Captain Coots Legacy by Colin Barrow

This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent

ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
MORNING

The scene opens with music playing from a device – something upbeat, modern. Suzie is in full swing with a vacuum cleaner dancing, singing or both, to the music as she uses the appliance. A box/container with household cleaning polish, liquids and dusters is sat on the table. After a few moments, Jacob approaches the garden doors. He is wearing a wet raincoat, hat, etc. He opens the doors and begins to enter as Suzie sees him. The doors are left open

SUZIE: (sees Jacob; abrupt) Stop right there. Look at you? You're soaked through and dripping like a broken tap!

JACOB: (quite unperturbed) It's called wet rain, Suzie. It’s been chucking it down, unless you’ve not noticed?

SUZIE: (frowns trying to comprehend) You what? Hang on. (Turns the music off) Say that again?

JACOB: (sterner and with some volume) The bloody rain is wet and it’s been piddling down for hours!

SUZIE: (a little scolding) There’s no need for that sort of language either. And I don’t want you squelching in here making more work for me!

JACOB: (with a lower volume) I’ll stay here then and drip on the spot!

Suzie nods and turns around. As soon as she has done so, Jacob hobbles
in a few steps.

JACOB: (raising his voice) I’ve popped round to say…

SUZIE: (cutting in) And keep your flipping voice down?

JACOB: Beg pardon?

SUZIE: (aloud) I said, “keep your voice down”! (Quieter and points upwards) Peter Coots is in bed.

JACOB: (a little taken aback) But it’s the middle of the day!

SUZIE: (with a suggestive lower tone) He didn’t get to his bed until late last night and now he’ nursing a nasty head. So, keep it quiet.

JACOB: (laughs lightly) Quiet! That’s rich. You were entertaining a noisy appliance and loud music.

SUZIE: (dismissing and points to the vacuum cleaner) I can’t help the noise that thing makes and the music is soothing. (More abrupt) Whereas your voice carries like a frog croaking for a female in spring. (Picking up some polish and a duster and begins cleaning any furniture)

JACOB: (quickly) I’d sooner be something more attractive than a frog if I’m searching for rumpy pumpy!

SUZIE: (facetious) Who’d want rumpy pumpy with you anyway, Dad?

JACOB: (smiles) You’d be surprised who fancies these old bones.

SUZIE: I don’t know about fancy, challenging maybe!

JACOB: (dully) Always the same old Suzie, aren’t you? (Slightly curt and looks up) It’s all very nice for some staying in bed and living life how they please. (More factual looking at Suzie) But as usual, I’ve been up since five this morning working my fingers to the bone. And what do I have to show for it? A house full of dust, cobwebs and wearing underpants that should have been thrown months ago!

SUZIE: Nothing has changed there then?

JACOB: Actually a few weeks back the gusset broke out on the underpants I’m wearing now. (Rocking to and fro slightly with legs apart) The freedom has been quite liberating.

SUZIE: (with horror) Too much information if you don’t mind!

JACOB: I can quite see the appeal to a Scotsman wearing a kilt and going commando!

SUZIE: There wouldn’t be much appeal if a wasp flew up his kilt and stung his old peculiar!

JACOB: (winces) No, I can see that bringing a tear to the eye.

SUZIE: Would make him do the Highland fling too! (Abrupt) If you’ve just come here to have a moan, I’ve not got the time.

JACOB: I’ve come to tell you this. (Hobbling and sits on a chair at the table) My work at the refuge centre is all done; and there’s nothing else for me round here. So, I’ll be catching the next train back home.

SUZIE: (mutters) That’s the best news I’ve heard for a while!

JACOB: And as there’s going be a celebration for us tradesmen with the fancy folk from the town tomorrow: You know what I’m like when free drink is offered in abundance.


SUZIE: One drink turns into another and another until you’re pickled and can’t remember your own name.

JACOB: Something like that. So, if I leave tonight, I won’t make a fool of
myself at the celebration. And then there’s Father Corbin. He’s coming up from the city tomorrow to attend.

SUZIE: (correcting) Father Corbin is coming up today in readiness for the celebration tomorrow.

JACOB: (alarmed) Bloody hell!

