A Piece of Paper by Bob Galley
A PIECE OF PAPER.
A Melodrama in One-act
CAST:- TEACHER.
BABETTE (The Maid).
LORD WINDOWSCHMERE.
LADY WINDOWSCHMERE.
WATT (The Butler).
LORD MONTAGUE ELPUS.
ROWENA RAMSBOTHAM.
The COOK.
ANGELA WINDOWSCHMERE.
REGINALD RAMSBOTHAM.
(There are several songs based on Gilbert &Sullivan. It is not
necessary to use them. The text may need to be altered if the songs
are not used. The character, BABETTE, could double as the pianist.)
The scene is a living room. There is a sideboard with a small
cupboard. A piece of paper and a ssauce bottle are inside the
cupboard. There is a podium with a lectern and two chairs to one side
of the stage. A bell rings off stage. TEACHER enters in academic dress
and mounts the podium. He has a sheath of papers which he places on
the lectern.
TEACHER: Class may sit.
(Looks at the audience.)
O, you're not standing. Just shows you how standards have
deteriorated. Today it's drama. We are going to study our set play—-
You, in the back- I can see what you're doing. Stop it at once. As I
was saying we're going to run through our set play, “A Piece of
Paper”. Now this is a Victorian melodrama and I want you to pay close
attention to all the nuances and subtleties, if you know what that
means. Right! Now at the start of the play Lord and Lady Windowschmere
are on stage.
(LORD Windowschmere is standing reading a letter.
LADY Windowschmere is seated,fanning herself.)
Babette, the French maid enters.
(BABETTE, in a skimpy maid's outfit enters. She is a very well endowed
young woman and flaunts it. She brings a tray of sandwiches which she
puts down next to LADY. Lady W looks carefully at the sanwiches. As
Babette passes LORD he pats her on the bum. She reacts and goes FC
bowing and blowing kisses to the audience.)
However, because of financial constraints, we won't be seeing
Babette on stage any more—-
(BABETTE confronts him.)
But if she promises to be a good girl, she can be my assistant.
(He tries to take her hand but she slaps his hand and sits at the
podium.)
So, on with the story. Lady Maude Windowshmere is reading her
favourite magazine "Snob magazine"
(She puts her fan down. The fan will be left on the settee and people
will have to move it from time to time. She picks up the magazine.)
and Lord Claude has just finished reading a letter.
LORD: Oh, dear!
LADY: What is it dear?
LORD: This letter, my dear.
LADY; Another one of your mistresses, I suppose.
LORD: No. Not this time. It's a letter from my banker, my dear.
LADY: That petty bourgeois non-entity. What does he say?
LORD: That there will be no more credit.
LADY: How insulting. It just shows you how standards have
deteriorated. The lower middle classes just don't seem to know their
place any more. I suggest we move our accounts to another bank.
LORD: Funny, that's exactly what he said. I can't understand, but we
seem to have lost all our money.
LADY: All of it?
LORD: Well nearly all. Listen.
(SONG:- tune from "It's a Forst Rate Opportunity" from “The
Pirates of Penzance”, Sullivan.)
LORD: We've a problem with liquidity,
And financial instability.
It seems that our annuity
Has just vanished in obscurity.
Our affairs are in a mess,
In short, we're nearly penniless.
And so it's impecunity
And financial insecurity.
LADY: But what of all our dividends,
Our shares, insurance, odds and ends.
If we cash them all we'll make amends
For the overdraft embarrassment.
LORD: 'Fraid my dear that's all been done,
They've been flogged off, every one.
Therefore it is evident
That our future is improvident.
TEACHER: We thought it was appropriate that we bung in a bit of
Gilbert &Sullivan, this being sort of contemporaneous with the plot.
But to return to the action. Her Ladyship has just been informed that
they have lost all their money.
LORD: I can't understand it, but we seem to have lost all our money.
LADY: What a bother. Whatever shall we do?
LORD: I suppose we just have to economize.
LADY: How?
LORD: I could sell the Rolls.
LADY: No Claude. You can't do that.
LORD: Good Lord, Maud. Why not?
LADY: Because they haven't invented the horseless carriage yet.
LORD: O, then it only remains to retrench the retainers.
LADY: You could start with that French au pair, Babette.
(BABETTE moves towards the stage but TEACHER restrains her.)
LORD: Boobette! er—Babette!
LADY: Yes she's totally useless. She's got no good points at all.
LORD: I can think of two.
