Antonia watches repulsed ...

ANTONIA: You know that stuff can kill you.

MARNIE: (not really sure to which vice she is referring) Wanna be a little more specific?

ANTONIA: (waving her manicured hands) Well, all of it I guess.

Marnie takes an extra long puff and dumps more sugar into her coffee and smiles at her friend

MARNIE: Exactly.

ANTONIA: I mean seriously love, don't you worry about your lungs ... and all that caffeine? Not to mention the amount of calories you're dumping into that coffee.

MARNIE: (feigning surprise) What?! You mean there are calories in sugar? Oh my god. Guess it's an extra 2 hours at the gym for me.

ANTONIA: You mock me, but really, love, how are you going to get anywhere with yellow teeth and a big ass?

MARNIE: I thought maybe I'd use the grey matter between my ears?

ANTONIA: What? Ew Marnie, please.

MARNIE: I was actually referring to my brain - "Love".

Pregnant pause as Antonia feels stupid and Marnie speculates what she is doing with this dimwit

FARRAH, a waitress, escorts CHRIS to a nearby table. He is young and handsome, in a slimy way.

He gives Marnie and Antonia an approving look and makes sure to seat himself in their eyeline

Marnie is facing Chris and sees him sit down. He smiles at her but she snubs him.

FARRAH: You guys know what you want?

MARNIE: After you.

ANTONIA: (brilliant smile) Hi.

FARRAH: (bored) Yo.

ANTONIA: You're going to hate me.

FARRAH: Seen it all before, hon. Shoot.

ANTONIA: Well, I want the number three omelet. But, I want only egg whites, and no cheese. Also, I don't want onions, or tomatoes. Then, instead of potatoes can I get fat free cottage cheese? Not low fat, only fat free.

FARRAH: And what if we don't have fat free?

ANTONIA: Then nothing.

FARRAH: You don't want anything?

ANTONIA: No, I just don't want the cottage cheese. Also, can I get a fat free muffin instead of the biscuits? And some green tea with equal please.

FARRAH: That all?

ANTONIA: Yes. Thank you.

FARRAH: And you?

MARNIE: Give me the number two omelet with extra cheese, a side of turkey sausage and a blueberry muffin.

FARRAH: Fat free muffin?

MARNIE: Nope, I'd like one with added fat please. Thanks.

Farrah starts to leave, but Marnie stops her

MARNIE: Oh, and some more coffee. And I think I need more sugar.

Farrah smiles at Marnie. They could be friends in another situation

FARRAH: Alrighty, I'll be right out with the tea, and more coffee for you.

She exits

MARNIE: Wow, who knew ordering breakfast could be so much fun!

ANTONIA: Don't make fun of me.

MARNIE: I just remember a time when you used to order the chocolate pancakes with extra butter. And you ate and enjoyed every morsel.

ANTONIA: Well, I can't do that anymore.

MARNIE: Too bad.

ANTONIA: And honestly, Marnie. I don't know how you manage. You have the cutest little figure and you eat whatever the hell you want. I watch every bite and count every calorie and I still have an ass the size of Texas.

MARNIE: Your ass is not the size of Texas.

ANTONIA: Have you looked at it lately?

MARNIE: No... but...

Antonia stands up so her friend can get a good look at her body

ANTONIA: See. I think it's expanding as we speak.

MARNIE: Oh Christ.

ANTONIA: Come, on, tell me the truth.

The couple at the neighboring table glances at the spectacle. Chris is also clearly enjoying the show. Though Antonia is concerned with the size of her butt, she doesn't mind the attention

MARNIE: You have a beautiful butt, Toni.

Antonia fondles and glances at her rear as she speaks

ANTONIA: Do I? But it's so round and bubbly.

MARNIE: I'm not in the mood to play this game with you today, Toni.

Antonia sits back down, dejected

ANTONIA: I wish you wouldn't call me that.

MARNIE: What? Toni? It's your name isn't it?

