A Bel Air Lawyer in King Henry's Court by Christina Hamlett

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This Play is the copyright of the Author and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent

CAST OF CHARACTERS

Henry VIII - King of England

Jerome Steinberg - A lawyer from the 23rd Century

CIRCA - The story takes place between the years 1527 and 1542

SETTING - All action transpires in Henry's ornate quarters at the
Tower of London.

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE
May, 1527, Evening

SFX: The lively strains of “Sellengers Round” are heard shortly
before the curtain goes up and gradually taper off as the action
begins. (English ballad - Anon. Sample CD recording found on title
UNDER THE GREENWOOD TREE, Estampie/Graham Derrick.)

AT RISE: The room is a decidely masculine blend of deep reds, golds,
dark woods, and stone. The furniture, though sparse, is heavy and
imposing, much like the monarch who uses it. Upstage center is a
massive fireplace and hearth. A large lancet window through which
the night sky can be seen is angled at stage right. Angled stage left
is an arched doorway leading to a stone hall. To the right of
centerstage is a high-backed throne on a platform. Downstage left is
a table with the carnage of enough leftovers to feed a small country.
The walls are adorned with tapestries of the period, as well as
sconces and prized weaponry.

When first we see HENRY, he is not quite as wide of girth as we know
him from portraits; he is, however, a tall, formidably built man
attired in velvet and brocade and employing all the trappings of
royalty right down to his thick, bejeweled fingers. Henry likes being
king.

Equally at peace with his career choice is JEROME STEINBERG, a
quick-witted Jewish divorce lawyer who might have stepped off the
pages of GQ. Although he is from the distant future, Jerome has a
fondness for well-tailored clothing from the late twentieth century.
In this scene, he wears a black double-breasted suit, white shirt, and
power tie.

HENRY
(bellowing loudly, offstage)
I shall not be played a bloody fool! I am Lord of England and all
who quiver beneath her crush! Think not that I am deceived by palace
miscreants, nor amused by servants' games of mockery!

HENRY VIII briskly enters from stage left, then turns sharply to
address his unseen listener.

HENRY (CONT'D)
Explain from whence thou came to disrupt my court and my supper or be
prepared to put thy sorry neck to the block!

JEROME strolls in, nonplussed by Henry's tirade.

JEROME
What part of 'The Future' exactly isn't sinking in?

HENRY
The future? Bah!
(points at him with a large drumstick)
Thine impertinence vexes me!

JEROME
Oh come on, Hank, you're a smart guy. And don't point that thing
unless you're going to use it.

HENRY
Thou shall address me at all times with the respect of my proper
title!
(before Jerome can respond)
Henry of England, descended of the House of Tudor, Defender of the
Faith and Realm, and Master of all that flies by night, crawls by day,
and swims the ocean blue!

JEROME
Isn't that a little long?

HENRY
Far longer than my royal patience.

JEROME
(shrug)
In all the books I recall, you were just plain 'Henry the Eighth'.

HENRY
(insulted)
There is nothing plain about me whatsoever! I am the son of the
great Henry the Seventh. My first male heir shall be Henry the Ninth,
and his son after that—

JEROME
I wouldn't hold my breath on that one, if I were you.

HENRY
(suspiciously intrigued)
Thine ears have heard a rumor?
(takes a big bite of the drumstick)

JEROME
It's not what I've heard. It's what I've read.

HENRY
(vigorously chewing)
Ah yes, a learned man…or so thou pretends.

JEROME
No pretense, Hank. Er—Your Majesty. Neh, let's just dispense with
the titles altogether and talk this out, you 'n' me. Just a couple of
amigos. How 'bout if I call you 'Henry'? Does 'Henry' work for you?

HENRY
The ground on which thou treads grows dangerously thin.

JEROME
Then let me just cut to the chase. Where I come from, you've been
toast for 700 years.

HENRY
Toast? What manner of babble is this?

JEROME
It's what I've been trying to tell you ever since I crossed your
moat…which, by the way and from the scum on it, is a health hazard
just waiting to happen.

HENRY
Enough of this nonsense! State thy kingdom of origin and make haste
about it!

JEROME
For the time being, let's just say that I'm not from here.

HENRY
Thy speech and comical dress suggest as much.
(suddenly snaps fingers in inspiration)
The North, I should wager!

JEROME
The North?

HENRY
I have a dozen enemies there who would wish me ill.
(smears his mouth with the back of his hand)

JEROME
And half a dozen ladies to wish they'd succeeded…

HENRY
Ladies?

JEROME
To be specific, wives. Yours.

HENRY
I have only one of such to speak and soon enough I shall not speak of
her at all!
(takes another messy bite)

JEROME
That would be Catherine.

HENRY
(as he messily chews)
And thy scholarship of the Queen would be what?

JEROME
Daughter of Isabella of Castille and Ferdinand of Aragon. Spouse of
your late brother Artie and your own since 1509. As you can see, I've
done my homework.

HENRY
(hearty laugh)
Am I to be stirred by things of such common knowledge?