LADY: Claude, she's utterly useless, she doesn't do the dusting,
incompetent as a cleaner and woeful as a waitress, and what's more she
can't even do the vacuuming. No, that's not right, vacuum cleaners
haven't been invented yet. She's chaotic in the kitchen and a
liability in the laundry, and furthermore she can't even make the
beds.
LORD: I disagree, she makes my bed very well. I would like to hang on
to her services, I intend to be firm about that. No, I say we get rid
of that incompetent gardener.
LADY: Mellors! Must retain Mellors.
TEACHER: I wonder how many of you have understood the literary
significance of—No. Didn't think so.
(LADY tastes the sandwich, and grimaces.)
LADY: That settles it, we'll fire the cook.
(LORD also tastes the sandwich, grimaces and nods in agreement as WATT
enters.)
WATT: Excuse me my Lord.
LORD: What is it, Watt?
WATT: Lord Elpus is without.
LORD: Without what, Watt?
WATT: Outside, my Lord.
LORD: What does he want, Watt?
WATT: I don't know my lord.
LORD: Well ask him Watt.
(Exit WATT)
Perhaps we ought to pension him off.
LADY: No dear. You can't do that.They haven't invented pensions yet.
But who is this Lord Elpus?
LORD: Montague, my nephew.
(Sinister music.)
LADY: Isn't he the one who had that disgraceful affair with the
Governor's daughter?
(LORD nods)
And was drummed out of the regiment for misappropriating the Mess
silver?
LORD: Yes and no; you see, he did steal the silver but he was
cashiered for a far more contemptible crime: he passed the port with
his left hand!
LADY: O no! The shame of it all! And he is your nephew!
LORD: Yes. My brother Charles and his wife Diana were missionaries.
Went to the Sandwich Islands and were eaten.
LADY: Eaten!
LORD: Harrowing experience. Had two children, boy and a girl. Never
heard any more about either of them until that business with the
Governor's daughter. No idea what happened to the girl.
(Enter WATT)
WATT: Excuse me, my Lord, Lord Elpus wishes to see you. Shall I show
him in?
LORD: Yes Watt.
WATT: Very good my Lord. Oh! My Lady, the gardener wants to see you.
LADY: Oh! Oh! Mellors!—yes of course.
(WATT exits. LADY preens herself, loosening the top of her blouse.)
Coming, coming.
(LADY exits. WATT re-enters with MONTAGUE.)
WATT: Lord Elpus.
(WATT exits with the sandwiches. He tastes one and indicates extreme
displeasure.)
MONTAGUE: Hello, uncle.
LORD: Montague?
MONTAGUE: Yes. How are you?
LORD: Well, Montague.
MONTAGUE: You do not fool me, uncle.
(He picks up the letter, shows it to LORD and pockets it.)
I know your predicament. (Aside) You see it was I who embezzled all
his money.
(BABETTE holds up a sign “BOO. HISS”. MONTAGUE moves as if continuing
but reverts to the aside.)
Once I had established my bona fides with that bogus bank in the
Bahamas, it was child's play to convince even the most suspicious
solicitor that I in fact was the legal heir, with the power of
attorney. It was just so simple. (Back) Yes, uncle, I know that you
are bankrupt.
LORD: Not yet. I have these shares in a gold mine.
(Takes a piece of paper from the bookcase)
MONTAGUE: Let me see.
(MONTAGUE takes the document.)
Those shares are worthless.
LORD: Worthless?
MONTAGUE: Not worth a brass razu.
(He places the share certificate on the table.)
But I shall relieve you of them for a hundred pounds.
LORD: Why?
MONTAGUE: Because I do not wish to see you totally destitute—(aside)
at least not yet—(back) and as your only male heir, I must make sure
that the estate stays in the family.
LORD: And if I refuse?
MONTAGUE: Then uncle, I shall tell the world of your embarrassing
financial situation. Can you imagine the consequences of such a
disclosure?
LORD: Dishonour.
MONTAGUE: Disgrace.
LORD: Discredit.
(LORD pours a glass of port.)
MONTAGUE: There is one more condition.
LORD: One more?
MONTAGUE: Yes. You have a daughter.
LORD: O, yes. Pretty young thing. Er - er - what's her name?
MONTAGUE: Angela.
LORD: O, yes.
MONTAGUE: I will have her hand in marriage.
LORD: No! A cad like you. Never!
MONTAGUE: Uncle, may I remind you what would
[End of Extract]