Come Die With Me by Chris Shelstone

This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent

A Comedy Murder Mystery Event
By Chris Shelstone

PETUNIA PLEASANCE – Air Hostess
BLOSSOM OVEUR – Air Hostess
CAPTAIN CLARENCE OVEUR - Pilot
ROGER DUNNE – Flight Engineer
CANDICE CARPENTER – Air Hostess
COCAINE JEPSON – Rock Star
JACK HAMMER – Trainee Airport Announcer
INSPECTOR GREY

Blossom and Petunia are checking passengers in, and are on hand to
make their introductions to everyone at the arrival/departure lounge
of chirpychirpycheapcheap.com - the only airline at (local town) newly
developed international airport.

They are situated in the central area of the hall at a desk. Posters
are displayed around the room advertising the airline. On stage, is
work experience Jack, who has been learning the ropes as announcer and
air traffic controller. He is sat at a desk with a computer monitor, a
set of headphones and a microphone.

There are some sound effects in the background - aircraft noises,
humorous pre-recorded announcements etc. Petunia and Blossom have
strong regional accents.

PETUNIA: Hello everyone - welcome to the arrivals and departure lounge
of (local town) International Airport. We represent Britain's newest
and cheapest airline: chirpychirpycheapcheap.com. My name is Petunia and my colleague
Blossom and I will be your check-in personnel this evening, and we
will also be your stewardesses on board our flight to Glasgow. We
pride ourselves on being one big family, on hand to help you enjoy
your flying experience. Say hello, Blossom.

BLOSSOM: Hello every..... (she is quickly cut short by Petunia)

PETUNIA: Thank you, Blossom. It's our job to make yourself feel
welcome and at home whilst your aircraft is being prepared.

JACK: It's not even arrived yet.

PETUNIA: Excuse me - did I ask you to speak? Well did I? (Jack shakes
his head). I do apologise Ladies and Gentlemen - that's Jack. In his
final year at University and with us for some work experience. He's on
announcements at the moment and getting far too big for his boots -
they've told him he can work on traffic control later.

BLOSSOM: Heaven forbid.

PETUNIA: Don't worry, you will all be in Glasgow on schedule. Now,
where were we?

BLOSSOM: It's our job to make yourself feel welcome and at home whilst
your aircraft is being prepared.

PETUNIA: Yes, I’ve said all that.

JACK: It’s not even arrived yet.

PETUNIA: I’m warning you, sunshine. These University students think
they know it all.

BLOSSOM: There is something you’ve forgotten.

PETUNIA: Oh, what’s that then?

BLOSSOM: The date today?

PETUNIA: What about the date today?

JACK: (starts singing) Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you.

PETUNIA: Oh yes - It's my Birthday today.

BLOSSOM: Happy Birthday, Pet. Are we going out later for a drink? I
fancy another one of those, you know, penis coladas. I think I'll have
a large one this time. Oh, I almost forgot - here’s a pressie for
you. (She gets a present from under the counter)

PETUNIA: Ah! Thank you, Blo. You didn't have to bother. How time
flies. 38 already.

BLOSSOM: You what?

JACK: She said, she's 38 already!

BLOSSOM: Ye Gods, Pet - have you been in the sun a lot?

PETUNIA: I beg your pardon?

JACK: (loudly) She said have you been in the sun a lot?

PETUNIA: Right, let me get him. (Goes towards Jack)

BLOSSOM: Leave him be, Petunia. Come and open your pressie.

PETUNIA: Okay. But I haven’t finished with you, Jack Hammer. Thank
you, Blossom. Oh, let's see what it is. (Opens present) Face cream and
a botox kit. Thank you.

BLOSSOM: Yes, it's that new Oil of Olay face cream. You know the
Spanish cream. You apply it at night, after you’ve done the Botox,
and in the morning, it's filled in all your cracks. You're getting
quite a few now, so I've bought a subscription package for you. 12
months’ supply.

PETUNIA: Thank you, Blossom.

BLOSSOM: What else have you got?

PETUNIA: Well I thought I'd treat myself to a... you know, a er...
boob job. I'll have to do it in stages though. I'll get one done this
month, and the other when I've saved up a bit more. I'm aiming for the
Katie Price look.

BLOSSOM: More like the Asda Price look if you ask me. You're getting
obsessive with these operations. How many have you had done now? Nose
job, bum job, hip job. Where do you get all the money from? Doing
‘Bob a Job’ in your spare time?

PETUNIA: I like to pride myself on my appearance.

BLOSSOM: Yes well, you certainly look as if you work out by the feel
of those biceps. (Pointing finger) Or have you had a job done on those
as well?

