The Will to Get Married by Steven Rodgers
ACT ONE
The drawing room of the Radcliffe Estate, London England
A lavish staircase ascends to one side. The front door is at one end,
and, at the other end, an offstage exit leading to the kitchen
An open casket is at center, adorned with flowers
We see the beautiful Jennifer Radcliffe, lying in peace
A decanter of wine sits on a small table downstage
We hear organ music playing-a rather lively rendition of Nearer My
God to Thee. After a moment, the music stops. Godbey enters from the
kitchen, obviously upset, wiping his forehead. Godbey is the elderly
and frail head butler, the epitome of British servitude, proper and
impeccably dressed, all in black. Madam Radcliffe descends the
staircase. A wealthy British capitalist, she has an air of pomposity
about her. She is used to getting things her way, which is precisely
what drove her first three husbands to early graves.
RADCLIFFE: Ah, there you are Godbey, everything all set for the
reception tonight?
GODBEY: (Sighing): I certainly hope so, madam. Though I must admit,
I've had a bit of a confrontation with the organist just now. I
only felt that his particular rendition of the music was
too.self-indulgent, shall we say? Oh, I did my best to encourage
him to use a bit more discretion, to play at a tempo and style more
conducive to a funeral setting..but.well, he absolutely
wouldn't hear of it!
RADCLIFFE: That's the trouble with you, Godbey. You have no grit!
No fortitude! Why, if you were any kind of a man at all, you
wouldn't have been working for me all these 27 years without so much
as a single raise in pay!
GODBEY (Hanging his head in shame): I'm sorry, madam. That was
terribly thoughtless of me.
RADCLIFFE: By the way, Godbey the reception is to begin at seven
o'clock, promptly upon our return from the services. I won't
tolerate any delays-no dilly dallying. Anyone arriving late for the
services is to be turned away-forcibly removed, if necessary!
I'll not have anyone making a mockery of my daughter's funeral by
showing up at whatever time happens to suit his convenience.
(Doorbell).
RADCLIFFE: Ah, that would be the minister. He will be going to the
chapel with me, in the Rolls. (Starting up the stairs) Please take
care of the social amenities for me, will you, Godbey?
GODBEY (Starting for the front door as Radcliffe exits): I always do,
madam.
Godbey opens the front door and instantly, Jonathan Cates enters. He
is a handsome, sharply dressed young man. He bolts past Godbey, to a
spot in center of the room. He stand there for a moment, taking it
all in, and then, spotting the carafe of wine, heads toward it with
all deliberate speed. He pours himself a drink, much to Godbey's
bewilderment.
GODBEY: Good afternoon. Won't youplease come in?
CATES: Ah, thank you very much, my good man. (crossing to the wine
cabinet, good-naturedly pouring himself a glass of wine) I hope you
don't mind if I indulge bit in your refreshments, here, but I think
it's best that I do something to help calm my nerves for this
afternoon, you know.
GODBEY: That's quite understandableuh, considering the
circumstances, sir. I was rather distraught myself, when I learned of
Jennifer's condition.
CATES (Melodramatically): What?!? Don't tell me she's.ill?!
GODBEY (Bewildered): Sheisn't anymore, sir.
CATES : Well, I am relieved to hear that. Just how bad was it?
GODBEY: Bad enough. She's..dead.
Pause.
CATES : Did you say.dead?
GODBEY: Quite dead.
CATES: Are you sure?
GODBEY: Come again?
CATES: Well, I meanshe wouldn't just be oh, I don't
know.sleeping, or something?
GODBEY (Considering the possibility): Mmmmmno. No, not after
nearly a week. We began to get rather suspicious after the fourth day
when she still wasn't breathing.
CATES (Angrily): And has anyone bothered to check on her condition the
meantime?
GODBEY: Well you needn't take my word for it. (Gesturing toward the
coffin) You can see for herself, she's quite dead.