SUZIE: (scolding) Language, Dad.

JACOB: I wouldn’t wish for Father Corbin to find out anything more against me.

SUZIE: So, you’ve been up to something then?

JACOB: I’m always up to something and better if he never knows what! Anyway, I just wanted to tell you, I’m off tonight.

SUZIE: The sooner the better by the sounds of it.

JACOB: And I want you to come with me?

SUZIE: (stopping in her tracks) What are you talking about?

JACOB: I said, I want you to come home with me.

SUZIE: (quite abrupt) You can forget that! What makes you think I’d want to come and live with a Dad who drinks more than is good for him when Mrs. Coots treats me like a daughter?

JACOB: You’re not Mrs. Coots daughter, you’re her cleaner, Suzie.

SUZIE: I was invited to live here as part of the family. That’s more than a cleaner in my eyes.

JACOB: She’d replace you quick as anything and not think twice about it.

SUZIE: (mutters without looking at him) You used to say I was “no concern of yours”.

JACOB: Maybe so, but I’ve now changed.

SUZIE: (offish) You haven’t changed a bit.

JACOB: I have and I’m getting better.

SUZIE: You can forget it, I ain’t coming home with you and that’s that. You’ve already put mum in an early grave and you’re not putting me in one too.

JACOB: I was wondering how long it would be before you brought that up and still pointing the finger at me.

Jacob stands and begins to hobble towards the garden doors. There is a short silence, before Suzie turns to looks at him

SUZIE: (puzzled) Why do you want me to go back with you anyway?

JACOB: It would be nice just to have you near and to be with you whilst I still can.

SUZIE: (unconvinced) I’m immune to your lies and deceits, Dad. So what’s the real reason you want me to go back with you?

JACOB: I've been thinking of setting up in a new line of business.

SUZIE: (with a heaviness) Not again, Dad. You’ve had more failed business than there are scrap cars in a junk yard. Stick to carpentry, at least you’re good at that.

JACOB: (more upbeat) But this job I’ve done at the refuge centre has earned me a nice little sum of money.

SUZIE: And a fool and his money will soon be parted!

JACOB: (comes to the table) So I was thinking of putting the money into some - some - some paying speculation.

SUZIE: (with a quizzical look) What sort of, “paying speculation”?

JACOB: (sits) I thought of a bar. A sort of club with a stage and…

SUZIE: (cutting in unamused) Unbelievable!

JACOB: (taken aback) What?

SUZIE: (quite stern) You! Running a bar! You’d drink away the profits. That’s if there was any drink left to sell before you could make a profit!

JACOB: But I have more resistance these days, more will power. And this would be a high-class affair for businessmen and such like.

SUZIE: (quickly) You mean people with more money than sense?

JACOB: (happily) They have to spend it somewhere.

SUZIE: (cautiously searching) And where exactly do I fit in with this business venture?

JACOB: You would be my right-hand woman and be by my side - as my business partner.

SUZIE: The more I’m hearing, the less I’m liking.

JACOB: (with an eagerness) You have a wonderful singing voice and you can perform in the evenings. You can have fun, dance, socialize and enjoy life. It has to be better than spending the rest of your life here cleaning? Mrs. Coots might treat you like a daughter, but do you want to spend the rest of your life under her thumb? Or do you want to come with me and have your name in lights?

SUZIE: (affirming) You certainly know how to sell a thing; I’ll give you that.

JACOB: (with curiosity) You can’t tell me you’re not tempted?

SUZIE: (more stern) Dad, I just don’t think - what I’m saying is - well, there's no saying.

JACOB: (at a loss) What do you mean, "there's no saying"?

SUZIE: (dismissing) It doesn’t matter, I know what I mean. (Inquisitive) How much money have you got then?

JACOB: Enough.

SUZIE: How much is enough?

JACOB: Enough that I’ve saved from doing this job and some from other jobs.

SUZIE: It all sounds a bit suspect to me, Dad.

JACOB: Probably the finer details would be better with you not knowing.

SUZIE: You’ll get no argument from me on that! But even I know this ‘paying speculation’ will take more money than what you’ve got.

JACOB: It’s a work in progress.