PETUNIA: Just keeping fit in the gym. Anyway, that’s enough about me
– we are neglecting our passengers. Now as I was saying, (addressing
the passengers again) we pride ourselves on being one big family at
chirpychirpycheapcheap.com, so it's time to tell you about our other
team members. Who have we got, Blossom?

BLOSSOM: Well there's my Clarence, the Captain.

PETUNIA: CAPTAIN CLARENCE OVEUR, of course. Blossom and Clarence were
at school together weren't you, Blo?

BLOSSOM: Yes, we...

PETUNIA: And became childhood sweethearts didn't you, Blossom?

BLOSSOM: Yes, we...

PETUNIA: Married as soon as they could - didn't you, Blo?

BLOSSOM: Yes, we...

PETUNIA: And stayed married all this time. How many years is it now?

BLOSSOM: (softly) 33.

PETUNIA: I'm sorry, Blo - I didn't catch that.

JACK: She said 33.

BLOSSOM: Thanks, Jack.

JACK: You might be able to help me out here, Blossom. I’m working on
my Uni project about marriage. Can you tell me what you believe is the
secret of a long and happy marriage with the same person?

BLOSSOM: There's only one secret to a happy marriage. And as soon as I
find it, I'll get married again! No seriously, I can tell you my
secret ingredient. We take time to go out to a restaurant twice a
week, regular like. Ah yes. A little candlelight, nice dinner, soft
music and perhaps a bit of dancing. (Reflects) He goes Tuesdays, and I
go Fridays.

PETUNIA: Are things still not right between you two then, Blossom?

BLOSSOM: You can say that again. Do you know we even sleep in separate
beds now? Mine's in (local town) and his is in (town further away).
He's a waste of space. Never does anything around the house. I have to
do everything. Better off without him. But don't let me put you off
marriage, Jack.

PETUNIA: Anyway (trying to pass it off and addressing the passengers)
Clarence - Captain Oveur, Blossom's other half, is our Chief Pilot
here at chirpychirpycheapcheap.com and will be flying you to Glasgow
today. And with him will be Roger. Roger Dunne, Flight Engineer. Nice
man. Not been with us for long, but already making a good impression.
He's on his probationary period still and hoping to make the grade.

BLOSSOM: We also have a VIP arriving at the airport lounge soon. Yes,
Cocaine Jepson, the famous rock star from the 60's, 70's 80's 90's -
and still going strong.

PETUNIA: You were at school with him weren't you, Blo?

BLOSSOM: That's right - me and Jeps and Clarence all used to hang out
together. Haven't seen him in years. He will be on this flight to
Glasgow.

JACK: Really? Cocaine Jepson? Wow, he’s my favourite rock star.
I’ve got all his albums. I saw him at Glastonbury last year.
That’s great.

PETUNIA: Well I’m very pleased for you, Jack. I’m sure some of our
passengers here can’t wait to meet him. Have your autograph books
and cameras ready folks. Now, I think that's everyone.

BLOSSOM: What about what's-her-face?

PETUNIA: You mean...

BLOSSOM & PETUNIA: (sarcastically) Simply the best – Candice.

PETUNIA: Yes. Candice is our other air hostess on the Glasgow flight.
She will take over here while we look after you on the outbound
flight. We don't really get on with her, do we Blossom?

BLOSSOM: No, we don't. Bit up herself if you ask me. Thinks she knows
it all. Too bossy for my liking.

PETUNIA: Anyway, the least said about her the better. Have you advised
all our passengers that there is now a key required for the toilet on
board and that a charge of £3 is required to obtain the key?

BLOSSOM: (to passengers) I'd go now if I were you.

Sfx of plane approaching in the background.

PETUNIA: That sounds like the plane on its approach now.

Jack has his headphones on and is talking into the desk microphone.

JACK: Ground Control to Flight CCC666 - that's Charlie Charlie Charlie
666. Do you read? Over.

CPT OVEUR: (speaking off-stage – from the plane. The line is a bit
crackly) Of course I can read. This is Captain Oveur. Over.

JACK: Captain Over? Over?

CPT OVEUR: Yes, Captain Oveur. Over.

JACK: Are your instruments okay, Captain Over? Over.

CPT OVEUR: One or two are not showing correct readings, so just in
case I have switched off Auto Pilot and changed to manual. Over.

JACK: Manual? Over.

CPT OVEUR: Yes. Manual, copy? I have to set my approach now, so I'll
hand you over to Flight Engineer Roger Dunne. Over.

JACK: Okay, Over. Over.

ROGER: Hello, Roger Dunne here. Over.

JACK: I believe the Captain wants a manual copied. Is that correct
Roger? Over.

ROGER: No, my name is Roger Dunne. The Captain is Captain Oveur.
Over.