Cates whirls around and spots the casket. He crosses to it, checks
her pulse. Growing frantic, he searches for any sign of life, then
pounds on her chest in a futile effort to restore life. That being
done, he straightens up, crosses toward Godbey, throwing up his arms,
almost chuckling, it seems.
CATES: Well, I must give credit where credit is due. You have
rendered a most accurate assessment of her true condition. (Shaking
GODBEY'S limp hand) Please accept my humble apologies. You are
right.
GODBEY: I say, I don't actually believe that you are the minister.
CATES : Ah, see there? Right again! A most remarkable man!
GODBEY (Blushing): Well, that's really very kind of you, but
CATES (Slapping Godbey on the back): Ah, think nothing of it. Think
nothing of it! No. You see, you've quite correctly stumbled upon
the fact that I am not a man of the cloth-though why you would have
made that peculiar assumption is beyond me-but what you fail to
realize, for some odd reason, is my true purpose for being here.
GODBEY: Which is?
CATES (Grandly): To enter into the bonds of holy matrimony.
GODBEY: I beg your pardon?
CATES: Yes, you see, Jennifer and I are to be married later on this
afternoon.
A long pause, as Godbey slowly looks over at Jennifer lying in the
casket.
GODBEY: I . hardly think that's likely, sir.
CATES: You don't believe me?
GODBEY: Well, it's just that . . . she's never mentioned anything
of the sort.
CATES (Gesturing toward the casket): Well, in consideration of her
present condition, that's not at all surprising, now, is it!?
GODBEY: But.sir! You can't be serious!
CATES: I most certainly am! I rented this suit this morning from a
highly respectable fashion designer, expressly for the purpose of holy
matrimony. How could I ever face them again if I were forced to take
back the suit too early? Mmmm? What would I say? That my
bride-to-be didn't hold out long enough to exchange vows of eternal
devotion with her beloved? Why, I'd be the laughing stock of
Piccadilly Circus! I'll not have them bandying about my name in an
unflattering and haphazard fashion. (Crossing to the casket and
tossing off the flowers) Now be a good sport about it and help me out
with the body. We'll be arriving late at the chapel as it is.
Cates attempts to wheel the casket out when Godbey, for the first time
in his life, exerts himself by practically throwing himself on the
casket
GODBEY: If you mean to say that you would actually consider
proceeding with your plans, in spite of this tragic turn of events,
then you, sir, are a verifiable lunatic, and I'm going to have to
ask you to leave at once!
CATES (Struggling to move the casket): I'm trying to leave, but
you're standing in my way!
GODBEY: Yes, I know, sir, but after all-this is a matter of life and
deathand quite frankly, to intermingle the two can hardly be
considered proper etiquette-even in the lower echelons of society!
Cates and Godbey struggle with the casket, going around and around in
a frantic circle.
CATES: You bumbling fool! Get out of my way!
GODBEY (Clinging to the casket for dear life): I'd die first!
Cates (Stops, smiling mischievously): Do you mean that?
GODBEY (Growing fearful): Well, I..I.
CATES: That's really quite touching. It's a rare occasion when
a man would lay down his life for a cause that's utterly lacking
in any real significance whatsoever. (Taking out a pistol and aiming
it at GODBEY) but.if that's what you wish, I can certainly
arrange it.
GODBEY: Please, sir! I really must insist that you put that gun away
at once. That can be a very dangerous weapon!
CATES: Oh, come now, come now! Don't exaggerate! Statistics show
that only an infinitesimally small percentage of the population
actually are assaulted with a deadly weapon!
GODBEY (In tears): Thank you. That's most encouraging!
CATES: Why, the chances of you getting your head blown to pieces and
splattered all over these Victorian furnishings, are, uh.(Taking
out his phone, doing some quick computations)
let's see here.ah, yes-precisely 322,507 to one! (putting
the phone back in his pocket).
GODBEY: Not meaning to belabor the point, but the odds don't
exactly appear to be in my favor at this time.
CATES (Furiously, threatening GODBEY with the gun): Are you telling
me I don't know how to operate a simple application on my smart
phone?
