Heck the Dolls with Chardonnay by Lou Clyde


This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent


Sue Griffin (Old Sue): a woman in her 70's, living in a retirement home

Emma Hanner: 17 year old granddaughter of Sue

Sue Griffin (Younger): 48-year old mom of 2 kids

Bob Griffin: 49, married to Sue, Scott Hayes offstage voice, and Best
Buy guy played by one actor

Becky Hayes: 39-year old best friend of Sue

Rhonda: 50 year-old Radiation tech, Retirement Home Announcer,

Shopper, and Old Becky played by one actor


The set should be simple with the scenes moving back and forth from
the Retirement Home to flashback scenes. Movement between scenes
should be almost cinematic (lights down on one scene while up on
next). Nothing should stop the action of the play.

Thirty years in the future.


Scene 1

Lights rise as EMMA HANNER (17) enters the room of SUE GRIFFIN (Mid
70's) at the Aged Oaks Retirement Home. Old Sue is sitting on an
easy chair reading a magazine. A blanket rests on her lap.

EMMA: Hey Grandma!

OLD SUE: (Looking up) Oh, hi Emma. I wasn't expecting you.

EMMA: (Kisses Sue on her cheek) I know. I was in the neighborhood.

OLD SUE: (Suspiciously) What? Are you shopping for apartments?
(Beat) I don't think they have any openings at this palace, although
you never know when someone's gonna croak.

EMMA: (Takes seat in chair next to Sue) So how are you Grandma?

OLD SUE: (Blows into hand) Still breathing.

EMMA: Good! (Beat) Well, what's new?

OLD SUE: (Sarcastically) Won at bingo last week.

EMMA: You did? What did you win?

OLD SUE: Travelling trophy.

EMMA: Can I see?

OLD SUE: Nope. It travelled to Betty Simonich. She won this morning.

ANNOUNCER: Attention residents. This is the final reminder for our
Tuesday Night craft extravaganza. Come on down to the gathering room
to make your very own Glitter Macaroni Cork Reindeer. This will be
the last craft extravaganza in 2047, so don't miss it. Cookies will
be served.

EMMA: Grandma, do you want to go?

OLD SUE: Hell, no. I'd rather get a root canal.

EMMA: Oh. (Beat) Sorry you couldn't come to Thanksgiving dinner
with us.

OLD SUE: Whatever.

EMMA: I wish we didn't have to go to Gramma Hanner's house this
year. (Whispers) Her house smells.

OLD SUE: What's it smell like?

EMMA: I don't know. A cross between dirty laundry and cinnamon.
And cats.


EMMA: How was your Thanksgiving?

OLD SUE: Outstanding. Fresh squeezed turkey loaf and mashed potatoes.
(Beat) And Girl Scouts.

EMMA: Girl Scouts?

OLD SUE: Yeah. Hundreds of them. Singing Christmas carols. They
sounded like a bunch of chipmunks.

EMMA: (Giggles)

OLD SUE: I unplugged my hearing aid. (Reaches up to her ear to
demonstrate how to adjust the volume) They sounded much better when I
couldn't hear'm.

EMMA: I'll bet.

OLD SUE: (Sits up straighter) OK- enough stalling. How was
Millie's turkey?

(It becomes clear that Old Sue's mad that they went to the other
Grandma's for Thanksgiving leaving her stuck at Aged Oaks Retirement

EMMA: Kind of dry. (Trying not to be mean)

OLD SUE: How dry?

EMMA: Well (In a whisper) it was hard to swallow. (Looks around) I
think there's still some stuck to the roof of my mouth.

OLD SUE: (Laughs) Good. More. Tell me more.

EMMA: Well, the mashed potatoes were lumpy.

OLD SUE: (Smiling) What about the beans?

EMMA: (Smiles, knowing she's making Grandma happy) Over-cooked.

OLD SUE: The pie?

EMMA: No pie. She forgot about dessert.


EMMA: I know, right?

OLD SUE: How can you forget dessert?

