Devilsh! by BB Cooper & Chris Burgess


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This Play is the copyright of the Authors and must NOT be Performed without their PRIOR consent


DEVILISH

ACT ONE
Scene 1

A street in North London

People walking in an everyday way

SOMETHING IN THE SKY
(sung by ENSEMBLE)

CHARACTERS IN OPENING SONG:

ALICE Ė LOVEABLE YOUNG MUM (MAYBE WITH BABY)
HELEN Ė ANXIOUS MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN
LAURA Ė OLDER WOMAN (PARTNER TO LOUIE)
KATIE Ė (PLAYS ĎMADDIEí) Ė THRILL SEEKING TEENAGER
(GIRLFRIEND TO BENEDIKT)
BENEDIKT Ė SWAGGERING YOUNG GUY (BOYFRIEND TO KATIE)
GEORGE Ė UPPER CLASS TOFF
LOUIE Ė OLDER SHORT-SIGHTED
GARETH Ė (PLAYS ĎNICKí) - MIDDLE CLASS BANK MANAGER

ALICE: IT WAS AN ORDINARY DAY
JUST AN ORDINARY DAY
HOW COULD ANYBODY KNOW WHAT WAS TO HAPPEN?

GARETH: I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET
IT WAS AN ORDINARY STREET
WHEN SOMETHING TRULY EXTRAORDINARY HAPPENED
HELEN: I WAS SIMPLY PASSING BY
WHEN SOMEHOW SOMETHING CAUGHT MY EYE..

ALICE: LOOK!

GARETH: THERE!

HELEN: UP IN THE SKY

BENEDIKT: THEREíS SOMETHING FLYING

KATIE: WOW!

GEORGE: HIGH UP IN THE SKY

LAURA: WHAT IS IT?

LOUIE: WHERE?

HELEN: GOD KNOWS WHAT IT CAN BE

BENEDIKT: BUT LOOK Ė ITíS FLYING

ALL FEMALES: FAR ABOVE THE CLOUDS
WAY OVER THERE!

GARETH: I CAN SEE IT FLAPPING Ė LIKE ITíS CRAZY

ALICE: QUITE OUT OF CONTROL Ė LIKE SOME MAD BIRD

HELEN: COULD IT BE A PLANE THATíS GOING CRAZY

GEORGE: DONíT KNOW WHAT IT IS Ė EXCEPT ABSURD
ALL: SOMETHING IN THE SKY
SOMETHING IN THE SKY

ALL MALES: CANíT BELIEVE IíM SEEING
WHAT I THINK IíM SEEING

ALL FEMALES: CAN IT BE ITíS REALLY THERE?
ALL SOMETHING IN THE SKY
SOMETHING IN THE SKY

KATIE: MAYBE ITíS A MAN FROM JUPITER OR MARS?

BENEDIKT: COULD IT BE A CREATURE FROM THE DISTANT STARS?

ALL (EXCEPT BENEDIKT & KATIE): HEíS COMING NEAR
HEíS FAR TOO NEAR

(DIALOGUE Ė PANIC Ė SCREAMING)

HELEN: Oh my god, heís going to get us!

ALICE: Help!

GEORGE: What the hell is he doing?

LAURA: Itís an alien. An alien!

HELEN: QUICK! PLEASE!

LOUIE: SOMEBODY HELP

GEORGE: CALL OUT THE ARMY!

LAURA: NOW!

GEORGE: GET MILITARY HELP
AND GO TO TOWN

KATIE: YES! WE HAVE TO ATTACK BEFORE HE KILLS US

BENEDIKT: CALL THE BIG GUNS OUT AND SHOOT HIM DOWN

ALL MALES: LOAD YOUR AMMUNITION Ė AND TAKE AIM NOW

ALL FEMALES: MAYBE THEY CAN GET HIM WITH ONE SHOT

HELEN/LAURA/GARETH/LOUIE: DONíT ASSUME ITíS JUST SOME SILLY GAME NOW

ALICE/KATIE/BENEDIKT/GEORGE: GIVE THIS U.F.O THE WHOLE DAMN LOT

HELEN/LAURA/GARETH/LOUIE: Get him. Get him!

ALICE/KATIE/BENEDIKT/GEORGE/LOUIE: Shoot him out of the sky.

HELEN: Kill him before he kills us.

GEORGE: Ready now Ė and fire!

