat.
      Annihilate it and we do this by destroying the…

      Dale points at Tristen. Donald also mouths the answer to a female
      audience member sat near him.

      TRISTEN : Brain.

      DALE : Yes we must…..

      TRISTEN : Dr Dale! Dr Dale!

      DALE : What?

      TRISTEN : Donald said it too. I thought Brian was supposed to be

      DALE : Did you Donald?

      DONALD : Well, yes, I was just helping Tristen out.

      TRISTEN : I need your help! Brain is mine. Tell him, Dr Dale.

      DALE : Donald, we did say that we’d let Tristen have a go this
      evening didn’t we.

      DONALD : Yes, I suppose.

      DALE : Right, we’ll try it again. You must destroy the…

      TRISTEN : Brain!

      Donald mouths it to the woman again

      TRISTEN : He did it again!

      DALE : Right, Donald. I know exactly what this is. That lady is
      obviously trying to distract you. She’s been flirting since you sat
      down, Donald.

      DONALD : Well, I…..

      DALE : That’s no excuse, though, Donald, we talked about this
      earlier. Tristen is the brains and you’re dead.

      DONALD : Yes, I know, but…

      DALE : No buts, I want you to move away from her. I will have no
      distraction in my seminars. Donald, go and stand over there (Points to
      position B) Judy you come over here and keep an eye on her (Position
      A) and if there’s any more trouble from her you know what to do.

      JUDY : Oh yes, Dr Dale.

      Judy and Donald swap places so Donald is now at B and Judy is at A

      DALE : Okay, right, well, I think we all need to know now that it is
      the brain that needs to be destroyed in order to stop a zombie. The
      brain being the zombie’s Achilles heel. Although the Brain isn’t
      in the heel, it’s actually in the area of your head which is that
      place above your shoulders with your face attached…. But if you
      needed to know that you really are beyond help… Okay! So we now we
      must destroy the…

      Dale points at Tristen

      TRISTEN : Brain

      DALE : Because if you don’t you’ll end up…

      Dale points at Donald. Donald just stares back at him.

      DALE : Donald?

      DONALD : Yes?

      DALE : I pointed.

      DONALD : Yes, no, I know, it’s just I wasn’t sure if you wanted me
      to say it or not because I was stood over there before and now
      you’re pointing over here which is where you usually point if….

      DALE : Donald, Donald, Donald, okay, right, it’s fine, I can see why
      you’d get confused. Would it help if I pointed over here? (Points at
      Position A / Judy)

      DONALD : Oh, yes, would you, that would be really helpful.

      DALE : Okay Fine…. If you don’t destroy it you will end up…

      Dale points at Position A / Judy - both Donald and Judy respond at the
      same time

      (DONALD : Dead
      (JUDY : Bitten

      DALE : Judy, what are you doing?

      JUDY : You pointed at me.

      DALE : Yes, but I was asking for Donald. Donald was getting confused
      you see, so he needs me to point over here.

      JUDY : But I’m likely to get confused if you point at me and mean
      Donald, I look nothing like Donald…

      DALE : Well, right, fine. Why don’t you move and find somewhere out
      there (points at audience)

      JUDY : But Tristen is sat out there. Then that might get confusing, we
      won’t know who you’re pointing at.

      TRISTEN : I won’t get confused.

      DALE : You won’t get confused?

      TRISTEN : No.

      DALE : Right, well, why don’t you come and stand here where Judy was
      (POSITION A) and Judy you go down there (POSITION C) Is that okay?

      Tristen and Judy swap places so that Judy is now in position C and
      Tristen is in position A

      JUDY : Yes, that’s fine. I think I can cope with being mistaken for
      Tristen, he’s younger.

      DONALD : What are you saying?

      DALE : Can we get on! Right! Everyone happy? Good. Let’s get to rule
      four. Now rule four is the most important rule of all, it will help
      you map out your entire zombie survival plan. It will make you realise
      the answers to some difficult decisions that have to be made. It is
      the very epicentre of the survival movement because Rule number four
      is : There is no…

      Dale holds his arms out to encompass Donald, Tristen and Judy


      DALE : There is no…

      Dale motions to all at once


      The next segment is performed seamlessly at top speed with no pauses
      or breaks or confusion

      DALE : So if someone is…  points at B (Donald)

      JUDY : Bitten

      DALE : They will end up… points at A (Tristen)

      DONALD : Dead

      DALE : and you will have to destroy their…. Points at C (Judy)

      TRISTEN : Brain

      DALE : if you don’t destroy their…. Points at C (Judy)

      TRISTEN : Brain

      DALE : Then you will end up…. Points at B (Donald)

      JUDY : Bitten

      DALE : and you will end up… Points at A (Judy)

      DONALD : Dead

      DALE : Once you are…. Points at A (Judy)

      DONALD : Dead

      DALE : You will go around…. Points at B (Tristen)

      JUDY : Biting

      DALE : Other people until someone destroys your… points at C (Judy)

      TRISTEN : Brain

      DALE : Because there is no ….. motions to all


      DALE : Now I hope that’s clear.


      DALE : Okay. So now we’ve discovered what kind of zombie we’ll be
      up against I think it’s time that we started to learn exactly how

      An alarm begins to sound continually.
      All on stage look concerned or worried. Tristen runs out of the room
      for a second and then returns to the stage.
      Donald goes to a female member of the audience and tells her not to
      Dale and Judy discuss what the noise is

      Dale cuts the alarm off with a hand gesture

      DALE : What’s that Judy?

      JUDY : It’s the zombie alarm.

      DALE : The zombie alarm. What does that mean?

      JUDY : It can mean only one thing! The zombie apocalypse has begun!

      DALE : The zombie apocalypse has begun!

      They all pose with shocked expressions on their faces. Then break it

      DALE : But not really. You see what that alarm was , well, it was to
      signal to us the beginning of….

      JUDY : Dr Dale.

      DALE : Yes, Judy?

      JUDY : Er…. It’s Donald.

      DALE : Donald? (spots Donald) Donald! Donald!

      DONALD : Oh, yes?

      DALE : What are you doing?

      DONALD : Well, the zombie apocalypse has begun, you know I was talking
      to this woman here and we were,…..

      DALE : Why?

      DONALD : Well, you know, when the zombie apocalypse starts we need to
      start thinking about repopulation.

      DALE : Donald, but you know this is just a simulation, right?

      DONALD : Yes, but she doesn’t.

      DALE : Donald! Get back here!

      Donald comes back to the stage

      DALE : Yes, a simulation. That’s what we’re doing. It’s no
      longer about teaching you how to survive we are also going to see
      which of you will survive. Through a series of questions posed to you,
      simulated situations and scenes presented to you whereby you have to
      make a decision, we will discover which of you would live and which of
      you would die. Now, obviously you may be wondering how we’re going
      to do that, we can’t just kill you as that would be wrong. But this
      is where the name stickers come in. We didn’t give them to you so we
      could learn your names. Why on earth would we want to learn your
      names. No, the real reason is that if you are wearing your name badge
      then you are still alive. If you answer a question that is posed to
      you tonight incorrectly then you will remove your name tag and you
      will end up dead. If you make a wrong decision in one of the sequences
      we present to you, you will end up dead, if, during the Q & A segment
      you ask a stupid question you will remove your name sticker and you
      will end up dead. If you happen to have stood up at the beginning up
      the seminar and admitted to not caring about the zombie apocalypse
      then you will remove your name sticker and you will be dead.

      Dale points at the person who the audience applauded in the intro

      DALE : I’m afraid you’re dead. Please remove your sticker.

[end of extract]