GODBEY (Terrified): No! No, no, no, no, no!!! What I meant was,
uhgiven the fact that you're holding gun in my direction and
threatening blow my head off, just might have a.slight tendency
of.uh, altering the odds a bit? I uh, I could be wrong, of course.
Yes! Yes, that's it-I must be mistaken. (Whimpering) I never
was very good at arithmetic!
RADCLIFFE (Offstage): Godbey? Godbey, is that you? What the devil is
all that commotion going on down there?!
GODBEY: That's Madam Radcliffe! (Momentarily forgetting his
predicament, he scurries about the room, trying to restore some
semblance of order) Oh, what am I going to do? How I am going to
explain all this?
CATES: Ah, yes, Madam Radcliffe-the venerable lady and mistress of
this estateand I suppose she might voice serious objections to my
having a loaded gun in her dainty little front parlor, aimed at her
head butler.
GODBEY: I'm afraid so, sir. She's always been rather conservative
about these matters-not at all one to look lightly on this sort of
thing.
CATES: You idiot! Did it by chance ever occur to you that I might
have more than one bullet in this gun, and that if the situation
called for it, I wouldn't hesitate to shoot you both and be done
with it?
GODBEY: Oh, yes, sir-that has definitely occurred to me, and I
didn't mean to make light of your intentions. Butwell, you just
don't know Madam Radcliffe. She's the sort of person who would be
apt to make quite a stink about it, if she were shot down in cold
blood!
RADCLIFFE (Entering from staircase): All right, Godbey, I hope you
have a fairly rational explanation for all of the.(Spotting CATES)
What the devil?-oh, you must be the minister.
CATES (Throwing up his arms in frustration): Has my appearance
changed so radically in the past few days that you should both mistake
me for being a member of the clergy?! (Godbey and Radcliffe exchange
puzzled glances) Am I wearing a collar? Am I totin' a Bible? Have
I made any attempt whatsoever to steer your souls down the true and
righteous path?
RADCLIFFE: I beg your pardon?
CATES: Perhaps I should take this opportunity to introduce myself. I
am Jonathan Cates-soon to become a member of this charming scene of
domestic tranquility.
GODBEY (Whispering): Jennifer's fiancé, mum.
RADCLIFFE: What? Jenny's dead!
CATES: Ah, yes, so I found out in the interimbut no matter!
(Searching his pockets)
Somewhere here I have an official document.that should..clear
things up rather nicely.
(Pulling out paper after paper, discarding them haphazardly around the
room and in the casket)
Ah! Here it is! This ought to clear up any misunderstanding you may
have about the entire ordeal.(Handing Madam Radcliffe the paper, which
she reads) You see, Jennifer had known for some time that her death
was imminent. Not wishing to die a spinster, and burning with a
fervent desire to spend her final days in marital bliss, she engaged
the help of our mail order firm.
RADCLIFFE: A.mail order firm?
CATES: Yes. We specialize in finding mates for those who, for one
reason or another, are unable to do so themselves. I thought it best
that I handle this casepersonally.
RADCLIFFE: Well, you can't be serious about all this.
CATES: And why not? You can see for yourself, it's all duly
authorized.
RADCLIFFE: Duly authorized! By who? You, I presume?
CATES: Naturally.
RADCLIFFE: Why, you could have easily forged her signature and
concocted this entire scheme single-handedly!
CATES: Ah, but I have proof! I am perfectly prepared to establish
the validity of my claim. Go ahead. As me anything! Better, yet,
ask me something personal about Jennifer something to which only
those with an intimate knowledge of your daughter would possibly know
the answer.
RADCLIFFE: Oh, this is utterly absurd!
CATES: Afraid of the truth?
RADCLIFFE: Oh, all right, all right. What was her .favorite brand
of Cabernet Sauvignon?
CATES (Triumphantly): Aha! I have no idea!!
RADCLIFFE (Taken aback): Then you are a fraud!