(GUNFIRE, SCREAMS AND YELLS OVER NEXT BARS OF MUSIC)

HELEN: LOOK, I THINK THEY GOT HIM

GARETH: YES, I THINK THEY GOT HIM

ALICE: CANíT YOU SEE HIM WAY UP THERE

HELEN/LAURA/GARETH/LOUIE:
FALLING FROM THE SKY

ALICE/KATIE/BENEDIKT/GEORGE:
FALLING FROM THE SKY

ALICE: LOOK AT HOW HE PLUMMETS LIKE A TEN-TON WEIGHT

GARETH: WATCH HIM AS HE CRASHES AND HE MEETS HIS FATE

HELEN/LAURA/GARETH/LOUIE: WE SAW HIM FALL

ALICE/KATIE/BENEDIKT/GEORGE: HIS RISE AND FALL

ALL: SOMETHING IN THE SKY
SOMETHING IN THE SKY
SOMETHING IN THE SKY

ALICE: NOW THEREíS NOTHING IN THE SKY!

Scene 2

(RUTH IS IN HER KITCHEN Ė GRABBING A QUICK BREAKFAST)

RADIO ANNOUNCER: ďÖand weíre just getting reports about an
unidentified flying object over South London which has been
shot out of the sky by the military. As yet no official
information about this, but we hope to bring you more from
Clapham as soon as we have it.Ē

RUTH: Clapham? This is Clapham!

(SUDDENLY RUTH HEARS A TERRIBLE SPLINTERING OF GLASS, AND A
CRASH Ė FOLLOWED BY A YELL OF PAIN Ė ďAaaaargggh!!Ē)

RUTH: What the hell Ė

ANGEL (OFF): Oh my god Ė that hurt!!

RUTH: Whatís going on? (SEES FIGURE APPROACHING HER KITCHEN)
Donít come in here. Iím Ė Iím armed. (GRABS A SPOON, SEES
IT, REPLACES IT WITH A KNIFE)

ANGEL (ENTERS, WITH WHITE WINGS, VIRTUALLY NAKED): Hi. Sorry
about the greenhouse. I crash-landed. They shot me down.

RUTH: Youíre the U.F.O!

ANGEL: The what?

RUTH: Stay back. If you come any nearer Iíll - Iíll -
(MAKES KNIFING ACTION WITH THE KNIFE, BUT THE KNIFE FLIES OUT
OF HER HAND) Damn!

ANGEL: Youíll what?

RUTH: Iíll scream.

ANGEL: You donít need to scream.

RUTH: This is my kitchen. Iíll scream if I want to! (ANGEL
MOVES FORWARD, AND RUTH SCREAMS)

ANGEL: Look Ė

RUTH: No!

SONG : DONíT YOU COME NEAR

RUTH:
DONíT YOU COME NEAR!
IíM A BLACK BELT KILLER, YOU KNOW

ANGEL: You? Youíre kidding?

RUTH:
OH YES, I AM
I CAN KILL WITH ONE SINGLE BLOW
YOU MAY THINK IíM EASY PREY
BUT IF YOU DONíT STAY AWAY Ė BEWARE!!
DONíT TOUCH A HAIR

ANGEL: Iím not touching you!

RUTH:
PLUS IíVE GOT SOME WEAPONS HERE
AND THEYíLL MAKE YOU QUAKE WITH FEAR
AND DREAD
DíYA HEAR WHAT I SAID?

(RUTH GRABS A FORK)

ANGEL: I heard you. What are you doing with that?

RUTH:
CAN YOU SEE THE END OF THIS FORK?

ANGEL: Well, yes but Ė

RUTH:
ITíS VERY SHARP
SHARPER THAN AN ORDINARY FORK
SO YOUíD BETTER WATCH YOUR STEP
DONíT YOU TAKE A SINGLE STEP
I SAID
OR YOUíLL BE DEAD

ANGEL
WHY WOULD YOU THINK IíM THE KIND OF GUY WHOíD TRY TO HARM YOU?
IíM NOT THE TYPE WHO WOULD EVER HURT A FLY
IíM AS CONFUSED AS YOU, IN FACT I THINK IíM MORE SO
I WISH I KNEW WHY IíM NOT STILL IN THE SKY
RUTHIE (ALTERNATES WITH
DONíT YOU COME NEAR!

ANGEL: I give you my word Iím not going to hurt you.

RUTH: How do I know I can trust you?

ANGEL: Iím an angel. Angels are nice.

RUTH: You canít be an angel.

ANGEL: Iíve got wings, and I fly.

RUTH: So does ĎRyanairí, and I donít trust them either.

ANGEL: And Iíve got a halo.

RUTH; No, you donít!

ANGEL (LOOKS, CHECKS): Oh! Must have fallen off somewhere.

