Best Served Cold by Andrew Crossland
CHARACTERS
NARRATOR (22) - Lives in flat 3B The narrator is a young man named
Ian. Sometimes he will stand at the onstage lectern addressing the
audience, at others he will take part in the action as it unfolds. He
is brave and believes that people should stand up together against
corruption and evil. He is calm and relaxed during his narrating
scenes.
LAYLA (32) Lives in flat 3B Layla is the Narrator's wife.
She is quite timid at times, even with girls. She was very motivated
once in her life as a paramedic, but after an incident ten years ago,
she lost all her self confidence. She tries to live a quiet life, only
revealing her more adventurous side when in the company of Lee, with
whom she is having an affair.
ALEX (25) Lives in flat 3E He is courageous and confident even
in some of the worst situations. He is honest and tries to stand up
for what is right. He is fun and carefree when around Natalie, for
whom his love hasn't dimmed after over a decade together. He will do
anything to protect her, even at the cost of his own morals.
NATALIE (25) Lives in flat 3E Natalie is Alex's girlfriend
and his childhood sweetheart. As a couple they are still very
passionate for each other even after such a long time together. She is
obsessed with her exotic fish which she may love as much as Alex. She
is easily scared and isn't too bothered about what happens to others
as long as Alex and she are safe.
INGRID (Early 60s) Lives in flat 3D She should appear very
comical to others without realising it herself. She enjoys the finer
things and believes that she is more glamorous than she actually is.
She is very well spoken with a wide vocabulary, which she uses
indiscriminately. Has no concept of monetary value.
SETH (Late 60s/Early 70s) Lives in flat 3D Ingrid's husband
and polar opposite. She may drive him mad, but he loves her dearly.
His speech is rough around the edges. He is tight-fisted and likes to
save money wherever possible. He struggles to keep up with Ingrid's
expensive lifestyle.
KANE (30-45) Lives in flat 3A The 'bad guy' of the story.
Ten years ago he was much more of a villain than he is now. Back then
he would do anything for money and abused hard drugs himself. He has
cleaned up now and makes a living selling drugs to such people as he
once was. He can still be very nasty. He doesn't mind how society
views him and cares little for the consequences of his actions.
ERICA (24) - Lives in flat 3C A very bubbly character. She
doesn't let anything get her down. She loves her baby and puts up
with her boyfriend's father, Roger. Jolly at all times and little
fazes her.
LEE (33) Lives in flat 3C Lee is Erica's boyfriend. He tries
to avoid confrontation in cases where it will lead to trouble or
require effort from him. Somewhat lazy. Due to his girlfriend's
laid-back attitude he has never developed a proper father role as she
just takes care of everything, including looking after his father.
Like Layla, he only develops contrasting character traits when with
her, or dealing with subjects involving her.
ROGER (79) Lives in flat 3C A perverse, lazy old man. He gets
others to push him around in a wheelchair which he doesn't even
need. He can be very rude at times and speaks without thinking. He is
Lee's father. Treats Erica like a servant.
ISAAC (0) Lives in flat 3C Erica and Lee's baby. A doll can
be used to represent him.
DRUG USER (18-45) Kane's friend. In some ways he is worse than
him. He can be a real troublemaker and preys on the vulnerable. He
doesn't see a problem with anything he says or does and takes no
responsibility for his actions. He is always very scruffily dressed.
DAD (45) A man of morals. The sole carer for his son. He is an
inventor who enjoys his work more than the rewards it reaps. Cannot
see the bad in people.
SON (12) His mum died at a young age and so he is very attached to
his dad with whom he loves spending time with. He can be very
independent when his dad isn't around.
HOODED FIGURE Can be played by anyone as long as there are no
distinguishing features that can identify who it is. The audience need
to be able to suspect it as being any of the cast. It wears a hoody
with combat trousers and balaclava.
PROSECUTION, DEFENCE and JUDGE Can be played by either gender and
any age. Some minor dialogue changes may need to be made to
accommodate the actor.