JEROME
Stirred…and shaken. Did I mention you've also got a daughter named
Mary?

HENRY
If it be thy quest to humor this court, enlighten me with something
of which I am ignorant.

JEROME
Piece of cake.
(withdrawing a business card and handing it to Henry)
Jerome Steinberg. I'll be representing your wife in the divorce
proceedings.

HENRY
(studies the card with a scowl)
What scrabble of markings is this?

JEROME
You can't read that? Damn, and I printed it up in Olde English just
to knock your socks off.

He takes the card back and explains it line by line.

JEROME (CONT'D)
Okay, so this part here's my name—Edward Jerome Steinberg—then
you've got the firm—Steinberg, Steinberg and Finch—

HENRY
There is more than one such…Stein-berg?

JEROME
No relation. Then there's Bel Air, yadda, yadda, yadda California
blah-blah-blah and so forth—not that a phone number does you any
good.

He starts to put the card back inside his jacket.

JEROME (CONT'D)
Nobody's gonna be there—

Henry thrusts out his hand; Jerome gives the card back.

JEROME (CONT'D)
—for awhile.

HENRY
Hmm…

He takes another bite, tosses the drumstick over his shoulder as he
chews thoughtfully and studies the card; after a moment, he senses
that Jerome is watching him. He lifts his head, their eyes meet;
without looking away, he rips the card twice and tosses the pieces in
Jerome's face with a laugh.

HENRY (CONT'D)
Thy words, sir, deem thee raving mad!

JEROME
Me personally? Mad? Not so much. Your wife, on the other hand—

HENRY
(stubbornly, with arms folded)
She is not my wife!

JEROME
I got nearly two decades says she is. Throw in a bunch of witness
depos and that's gonna cost you big-time, kiddo. You're lookin' at
half a kingdom, a couple castles, long term support…not to mention
visitation rights with the kid.

HENRY
What does thou take me for?!

JEROME
Probably fifteen, twenty percent on top of that. Not to rain on your
parade, big guy, but you can't just dump a queen like Cathy after that
many years of marital bliss and walk scot-free.

HENRY
The Scots and their bloody freedom! I knew it! They are the
clapper-clawed maggot-pies behind such treachery!

With his back momentarily to Henry, Jerome withdraws what appears to
be a shiny pen from his lapel pocket, clicks it and speaks into it
like a recorder.

JEROME
Memo-to-file: “Scot” is a red-flag word.
(as he clicks it off and returns it to his pocket)
To the contrary, Your Honor, I came here completely under my own
power.

HENRY
Power?! Bah! No one has more power than I!

He strides past Jerome toward the table of food.

JEROME
His Holiness the Pope would probably disagree. As a matter of fact,
I know he disagrees.

HENRY
His words carry no weight against mine!

He hungrily helps himself to a snack.

JEROME
(watching him eat)
Yeah, well, your weight's certainly gonna be a force to be reckoned
with. I've seen your pictures.

HENRY
(as he chews)
Pictures?

JEROME
(correcting himself)
Portraits. Not to mention your suit of armor.
(clucking his tongue)
Someone certainly thinks highly of himself…

HENRY
Thou presumes to mock me?

JEROME
No more than anybody else, especially those clowns you call your
counsel.

HENRY
(indignantly)
They are men of truth.

JEROME
Truth? Oh, come on—they're men of crap. They'll tell you whatever
you want to hear just to keep their heads on their shoulders.

HENRY
I am king. It is their purpose to fill my ears with expressions of
flattery.

JEROME
Like telling you your marriage all these years wasn't valid?

HENRY
(as he pours himself a tankard of wine)
She was my brother's bride.

JEROME
He was sickly and 15. It's not like they ever “knew each other”
before he croaked, if you get my drift.

HENRY
I have spoken with friends to whom he confided of laying.

JEROME
Don't you mean 'lying'?

He strolls toward the throne where he will casually take a seat.

JEROME (CONT'D)
We're talkin' about a bunch of teenagers, Henry—they'll brag their
asses off about anything just to look good to their buddies.

HENRY
(outraged, he points at Jerome)
How dare thy tales speak treason against the dead!

JEROME
Look, I'm not saying your bro was a bad person to exaggerate a
little. We all do it. You probably did it a time or two yourself,
right?

HENRY
Remove thyself at once!

JEROME
Nope. No can do. Not until my work here is done.

HENRY
Do it now, I say! Tis an order of the King!

JEROME
Okay, let's get something straight here, shall we? You're not my
lord. I'm not your subject. Furthermore, I'm not gonna kiss your
king-sized ass and you better just get used to it. Cathy, on the
other hand, is my client and I intend to get her a fair settlement.

HENRY
(slowly and between clenched teeth)
Thy buttocks are touching my throne.

JEROME
(as if noticing for the first time)
Oh.

As he eases out off the seat, he uses the recorder once again.

JEROME (CONT'D)
Memo-to-file: don't sit in the big chair.

[end of extract]

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