CATES: I most certainly am not. If I had known what type of wine
your daughter preferred, it would clearly have implicated me as one
who had prior knowledge of her private life. As a mail order groom, I
most assuredly would have no access to such privileged information.
Therefore, due to my appalling lack of ability to submit any pertinent
information, I think you should call a halt to your suspicions at once
and instead, view my hitherto unorthodox claim as being fully
legitimate.
RADCLIFFE: That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
GODBEY: It, uh it sounds logical to me, Madam.
RADCLIFFE: But you can't marry someone who is dead.
CATES: And why not?
RADCLIFFE: Well, it simply isn't done. Not only is it wholly
unethical, it's a gross violation of sanitary health codes.
CATES: No matter! The reputation of the Chastity Lost Marital
Foundation is at stake here. The marriage must go on!
RADCLIFFE: I refuse to endure your insolence any longer. This whole
thing is utterly ridiculous.
CATES: It certainly is! You're attempting to stand in the way of
a legitimate business deal, and the earnest wishes of your dear,
departed daughter. This is what she would have wanted. I,
uh.I'm, sure Godbey here can attest to that (Surreptitiously
pointing his gun in Godbey's direction)
GODBEY: Well, you know, Madam, Jennifer was prone to act impulsively
on occasion.
RADCLIFFE: What, Godbey? You dare to contest me?
GODBEY: But I think he has a point, Madam.
RADCLIFFE: That does it! Godbey, I hold you personally responsible for
allowing this lunatic into my home, and I charge you with vacating him
from the premises immediately.
GODBEY: Now, Madam, let's not be overly hasty. After all, it does
appear that Jennifer has signed her consent, and that.
RADCLIFFE: Do you actually believe that I would, for one moment,
condone the marriage between my recently deceased daughter, and that
of a total stranger?
GODBEY: Perhaps not, but, I'd seriously consider thinking things
over. Mr. Cates could be in the right, you know, and then where would
you be? Without a leg to stand on, I should think.
RADCLIFFE: Godbey, you're through! I want you to pack your things
and leave at once.(Starts to exit) I expect you to be gone before the
guests begin arriving for the services. (Stops and turns to Cates) And
as for you, Mr. Whatever-your-name-was I expect you to be gone as
well, or I shall summon outside help in forcibly removing you from the
premises.(Exits)
CATES: My, my, my, wasn't she mad.
GODBEY: I don't understand it. How could you let her do this to me?
CATES: Oh, stop your blubbering. This is the best thing that could
have happened to you.
GODBEY: Sir?
CATES: Well, don't you see? Now that your position here is
terminated, you're free to help me pursue my rightful place as head
of this estate. Madam Radcliffe must be immediately disposed of.
GODBEY: Do you mean, that.well, that is to saywould murder be
your primary objective then, sir?
CATES: Right-o, Godbey, that's it! Why the mere thought of a bullet
piercing her skull and ripping through whatever cerebellum she must
have, it'sit's. too much for me. I can't stand the sight
of blood. You'll have to do it!
GODBEY: Me, sir?
CATES: Well, yes. I mean, you really wouldn't expect me to do it,
would you? being how squeamish I get, and all?
GODBEY: I see no reason whatsoever that I should help you with your
depraved undertakings.
CATES: Really? And have you forgotten that I have a gun and could
very well shoot you if you don't do exactly as I say?
GODBEY: No, sir, I have not forgotten. But if I must die, I shall die
with dignity and grace, not for a moment forsaking the loyalty I have
for the lady of this estate.
CATES: What loyalty? She's relieved you of your duties! She's
stripped you of all honor! She's thrown you out on your spindly
rump without so much as a "by your leave."
GODBEY: No matter. I shall be loyal to the end.
CATES: Oh, Godbey, really! Your sentimental drivel is appalling!
GODBEY: Be that as it may, I know my duty. Get on with it if you
must.
CATES: Oh, very well, here goes. (Cates aims the gun at Godbey's
head)
[end of extract]