Act 1 Scene 1 Third Floor Corridor Friday Morning
(The scene opens onto the main set. This is a corridor in front of
five doors labelled 3A, 3B, 3C, 3D and 3E from left to right. To the
front of stage right is a lectern that the NARRATOR will use regularly
throughout. On the front of stage left is a large red box that houses
a fire hose. The NARRATOR enters and takes up his post at the
lectern.)
NARRATOR: Hello everyone! My name's Ian, andand as hard as it is
for me to replay the events, I'm here, now, to tell you the full
story about the tragedy that befell me. I'm sure most of you have
read about it in the papers or seen it on the news, but now is your
chance to hear it directly from me. It all takes place inside a block
of flats that I owned, on the third floor. On this floor there were
five flats. I'll start by telling you a little bit about the people
living in them
(DRUG USER enters stage right and gives a coded knock on door 3A. KANE
opens it. He checks the corridor before stepping out. DRUG USER hands
KANE a few bank notes. KANE swaps this for a small bag. DRUG USER
walks off stage right. KANE returns to his flat. NARRATOR speaks
during this.)
NARRATOR: That's the resident scumbag. He lived next door to me. It
wasn't the best. He always had the most obnoxious characters hanging
around. He kicked his own Drug addiction some years ago and then
started to make money from those who hadn't.
(Entering from stage right is the NARRATOR's wife, LAYLA. She walks
up to door 3B, takes out her key and enters without a word.)
NARRATOR: That was my wife. She's ten years older than me, but I
didn't mind. She didn't have a job, so we were living off what I
got from renting out these flats. Money was tight, but living in one
of the flats ourselves saved us a bit.
(Entering from stage left is LEE and his girlfriend ERICA. ERICA is
carrying baby ISAAC with her. Also being pushed in a wheelchair by LEE
is ROGER.)
ROGER: Come on boy, Sex in the City'll have started already.
Hopefully I'll have just missed the 'city' part.
LEE: Well if you'd walked up the stairs yourself, dad, we'd have
got here ten minutes ago.
ROGER: If you'd not moved us up here in the first place, there
wouldn't be any stairs to carry me up, would there?
ERICA: He's got a point there. Carrying Isaac up these stairs
everyday can't be doing my back any favours.
LEE: Oh come on, you two. You know times are tough. And besides,
you're the one who picked this place, Erica.
ERICA: I didn't have much choice on our current budget, did I?
ROGER: Just hurry up and get me inside or they'll have their clothes
back on.
(They head inside 3C)
NARRATOR: That's our largest family. As you can probably tell, these
pokey flats aren't ideal for a new-born baby and an elderly parent.
(Entering from stage left is the young couple ALEX and NATALIE in
loving embrace. They hurriedly enter the closest room (3E) amidst a
fit of giggles and groping.)
NARRATOR: Ah, young love! (pause) They don't leave the flat much.
(pauses to look at the flat doors briefly) Well, now that you know who
everyone is, I'll begin my story. I'll start from the morning two
days before the incident… (NARRATOR exits)
(ERICA enters the corridor from 3C and knocks on door 3B. LAYLA
emerges wearing a dressing gown. ERICA is wearing her uniform ready to
head to the local Supermarket where she works. ERICA is being very
enthusiastic throughout the conversation whereas LAYLA is behaving
quite evasively.)
ERICA: Morning, Layla!
LAYLA: Morning, Erica.
ERICA: Don't forget about tonight!
LAYLA: Tonight?
ERICA: Yeah! (pause) Lee is taking Isaac and his dad out to give me a
night off. We were gonna have a girly night remember?
LAYLA: Oh right. Yeah. Of course!
ERICA: So don't forget! Anyway, I can't stand and chat. Some of us
have jobs to get to you know! Thank God it's Friday!
ERICA: heads off stage right. LAYLA reacts to her sarcastic comment.
KANE enters from flat 3A and locks his door. He spots LAYLA.
