Emperor May & A Play About Theresa May by Amie Marie

This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent

A small stage

One cold-white light on the centre, where a broom stands. The broom has a black jacket and NHS badge

At the very back of the stage, a backdrop is hung between two coat stands, with the cloth bearing the words “Tory Land of Glory”

A JUNIOR DOCTOR CLOWN enters. Sweeps. Looks around. Then kicks over
the broom, and flees from the stage.

CLOWN: Fuck you Jeremy Hunt!

The JUNIOR DOCTOR CLOWN exits.

THERESA MAY enters. She spots the broom.

MAY: Oh, Jeremy, Jeremy. What have they done to you? Who knew doctors
– even junior ones – had so much – Oh, Hunty, you flatter me.
Come, come.

MAY smiles coyly, and caresses the jacket. The broom is carefully
raised to its ‘feet’, jacket brushed, and gently led away to leave
the stage. MAY turns to give speech to the audience, as if at a
podium. She clears her throat.

MAY: I follow in the footsteps of a great, modern prime minister.
Under David Cameron’s leadership, the government stabilized the
economy, reduced the budget deficit, and helped more people into work
than ever before. But David's true legacy is not about the economy,
but about social justice. If you're just about managing I want to
address you directly. I know you're working around the clock, I know
you're doing your best, and I know that sometimes, life can be a
struggle. The government I lead will be driven not by the interests of
a privileged few, but by yours. That means fighting against the
burning injustice that if you are born poor, you will die on average
nine years earlier than others. If you're black, you're treated more
harshly by the criminal justice system than if you are white. If
you're a white, working-class boy, you're less likely than anyone else
in Britain to go to university. If you're at a state school, you're
less likely to reach the top professions than if you were educated
privately.

The GHOST OF TORY PAST [henceforth ‘GOTP’] floats above the
backdrop, flapping a bin-bag cape. He makes a howling sound. Pause.
MAY pauses, but does not look.

MAY: If you are a woman,

GOTP enters the stage, sneakily if not for the bin-bag-cape, and howls
again. MAY pauses again, but does not look behind her.

MAY: You will earn less than a man.

GOTP howls, louder. MAY looks around but cannot see the source. She
continues.

MAY: If you suffer from mental health problems,

GOTP has brought a step ladder on stage. With a loud slam, he places
it on the stage. MAY startles at the sound, looks over her shoulder.

GOTP freezes. She doesn’t see him.

MAY: There's not enough help to hand.

GOTP howls again, now stood on the step ladder. MAY doesn’t look.
She takes a deep breath in.

MAY: If you're young,

GOTP shuffles the step ladder forward and closer to MAY. He howls. MAY
looks the wrong way.

MAY: You'll find it harder than ever before to own your own home.

GOTP howls, very loud and drawn out. MAY finally spots him. She makes
a sound of victory. Then confusion.

MAY: Are you on a ladder?

GOTP: No! I’m levitating, for I am the ghost of Tory past!

Silence. GOTP howls again.

MAY: If you’re the ghost of Tory past, then where’s the ghost of
Tory future?

GOTP: He’s not here, we can’t afford a third person.

BOTH: Austerity.

MAY: That makes sense. So, you come with a message for me?

GOTP: A warning!

MAY: A warning! Oh, I don’t like that.

GOTP: I am the Ghost of Tory Past and I bring you a Warning, about
Brexit – Brexit means Brexit, not soft Brexit, not flaccid Brexit,
but hard, hard, super, missionary, hard, straight down, Brexit. Not a
night at the club, doing shots, see a pretty, sexy Brexit, say hi,
we’re drinking tequila, would you like to come back to mine for some
unprotected Brexit?

MAY: Are we doing that or not? I didn’t follow.

GOTP: NO! We are not doing that.

MAY: Oh, ok so only a hard, hard, missionary, Brexit, after marriage.

GOTP: No, not after marriage, during marriage.

MAY: Yes, you’re right, after would mean a divorce or necrophilia
or both, and let’s not.

GOTP: I don’t believe in divorce anyway. Or abortion.

MAY: Brexit - we need a Brexit!