SUZIE: And so is climate change and we got a bleeding long way to go on that!

JACOB: I’ve worked it all out in my head, you know?

SUZIE: Is that why you’ve stayed off the drink, so you can engage your brain for once?

JACOB: And for my health.

SUZIE: (offish) I suppose there’s a first for everything.

JACOB: Come home with me and you can have anything you like. Instead of being a cleaner, you can be the boss of a cleaner doing your dirty work.

SUZIE: (stern) I want nothing to do with your paying speculation. Now, go? I’ve got work here to do.

JACOB: (stands) Think about it. If we did this right and were clever about it all. You could own a house like this yourself one day - or an even bigger one!

SUZIE: (taken aback unsure) Are you suggesting I could buddy up with one of these rich gits you propose to attract into this bar, club or whatever it’s going to be?

JACOB: (brightly) It would be a good way to get your hands on heaps of money! If you played it right.

SUZIE: (not amused) Pah! I can’t say the idea enamours me much.

JACOB: You’ve got a good figure; you want to learn how to use it.

SUZIE: (quickly stern) It’s wonder you don’t stick a, ‘for sale’ label on me back asking for the highest bidder! (Ordering) Out you go! (Pushing him toward the garden doors)

JACOB: (hobbling) Okay! Okay! But think about it?

SUZIE: I have and with lightning speed. You’d sell your own grannies’ false teeth if you knew you’d get money for them.

JACOB: (cheekily) I’d have to dig her up first!

SUZIE: (pushing) If you don’t go this minute, I’ll be the one digging a hole to put you in it! (Sees Father Corbin approaching) Oh, bugger. Here comes Father Corbin. (Pushing Jacob toward the dining room door trying to get him to go faster) You better go that way and out through the kitchen.

JACOB: Don’t push me; I can’t go so fast with this leg.

SUZIE: You can move the thing fast enough when the law is after you!

JACOB: (as he’s being pushed through the door) The train leaves tonight at eight o’clock, just think about everything I’ve said.

SUZIE: (closing the door) Just go home and take your leg and crack pot ideas with you!

Suzie quickly pats and fixes her hair before busying herself with the chair cushions. Father Corbin is wearing an overcoat, hat and carrying an umbrella. He has a small laptop bag over his shoulder and comes to the garden doors

FATHER: Good morning, Miss Somersby.

SUZIE: (turning round, being surprised and pleased) Oh, Father Corbin,
what a surprise! Come in, come in.

FATHER: Thank you. Terrible weather we’ve been having lately, but I dare say it won’t bother the ducks.

SUZIE: (happily) It will if I catch one for tomorrow’s dinner! (Offering) Let me take your coat. I'll hang it up in the utility room to drip out. I’d better take your umbrella too.

Suzie exits through the dining room door with the coat and umbrella. Father Corbin places his laptop bag onto the table and lays his hat on top of the bag. Suzie re-enters and closes the garden doors

FATHER: I hope everything is going well for you?

SUZIE: I’ve got nothing to complain about. (Gesture for him to sit) And I’ve been kept busy preparing for the celebration tomorrow.

FATHER: There's always plenty to do for these occasions. (Sits) And I hear Peter has returned home. He is well I assume?

SUZIE: Dunno about assuming that he’s well. But I know he’s tired and knackered out after the long journey to come home.

FATHER: (with agreement) I’ve only come a short distance from the city on the train; and that’s enough to knac - wear me out. So I can imagine his fatigue. (Brightly) Do you know, Miss Somersby, I positively believe you have grown since I last saw you?

SUZIE: (a little taken aback and glances down over herself) Do you think so?

FATHER: (happily confirming) Indeed I do. You’ve grown into a fine young woman.

Short pause as Father looks at Suzie then Suzie catches him looking at her with interest

SUZIE: (a little nervous) S-shall I tell Mrs. Coots you are here?

FATHER: (smiling) There’s no hurry. (Changing his manner) By the way, how’s your father getting on? I heard he was working here about.

SUZIE: He’s been working on the refuge centre.

FATHER: (quite brightly) He called upon me last time he was in the city, you know?

SUZIE: (with slight caution) No, I didn’t know.