KANE: All right love? (LAYLA pretends not to hear) ALL RIGHT LOVE!
LAYLA: (Not looking at him) Hi.
KANE: Nice outfit!
(Ignoring him, LAYLA attempts to return to her flat, but KANE marches
over and puts his arm across her doorway, blocking her escape route.)
KANE: Hey, where you going? Don't you know it's rude to ignore
someone when they're talking to you?
LAYLA: (Looking down at the floor and not at him) I'm sorry, I'm
just tired.
KANE: It's also rude not to look at someone when they're talking
to you. But I suppose I could let you off, (tracing his finger around
the collar of her dressing gown) seeing as though you make this
corridor look so much better.
(The door to flat 3C opens and KANE steps back. LEE steps out, holding
ISAAC and struggling to push ROGER at the same time!)
KANE: (exiting stage right backwards whilst talking to LAYLA) Been
nice seeing you.
LEE: (to LAYLA) What was that about?
LAYLA: Just our resident perv.
LEE: Oh dear! You're best off keeping your distance.
ROGER: I don't like his sort, ogling young women for a cheap thrill.
He should be ashamed of himself.
LEE: The other day you asked Erica if you could help her shower. You
don't exactly treat women with respect, dad.
ROGER: Yeah, but I'm old. It's funny when I do it.
LEE: Anyway, I'll see you later, Layla. I've got to drop dad off
at the gym!
LAYLA: (to ROGER) I didn't know you went to a gym.
ROGER: There's a lot you don't know about me love. (loosening up
shoulders) I like to keep in shape.
LEE: No, what he actually does, is sits in the Jacuzzi all day and
stares at the women. Anyway the quicker I get rid of him, the quicker
I'll be back. (winks at LAYLA)
LAYLA: (putting a hand on LEE's shoulder as he heads off stage
right) Bye.
(LAYLA returns to her flat. ALEX emerges from door 3E dressed in a
mechanics uniform. NATALIE is hanging from his neck, being dragged
limply out into the corridor. She is still in her pyjamas.)
NATALIE: Please, please, please.
ALEX: I have to.
NATALIE: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease!
ALEX: I'd love to stay, but someone has to pay for this place.
NATALIE: Pleeeeeeeeeeeease!
ALEX: Do you want us back living with your parents?
NATALIE: (sulkily with a sigh) No!
ALEX: (he stops, takes her arms off of him and turns towards her) Last
day today though, then I can spend all weekend with you.
(NATALIE just looks at him and flutters her eyes.)
ALEX: If it helps, you make it very hard to leave. The life of a
student can't be that bad.
NATALIE: Urgh. Fine! (begins to retreat towards 3E) At least I have my
fish for company.
(NATALIE retreats back into 3E never taking her eyes off ALEX, who, in
turn, walks backwards towards stage right blowing her a kiss and bumps
into DRUG USER who has entered from stage right.)
DRUG USER: (aggressively) Watch where you're going!
ALEX: Oops, sorry, bud! (exits stage right)
(DRUG USER knocks loudly on flat 3A. There is no answer. He knocks
loudly again, waits a moment and then knocks on door 3B. LAYLA
emerges, dressed nicely now, and wearing makeup.)
DRUG USER: Hello, darling. Do you know where Kane has gone?
LAYLA: Who?
DRUG USER: Kane! He lives next door to you. (pointing at 3A)
LAYLA: Oh! I saw HIM leaving not too long ago.
DRUG USER: He told me he'd be home all day.
LAYLA: I can't help you. Sorry. (she attempts to close her door, but
DRUG USER puts his foot in the way)
DRUG USER: Do you know where he went?
LAYLA: (shaking as she speaks) I already told you, I don't know
where he is, so can you please leave me alone or I'm calling the
police.
DRUG USER: There's no need to be like that. I was only asking a
question.
LAYLA: And I can't help you! So just let me shut my door. (opens and
closes the door on his foot, repeatedly, getting more and more upset)
(DRUG USER begins laughing loudly, KANE enters from stage right.)
