Dead Ringer by David Mauriello
AT RISE.
Night. A Graveyard.
CHLOE
(shivers, hugs herself, looks around)
Oh, it's so dark, and quiet. Hate bein' here. But I want to be
sure. Ohhh.
REG
Wahtca' expect in a graveyard after midnight. How much longer you
want to wait?
CHLOE
Doan know. Ohhh. (hugs herself again)
REG
Here, let me do the huggin'.
HE embraces her lustily, kissing her on the neck. SHE slaps him away
CHLOE
Not yet!
REG
Ya didn't mind when he was livin'
CHLOE
That's different. He wasn't dead. Or we didn't think he was
dead. And if he's not how do we know that new cell phone will work.
Has anyone tried it before? I like the old waytie a string on the
wrist of the corpse, thread it through the coffin and up through the
ground and tie it to a bell so when he pulls the string, the bell
rings.
REG
This will work. (taps his pocket) And it saves all the fuss about
strings and bells. What's the difference if it don't work.
He's dead. He won't be usin' it.
CHLOE
So you are sure?
REG
Doan know why you ain't.
CHLOE
Poor Burt. Laid out and everyone just lookin' at him.
REG
That's what wake's are for. Make sure it ain't a false alarm.
CHLOE
Sally Bickers didn't have to stab him with her hat pin. Jealous
bitch.
REG
Sometimes a little test is required just to be sure the corpse is a
corpse.
CHLOE
Ya know her tits ain't real tits. Silly-con.
REG
Nooo. They look pretty good. (grabs at her) But not like these twin
beauties I see here.
CHLOE
(slapping him away)
Not yet!
REG
Just a kiss. The first one with Burt dead.
CHLOE
God forbid IF he is still alive. You know the stories. When they
removed the old caskets to make room for the new. Sometimes the bones
are twisted in panic, the mouth wide open, screaming. And the claw
marks on the sides of the coffin. Ohhh. I just want to be sure.
REG
You just want to drive me mad. C'mon, a little peck. A nibble on
your ear like you like.
CHLOE
But.
REG
You are a teaser.
CHLOE
I wonder if the wake was long enough.
REG
They found him behind the alehouse, plumb stone cold. That was almost
three days ago. Old Dell washed him down. That's enough to wake
the dead. Then we all watched at the wake. And he's been down
there a couple of hours already.
CHLOE
I know but..
REG
I'll tell you a secret. Make you feel better. When no one was
looking? I lit a match to his feet.