JACK: Okay, Roger. Over.

ROGER: Roger Dunne. (Getting annoyed) I don't know about the manual,
but if the Captain wants it then I expect it needs doing. Copy that.
Roger. Over.

PETUNIA: Everything okay, Jack?

JACK: I think so, yes - he wants a photocopy of the plane's manual, I
think. Anyway, I can see the plane on screen now. (Speaking into the
microphone again) Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please.
Chirpychirpycheapcheap.com flight CCC666 from Glasgow is just arriving
at gate 1......gate 2.......gate 3......gate 4.

Sfx of plane landing in the background.

PETUNIA: Erm...whilst we are waiting for the turnaround of the plane,
we will now provide you with some free entertainment from
chirpychirpycheapcheap.com - won't we, Blossom?

BLOSSOM: Yes, Pet.

PETUNIA: This is our theme song and will feature in our new TV ad, and
can be found on YouTube, and can be downloaded from the iTunes store.
Here we go. I'll count you in, Blossom. Join in the chorus everyone.
Cue backing track, Jack.

Song – Chirpy Chirpy Cheap Cheap.

After the song, Captain Oveur enters with flight engineer Roger Dunne
and Candice. Charlie the Auto Pilot is tucked under his arm.

CPT OVEUR: (passing over Charlie) Here Candice - Charlie the Auto
Pilot needs checking out - I think he's feeling a bit deflated.

CANDICE: Yes Clarence – I mean Captain Oveur. Here, Petunia, sort
this please.

Petunia takes Charlie and hides it under the desk.

CPT OVEUR: Evening all - bit of bumpy landing there. Our Flight
Engineer got a bit confused with the landing settings on the
instrument panel. Auto Pilot wasn’t working properly, but I took
over and all was okay.

ROGER: I did not get confused, Captain. There is an issue with the
instruments and technical are checking it out now.

CPT OVEUR: (taking him to one side) Nevertheless, you still delayed on
getting the under-carriage down, causing me to make last minute
adjustments which led to the bumpy landing.

ROGER: The under-carriage came down in plenty of time, Captain.

CANDICE: Perhaps we can sort this out later? In private?

CPT OVEUR: Yes, of course. Now then, how is everyone? Hi, Jack.
(Acknowledging Jack)

An extra person can be used here – perhaps one of the backstage crew
enters wearing a security jacket.

SECURITY: Okay everyone - freeze. I'll alert the armed response unit.
Give me an update on the hijack situation.

CPT OVEUR: No, you idiot - there is no hijack situation. Stand down.

SECURITY: Oh, okay. Sorry.

Security guard exits.

CPT OVEUR: I do apologise, everyone. People do tend to overreact these
days. Anyway, we are aiming for a quick turnaround so we will soon
have everyone here on board.

ROGER: Once the instrument panel is sorted by Technical.

CPT OVEUR: Yes, once Technical have confirmed that there is nothing
wrong with the instrument panel.

CANDICE: (sensing another confrontation) Captain, I don’t think we
have formally introduced you to our passengers, as we usually do.

Blossom and Petunia are making faces in the background.

CPT OVEUR: Of course you can, Candice. The floor is yours.

CANDICE: Ladies and Gentlemen, I would formally like to introduce you
to your Captain and Flight Engineer, who will be flying you safely to
Glasgow this evening. CAPTAIN CLARENCE OVEUR and Flight Engineer Roger
Dunne.

JACK: (pointing to them both) Ha. I've just got it - they're Oveur
Dunne.

CPT OVEUR: Yes, very funny, Jack. Perhaps Candice, you can tell the
passengers about our celebrity travelling with us?

CANDICE: It will be my pleasure, Captain.

BLOSSOM & PETUNIA: (as an aside, sarcastically) It will be my
pleasure, Captain.

CANDICE: (ignoring the remark) Just to let everyone know, we have a
famous celebrity that will be travelling with us on our flight back to
Glasgow.

BLOSSOM: We’ve already advised our passengers, Candice.

Candice has been checking her mobile for messages.

CANDICE: Yes, thank you, Blossom, but it was agreed at the last staff
meeting that I would make the announcement to the passengers on this.

PETUNIA: Oh for goodness sake, Candice, it doesn’t really matter who
tells the passengers does it?

CANDICE: Tell them, Clarence.

BLOSSOM: Clarence?

CANDICE: I mean Captain Oveur. Tell them.

CPT OVEUR: Erm, well, yes. I do remember something along those lines.

CANDICE: Anyway, I was going on to say that I have just received a
message that he is making his way to the lounge to see us all here
before boarding. There will be a photo opportunity and time for
autographs.