MAY moves into the audience’s space to get an audience member.

MAY: No, not you. No, no. Oh, you’ll do!

They return to the stage together.

MAY: How does one marry a concept?

GOTP: On one knee. You need to get engaged first.

MAY: Oh, ok.

MAY kneels.

MAY: What next? Wait, can I ask or should they? What gender is
Brexit, is this a lesbian situation?

GOTP: No, Brexit is non-binary

MAY: Even worse. Now what?

GOTP: Say “Brexit”

MAY: Brexit

GOTP: “Will you marry me?”

MAY: Will you – ah, should I wine and dine and woo Brexit first?

GOTP: No. No wine and dine and woo, Brexit is a slut, she knows what
she’s doing. Hurry up, don’t get cold feet.

MAY: Brexit, will you marry me?

GOTP: (aside) yes!

MAY: Oh wonderful! You’ve made me the happiest Conservative.

GOTP: You’re not married yet, turn around.

The GHOST OF TORY PAST hums a speedy rendition of Richard Wagner’s
“Bridal Chorus”.

GOTP: Ok, Theresa Mary May, do you take Brexit – British Exit of
the European Union, to be your lawfully wedded concept?

MAY: I do.

GOTP: Brexit, do you take Theresa Mary May to be your lawfully wedded
concept leader?

The audience member does not get the chance to object.

MAY: You will?

GOTP: Right, now that I’ve made you do that -

MAY: Wait, made me? Hold on, you look a lot like the MP of North East
Somerset? Jacob Reese Mogg?

GOTP: I need to go! The nanny of my eight children is outside and she
can’t find a parking space, dreadful, dreadful. Fear me! If you fuck
this up, I’ll be in charge! Long live god, king, and country.

MAY: Ugh, backbenchers.

MAY graciously allows ‘Brexit’ the audience member to return to
their seat. She then resumes her speech.

MAY: As I was saying. We are living through an important moment in
our country's history. Following the referendum we face a time of
great national change. And I know because we're Great Britain, we will
rise to the challenge. As we leave the European Union, we will forge a
bold, new positive role for ourselves in the world. And we will make
Britain a country that works not for a privileged few, but for every
one of us.

TWO PINTS GARAGE [henceforth ‘TPG’] bursts in, loud. He has a full
pint in each hand.

TPG: Taking back our country, getting back our sovereignty,
controlling our borders. Theresa May! Theresa May! I invented Brexit.

MAY: Well-well, Two-Pints Garage! I married Brexit so that makes you
my father-in-law, oh god. In any case, as I’ve made clear before,
you’re irrelevant now. I’m the one who will deliver a successful
Brexit for the people.

TPG: Any Romanians here? Romanians are the worst.

MAY: They voted remain. Nonetheless, as I’ve made clear, I’m
giving a speech, addressing the public.

TPG: Yes because you copied me! And since I’m the secret to your
success, I’ve come to tell you something.

TPG passes a drink to MAY. She takes it automatically.

TPG: Do not, Theresa May, do not be a coward.

TPG lunges towards MAY and results in having an arm around her
shoulder. He shakes her at times, giving her a side-hug, and gestures
with his remaining pint.

TPG: Don’t be scared of the threats of a hard border between
Northern Ireland and the republic. Don’t pay a £40 billion divorce
bill, though I know you want to – Theresa the Appeaser.

TPG spills some of his drink on MAY and turns away from her,
dominating the stage. MAY tries to reclaim the space, but is subverted
effortlessly.

TPG: Ensure no regulatory alignment with the European Union on
fishing quotas. Do not keep us in the single market. Do not
participate in some kind of public humiliation whereby you’ll have
to negotiate on their terms. No transition phase. Remember, no deal is
better than a bad deal. If Brexit needs to be fought all over again
there will be riots in the streets.

Finally, manic TPG comes to a standstill, MAY positioned behind him,
with his arms raised victoriously in the air. The last of his drink
lands entirely on MAY.

TPG: See the job through! Make Brexit mean Brexit. You’re just like
us, Theresa. We’re all the same, UKIP and Tories.

[End of Extract]

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