7 Shorts by Andy Rooster Bloch


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This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author’s PRIOR consent


THE INTERVIEW
      Comedy
      2 characters (2 MEN)

      About: A company looks to hire an employee with a most unusual job
      title.

      (An OFFICE. WALTERS sits behind his desk doing paperwork. He is 40s,
      American, quite affable. He wears a nice shirt and tie. On the desk
      sit TWO MUFFINS.

      SHAW enters. He is 50s, pompous, with a very faint English accent. **
      Note: this is key to the play. He wears a suit and tie and carries a
      MANILA ENVELOPE. Walters stands to greet him.)

      WALTERS
      Welcome. Shaw is it?

      SHAW
      Yes. Mr. -

      (They shake hands.)

      WALTERS
      Walters.

      SHAW
      Of course.

      WALTERS
      Have a seat.

      SHAW
      Why thank you.

      (Shaw sits at a chair near the desk.)

      WALTERS
      Youíve brought a resume I see.

      SHAW
      I have.

      WALTERS
      May I see it?

      SHAW
      You may.

      (Shaw hands Walters the manila envelope. Walter quickly opens it, and
      reads the RESUME within.)

      WALTERS
      So youíve held similar positions with—
      (looks up)
    —how many companies?

      SHAW
      Too many to count.

      WALTERS
      That is terrific.
      (refers to his desk)
      Say…

      (Walters picks up one of the MUFFINS, smiles.)

      WALTERS (CONTíD)
      Care for a muffin?

      SHAW
      Ahh, the most prosaic of raised cakes. You and these silly muffins can
      go fly a kite!

      WALTERS
      Excellent response, Shaw! I am bowled over.

      SHAW
      There is no substitute for experience, sir.

      (Walters refers to the resume.)

      WALTERS
      Says here, youíre immediately available for the position?

      SHAW
      Yes -

      WALTERS
      Because as you know weíre looking to hire A.S.A.P.

      SHAW
      Yes.

      WALTERS
      Itís not an easy position to fill.

      SHAW
      No sir.

      WALTERS
      But one of great necessity. The position of: AGING, SLIGHTLY BRITISH
      COMPANY FUCKING ASSHOLE.

      SHAW
      It is my lifeís work, sir.

      WALTERS
      (re: the resume)
      I can tell at first glance you exceed all prerequisites! May I read
      aloud?

      SHAW
      By all means.

      WALTERS
      Ten years as Director of Pompous Inappropriate Behavior for Tampax—

      SHAW
      Ahh, that takes me back.

      WALTERS
    —- to Senior Executive Douchebag for Radio Shack… CFO of Sexual
      Harassment—PRO sexual harassment—for Mattel… And for Blimpie,
      First Guy to the Conference Room for Birthday Cake…. Last to Leave.
      Wow! You are a master of annoyance!

      SHAW
      I am on the verge of blushing.

      WALTERS
      Any initial questions about the position?

      SHAW
      Well, now that you mention it, what is your policy on lunch?

      WALTERS
      Ah yes. Lunch. The last bastion of sanctuary in the lonely day of the
      aging, slightly British company fucking asshole. As our A.S.B.C.F.A.
      youíll be dining, each day, noon to 12:45, alone of course, in a
      depressing, dimly lighted booth for six to accentuate the despair.

      SHAW
      I do enjoy a beer or three with lunch.

      WALTERS
      An asshole is but a shell of himself sober!

      SHAW
      (laughs)
      I suppose I have been known to over-bother the barkeep.

      WALTERS
      Well then, I should alert the proprietors of local establishments that
      you, or another applicant, will soon be dropping by to make their
      lives a living hell.

      SHAW
      (taken a back)
      Oh.

      WALTERS
      What?

      SHAW
      You hadnít mentioned thereíd be competition.

      WALTERS
      We have three others applying.

      SHAW
      I see -

      WALTERS
      Itís an enviable position, in this economy quite alluring. The pay
      is fair. The hours are favorable. And when you get right down to it
      your only true job requirements are to never make eye contact with
      women and pee on the toilet seat a moment after itís cleaned.

      SHAW
      The competition as it were -

      WALTERS
      Yes?

      SHAW
      May I inquire of their skill set?

      WALTERS
      I trust all of you will bring in varying degrees of being a
      self-righteous, semi-Limey prick; and I have no doubt our staff will
      have dreams of causing bodily injury to whoever lands the job. But to
      answer your question, I would say the closest to your experience is a
      man named Thomas.

      SHAW
      Thomas you say.

      WALTERS
      Yes.

      SHAW
      And what, if I may ask, is his history?

      WALTERS
      Itís more of a, shall we say, extra-curricular talent with Thomas.