KANE: What's going on out here?
DRUG USER: (to KANE, not removing his foot from the door) Where've
you been?
KANE: Just nipped to the shop for some fags. (indicating to his foot
in the door) What's going on?
DRUG USER: I was just asking this lass where you were, but she was
being very rude!
KANE: Oh was she really. (looking at LAYLA) Well then, love! That's
twice today, isn't it! And it's not even nine. You'll have to
make this up to us somehow.
LAYLA: (not wanting to look up) I wasn't being rude; I just don't
want your lifestyle knocking at my door.
KANE: My lifestyle? You think you're better than me?
LAYLA: No, no it's not that, I just
KANE: (interrupting) You know, it's one thing to be funny with me;
but if you start being funny with my clients, thenwell then,
you're costing me money. And if you cost me money, you have to
reimburse me.
LAYLA: Please just leave me alone!
KANE: You know, you've scrubbed up quite nicely since we last
spoke.
(NARRATOR enters from stage right. He is now a part of the action.)
NARRATOR: What's going on?
LAYLA: (confused) Ian?
NARRATOR: Is everything ok? (walking up to DRUG USER)
LAYLA: This man won't let me shut my door.
NARRATOR: Step back please, sir! (nothing) STEP BACK NOW!
(DRUG USER begrudgingly steps away allowing the NARRATOR to step
between them.)
NARRATOR: Kane! If you enjoy living here I suggest you keep a low
profile. I don't want you or your friend bothering my wife again.
DRUG USER: (squaring up to him) Oh yeah, and who are you, his
landlord?
KANE: (to DRUG USER) Actually, he is. Come on mate.
(They both head inside 3A. Crying, LAYLA throws her arms around
NARRATOR and hugs him tightly.)
LAYLA: I'm so glad to see you, that was awful! (realising and
letting go of him) How come you're back already? Did you forget
something?
NARRATOR: No, a potential tenant cancelled, so I've got a free hour.
I thought I'd pop back and see you. You look nice. Are you going
somewhere?
LAYLA: (struggling a little) OherI was thinking of going into to
town to see if I could find a job.
NARRATOR: Well, just have a minute. You're still shaking.
(NARRATOR grabs LAYLA and hugs her again. NARRATOR is facing stage
right and LAYLA is facing stage left. LEE enters from stage left
carrying ISAAC. He walks halfway down the corridor, spots the couple
and freezes momentarily. He shares a stare with LAYLA and then
continues into flat 3C looking disappointed.)
End of Scene 1
Act 1 Scene 2 Flat 3C Friday Evening
(NARRATOR takes his place at his lectern under a lit spotlight. The
rest of the stage is in darkness.)
NARRATOR: (explaining to the audience) It is all relevant! (pause) Ok!
I'll move on to later that evening. It was then that my wife was
having her 'girly' night with Erica
(NARRATOR exits. The scene opens up to the inside of flat 3C. We see
two sofas at right angles facing a TV.)
ERICA: (offstage) Are you ready?
LAYLA: (offstage) I feel silly!
ERICA: (offstage) Oh come on, I'll be showing you mine.
LAYLA: (offstage) I don't want to see yours.
ERICA: (offstage) Oh don't be so shy, everybody has them.
LAYLA: (offstage) I know, but my husband is the only one that gets to
see mine.
ERICA: (offstage) Oh come on.
LAYLA: (offstage) Urgh! Fine!
ERICA: (offstage) We'll go together! On three! One, two, THREE!
(ERICA and LAYLA both jump on stage from opposite ends wearing
ridiculous onesies. They both start laughing at each other.)
ERICA: Come on, let's crack that wine open and get a film on.
(They get comfortable on one of the sofas.)
LAYLA: I can't believe I'm doing this.
ERICA: Don't tell me you've never been to a girly night before?
LAYLA: Yeah, but, never in a onesie!