EMMA: I think she was in way over her head.

OLD SUE: She's been cooking turkeys for what.90 years? You'd
think she'd have mastered it by now.

EMMA: Too bad you weren't there to help with dinner.

OLD SUE: Fat chance. (Beat) Hey, did I ever tell you about the time
my old friend Becky made her first turkey?

EMMA: (Hides a smile) Tell me again. I love that story.

OLD SUE: If you insist. (Sitting up straight) Now, Becky had always
gone to her sister's house for Thanksgiving. And I had a hard time
believing that at 40 she'd never cooked a turkey before!

Lights Slow Fade to black on Retirement Home while rising on Hayes'

Scene 2

Lights rise on the Hayes' kitchen. BECKY HAYES (39) and SUE (48)
are standing behind a kitchen island. Becky looks as though she's
been through a war. Her pony tail is sticking straight up. SUE
appears completely relaxed. They each hold a glass of wine.

SUE: I find it hard to believe that at 40 you've never cooked a
turkey before.

BECKY: Hey! I'm 39, thank you very much. And in my defense, we
always go to my sister's house. All I had to bring was the pie. I
make a kick-ass pumpkin pie, by the way.

SUE: (Surprised) Really?

BECKY:courtesy of Publix.

SUE: (Shakes her head and chuckles) Remind me why you didn't go to
her house this year?

BECKY: They went on a cruise. (Finishes glass; pours another). Damn

(Bob, offstage, reacts loudly to a bad call on football game.)

SUE: (Looking over her shoulder) Damn football! (Beat) So, cooking
the turkey wasn't as hard as you thought, right?

BECKY: (Disbelieving look) Seriously? I had to take a class.

SUE: What? They have classes? Where'd you take it?

BECKY: YouTube. (Sue chuckles in disbelief) Yeah, I know. But hey-
the class was only seven minutes and 27 seconds. (Beat) Of course I
had to watch it 15 times. Spent nearly two hours watching that damn

SUE: Why? Was it porn?

BECKY: (Ignoring Sue) I set the iPad right in front of me on the
counter. And it's a damn good thing I did because cooking a turkey
is complicated.

SUE: What's so complicated about it? (Stifles a laugh) Sorry Becks,
but there's really not that much to it.

BECKY: (Picks up the turkey baster and levels it at Sue) Don't make
me beat you with this.

SUE: (Laughing, tops off Becky's wine glass) There, there now. Tell
Sue all about it.

BECKY: Where do I start? I didn't even think I'd get it out of
the packaging. First off, you have to cut away those little plastic
fishnet nylon thingees that they shove the bird into. Then there's
plastic wrap underneath the fishnets. I mean, really! How are you
supposed to remove all that, without giving the poor turkey a flesh
wound? By the time I got it free of the packaging I was ready to
throw up.

SUE: Wow. You got the turkey out of the packaging AND you lived to
tell the tale.

BECKY: (Points turkey baster at Sue) It gets worse. (Sips her wine)
So, I put the turkey in the sink. The YouTube video guy- did I tell
you his name was Sal? I mean who names their son Sal?

SUE: Sounds like he should be teaching you how to make a pizza.

BECKY: I know, right! So anyway, Sal tells me to take the
"contents" out of the turkey's insides. I had to stick my hands
into the turkeys'. nether regions (Gags)

SUE: Deep breaths. (Hands Becky her wine glass) Big swig. (They both
clink then drink)

BECKY: And you would not believe what I found inside.

SUE: What?

BECKY: (Stage whisper) Its penis.

SUE: (Gasps; Exaggerated) No!

BECKY: It was like Lorena Bobbett had gone to town on that poor guy.
And I had to take it out (Shaking head) No way I was touching that.

SUE: (Suppressing laughter) What did you do?

BECKY: I used an inside out bag. Like when I pick up Bluie's poop
at the dog park.

SCOTT (from offstage) Hey Becky! Can you make me a turkey sandwich?