      SHAW
      Mm -

      WALTERS
      He once killed a man and ate him.

      SHAW
      I see.

      WALTERS
      From what I gather this was not his first bout with cannibalism. Plus
      heís, as luck would have it, slightly British.

      SHAW
      Damn, ey?

      WALTERS
      Fear not, Shaw. Iíve contacted his parole officer on numerous
      occasions with no response. But you should know if we do go that
      direction, a murdering cannibal makes a lot of sense to be our new
      company fucking asshole.

      SHAW
      Killing someone and eating them. Boy that does elevate oneís
      assholishness.

      WALTERS
      Heís quite good at what he does. While at Dairy Queen he created the
      position of Not Raising Your Hand To Talk At Company Meetings. That
      said, hiring him despite his high recruit is unlikely. One, heís a
      violent serial killer. And two, his voicemailís not hooked up.

      SHAW
      Yes. That is problematic.

      WALTERS
      Youíre a dying breed, Shaw, you and your fellow, corporate
      cock-pumpers. Thatís why weíre hiring in the first place! The
      State mandates every company hires at least one AGING, FUCKING
      ASSHOLE. These tech companies, law firms, and the like. They hire
      young…. college kids, high schoolers! Thereís something
      disingenuous about the Young American Dickhead, wouldnít you say?
      For us, no no, the aging, slightly British company fucking asshole is
      a much better fit.

      SHAW
      Good to know, sir. Thank you.

      WALTERS
      Donít thank me. Thank yourself for farting in a crowded elevator.

      (Walters references the resume again.)

      WALTERS (CONT’D)
      Can we discuss your references?

      SHAW
      I insist.

      (Walters reads from the resume, looks up.)

      WALTERS
      Adolf Hitler.

      SHAW
      You never mentioned they had to be living.

      WALTERS
      That is rich, Shaw. Well played!

      SHAW
      Youíll find the same nefarious ilk of my other references.

      WALTERS
      (reading)
      Yes. I see. O.J. Simpson. The Shoe Bomber. Harvey Levin.

      (Walters sets the resume down.)

      WALTERS (CONTíD)
      Tell me, Shaw. What in the way of family do you have?

      SHAW
      Well, not much to tell. I left my pregnant wife last fall to fend for
      herself at a biker rally. She and the triplets could be anywhere by
      now.

      WALTERS
      Asshole-wise that is tough to beat.

      SHAW
      (chuckles)
      Ha yes. Which reminds me of an old joke. Whatís the advantage of
      dating a homeless woman?

      WALTERS
      I give up.

      SHAW
      After dinner you can drop them off anywhere.

      (Shaw and Walters crack up LAUGHING.)

      WALTERS
      Good one!

      SHAW
      Thank you, sir. I am nothing if not an egotistical, snooty,
      standoffish, know-it-all wanker.

      WALTERS
      Just wonderful!

      SHAW
      Say. How long have you been with the company?

      WALTERS
      Oh, goodness. Fifteen, no, sixteen years I suppose.

      SHAW
      And how did you -

      WALTERS
      How did I land the gig?

      SHAW
      Yes.

      WALTERS
      In those days it was a job in return strictly for sexual
      gratification.

      SHAW
      Is that right?

      WALTERS
      In addition to my stellar resume, which pales to yours, I had to give
      my would-be supervisor the olí Jersey Reach Around.

      SHAW
      Ahh. Love the classics!

      WALTERS
      (with seriousness)
      You realize there would be no connection between us, Shaw. Our working
      relationship would be based solely on mutual loathing and the absence
      of decency and respect!

      SHAW
      As it should.

      WALTERS
      Sure, we may have things in common outside the office. I mean, it
      would be nice to know Iím not the only one who gets erections at the
      sight of a fire truck.

      SHAW
      Last week I had sex with and subsequently proposed marriage to a yam.

      WALTERS
      Shaw?... Based on this most enlightening conversation I believe there
      is only one recourse.

      SHAW
      Iím all ears.

      WALTERS
      You are officially our new aging, slightly British company fucking
      asshole! Congratulations!

      (Walters extends his hand. Shaw stands and shakes it.)

      SHAW
      Brilliant! I wonít let you down!

      WALTERS
      See that you donít. I have high hopes for you!

      SHAW
      And I you, sir.

      WALTERS
      Hey! Whatísay we celebrate: swing by the La Quinta Inn for an
      afternoon of lawn darts and love-making with a couple of meth-freak,
      bi-bolar Swedish hookers, my treat!

      SHAW
      As if one could get enough.

      (Walters, arms folded, looks at Shaw, as if studying and approving
      him.)

      WALTERS
      I have a good feeling about you, Shaw… a very good feeling.

 

[end of extract]



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