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LINDA & DAVID
A married couple of some twenty years.
LINDA: (Sits down on the bench seat admiring the view) Come on
David… You’re always dawdling!
DAVID: (Arrives mumbling) Look, keep your knickers on alright?
LINDA: Pardon ?
DAVID: (He sits beside her) Look, your vicar’s on a bike.
LINDA: What about the vicar?
DAVID: Vicar’s on a bike… Over there!
LINDA: I can’t see him.
DAVID: Well, no you wouldn’t now, would you dear. You’re too
late, as usual.
LINDA: It’s nice to have a vicar so young and sportive… (She
sighs) and he’s very good looking.
DAVID: You’re dribbling dear. (Grins)
LINDA: (She touches her mouth) I saw the vicar this morning.
DAVID: Did you dear? (Smiles) How absolutely wonderful for you.
LINDA: It was a lovely service. We sang “All things bright and
beautiful”
DAVID: You can’t sing.
LINDA: (She starts to sing) “All things bright and beautiful all
creatures great and small, all things wise and wonderful the lord God
made them all” There, that wasn’t so painful, was it?
DAVID: (Under his breath ) Oh yes it was.
LINDA: Pardon dear?
DAVID: Oh, there’s a Buzz. Can’t you hear it?
(Sticks a finger in his ear)
LINDA: (Listens) No… No I can’t David.
DAVID: It must have been one of God’s beautiful creatures… I
think it’s called a mosquito. (Grins)
LINDA: Mosquitoes must have a good reason for existing, like any
other creature.
DAVID: You must be joking! Did you know that they have teeth?
LINDA: (Laughing) Don’t be ridiculous. Mosquitoes do not have
teeth.
DAVID: (Serious) Oh but they do. 47 teeth to be exact … and it’s
only the females that bite. If you get one of those beasts under a
microscope It’s not a mouth, it looks more like a hole saw. They rip
out a piece of your flesh, inject the anticoagulant then suck away at
your blood all in the blink of an eye. God must have had a weird and
twisted sense of humour when he created mosquitoes.
LINDA: Don’t be silly David.
DAVID: Now let me see … how does the last verse of the song go? Ah
yes. (He sings) “God gave us eyes to see them, and lips that we
might tell, how great is God Almighty, who has made all things
well.” Huh! That’s a laugh! You can never see them! Oh but you can
hear them, (Mimes) and it’s usually in bed around 3, o’clock in
the morning. Remember?
LINDA: (Laughs) Yes, I remember. 2 nights ago, you jumped out of bed.
You woke me up, screaming “God all mighty!! I can’t see the little
bastards!” You know, you shouldn’t use the Lord’s name in vain.
Blasphemy!
DAVID: Blasphemy my arse!! I got 2 hours sleep that night because of
those blood suckers! The worst thing is when you hear them buzzing
around your ears, so you quickly go under the sheets.
LINDA: (Laughing) Yes, like the last time when you realised that the
mosquito was under the sheets with you.
DAVID: That wasn’t funny! She bit me twice. One on my nose, the
other on my… (Looks behind him) Willy ! The swelling has only just
gone down.
LINDA: That’s a pity. (Grinning)
DAVID: Oh very funny Linda!
LINDA: Lucky for me, they seem to prefer your skin. They’re
attracted to your body heat. (Grins) Let’s change the subject, shall
we?
DAVID: Ok, what shall we talk about? Rugby… La Tour de France?
LINDA: Us.
DAVID: No… I think I would prefer to talk about rugby dear.
LINDA: You have changed.
DAVID: I’ve changed?
LINDA: You are not as attentive toward me as you were.
DAVID: I think I am.
LINDA: No David, you are not. When was the last time you paid me a
compliment?
DAVID: A compliment… now let me think… Ah yes, I remember, it was
last night.
LINDA: I can’t remember that.
DAVID: Yes, I said “This Yorkshire pudding is bloody marvellous
darling” (Smiles)
LINDA: Well yes, when it’s about filling your stomach! That’s all
you men think about.
DAVID: That’s not true… I think about athletics… and_
LINDA: Yes… the women’s athletics mostly… I’ve seen you in
front of the TV, goggle eyed and drooling.
DAVID: (Distant regard) Well some of them have magnificent…
(Mimes)
LINDA: And what about drooling over my bottom?
DAVID: (Distant regard) It’s not the same thing.
LINDA: Not the same?!
DAVID: No. It’s not the same… You’re my wife.
LINDA: Well thank you very much! How would you like it if I started
drooling over men’s bottoms?
DAVID: (Smiles) You wouldn’t, would you? (Pause) You find me
irresistible… You love me too much. (Smiles)
LINDA: Don’t you be so sure!! Men! You are all the same!
DAVID:
What?
LINDA: Have you seen your bottom in the mirror lately?
Have you? Have you? Not a pretty sight I can tell you!
DAVID: (Stands up. Tries to look at his bottom) What’s wrong with
my bum? I’ve got a lovely bum, and anyway, it’s difficult to see
in the mirror. (Mimes)
LINDA: Emphasis on had David. Historically speaking, you had a lovely
bottom, but now it’s sort of…
DAVID: Sort of what?
LINDA: No… I don’t want to hurt your feelings, I have said
enough.
DAVID: Oh no you haven’t … (Raises his voice) You have said too
much!
LINDA: Keep your voice down. I know how sensitive you are.
DAVID: (Explodes) I am not sensitive!! Do you hear? Not sensitive!!
LINDA: Ooh… I think you are David.
DAVID: Look! We are talking about my bottom here! Not just
anybody’s bottom, Your loving husband’s bottom!! I want to know
what you think about my bottom !!! ok?
LINDA: Are you sure?
DAVID: Yes.
LINDA: It’s… floppy.
DAVID: Floppy?!
LINDA: Yes floppy.
[end of extract]
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