Ed Sheeran Tastes Like Chicken by Alister Emerson
ACT I. Sc 1. Ed Watching
H: Welcome to the Gingernut Café miniature Ed Sheeran watching tours.
My name's H and this is Piko, we'll be your guides, please pay
attention to the following safety briefing. We recommend a woolly hat,
waterproof layer, windshell and warm thermal layer.
PIKO: What if your hat is woolly on the outside, mine has fluff on the
H: Thanks for your question Piko, that'll be fine. The miniature Ed
Sheeran's are peaceful but are wild creatures and may act
unpredictably. The other hazards in the bush you need to be aware of
are tree roots and slippery rocks which can cause ankle sprains, and
the genetically modified giant panda bears.
ROGER: Did you just say 'genetically modified giant panda bears'?
H: Yes, technically they're spelled P-A-N-N-D-A-Z cos of copyright
held by the Chinese government. They've been modified to breed here in
ROGER: Are they dangerous?
H: No, as long as you don't make any sudden movements. But they may be
hungry so empty your pockets of any bananas, eggs, yams, oatmeal or
bamboo, which are all favourites of the Pandas.
PIKO: What about yams that taste like eggs, are we allowed those?
H: No, they would still be yams.
PIKO How about yams that look like eggs but taste like bananas?
H: No, still yams.
PIKO: What about bananas that look like eggs, feel like bamboo, smell
like oatmeal, but taste like yams?
H: No yams which taste like bananas, eggs that taste like yams,
bananas which taste like oatmeal, eggs which taste like bananas or
look like bananas or sound like yams or smell like bamboo. Just empty
your pockets of all banana, yam, egg or bamboo related foods.
PIKO: What about honey? Don't bears like honey?
H: Thanks again Piko for the probing question. Best to avoid sweet
treats as well. Any more questions?
Piko raises his hand
Not related to food.
Piko puts his hand down
ROGER: Can you tell me a little more about the miniature Ed Sheerans?
LITTLE TIMMY: Boy you sure ask a lot of questions which are very
specific to the play Daddy.
ROGER: Yes little Timmy, I do. Sometimes Mummy's and Daddy's have to
ask a lot of questions and use big words so the audience gets all the
LITTLE TIMMY: When I grow up can I give exposition Daddy?
ROGER: One day little Timmy, one day.
H: As the only population of miniature Ed Sheerans left in the world,
they are on the critically endangered list. Scientists estimate there
are only around 55 adults left in the wild. We may be lucky to see
some youngins too. They were first recorded in these parts about 20
years ago, although locals speak of large herds of red-haired woodland
creatures seen frolicking in these parts as far back as 150 years
ROGER: That would've been amazing to see.
H: Sure would've, everybody ready? Follow me and stay together as a
The group heads off together through the auditorium with headtorches
eventually a group of three miniature Ed Sheeran's come frolicking
PIKO: (Mimicking David Attenborough) Here we have a small group of
miniature Ed Sheerans in their natural habitat. This is a typical
family unit with three adults and one juvenile. You can tell that the
smaller one is a juvenile because the tattoos have not fully developed
into the beautiful plummage of the mature Ed Sheerans.
H: Why are you talking in that stupid voice?
PIKO: I thought it'd be more like one of those nature documentaries,
ROGER: Why are they endangered?
PIKO: Sadly, humans are the leading cause of death for miniature Ed
H: Still with the stupid voice?
PIKO: (Drops the accent) The Panda hunting operations cause about 5
deaths a year as by-catch in the Panda nets but they don't breed that
ROGER: How do they breed?
H: No one knows. Some scientists suspect the Ed's lay eggs.
PIKO: Local myths say they come out of the ground, it depends on what
you want to believe. Much like the origins of the first Eds really, no
one knows how they came about.
LITTLE TIMMY: But what about the real Ed Sheeran, where does he fit
PIKO: You have to ask yourself, which came first, the chicken or the
LITTLE TIMMY: I don't get it.