ANTONIA: Yeah, I guess when we were kids it was my name. But now I go by Antonia, you know that. I need to get used to hearing it.

MARNIE: You hate that name.

ANTONIA: Hate-ed. Tommy says it's a great name for the stage. People will remember it more than Toni. It's also more lady-like, don't you think?

MARNIE: I guess.

Farrah brings the tea and coffee to the table. Marnie is happy for the interruption

Antonia daintily prepares her tea and pours some equal into her cup. Marnie dumps spoonful after spoonful of sugar into her cup as Antonia rolls her eyes. Marnie looks up and gives her a sarcastic smile

Marnie leans back in her chair and lights another cigarette. The couple at the neighboring table does not approve of the smoking and one of them coughs loudly. Marnie turns around to glare at them

ANTONIA: Could you at least not do that when the food comes?

Marnie laughs and blows smoke directly into Antonia's face

MARNIE: We'll see.

Chris finally gets up and approaches their table. Marnie sees him approaching and rolls her eyes

ANTONIA: What? What are you looking at?

MARNIE: Creep at 12 o'clock.

CHRIS: Hey there ladies, beautiful day isn't it?

MARNIE: Swell.

ANTONIA: (straightening up) Oh it is lovely out. My girlfriend and I were just discussing how beautiful LA weather can be.

MARNIE: I thought we were discussing your ass.

ANTONIA: (embarrassed) She's just kidding. Aren't you?

Marnie shrugs and continues to smoke

CHRIS: So you, uh, come here often?

MARNIE: Well, well, well, that sure is original.

CHRIS: Actually I was talking to your friend.

MARNIE: Oh. Sorry, I'll butt out then.

CHRIS: Yeah, why don't you.

ANTONIA: (trying to calm everyone down) I've never been here before, but Marnie comes here a lot. I hear the eggs are great.

CHRIS: Yup, the best in the city. The only problem is that they have so many options.

ANTONIA: I know, I had a hard time choosing.

CHRIS: Well, maybe if you like your eggs today, we could meet here another time and try something different, together.

Marnie can't help but chortle out loud. Antonia gives her a disapproving look and Chris looks ready to shoot daggers

MARNIE: (trying to look innocent) I'm sorry, that was funny.

CHRIS: Look, no one is talking to you, so why don't you butt out?

MARNIE: I'm sitting two inches away, I can't really help but overhear.

CHRIS: Well, why don't you take a walk or something and leave us alone?

MARNIE: Why don't you take a walk asshole.

Chris looks over at Antonia for help. She hides her face in embarrassment

CHRIS: (to Antonia) I don't need this. Sweety. I'll be over there if you feel like talking, okay?

Chris stalks back to his table and gives Marnie a dirty look along the way

MARNIE: Bye.

ANTONIA: (whispers) Why do you have to always do that?

MARNIE: What?

ANTONIA: Scare men away. He was nice.

MARNIE: I don't always scare men away. And he wasn't nice.

ANTONIA: He was cute though. God, Marnie you can be such a bitch sometimes.

MARNIE: Ouch, those words kind of hurt.

Marnie finally shows a sign that she is human. Silence as they sip their beverages, then -

MARNIE: Do I really scare men away?

ANTONIA: Sometimes. You just need to be nicer to people.

Farrah arrives with their food and Antonia's foul mood quickly disappears. Marnie can't help but think about what her friend said

MARNIE: (to herself) I'm nice... At least I can be.

Lights down

Marnie, Chris, and extras leave the stage.

Antonia switches to Marnie's seat and TOMMY sits across from her. One extra may take one of the empty seats and read a magazine or something while on stage

SCENE 2

Lights up. Tommy, Antonia's agent is young and handsome but something about him is just too slick. He is extremely well dressed, but very fidgety. He often rubs his nose throughout the conversation

TOMMY: You look fabulous, doll.

ANTONIA: (much more timid than in the last scene) You really think so?