BECKY: (To Sue) Seriously? (Picks up baster and "shoots" him;
Loud toward offstage
living room) You just finished eating 20 minutes ago!

SUE: Are you sure it was a penis? I'm pretty sure they don't put
the turkey's penis inside its cavity.

BECKY: For God's sake, Sue. I'm not three years old. I think I
can recognize a penis when I see one.

SUE: A turkey's penis? I'm not sure I would.

BECKY: It was a penis. I'm positive.

SUE: What did you do with it?

BECKY: I threw it in the trash.

SUE: Can I see it? (Becky pulls the bag out of the trash and hands it
to Sue. Sue Sizes it up, holds it in 'position', giggles, then
snorts) Does Scott's penis really look like this? This I gotta see.
(Toward Living Room) Hey Scott! Would you come in here for a

BECKY: Shut up!

SCOTT: What for?

BECKY: Forget it. Nothing.

SUE: That's the turkey's neck, genius.

BECKY: Shut the front door! (Defensively) Well, neck, penis- who
cares. It's still an amputated body part that shouldn't be
stuffed inside the turkey's torso.

SUE: Terrible.

BECKY: But wait; it gets better. (Considers) Or worse. (Considers)
Anyway, I decided to stuff the turkey. Sal told me I should. Oh my
God! I watched that damn video 10 times just to figure out which end
was up! I mean really, how can you tell?

SUE: What do you mean?

BECKY: I was dealing with a turkey torso. No head! If it had a head
I would have known which end was up. (Growing more excited) And there
was not one, but two cavities. And, of course, his penis was missing,
so that wasn't much help, now was it?

SCOTT: Becky, could you hurry it up with that sandwich? I'm

BOB: Hey Sue, could you grab me a beer?

SUE: Just a second, Bob. (To Becky) So, did you get it stuffed?

BECKY: Yep. I stuffed both holes. (Beat) And if that wasn't bad
enough I had to (Gags again)sew him closed.

SUE: (Shaking head) That's why I don't stuff turkeys.

BECKY: Tell me about it. Sal told me I had to close the doors on
those nether regions. (Disgusted face) There were these little flaps
of skin.

SUE: (Covers ears) La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

BOB: Sue! Can I have that beer sometime this quarter?

SUE: (To both Bob and Becky): We wouldn't want to miss a second of
the game now, would we?

BECKY: Anyway, I was just about to put it in the oven when I realized
that the cooking time was based on how much the turkey weighed. And I
had no idea how big it was.

SUE: It's written on the package.

BECKY: (Puts arm around Sue) Sue, Sue, Sue Remember the great
struggle to free the turkey of his fishnets and plastic (Holds up the
remains of the destroyed packaging)

SUE: Oh yeah. (Beat) So what'd you do? Guess?

BECKY: No. I sat him on the bathroom scale. (Shakes head) What a

SUE: I can only imagine.

BECKY: But I finally got him in the oven.

SUE: I thought it was delicious. What did you think?

BECKY: It was good. Surprisingly good. (Puffs up) Actually, I'd
say it was excellent. But I'm not sure it was worth the permanent
psychological damage I've sustained.

(Bob and Scott cheer for touchdown)

SCOTT: Hey Becky! Where's my sandwich?

BECKY: (Perturbed a moment, then smiles) Coming right up! (To Sue)
Hand me that loaf of bread will ya?

(Sue hands her the bread. Becky opens the package and lays a piece on
a paper plate. She pulls the turkey neck out of the bag and slaps it
on the bread and covers it with another piece of bread. She grabs a
beer AND HEADS offstage with sandwich and beer)

SUE: (Laughing, adds wine to each of their glasses as Becky's out of
the room. Upon Becky's return) So..you survived your first
turkey. Think you'll do it again next year?

BECKY: (Shaking head) I don't think||

SCOTT: ||Hey, Becky. This sandwich is great! Love the texture of the

BECKY: (Considers) You know what? (Mischievous grin) Maybe I will.

[end of extract]


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