PIKO: The chicken… or… the Ed
Sudden commotion disturbs things, the Eds panic, one of them prepares
to defend the group and then they all scatter
H: Hunters! Everyone hide.
The group hides except H, sound of pots and pans banging, then ANNIE
bursts into the clearing banging a pot with a wooden spoon
H: Annie, what are you doing?
ANNIE: Hi H, long time no see. Got a summer job with Barracuda
Industries, I'm a bonger.
(Hits pot with wooden spoon)
See, I make a noise to drive the Pandas out. Are you a bonger too?
H: Definitely not. I'm leading a miniature Ed watching group. Come on
The group reappears
PIKO: (Very coy) Hi Annie.
ANNIE: (Equally awkward) Hi Piko.
PIKO: Didn't know you were back for the summer already.
ANNIE: Yeah, Uni finished already so I'm back for a few more weeks.
PIKO: That's neat.
ANNIE: Yeah, super.
PIKO: Sooooo, what did you study this year?
ANNIE:You know, economics and stuff…
PIKO: That's neat.
ANNIE: Yeah, super.
H: (Grabs pot and bangs it.) Hello, earth to Piko and Annie. What are
Barracuda Industries doing in this part of the forest? It's
ANNIE: Haven't you heard? The Chinese Government closed the loop hole
that allowed the giant Pandas to be bred by anybody but them. Every
country with Pandas has seven days to round up every last Panda or
else they'll have to start paying rent for them like everybody else.
$700,000 per Panda per year.
ROGER: $700,000 that's obscene.
ANNIE: It's pandanomics baby, big money.
H: I don't care, you can't hunt inside this sanctuary. The miniature
Eds will get caught in the crossfire.
ANNIE: Sorry H, I'm just following orders. A girl's gotta make a
H: The set nets they use to catch the Pandas are a death trap for the
ANNIE: I've never seen any Eds in this part of the bush.
H: You walk along banging a pot.
WOLFGANG VULGARIS bursts into the clearing
WOLFGANG: Newbie, why aren't you banging your pot? You let the Pandas
ANNIE: I just ran into these guys, they're looking for Eds.
H: We were before you idiots scared them off, hope none got injured
trying to get away.
WOLFGANG: Red haired rodents, sooner they're all dead and gone the
better. We won't have to deal with you filthy unwashed tree-hugging
hippies all the time. All la-dee-da with your almond infused zucchini
and pumpkin tofu lattes.
PIKO: I'd try one of those.
WOLFGANG: You organic in-breds are all the same.
H: Listen up red neck, you're currently hunting inside a protected
WOLFGANG: Boohoo. The sanctuaries are open for business tofu-munchers.
Come on newbie, we need to bag 15 more Pandas today.
(Wolfgang exits banging a pot)
ANNIE: Sorry guys, I've got to go. (To Piko, mouths 'call me')
PIKO: That was nice seeing Annie, wasn't it?
H: No, that wasn't nice seeing Annie. She's working for the enemy you
PIKO: That bit's no good, but she's nice…
H: Snap out of it Romeo. Sorry folks, your Ed watching tour is clearly
over. Maybe you can see what the Ed's are up against here. Piko, can
you take them back to the Gingernut Café. I'm going make sure the
Ed's got away safely. Come back and get me in an hour from the end of
PIKO: Roger, roger.
(PIKO leads the tourists offstage using David Attenborough voice as
they exit) Follow me out of the jungle along this track back towards
H goes deeper into the bush and discovers a net
H: Typical, a fixed Panda net.
(She starts to cut it down)
Anyone who strings up one of these should be strung up themselves.
(She discovers a mini Ed tangled in the net.)
Whoa little fella. It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you. Nice and
easy… You're looking very sorry for yourself. I need to get someone
to fix this.
(Pulls out her phone and composes a text)
Piko, get vet, have another injured Ed. Looks like arm busted. Send.
Now, lets get rid of this monstrosity.
(She pulls the net down)
Okay little fella, help is on the way.