JACK: I’ve got my book ready.

Cocaine Jepson makes an entrance. An extra person or two could be
following, acting as reporters taking notes and photographs. Jack
leaves his station with an autograph book to approach him. Blossom and
Petunia approach as well to greet him. After a brief period of fuss
and one or two selfies being done, Captain Oveur calls over to
Jepson.

CPT OVEUR: Well look who it isn't - my old mate, Jepson. Hi, Jeppers.
What gig are you playing at next?

COCAINE JEPSON: Hi, Clarence. Long-time no see. How are you, man?
They've asked me to open the Loch Lomond festival tomorrow.

CPT OVEUR: Of course. It will be a busy weekend in Glasgow.

COCAINE JEPSON: All tickets sold out. Should be a great do.

CPT OVEUR: That’s good to hear. I’ll catch up with you later.

COCAINE JEPSON: (brushes off his followers and approaches Captain
Oveur) Have you got the stuff?

CPT OVEUR: Yes okay, keep your voice down. Look, I don't know how long
I can keep this up. I could easily get into trouble over this.

They move further away from the others so as not to be heard.

COCAINE JEPSON: Now look here, pal. You promised me you could get a
regular supply for this stuff, and I'm giving you good money for it.
You won’t back out of this deal.

CPT OVEUR: Yes, well, it’s getting too risky. Procedures are being
tightened up. It’s not so easy now.

COCAINE JEPSON: I’m sure you’ll find a way. In fact, if you
don’t find a way, you had better watch your back. Do I make myself
clear?

CPT OVEUR: You don't scare me, Jepson. You may have been the biggest
bully at school but that doesn't cut any ice these days. I could
easily expose the real extent of your habit on hard drugs.

COCAINE JEPSON: Do that, pal, and you're dropping yourself right in
it. Don't forget who’s supplying the drugs in this relationship.

CPT OVEUR: I don't give a damn. I'm out. It’s over.

COCAINE JEPSON: No. If you’re out, you’re the one that’s over,
pal.

CPT OVEUR: I'm not afraid of you any more.

COCAINE JEPSON: Oh yeah? We'll see about that. You're not gonna get
away with this, pal.

CPT OVEUR: (eyeball to eyeball) It’s Captain to you. Captain Oveur.
Got it?

COCAINE JEPSON: Yes. You’re over.

CPT OVEUR: Yes. I’m Oveur. It’s over. And I’m out. Over and out.

Candice has approached them.

COCAINE JEPSON: (glancing at her) Roger that.

CANDICE: Sorry?

CPT OVEUR: Already have, thanks.

COCAINE JEPSON: You ain’t heard the last of this.

Jepson goes back to his reporters and Blossom/Petunia/Jack.

CANDICE: What was that all about?

CPT OVEUR: Just sorting out bully boy Jepson.

CANDICE: So, have you decided yet? About telling sour puss over there
about you and me?

CPT OVEUR: Keep your voice down.

BLOSSOM: (over-hearing) I heard that. What's going on then?

CANDICE: You may as well know. Clarence and I are now in a
relationship. He's had enough of someone old enough to be in a care
home. He prefers someone younger, more attractive like me.

BLOSSOM: What? You're young enough to be his daughter! Little Miss Fur
Coat and No Knickers. You should be ashamed of yourself, picking on an
old man. Oh, I've heard about you, young lady – you’ll go for
anything in trousers. You should be ashamed of yourself.

CANDICE: We love each other. Don’t we, Clarence?

BLOSSOM: Love? Love? You don't know the meaning of the word.
Infatuation more like. And you. (Turning on Clarence) You good for
nothing little squirt. How could you? With her! You're old enough to
be her father. That's it. You've not heard the last of this. You mark
my words.

Blossom goes to Petunia for comfort.

CPT OVEUR: (Summoning up enough courage) We're finished, you and me.
All that ranting and raving. I've had enough of it. That's all you do.
If you're not yelling at me, you're nagging at me. Well you're not
getting away with it any more. We're through. Oh, and by the way - I
know about your secret meetings with Cocaine Jepson over there. Oh
yes, how long as it been going on, Jepson? Having a secret affair with
my wife. What's up? Cat got your tongues?

COCAINE JEPSON: That's a lie. You don’t know what you’re saying.

CPT OVEUR: Come on. I know what's been going on.

BLOSSOM: You're talking rubbish - why would you say such a thing?

PETUNIA: How could you? You evil little womaniser. Look what a state
she's in now.

CPT OVEUR: Oh, don't you start. I know your little secret. Or should I
say big secret. Shall I tell everyone?

CANDICE: Oh yes - I've been waiting for this one. Go on, Clarence.

[End of Extract}

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