RUTH (SHOUTS): I said Ė donít move!! (STILL HOLDING OUT HER
FORK) What are you doing here?

ANGEL: Like I said Ė they shot me down. I think I got too
close. Iíve always been so curious about what you get up to
down here. Oooh. Iím so bruised. (RUBS HIS BRUISES)

RUTH: Iím calling the police. (GOES FOR HER PHONE)

ANGEL: Why? What did I do?

RUTH: Youíve defied the laws of logic!

ANGEL: Is that a criminal offence? Oww! AaaaGH!!! (SEEMS
REALLY HURT)

RUTH: You alright? (APPROACHES HIM, CONCERNED)

ANGEL (IN PAIN): IĎve sprained myself in places I didnít even
know I had places.

RUTH: God, you stink! You must have landed in the compost.

ANGEL: Hey, I really do stink, donít I? (PLEASED) Wow!

RUTH: Er, Sorry Ė what is Ďwowí about stinking of rotting cabbage?

ANGEL: In heaven we canít smell. Or taste. Or touch. Or
feel. (EXCITED) But now Iím tingling with feelings all over.

RUTH: Which is why you need a cold shower! And clothes.

ANGEL: Clothes?

RUTH (AS SHE DIALS NUMBER ON PHONE): In the wardrobe in the
spare room thereís jeans and shirts. You look about the same size as -

(SUDDENLY STOPS)

ANGEL: As who?

RUTH: Just get cleaned up and dressed, okay. This is no time
for half-naked men.

ANGEL: Really? When would be a better time?

RUTH: (INTO PHONE) Oh, hello Ė I need the police emergency
service. (TO ANGEL) Bathroomís upstairs, first on the left.

ANGEL: Thanks, Ruthie. (ANGEL EXITS)

RUTH: How do you know my name? (INTO PHONE) Sorry Ė I
want to report an angel. What do you mean Ė does he have any
distinguishing features?

(MADDIE, A RATHER DITZY YOUNG GIRL ENTERS)

MADDIE: Oh my god! Did you hear on the radio? This thing in
the sky!?

RUTH: Maddie, just a minute. (IN PHONE) What? Youíll get
back? What good is that?

MADDIE: Can you believe it!? A UFO!

RUTH: Yeah Ė er Ė about that Ė

MADDIE: I hope youíre ready to go. Iíve got my weather-girl
audition this morning. Tell me not to be nervous.

RUTH: Donít be nervous.

MADDIE: Easy for you to say!

RUTH: Listen, Maddie Ė

MADDIE (HEARS SOMETHING): Ruthie Ė shh!

RUTH: What?

MADDIE: Thereís someone upstairs.

RUTH: I know. Thatís what I was about to Ė

MADDIE: Is it a guy? Ruthie! That must be the first time
youíve…..well, since, since ..

RUTH: Since Will, yes. He has a name.

MADDIE: Sorry, I didnít mean to upset you.. but wow, thatís great.

RUTH: Youíre jumping to conclusions. Itís perfectly innocent.

MADDIE: Oh, yeah!?

ANGEL (ENTERS: No, really. It is innocent. I mean, I wish I
wasnít as innocent as I am, but itís part of my job description.

MADDIE: Oh. My. God! Youíre, like, an angel! (PENNY DROPS) The
thing in the sky!?
ANGEL: They shot me down.

MADDIE: Hi.

ANGEL: Hi.

MADDIE: Iím Maddie.

ANGEL: I know.

MADDIE: How come?

ANGEL: I donít know. I just do. Weird, isnít it?

MADDIE: Whatís your name?

ANGEL: I donít have one.

MADDIE: Maybe we should christen you?

ANGEL: You canít christen me.

MADDIE: Why not?

ANGEL: Iím non-denominational.

MADDIE: Well.. why donít we just call you ĎAngelí then.

ANGEL: Awesome.

RUTH: Whatever his name, we need to work out what to do with
him.

MADDIE: I know what Iíd like to do with him. Heís cute.

RUTH: Iíve phoned the police. They told me to wait and
theyíd get back.

MADDIE: I canít wait. Iíve got my audition. Heíll have to
come with us.

RUTH: What?

ANGEL: Where are you going?

MADDIE: We work at the BBC. The Brimstone Broadcasting
Corporation. Run by Nick Brimstone. And Iím one of his
secretaries. Only today Iím auditioning as a weather girl.
(TO RUTH) Come on, we have to go.

RUTH: Maddie! Howís he going to fit in the Mini? With those
wings?

ANGEL: Oh, they tuck right down.

MADDIE: Come on!! Now!! (DASHES TO EXIT)


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