TOMMY: Yeah. Would I lie? Is this the face of a liar? (pause) Certainly not. Stand up. Do a little twirl for me.

Antonia obliges by standing up, giggling and twirling. Tommy gives her a frighteningly lascivious facial expression

TOMMY: Jesus, if you weren't my client.

ANTONIA: Tommy. Really. And what about Cindy?

TOMMY: Ah, whatever about her. Point is, you look amazing. Told you about laying off the cookies, and look what it's done. You're smoking hot. There is no way I won't get you a pilot now.

ANTONIA: A pilot, really?

TOMMY: (very proud of himself) Yup.

ANTONIA: You mean TV?

TOMMY: What else babe?

ANTONIA: Of course any work would be great, Tommy. But didn't we talk about how I really want to -

TOMMY: Listen to yourself. Who's the agent here? You or me?

ANTONIA: (taken aback) Well, you are of course.

TOMMY: Exactly. Honey, I've been in this business for almost 5 years and I've been a full-fledged agent for one of them. I know what I'm talking about. You're a TV girl. That's all there is to it. I'm here for you and I love you, but I think we gotta get you on the small screen before we get you on the big screen. Beside, do you know how many actresses would kill for their own pilot?

ANTONIA: But what about the whole indie thing? I thought that was a possibility, my friend Marnie -

TOMMY: Antonia hon, you're killing me with this Marnie shit. I know she's your aspiring director friend and all, but who is her agent?

ANTONIA: Well, I don't think she has one... yet.

TOMMY: See, that's what I'm saying. Fuck her. She obviously doesn't know shit. You have to trust me babe, let me take care of you. First, we get you a pilot and then your shit takes off and Steven Fucking Spielberg will be calling you. I know what I'm talking about. My friend Gary used to be on the team that repped Sara Michelle (waiting for a reaction) Gellar. You know, Buffy?

ANTONIA: Sure.

TOMMY: Anyway, we got her on the show and then boom, bang, she gets noticed. Movie here, cosmetic gig there. She's making bank, loving life, and everybody loves her to pieces. That could be you, but only if you listen to me.

ANTONIA: Okay.

TOMMY: Okay?

ANTONIA: Sure. I've got it.

TOMMY: Repeat after me - Tommy knows Best.

ANTONIA: (hesitant) Uh.

TOMMY: I need you with me if I'm going to make us both a shit load of money here, Antonia.

ANTONIA: Tommy knows best.

Farrah approaches. She stifles a laugh as she overhears the end of the conversation

FARRAH: What can I get for you folks?

Farrah's question is directed at Antonia. Tommy interrupts before she has a chance to speak

TOMMY: I'll have the chicken and steak omelet. Is that shit grilled or fried?

FARRAH: I believe the "shit" is grilled.

TOMMY: Good, good. And the potatoes, what are they like?

FARRAH: I dunno, they're cooked.

TOMMY: Ah - don't need the carbs. Can you give me like some more beef or something instead?

FARRAH: I'll see what I can do. Anything to drink, juice, coffee?

TOMMY: Just water. No fruit in the zone.

FARRAH: (rolling eyes) And for you?

TOMMY: She's just having tea this morning.

FARRAH: You just want tea?

ANTONIA: Well actually -

TOMMY: Hey, babe, you look fabulous. you really do. But I still think it wouldn't hurt to drop another five or so.

Farrah looks at Tommy with disgust ...

FARRAH: If she "dropped" another five or so there would be nothing left of her. (to Antonia) Now what can I get you to eat?

TOMMY: Listen toots, I don't think you should be giving anyone advice about weight if you know what I mean, alright?

ANTONIA: (gives Farrah an apologetic look) Tommy knows best. Just tea for me, thanks.

TOMMY: Good girl.

FARRAH: Whatever.

Farrah exits

ANTONIA: Tommy, that really wasn't so nice.

TOMMY: Yeah, well I didn't like her attitude.