ERICA: Hey, don't knock it. This day and age, it's not a proper
girl's night unless you're in a onesie.
LAYLA: (grabbing the bottle) I'll be fine once I'm drunk and
can't remember.
ERICA: Can you handle your wine?
LAYLA: (pouring two glasses, taking a sip from one) Of course! I live
off the stuff. You?
ERICA: (grabbing the other glass) Oh please, the stuff's like water
to me.
(Brief blackout to signify a short passage of time. ERICA and LAYLA
are now very merry. They are both laughing loudly and pouring more
wine. Flickering light is coming from the TV, as well as the sound of
a chick flick playing.)
ERICA: (shouting at the TV and gesturing) Oh come on, like you would
ever do that!
LAYLA: (also shouting at the TV and gesturing) Yeah, urgh! Just dump
him. You're way better than that.
ERICA: These films are so unrealistic. I don't know why so many
girls cry over them.
LAYLA: Me too! You wouldn't catch me sobbing over any film.
(Brief blackout to signify a short passage of time. Both girls are now
in floods of tears, blowing their noses into tissues and struggling
with their speech. The TV is playing the sound of a chick flick coming
to an end.)
LAYLA: (blubbering, barely audible, with pauses between each word)
She. Was. So. Strong.
ERICA: (blubbering, barely audible, with pauses between each word)
She. Deserved. So. Much. Better.
LAYLA: (blubbering, barely audible, with pauses between each word)
She. Was. A. True. Inspiration.
(ERICA wails loudly. They both eventually calm down and ERICA switches
the film off. LAYLA tries to pour more wine from the empty bottle.)
LAYLA: Well that's the last of the wine.
ERICA: I'd have bought some more, but rent day's coming up so
I've got to go steady
LAYLA: Oh right, yeah. You should have said and I would have paid. I
forget that people pay rent.
ERICA: You're lucky. One of the perks of being married to the
landlord, I suppose. What's that like?
LAYLA: It's ok.
ERICA: Oooh that doesn't sound good. Is everything all right with
you two?
LAYLA: Wellthings are a bit(pause) I shouldn't be talking
about this with you.
ERICA: Come on. That's the whole point of girly nights. Go on,
things are a bit, what?
LAYLA: A bitwellboring. And it's like he's always got
something else on his mind. We're probably just both into different
things.
ERICA: It's a bit late to be finding that out after you're
married.
LAYLA: I think it's our age gap. I'm starting to see the drawback
of being married to a younger man. I sometimes forget he's only
twenty two.
ERICA: Oh yeah. It's easy to forget his age with all he's
achieved. It's quite impressive for someone so young. So, are things
between you two really bad at the minute?
LAYLA: No not at all! He's really nice to me. He has no idea I've
been feeling like this.
ERICA: It must be weighing on you a bit. Is that why you always look
so tired?
LAYLA: No, no, (sarcastically) and thanks for that! No, recently
I've been having these nightmares. They make me dread going to
sleep.
ERICA: Nightmares about what?
LAYLA: They're about something that happened when I was younger.
Back when I was working as a paramedic. I keep reliving something I
did. Something terrible!
ERICA: What did you do?
LAYLA: Someone died and I lied about how it happened. I've felt
guilty about it ever since.
ERICA: Why would you lie?
LAYLA: (hesitating) III'm not supposed to say.
ERICA: What do you mean? It's ok, you can tell me.
LAYLA: (panicking) Please! I shouldn't have said anything. Just
forget it.
ERICA: Ermok, if it's really that bad.
LAYLA: (changing the subject) Anyway what about you? How are you
coping since Lee lost his job?
ERICA: You mean got fired?
LAYLA: Well, yeah.
ERICA: I just wish he'd hurry up and find another job so we can move
out of this place. No offence to Ian, but this is just too small for
us lot!
LAYLA: How did he lose his job?
ERICA: Well, don't let him know I told you, but he was fired when
they found drugs in his locker.
LAYLA: What? I'm guessing that didn't go down too well. A police
officer with drugs in his locker!
ERICA: It didn't obviously, but he was already under investigation
for negligence, so they used this to finish him off.
LAYLA: I can't believe that Lee would ever take drugs!
ERICA: He says they were planted.
LAYLA: And what do you think?
ERICA: I believe him. As for the neglect thing, that's probably
true. I don't think that job was really for him. He was at it for
over ten years and he never really got the hang of it. He hates
confrontation, so he used to look the other way whenever he could, for
an easy life. But drugs! No way. Not Lee.
LAYLA: It's bad timing with you two just having a baby.
ERICA: Isaac was bad timing anyway.
LAYLA: Why?
ERICA: I'd only met Lee a few weeks before I got pregnant. He thinks
I trapped him!
LAYLA: I always assumed you'd been together much longer!
ERICA: Nope! I doubt it will last. I think he's just sticking around
for the baby. And besides, if anyone's been trapped, it's me.
(listing) He loses his job as a police officer, I have to live with
his pervy old dad, and we all have to survive on my supermarket wage.
(sarcastically) How cunning I must have been to trap him
LAYLA: I didn't realise things were so bad.
ERICA: I'm not overly bothered. It's all extra bodies to take care
of Isaac. Once he's grown up, Lee can please himself.
LAYLA: That's a very laid back way of looking at things. Good for
you.
ERICA: The thing about Lee is (keys are heard off stage right)
Shush, that'll be them.
(LEE comes in from stage right carrying a bag, ISAAC, and pushing
ROGER in his wheelchair.)
ROGER: absolute nonsense. Where were all the naked ladies?
LEE: I hardly think that a play called 'The Secretary' was going
to have nudity in it.
ROGER: Well I've got a video with same name that's full of it.
LEE: Yes, well. I think that's a different kind of entertainment,
dad.
ERICA: So, you three had fun then?
ROGER: No! He took me to the theatre. I hate it there. Full of posh
types and smarmy gits!
ERICA: (to LEE) The theatre? And Isaac sat quiet through that?
LEE: Yeah, he slept right through.
ERICA: Well, maybe take him somewhere a bit more baby appropriate next
time ok? Anyway, give him here. (taking ISAAC) I'll put him in his
cot.
ROGER: You can tuck me in as well whilst you're at it. I need a lie
down after that.
ERICA: Tuck yourself in you dirty old git!
(ERICA exits stage left whilst carrying ISAAC. ROGER follows her off.
LEE takes a seat next to LAYLA on the sofa.)
LEE: So, how was your night really?
LAYLA: It was ok. I'm just feeling really guilty. Erica is really
nice. It's so much worse now that I've spent some time with her.
LEE: I know and I'm sorry you've had to go through that.
LEE: looks around and then leans in for a kiss, but LAYLA pushes him
away.
LAYLA: Not here!
LEE: It's ok, she'll be a while yet. (he tries again)
LAYLA: (pushing her away again) I don't care.
LEE: When then?
LAYLA: (hesitates) Come round the day after tomorrow, in the
afternoon. Ian won't be home then.
LEE: Ok (he smiles).
LAYLA: What's in the bag?
LEE: It's dad's birthday next week and I've bought him a mobile
phone. (taking the phone box out of the bag and showing her) I think
it's time he had his own.
LAYLA: Will he know how to use it?
LEE: Oh yes. It's as much a present for me as it is for him. I'm
sick of him filling mine up with dodgy videos.
LAYLA: (laughs) Well I'm gonna get going. Say bye to Erica for me.
LEE: Wait, I'll see you out.
(LEE and LAYLA head of stage right.)
End of Scene 2
Act 1 Scene 3 Third Floor Corridor Saturday Morning
(NARRATOR takes his usual spot at his lectern.)
NARRATOR: I didn't know it at the time, but my wife's infidelity
would cast major suspicion on me in the events to comeAnyway,
I'll move on to the following morning. It was then that I filled the
last flat on the corridor
[end of extract]